CHAPTER NINETEEN

The fog slowly lift from his eyes and before he could reply I pulled his neck toward me and crashed my lips onto his. I felt him stiffen and then shortly after, complete and utter surrender as he pulled my body closer and closer.

I felt my dress drop to the ground and I pulled myself up to wrap my legs around his waist. He stumbled a little with me never breaking our kiss toward the bedroom cupping my ass along the way. Hitting a wall every once in a while when he was about to lose balance. I should help him navigate but I didn't want that kiss to end. The taste, the feeling of my tongue as it tangled with his. Ending that kiss prematurely was certainly a no-no.

Once we reached the guest bedroom I untangled myself and began to help undress him.

Was I doing this because of the liquid courage I had consumed earlier? Was I doing this because it had been far too long and I was horny as fuck? Or was I doing this because I finally wanted to explore every feeling I had for Edward hoping by the end of the night I would have complete knowledge. No more questions. It was time for answers.

A thought occurred to me as we ripped to get him out of his costume that I would not be getting back my security deposit back but that quickly vanished the minute I saw those abs. I undid my bra not wanting him to have to figure that out in his state and couldn't help but smile when I heard him whisper out a vulgar, "fuck."

I took control ready to finally feel something. I pushed him down to the bed and ripped at his tights surprised to find that he had gone commando that evening. His cock sprung straight up and there was never a more glorious sight for me. I anxiously climbed on top of him and continued kissing his lips almost afraid he would say something to ruin this. Maybe I was in my right mind looking back. I should have stopped but I already felt my body readying itself and desperate for that knowledge and release.

I slid down his harden dick and looked into his eyes and that's when I saw it. In his eyes, I saw what I had been looking for. I almost cried but I didn't want to ruin it. Now was not the time to go all girl on him. This was meant to be.

"Oh god, Bella." I heard him say.

I placed my hands on his chest and lifted myself up and down while I watched Edward's face contort. No longer did I need to image or dream what this would be like, I finally had reality and reality was much better.

He placed a soft hand upon my face and stroked my cheek pulling me out of my concentration to achieve release.

"You're beautiful…so beautiful." He said each word with effort but his words stopped my motion and I slowly slid back down him, feeling him abundantly fill me.

"I…I…" I tried to say the words. I tried to tell him vocally my feelings but I was still scared. Scared of something I wasn't even fully sure of.

"Shh…beautiful Bella. Make love to me, my beautiful Bella." I heard him whisper. He laid his hands on my hips and closed his eyes. I slowly pulled myself back up and made effort to pace myself. I could see his eyes flinch every single time I came down on him.

I was ready for it. I knew it wouldn't take me much longer but Edward didn't look like he would be ready for some time yet. He reached up and caressed my breast and I quicken my pace.

"Come on….cum with me." I begged.

He tightened his legs and attempted to thrust harder into me.

"Cum Bella." He ordered softly.

I started shaking my head and slowed down my pace. I wanted us to come together. I would wait but Edward sensing my plan quickly maneuvered two fingers down between where our bodies met and fiddled with my clit.

"No." I cried. "No…no…." He worked harder and faster until I couldn't resist. I lost all thoughts and my body worked on autopilot until I flopped onto the bed next to his body. He pulled the sheets up around us and I was in bliss, incredible perfect bliss until I heard him yelling the next morning.

I had just settled back down in Edward's arms the next morning still feeling high on life until I was suddenly awoken by shouts.

"WHAT? Fuck! No! No…no…no." Edward is already dumping me off by the first no. He scrambled out of bed like he just woke up to find the fiery flames of Hell were lying next to him.

"What's going on? What's wrong?" I asked.

"This is a mistake. My god…what have I done." He looks like he's about to cry or just utterly disgusted, I'm not sure which.

"What was a mistake?" I stand up as I see him quickly throw on whatever clothes he can find.

"God Bella…god….FUCK!"

"Edward, you're freaking me the fuck out. What's wrong?"

