CHAPTER SIXTEEN

A wind blew through the park as I stood at the entrance looking down at everyone. I started to rub my arms as the chills ran through my body while I worked out the bullet points to my grandfather's argument.

The sun was shining so why was I not feeling the warmth. Maybe I was just feeling my cold dead heart in my chest as it pumped its icy blue blood through my veins. I watched on as Alice came over and took the baby out of Edward's arms. The group laughing at something said and that Tanya girl trying her best to make a move on baby daddy number six; fawning all over Edward. Just looking at the two I could imagine that the average onlooker would think that they were together and happy at that.

My grandfather joined the group finally managing the walk back down. I see him and Edward exchange words and it wasn't but seconds later when Edward's eyes searched out mine. He gently pulls the Tanya girl off of him and excuses himself and now I will only have a couple more seconds of silence until I am given harsh stares and breathy sighs before I hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Are you okay?" He asked worried.

Not at all what I was expecting.

"I just am…dealing with something." I try to look anywhere but directly at him. Now that I wrestle with my feelings, it feels like every thought I have can be read by him.

"Something…you want to talk about? Was this…too much for you?" He asked looking back down to the group.

"No…I don't know…my grandfather and I had an argument and some of the stuff he said to me..." I sighed and shook my head still trying for it all to not make sense for once. "Look, can I…have a secret too? You can keep yours since apparently it would be like the worst thing to ever happen to me and don't ask me about mine."

I tried to remain strong. I was feeling like shit and my body was having a negative reaction to all this insightfulness. What I really wanted to do was to go home and sit in my shower so I could fall apart in solitary. It was like my brain didn't want to discern the sky from the ground anymore.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked.

YES!

"No. I just…need a few minutes. Why don't you get back down to that baby. You…look good together." I gave him a noncommittal smile.

"Why don't I introduce you? He's a charmer." Edward boasted.

Just like his mother from what I hear.

"Uh…no…I don't know the first thing about babies." I crossed my arms and held myself like he was about to throw the baby at me.

"It's a baby, not a bomb. You don't need to know anything. You just make silly faces and bounce him a little." He explained.

I had visions of me bouncing this baby and vomit flying out of it like the Exorcist. I think my face may have told him that I was not too keen on the idea.

"You don't have to hold him. Besides now that Alice has him, I doubt she would give him up."

I felt a chill creep through my body and I couldn't stop myself from visibly shaking.

"Wow, you really don't like kids, do you?" he gave me a look.

"What? No! It's not that. I'm just cold is all." I defended.

"Cold? It's like ninety degrees out here." He lifted up a hand to my forehead but I backed away.

"What are you doing?" I asked dodging his hand.

"I'm seeing if you have a temperature. Hold still." He put his hand on my forehead and I felt nervous for some reason.

"Are you feeling okay? You're perspiring."

"I'm cold and…I have a lot on my mind. I just…need a few private moments so why don't you go back down there already." I shooed him away but as I was waving my hands at him to leave, he reached out and grabbed one of my hands.

"My god, Bella. Your hands are ice cold."

"It's nothing…I'm just…mental." I pulled my hand back from him.

I didn't want him prying. My body's weird reactions so did not need to register on his radar.

"I think you're getting sick."

"I'm fine." I stated determined. "Just drop it."

I sighed and started to walk back down to the picnic tables.

"Where do you think you're going?" Edward jumped in front of my path. "Bella, you're sick."

"You don't know that. Just because I'm cold doesn't mean anything."

"You're cold and it's hot out here. Your hands are freezing. The last thing you should do is go down there and expose yourself, especially to the baby. Stay here. I'll…go and get everything."

"My grandfather's going to think that I making this all up. He's already disappointed in me enough. This whole day was a big mistake. I knew it would be and now my life is even shittier then it was. Everyone trying to put all this pressure on me and for what? What is so god dammed important about me? Why do I feel like the fate of humanity is resting in my hands?" I lashed out.

"I think you're being a tad over dramatic." Edward replied.

"You can't possibly know. You don't know what it's like to have no expectations from you and then one day…it's all my grandfather seems to think about. He expects me to be happy and to have babies and husbands and…everything I never even thought about."

"There's nothing wrong to just think about it. I think your grandfather just wants to know you have a future. A happy one. I know what's it's like to have expectations put on you. The foreboding feeling of possible disappointment from people you care about. Big expectations. Great expectations."

"That was a horrible movie."

