A/N: Suicide attempt mentioned.
Chapter 7 - A Mental Case
Beca hadn't worked this late in forever. It was three am and she was just walking through the door when she got a phone call from an unknown number. After her and Chloe's dinner she had to go into work. She could tell Chloe was worried about being alone, but really had no choice. She had to work. And maybe learning how to be alone would be good for Chloe, so she bid her goodbye and went off to work where she got a handful of, 'don't lead your girlfriend ons,' mixed with, 'tell Chloe how you feels,' from Jesse and Stacie.
Easier said than done.
"Hello?" Beca said as she set her bag down and began to take her coat off.
"Hi, yes, is this Beca Mitchell?"
"Yes, this is she." Beca stated, halting all movements.
"Hi, we have a Chloe Beale here at the Central Hospital, she was admitted by a women name Amy, and we just wanted to let you know of her whereabouts, as asked by Amy herself."
Beca's mouth went dry and her mind went blank. Hospital?
Her mouth moved, but no words were being formed. After moments of silence she heard, "Ms. Mitchell?
Beca gulped, "What happened?"
"I'm afraid I can't reveal that over the phone."
Beca nodded, even though she knew the women couldn't see her. She hung up and put her coat on, grabbed her bag and began her search of the hospital she had no clue of.
After two hours of searching, and an hour to get there, Beca arrived. It was around six in the morning, and Beca had never been more thankful for her insomnia.
She hastily walked up to the front desk, "Hi, I got call telling me a Chloe Beale was admitted here, and I would like to see her."
"I'm afraid you will have to wait until the hours start," the women said rudely.
Beca laughed dryly, "Oh, no. I searched for this hospital for two hours, waited on the subway for an hour, and now I'm being told I can't see my best-friend, who is in the hospital, for what ever unknown reason to me because you can't tell me what the hell happened to her or let me even see her?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't let you in. Visiting hours start at eleven again."
Beca groaned and threw her head back, "Please! I need to know if she's okay. I have my ID! And I'm basically part of her family, doesn't that count for anything?"
Beca could tell this women was getting annoyed, but she sure as hell did not give a damn.
"It doesn't, unless you have a twenty-four hour visiting pass. Which I assume you don't have?"
Beca clenched her jaw, "No, but- wait, is her friend Amy up there?"
The nurse nodded, "I assume so. She brought her here at around two, and we had been trying to get ahold of you, but it took too long and you missed your window."
Beca scoffed. Well, fuck you too, then. "You said eleven was the start of visiting hours?"
"Eleven." The nurse confirmed.
"Well, then, I'll just wait right here," Beca quipped, "in this little waiting room."
The nurse pursed her lips in the way Aubrey does it when she's angry.
Damn, I hate that look.
Beca sat and sighed, I hope Chloe is okay. God, I shouldn't have left her. I could see the fear etched through her. I'm terrible. This is all my fault.
"Ma'am?" A nurse said as she shook Beca, "Ma'am?
Beca rolled over and fell off the chair, earning a laugh from the nurse.
"It's eight am, and I was told to wake you up. We don't want people to see you sleeping in the waiting room."
Beca nodded and stood up, "Thanks. You're a lot nicer than the other nurse."
She smiled and nodded, "I've been told," she said. "Anyway, let's get you up to your friend?"
Beca furrowed her eyebrows, "Wait, I was told visiting hours start at eleven?"
"That's for people who aren't family, and I was told you're part of her family? She should've just let you in when you first arrived," The nurse stated.
Beca nodded, "Huh. What a mental case she is," she quipped.
The nurse laughed again, "Right this way."
She led her up to Chloe's room and opened the door slowly, revealing Chloe sound asleep in her hospital bed as she had some wires connected to her arms, as Amy was sitting in a chair, with drool running down her face.
"I'll leave you," she said.
"Thanks," Beca said.
The nurse walked out with a small smile.
Beca walked over and pulled up a chair next to Amy. She didn't think waking Chloe was appropriate, so she waited, staring aimlessly at the clock, then the TV, then to Chloe, then back at the clock.
She looks pale. And her eyes have bags. Her lips are dry and cracked.
Before Beca knew it Amy started to stir, mumbling something or other about being the champ at mermaid dancing, whatever the hell that was.
Beca looked towards Amy and waited for her to realize she was there, Amy looked around momentarily, then found Beca.
"Hey short stack, you came!" Amy whispered, "I was worried you wouldn't."
"What happened?" Beca asked in a whisper.
Amy made a head motion towards the door, so they both stood up and walked out so they could talk without interrupting Chloe's sleep.