He pauses long enough to finally look at me and I see a completely contrasting look in his eyes than that of which I saw last night.

"I'm so sorry, Bella….I'm such an asshole. I never should have…this was a mistake and it's all my fault." He shook his head and I can see the pain in his eyes turn to anger, "I was drunk and I never should have fucked you."

I feel a shortness of breath as I step back involuntarily from him. He says one last, "I'm sorry" before quickly leaving.

I was a mistake.

My feelings, all of them…were mistakes.

I shuttered as I looked around the room and am assaulted with visions of the previous night. I can't turn them off. I am so overcome that my legs can't support me any longer and I fall into the sheets and blankets on the floor, completely collapsing.

How could I have been so wrong? I start to think of every moment I have had with Edward since he came into my life and completely turned my world upside down. Every single thought I have had since I have met him has been wrong. I kept trying to figure out some great secret and each and every time I was wrong.

I try to workout a reason for his complete and total meltdown. Was I really that hideous to him that he would react so passionately to being found naked lying with me? Even now I still am trying to discover what that big damn secret was. It had to be the reason for all my pain.

Was he married? This whole time, maybe he was married and realizing that he had just cheated on his wife in an alcohol induced moment of ignorance. Something like that could very well be the reason. Maybe he had a sexually transmitted disease and realized that he could be putting my life at risk. He could have AIDS or HIV, deadly and incurable.

I begin to stand up finally and see the tall standing mirror in the corner. I drop the covers from my body and stare at my naked form.

Or maybe it was just me.

A poor little rich girl with no higher education. Lacks morals. Is crass with no prospects of a bright future. Selfish. Ignorant.

Edward woke up and looked at our tangled naked bodies and was completely disgusted. He yelled, "No" over and over again like if he said it enough, I would disappear. He called me a mistake. He said he fucked me when last night he asked me to make love to him.

I begin to tremble again and no longer can keep my stomach at bay. I run for the nearest bathroom and retch everything I have left in me.

I can't stay in this room any longer so I shut the door and go upstairs hoping to find solace in my bed. My mind goes over and over every word ever said, every facial expression made and analyze until the point of exhaustion.

I used to think that the reason I never wanted to get married or be in a relationship was because I was rebelling against my father's ideals of where my place in the world should be but now I know that wasn't my whole truth. I was hiding my heart because I was afraid of it being broken.

The first couple of days after Edward left; I spent feeling sorry for myself. But as time passed from that horrific first of November, I began to feel anger. I was angry at Edward Masen. I stumbled down the stars for the first time in days, my stomach completely shredded by the lack of nutrients.

I open my refrigerator to find it stocked with food that Edward bought and slam it shut not wanting to eat a bite of anything he has brought here. I move on to the cupboards and scrounge to find some old cereal to munch on.

My stomach is un-amused at my attempts for sustenance so I try to cut of any outgoing communications it might send to my brain by turning on trash TV. The entertainment channel is buzzing with controversy as I see the reporters work themselves into a frenzy. I see a picture of Jacob Black appear on the screen and suddenly it's like my hearing can work.

"…early this morning after attending the Warner Bros. Halloween bash last night. The girl in the car was identified as a minor and is said to be in critical condition at Cedars- Sinai Medical Center. Jacob Black's publicist has yet to comment on Jacob's arrest after blowing a point ten on the Breathalyzer."

Pictures of a cherry red Lamborghini in pieces flew across the screen. I shook my head with reproach.

Jacob Black.

The reason I was sitting on a couch with my life in ruins. It all started with Jacob Black.

"Stupid ass celebrities." I spit.

I'm still hungry and I guess I should take that as a good sign that my appetite is coming back but every time I think of opening that refrigerator and having food that Edward brought into this house I am completely disgusted with myself and low tolerance so I finally get up and go to my garage to get a box.

I wouldn't stoop so low as to just throw the food out. I couldn't do that after knowing what I have learned. I start with tossing all the boxes and cans and completely emptying my cupboards not wanting to leave a single reminder behind.