"You weren't supposed to watch it; you were supposed to read it." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Plus I don't really get Gwyneth Paltrow. She's so…annoying."

"Not attractive at all." He paused and looked me in the eyes, "Stay here…and I will go and get our stuff. You really need to get home…you need rest."

I sighed and gave him a noncommittal shrug. He took that for a yes and turned to run off down to the tables. I stood by the fence while I watched Edward explain our early departure. I wasn't sure who was more irritated by our early leave; my grandfather or that Tanya baby maker. While Edward was having a time to explain to my grandfather what was going on, I could see Tanya giving me the good old-fashioned stare down. It was childish but I couldn't help but smile and wave at her.

"Why isn't grandfather coming?" I asked when Edward reached the fence.

"Alice is going to take him home. He wanted to stay longer."

We both reached the car and without word, Edward took over driving. It did feel a lot nicer in my hot car and it was at that moment I realized that something must be wrong with me.

"So…my grandfather told me that…he was fascinated by all the different stories he heard today." I started.

"Yeah?"

"And…it made me think…what your story was?"

"My story?"

"Yeah…I mean… you obviously weren't always homeless."

"Why would you think that?" he asked.

"You're far too educated. If I had to guess…I would definitely say Ivy League."

"So now you want to know my story. Why do you care?"

"Because you're my friend. I thought that's what friends do…I mean you know an awful lot about me and isn't it just right that I know more about you?" I didn't understand why he was being defensive.

He sighed and turned onto my street, not saying another word until my gate started to open.

"Why don't you go and get into something comfortable. I'm going to go to the store and get the stuff to make you my amazing chicken noodle soup. From scratch."

"Edward, you don't need to do all that. You can just pick up a can of Campbell's."

"Just let me do things my way for once. No complaining from you." He stopped in front of my door and I started to get out confused why I would irritate him so with my questions. I turned to him before closing the door.

"Hey…I didn't mean to upset you. If this has to do with your big secret then just say so. You don't need to be so rude." I huffed and slammed the car door.

I wasn't mad before but now I was. I mean what was so damn wrong with what I asked? All he had to do was just say that he didn't want to talk about it. I stomped up to my room determined to not come out the rest of the day. I needed a break from Edward. I needed a break from everyone.

I closed my door and locked it. If I could I would have shackled it shut from the outside so I wouldn't be tempted to give in when Edward came to apologize and I knew he would because he was wrong here.

I finally got into my shower like I had wanted to do since the park but I couldn't find any tears in me just anger now. The hot water felt like a dream but my mind was still spinning with feelings for Edward. My grandfather's words. Edward's reaction to one simple question. That Tanya baby-making bitch. Angela. Those two kids. Bananas. Homeless. Soup kitchens.

I wanted to shut it all out.

I must have sat in that shower for an hour with obviously no concern for the permanent drought that the great state of California was always in. I was in that shower so long my skin had turned red from the heat of the water. My whole bathroom was one big fog fest just like my brain.

I heard the knock on my bathroom door and it surprised me.

"How did you get into my room?" I yelled out to Edward.

"Really Bella? A two-year old could pick those locks with their fake plastic keys."

"That is…really creepy and completely inappropriate. Just because you can pick a lock doesn't mean you should. Get out!"

"I made you your soup and even made your bed since it was a mess."

"Leave the soup if you must and get out, Edward."

"Would you just let me explain? You came way out of left field earlier so I wasn't prepared." He said through the door.

I wrapped my towel around me and pulled the door open. "Prepared for what? More lies?"

"If you ask me a question…I will try to answer it to the best of my abilities."

"What about your big secret?" I raised a challenging eyebrow.

"How about I make you a deal, Bella. I'll tell you my secret, when you tell me yours."

I immediately felt my body backing down for my mouth. Telling him my secret wasn't exactly something I wanted to do now…maybe ever so he had won this round.

"Would you put some clothes on before you get worse?" Edward pushed off the door frame and went around to the other side of my bed and sat down in my chair.

I sighed irritated and quickly went over to my dresser to grab something warm and fluffy to ride out my day in. "Well, I'm ready to hear it."

"Get dressed and into bed before I begin." He ordered.

I went to my bathroom and changed quickly. I could feel the dizziness start to come on while I reached down to lift my pants on. I wanted to hear what he had to say but I was starting to feel the exhaustion set in. I would need to make this fast.

I finally settled down in my amazing bed and waited.

"Eat. It will help." Edward pointed to my bedside table where a concoction of ingredients sat.

I started to reach for the bowl but them stopped.