Once out, Beca immediately said, "Okay, tell me. Is she okay?"
Amy nodded, "Yeah, she ah, I don't really know what happened. I came home and she was passed out on the couch, and she wasn't breathing," She said, "when we got here they admitted her and got her breathing again, but she hasn't woken up yet."
Beca nodded slowly, "I don't think she's taking her pills." Beca stated, "because she's been acting weird, and I know it's only been two days since I've been around her again, but she's not the Chloe I know."
Amy didn't seem to know what to say, and that's saying something on it's own.
A doctor came walking their way as they were standing in a deafening silence. He approached them calmly and said, "Are you with Chloe Beale?"
"That is us," Amy replied as she visibly checked the doctor out, while Beca only shook her head at her actions.
He gave her a weird look, before saying, "She has a stomach bug-"
"A bug? That's it?" Beca interrupted. "Are you sure? You know she has depression, right? And what about the breathing?"
The doctor nodded, "I wasn't finished."
Beca made an 'oh' motion with her mouth, letting him go in.
"We think she stopped taking her antidepressants and PTSD drugs and is taking something else that's not prescribed, which is leading to her relapsing into depression, and that's why she has the stomach bug. Sometimes when people don't take their medicine, they can get sick," he said, "and we think she was so knocked out her brain may have stopped receiving oxygen."
Beca nodded, "She was telling me she felt nauseous."
"That makes sense. She's stable and should be awake any time. We are going to let her rest for the day, and she can go home around three. Which one of you will take her?"
Before Amy had the chance, Beca said, "I will," then got a approving look from Amy.
"Okay, then I'll give you her prescription and I need you to make sure she is taking the medicine, the PTSD medication will be upped a dosage."
Beca nodded, "Will do."
The doctor nodded, gave the prescriptions, and said his goodbyes and walked away, but not before Amy could shamelessly follow him as she talked about wrestling dingo's and being a real psychic. Apparently, Amy assumed it would rail him in?
Beca chortled at Amy and carefully walked back into Chloe's hospital room and saw she was awake, with her eyes drooping and staring off into nothing.
PTSD? Chloe never said anything about that.
"Hey, you," Beca said as she walked over and pulled up a chair to Chloe's bed.
"Hey," she croaked out.
"How you feeling?" Beca asked.
Chloe shrugged and closed her eyes. "Tired," she sighed, "why are you here?" She asked as she kept them closed.
Beca sighed this time. Beca was serious about being there for Chloe. Whether it would be coming over because Chloe needed her, or rushing to the hospital and waiting until she could see her like she had done. And it was getting slightly frustrating that Chloe didn't understand Beca wanted to be there.
"I got a call after work and rushed here because I was scared that something bad happened to you," Beca said, "And something did."
Chloe nodded and knitted her eyebrows, "What did Amy say you to?"
Beca shifted and said, "Well, Amy told me that you were passed out when she came home and you weren't breathing."
Chloe huffed. "She should've just left me," She mumbled. "That was the point."
Beca's mouth dropped, "What?"
Chloe shrugged and shook her head.
Beca scooted closer to Chloe and intertwined their hands, Chloe tried to break away momentarily, but then eased into the touch.
"You don't mean that," Beca cooed.
Chloe shut her eyes and just sighed with a shaky breath, "I don't know anymore."
Beca sat for a moment, she had never thought Chloe even thought about death. Chloe was out of her life for so much time, and it's like she came back, but now, now everything has changed. She's gone in a way, but Chloe being gone for good, Beca couldn't even take the thought.
"You stopped taking your pills, didn't you? And you," Beca took a breath, "you tried to kill yourself?"
Chloe gulped, "I haven't taken them since moving back to the city. And I was having panic attack after panic attack when I got home. I couldn't take it, I couldn't breath, and I couldn't think a straight thought besides making the pain stop." Chloe voiced, "I figured, why not. As long as it stops. I had never tried it before, it never crossed my mind. I just took lots and lots of sleeping pills, and it knocked me out."
"Chloe? Can you look at me, please?" Beca asked.
Chloe turned her head and opened her eyes, Beca gripped Chloe's hand tightly and launched into her speech, "Chloe, you're the light in my life, even though you feel like nothing more than a dim bulb. I know it's cheesy and cliche, but that just makes it true. You are valid and your emotions are valid, never let anyone tell you otherwise. You are a good, strong person, even if you don't feel like you are right now," Beca said, she cupped Chloe's cheek with her other hand and ran her thumb over her skin.