I begin to open my refrigerator after the third can good box and begin the purge when my doorbell rings.

I pause for a moment wondering who it could be.

I feel tears start to creep up as Edward's name flashes in my mind and it vanishes quickly replaced with anger. I prepare myself as I am ready to give him a verbal thrashing of his life.

The doorbell rings once more.

"I'm coming." I snapped loudly.

I stormed over to the door and rip it open to find Alice on the other side. Alice jumps back at the sight of me.

"Are you okay?"

My heart slows down from its manic state and my dam bursts.

"No!" I wailed. "I am not okay."

"Oh my god." Alice immediately pulls me into a hug and pushes me back into the house. "What happened?"

My attempt at explaining is drowned out by my blubbering and snot. I can tell she didn't understand a word of what I was trying to say. Alice looks around and we both take a side step to maneuver around the massive Belle dress still lying on the floor from where it was abandoned. I believe she is trying to put the pieces together on her own as we make our way toward the television room.

"Uh…where's Edward?" She asked cautiously.

My tears of sorrow quickly turn into tears of wrath.

"I'm just one big fucking mistake. That's all I was to him."

"Okay…um…back up a bit. I'm having trouble following you."

We both sat down on the couch and I tried to suppress my tears and anger for the time being to be able to form a coherent sentence. It took a minute and I could tell that Alice was worried for what I was about to tell her.

I swallowed one more time and continued. "We got back from the bar…on Halloween night and…of course we were a little drunk. I mean…it was a mistake…I don't know what I was thinking. I had far less to drink than Edward that night. I should have stopped it, not…pushed for it but I have just been so confused lately. I felt myself feeling things…that I've never felt before. I always knew that Edward was dangerous…"

"Dangerous? Has he ever…" Alice interrupted.

"No, not dangerous like he's going to shank me. Dangerous like…he could be…the one."

Alice tried to stop her face from lighting up but I caught it.

"Don't get so excited. It's doesn't go both ways. Edward…has feelings for someone else and that someone else isn't me."

She looked at me with a face full of confusion. "Has feelings for…who? Who else is there?"

"I don't know…he told me a couple of weeks back that there was someone he was thinking about. We had just gotten into this stupid fight over Tanya and he said that he wasn't going to go after her because he was already pursuing someone else. He never said who."

"God, what a dumbass." She huffed which I assume she was offended for me. "So…what exactly happened on Halloween night?"

I felt my face start to turn crimson. "You know."

She stared at me until compression dawned in her eyes.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! You…and…Edward..." She made a vulgar gesture with her hands and I just answered with a nod. "Okay, just wait one damn minute."

She jumped up from the couch, "Before we continue this, I have to have something to eat…or drink…or a sedative. This is huge. Major. Unimaginable…."

"Okay, I get it." I held up my hand for her to stop, "Shocker that Edward would want to sleep with me, I know."

"No." She stopped me at once, "Not at all….I'm surprised you would want to sleep with him…he…doesn't exactly fit the kind of guy you could take home to meet daddy."

"I deserve that. I am shallow and…I never thought that far ahead. I…I've been feeling things, foreign feeling type things the past couple of weeks and even though Edward is arrogant and always feels the need to be right and righteous and completely incapable of keeping a personal space rule…I can't stop thinking about him. There must be something wrong…"

"No. No, no…this is…this is perfect. Your feelings are completely valid. I was wondering when you were going to work out what all of us already see." She gushed sitting back down.

"There's one problem with your sentiment." I sighed, "Edward…doesn't feel the same way. He practically fled this house like a hole from hell was about to open up and swallow us whole. He kept saying over and over again how it was all a mistake and saying, no. No! No! He looked angry and disgusted all at the same time. I…when we were…the night before…he was nice and I mean…was he really that drunk? Did he not remember what we had done? I was intoxicated too but…I remember every moment and I was happy." I began to cry again, "I was really happy."