"Tell me first why you were so upset with me and then I'll eat."

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "I wasn't upset with you…I just didn't know how to start. You probably won't understand why I decided to become homeless."

"Become? Like you had a choice between showering on the daily and a nice warm bed with food in your tummy and you chose homelessness instead?"

"Yes. This was a choice I made."

I furrowed my brow incredibly confused.

"I…a couple of months ago…" He paused trying to find the right words. "I saw a video…a traffic camera video. A homeless man was struck by a car that ran a red light. The driver didn't stop. Didn't care. And I'm sure you're probably thinking, that happens. Unfortunately there are always going to be the asshole drivers who don't stop but what affected me was the fact that this all happened in broad day light and you can see the pedestrians on the street just walk on by. People would look and then go back to whatever they were doing. No one ran out to help the man. He was literally reaching out his hand and no one went over to help him. I…just sat there at my desk for some time thinking about what that said about our society. I heard them interview people on the street asking them why they didn't do anything and some said, they didn't want to get involved. Others wouldn't admit to even seeing anything even though it was apparent that they did and then someone was honest enough to say that the homeless man was dirty and she was afraid that he would attack her or pass some disease onto her. How could this have happened? How had our society become so callous and barbaric to not help our fellow man? So…I gave it all up. I wanted to know what it was to be homeless. I wanted to help and find a way to shine a light on these people…these people who I have befriended. The people who are just like you and me but had some twist and turns that made it hard for them to find someone to pull them up and out of the street. You're right, I was Ivy League. I graduated from Yale…the dream you wanted; I had it and I found more goodness in the people down on skid row then I ever found at Yale. I stand outside on street corners near places that I know will make people uncomfortable. I stand outside five-star restaurants and hear as patrons demand that I move because I am ruining the ambiance of their meal. My only crime is that I am dressed in rags and haven't showered. I stood outside that day at the restaurant that you attended with your friends while a security guard shooed me away because I ruined your ambiance. I didn't want your money, Bella. I wanted your kindness. I wanted to find your goodness and now I want to know that if you were one of those pedestrians who watched as our fellow brother was mowed down; would you do something? Or would you just walk away?"

What a question. I sat there listening to every single word and feeling more and more shitty about my existence. Sure I wasn't the one asking for Edward to leave that day when I brunched with Lauren and Jessica but I did make a snide remark egging Lauren on while she yelled about trying to get Edward removed. I'm sure Edward wanted me to say, yes. Yes, I would go out and help the homeless man who had just been hit by a car but I think what Edward wanted more from me was the truth.

"I don't know. I want to say yes…but…I honestly don't know and that makes me a horrible person, right?" I replied softly.

He stood up from my chair in the corner and walked over to my bed sitting on the edge.

"No…it makes you honest. I…I…before I watched that video…if I was honest with myself…I don't know if I would have done the right thing either. It's easy to get upset about something and point fingers at all that is wrong with the picture but until you're a part of that picture…you don't know what role you would have played. I would like to think I would have been decent enough but…who knows."

He looked down at my soup. "You should eat."

"I'm not really feeling very hungry. I…I kinda want to sleep now."

If I wasn't drained before, after that story, I certainly was now.

"Okay…I will just take this back down and put it back in the pot." He said before tucking me in under the sheets.

Edward was homeless by choice. Homeless by choice? I just laid there thinking about that. How could anyone just decide to up and leave it all behind? It was one thing to be strongly affected and want to help out but to just live the life of a nomad and sleep in a shelter or on the ground because you wanted to, was just something I couldn't begin to fathom.

And then, what about this secret? Once again that damn old secret popped up and I couldn't help but wonder where all that played a part. Was his secret something that happened after he chose this life of homelessness? Was it something that happened before and it was an underlying motivating factor in his decision.

This secret. Something that I wouldn't understand or give him a chance to explain is what my grandfather had pretty much stated. Something that Edward was worried that I would hate him for. The clues are right in front of you but I go in the wrong direction every time. Something horrible. Death? His parents died. Murder? Did Edward murder someone? Maybe it was self-defense; I can't imagine him murdering someone in cold blood. He just didn't give off that whole murdery vibe. Maybe it happened when he was on the streets. Maybe he was an alcoholic? I haven't ever seen him take a drink of alcohol before. What skeletons were in your closet, Mr. Masen that would make you go out searching for penance on the harsh streets?

Dammit Bella, this is getting to be as bad as the time you thought Edward was gay.