"I know how fucked things have been for you, and yeah, it's hard. I can't even begin to say that I understand, because I don't. But, things DO get better, and I know you can get through this. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that's the tag line for anti-suicide measures, but it's one hundred percent the truth. You are valuable and your existence is valuable. You are the most important thing in my whole life. You have been since we were little four year old girls who would hold hands everywhere we went, to when we were twenty years old and you kissed me because you thought I was being hit on,"
Chloe blushed at the memory as her eyes filled with tears.
"There are billions of people on this planet, and even if you think everyone hates you and no one cares, I care. I give a damn. I will always be here for you. Never doubt that. I know you have been hurt by Tom and Sarah, and sadly, I'm sorry to say that I may or may not have hurt you so badly to put you in this life threatening position, but please, please, take the pills and stop hurting yourself. You can find so many friends and loved ones if you just allow yourself the time to look for them. You are one of a kind, Chloe Michelle. The world turns out to be a beautiful place and you deserve to be alive to see that. You're too beautiful to let the world swallow you whole. And you know, what? Don't let it. Don't let the bad things out weight the good. It's easier said than done, but please, don't do it. I love you more than Ross loves Rachel, and I can't lose you. Not after all that we have been through," After the monologue Beca leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Chloe's forehead.
Chloe pursed her lips and closed her eyes and let the tears she held flow, "I'm sorry," she said, "I'm sorry I stopped taking my medicine. I just, I thought that I could show everyone that I'm okay, and if I don't take my medicine, I will be okay. I just want to be okay again."
"That's what the medicine is for. To make you okay again," Beca cooed, "you'll be okay, I know you will. But ending up in a hospital because you don't feel like taking your meds, isn't okay. You could end up in a treatment center or a mental hospital if you try this again."
Chloe shook her head, "I don't want to take them," She whispered, hoarsely.
"I know," Beca said, "but you have to."
Beca realized she should ask Chloe an important question, "What do you want? I've been telling you that I'm here for you for the past two days, but I haven't asked you once what you want."
Chloe smiled halfheartedly, "I want it to stop. I want the fear I have to go away. I want to be able to walk outside of my house and not have a panic attack because I saw a fucking bird, or because I smell a certain smell. I want to be able to stay inside and not be afraid of being alone. And the worst part is, I love being alone, no, not lonely. Just alone. I used to love sitting by myself and just watching the people pass on the streets, knowing that they all have their own wonderful lives, and each and every person has a different, amazing and unique story. But- but now, now if I'm alone for more than five minutes I freak out," Chloe explained.
She sat up and ran the hand she held Beca's with through her hair and shot Beca a crude smile, as if saying, 'I know I can't have this, but I'm telling you anyway.'
"I want more than anything to feel again. I want to enjoy being awake. I want to enjoy getting out of bed and walking into the kitchen to make coffee. I want to be Chloe again. I want to love walking through the parks with you again every Thursday, instead of being afraid of the falling leaves because of how jumpy I am, or the passing people who I assume want to hurt me. I want to eat and not worry that my stomach will hurt afterwards because of the side effects of my pills. I want to go to a club and dance and get drunk just because. I want to live to the fullest. I want to experience life, instead of hiding behind my self, because I'm too damn scared.," Chloe expressed.
She clenched her jaw, "It's like yeah, I'm alive, yeah, I'm on the same trip as everyone, but I'm stuck in one damn place, while everyone is going somewhere, and I would kill to be anywhere but here. I just want to live more than anything, but I can't, because I'm practically dying," She hissed out.
Beca was speechless. What could she say? She thought about asking her about her PTSD, she thought about telling Chloe about the situation and sliding the PTSD in, so she went with the latter.
Beca nodded and set her hands on her lap, not knowing what to say she went with, "So, apparently you have a stomach bug, and you need some more medicine. Your PTSD dosage will go up, as well. And I'm taking you home later," Beca said, hoping Chloe fully understood what she threw in.
Her eyes closed, then opened and she turned her heard and Beca nodded with her lips clamped.
"You have to stop lying to me, and start telling me the truth. I know about Sarah, I know that she's hit you, I know that she verbally abused you, and I know you feel like you're a piece of shit, but you aren't, and I will make sure you never feel like that again, but first, you need to be open and honest with me. Stop closing yourself off and start letting me in."
Chloe really had nothing to say, so Beca smiled at her and started to rub her thumb over Chloe's hand. They sat there like that in silence for a while, with Chloe being very unsure of how to feel that Beca knows everything, and Beca hoping Chloe wasn't mad at her for trying to help.