Alice shook her head slowly, her own eyes filling with tears, "I'm so sorry, Bella…I could just kill him for fucking this up."

"I'm sorry I haven't been at Horizons…I…just couldn't go back there. I couldn't face him. I feel so embarrassed." I confessed.

"Why should you be embarrassed? He's the dumbass. Look…I have… known Edward for a very long time and I hope it's some kind of consolation that…I know he is somewhere feeling mighty stupid and horrible for how he treated you. He hasn't been around Horizons and now I know why. He's probably off kicking rocks over how he fucked up the best thing that's ever happened to him…"

"Best thing." I shook my head disbelieving.

"Hey!" Alice snapped, "You may think you're this…horrible person but I'm not buying it."

I stared at her shocked by her outburst.

"You want to meet someone truly horrible…then I'll show you a person who doesn't even know that they are a horrible human being. So what if you have money and like to shop…yes, you may think about yourself a little too much but that doesn't make you horrible. Hitler was horrible. Attila the Hun. Bernie Madoff. They are horrible."

"Really Alice? Hitler. You had to try to compare me to Hitler in order to make a point?"

She sighed frustrated and tried again.

"I work at a soup kitchen, Bella. Every single day I see what it means to have horrible things happen. The man who…beats his wife and kids…and they are forced to live the streets, he is horrible. The parents that kick their own child out of the house because he refused to sell drugs for them, they are horrible. Not the girl who comes and works at a soup kitchen because she wants to meet a celebrity…I don't find her horrible at all."

"I didn't have good intentions." I reminded her.

"Maybe…but you came and you stayed…even when it got hard…you stayed. Which is a lot better than the people who come through my doors for a day with all the good intensions in the world just to turn their back on the place once the day is done. I'm not saying that they are bad people but don't think that they're better than you."

I sighed. I wanted to believe Alice's kind words. She was trying to help me through a time when I needed a friend. Who would have ever thought that this woman sitting next to me, who upset me when she scolded me for giving a whole banana out, who would have ever thought that, we could be friends.

"Getting back to this…whole Jacob Black business." She started.

"What about him. I saw something this morning about being arrested or something."

"He's already out…which is why I came here today." She breathed in and gave me a smile, "He's coming to Horizons. Like…today. For dinner."

"Why? I mean…he just got out of jail. Shouldn't he be laying low?"

"His publicist wants to jump on this, reminding his fans and the public that despite what everyone's saying, he still a good guy. They are in serious need of some good publicity and are desperate." She replied.

"Does it bother you that he's using the kitchen for a PR stunt?" I asked.

"No…it sheds a light on our work and believe it or not when he comes, we seem to see an upswing in volunteers. Plus…in a way he is responsible for you coming to Horizons so…"

"Edward's responsible for that. I never would have thought about going and working in a soup kitchen."

"It was all destiny and now it's your chance to finish what you started."

"Look at me. I'm a mess. I can't meet Jacob Black looking like this."

"Are you nuts?" She smacked me in the arm, "This is what you've been working for. Are you really going to pass up this opportunity? I don't think so, missy. If the charges stick against him this time, he could go to prison and then he definitely won't be "doing" good will at Thanksgiving. This could be your only chance. So why don't you get your lazy butt up off this couch, go shower and dig out your volunteer shirt because you are coming to Horizons. Dammit Bella, you are finishing this."

I sat there rubbing my arm. She sure could pack a mighty punch.

"GO!" She screamed again and I jumped a little before quickly heading off.

I fretted the whole time I was in the shower over this moment that I had waited over a month for. I wondered what Jacob would be like? Would Edward be at the kitchen? Alice said he hadn't been around so that was a positive. I was nervous.

When I came back down the stairs to meet Alice, she had discarded the Belle dress and had all my food boxes stacked up by the door.

"Figured if you were donating these…" she bit her lip.

"Of course you can have them. Please have them. At least one good thing can come out of…" I didn't finish.