My sleep was not a pleasant one to say the least. I think the visions I had as Edward told his graphic story of the homeless man had played one too many times in my mind before I finally nodded off. My nightmares were of Edward being hit by a car while I stood by watching as people walked past him. Unable to do anything but stare as he takes his last breath.

I wake up in tears thankful that it was all just a nightmare but still feeling the pain and sadness of seeing Edward while he laid there dying.

"What's wrong?"

His voice scares my wits and I yelp.

"It's okay…it's just me." He says reaching to turn on my bedside lamp. It's completely dark and with my tears I am accompanied by sweat. My pillow is drenched in it.

"What are you doing here?" I managed.

"I was…I didn't want to leave you alone in case you needed something." He explained. "Did you have a nightmare?"

I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head not wanting to share with him my REM cycle visions.

"I'm just glad you're okay." I cannot believe I just said that. I immediately cringe at my word vomit.

"Why wouldn't I be? Did you have a nightmare about me?" he asked softly.

I didn't answer not wanting to embarrass myself further.

"I guess…I just am happy to know that you care enough about me to worry." He replied when I wouldn't give him an answer.

"Of course I care." I snapped. "I would help you if…you were in the street. I would help you."

Now was so not the time for the water works. I want to blame my crimson curse but I know I shouldn't. He moves closer to me pulling me to him and placing an arm around me.

"I know you would, Bella. Was that what your nightmare was about? I didn't mean to give you nightmares."

"It's just stupid." I whispered.

We sat there in silence on my bed while Edward rubs my arm up and down. There were so many questions I had but I was starting to be afraid to ask them. If I was…feeling something for Edward…would I really not have patience for his answers because I was afraid of wanting more?

"So…why are you here?" I asked.

"In your bedroom?"

"No…yes…no…well if your whole point of being homeless was for the experience and wanting to find ways to help out your fellow man…why would ever accept coming here. Wouldn't this house and everything in it be like the complete opposite to everything you believe in?"

"I…am helping out my fellow man."

I furrowed my brow and looked up at him.

"I know you won't admit it but I think that you need me more than you want to realize."

"But I'm not homeless. Wouldn't your time be better spent on someone who really needs you?"

"You don't really need me? You don't want me around?"

"Well…yes but…my problems are fickle and completely superficial." I stated.

"Those words mean the same thing. Fickle and superficial."

"Um…back that brain up, Yale boy. They do not mean the same thing." I said pushing him off and getting out of my bed. I quickly went over to my table and picked up the Oxford dictionary that he had given me.

"Fickle." I announced flipping through the "F" section to find the word, "…means…changing frequently, especially as regards one's loyalties, interests, or affection. Whereas superficial means…not having or showing any depth of character or understanding or not thorough, deep, or complete; cursory."

"Alright my little scholar, I concede discomfited now do you want something to eat or not?"

"Maybe it was a good thing that I didn't attend Yale. I can see now that their standards have slipped. What major were you by the way? Can I ask that?"

"Do you want to eat or not?" Edward replied getting off my bed.

"Wow, it must be embarrassing if you don't want to tell me. Embarrassing majors…let me think." I teased tapping my finger on my chin.

"I definitely need to get some food in your mouth. You're much more pleasant when you don't speak."

I followed Edward down the steps taunting him with different areas of study when we reached the bottom of the stairs it hit me.

"English. I would bet my first-born that it's English." I snapped my fingers.

He looked back at me giving me a scornful look before turning to continue onto the kitchen.

"I KNEW IT!" I shouted. "Wow that is embarrassing, being given an English lesson by a sad little high school graduate. I bet if I were to contact your old alma mater they would take your diploma back."

"Eat." Edward pushed a bowl of chicken noodle at me. "You've had your fun, now eat."

I sat there happily eating his amazing chicken noodle soup, giving him an all superior smile while I did it.

"So…Bella…while you sit there enjoying the meal that I made…that I slaved over. I think it's only fair that you answer some questions for me."

That wiped the superior smile off my face immediately.

"What do you want to know?" I cringed.

"Today…at the park…" he started.

"Yeah?" I waved at him to continue while he took his time building the suspense.

"Well…I saw something and it confused me so…I want the truth from you. Why were you taunting Tanya?"

He saw that?

Fuck!

AN: Once again, sorry this took longer to get out to you. For my readers in the USA, have a happy fourth and hopefully I will have a chapter later this week. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I have to say that one review was pretty spot on last chapter with a prediction of an upcoming plot point.