"Let's get going." She gave me a knowing sadden look.

It felt good to be able to donate all that food to a cause that I personally knew needed it. It reminded me of the pile of clothes I wanted to donate to Edward and suddenly I thought that I should bring those by tomorrow and drop them off at the good will.

I helped Alice and Jasper unload all the food boxes and was once again relieved to have visual conformation that Edward wasn't around. Alice explained that she was going to set me right up next to Jacob at a serving station. The normal protocol was that Jacob would come in with most likely a bunch of reporters who would interview him briefly and then take photos of him "interacting" with the people while sloping their plates with the day's special.

After twenty minutes however, he normally asked Alice if he could "help" with the cooking in the kitchen and then slid out the back door. Alice was fully aware of his normal tendencies and even though I could tell she was irritated by her kitchen being used, Jacob was a friend so she allowed it.

Jacob Black had come to Horizons. In a cool custom leather jacket, he practically sparkled when he walked through the door. His teeth gleamed bright and his hair made you want to run your hands through its spiky texture. People surrounded him like they believed that just touching him would heal all their aliments.

I stood there completely in awe. A glow had surrounded him and I believe it wasn't because of him being the crazy celebrity he was, I believe it was because I actually felt an accomplishment for this moment. Every single hard day I had spent at Horizons. Every bad idea I had to try to meet this man and now I had won!

Alice ushered Jacob in after I had set up all the trays. She took the time to reintroduce Jacob to his station and handed him tongs for the rolls he would be placing on the plates.

"And this is Bella. She's a natural…so if you need any help, she is the one to ask." Alice introduced me.

Jacob looked to me and faltered a moment.

"What is…a beautiful woman like yourself doing in place like this." His words ran smoothly.

"Uh…even if I told you…you'd never believe it." I quipped with an awkward smile.

"It's a story I still wouldn't mind hearing some time." He looked over to Alice and dismissed her, "I think we're good here."

A part of me puffed up with pride. He really hadn't noticed me that day he jogged past me and now Jacob Black was flirting with me.

"So…um…come here often." I wanted to smack myself. I was crap at talking to celebrities.

He laughed, "Don't you know that this is like a second home to me."

I smiled with a blush and tried to look away before I embarrassed myself further.

"Okay, I'm opening doors." Alice announced.

Jacob rolled his eyes, "The things we have to do."

He gave me that goofy grin and picked up his tongs.

People started to file in and line up. The reporters and photographers were ushered to another place so that they would impede on the line.

I did my job probably keeping way to close of an eye on Jacob while I did it. I could see him already being interviewed and overheard what he was saying to the reporters.

"I've always had a place for Horizons in my heart. I've been coming here for years and it helps keep me grounded. I know what it's like to live out of a car and be concerned for food…I just want to give back since I have been so blessed."

Wow, he sounded like a real stand-up guy. I guess I should never base my opinion on what I hear in the tabloids. I didn't know that Jacob struggled growing up. Even though Alice made it seem like he was only here for the publicity, there might be more to him after all.

"Bella..." I felt someone tug me lightly from behind and I absently turned to come face to face with Edward.

"We need to talk."

My smile from thinking of Jacob instantly vanished and my blood began to boil. Talking with Edward Masen was the last thing I was going to do.

AN: a few housekeeping things. First off my life is going to be crazy for the next three weeks. I have a wedding I'm in and comic con for my business and at my work, I am way overworked right now so please don't expect too many updates. I will try to update at least once a week but that's all I can promise.

Secondly, I know a couple of things have been said about my grammar and I have no intention of ever pursuing a book deal on these stories I write. If I did in the future, that's what editors are for. I write because I love it and I find it fun so don't expect the grammar to get better anytime soon.

And last I really hope you all would go and check out this video I saw this week. In regards to this story, it really hits home. You can look it up using the keywords a woman passes her homeless sister on the street. Its on The tizzy .com.

Thank you all for your reviews and taking the time to read!