CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I was having trouble with the simple art of communication. I could tell from his face that he was having the same problem. Normally, I would take a moment to berate my ignorant self for the inability of speech. However, here was Edward Cullen standing before me with his Ivy League degree, and even he couldn't form a two-word sentence.
Edward Cullen. Not Edward Masen.
I was still having trouble putting those two words together. I could feel the sting each time I thought of them and, sadly, I believe I did think of them often because, clearly, I was a masochist.
Edward Cullen.
Ouch.
"What are you doing here?" I asked softly.
In all the world of things to ask or say, why I decided for that to be my opening line, I do not know, but in the fine nature of things at least I was able to say something. He couldn't even form two words. Those two words that I wanted to hear but I knew wouldn't make a bit of difference.
"I…I wanted to pay my respects…to your grandfather…wish him…well." He exhaled for a pause, "I'm really sorry, Bella."
The two words he managed to make, turned into three by adding a "really" in between, like that was supposed to further his cause. I feel my eyes flinch at them.
"…I never…I am just so incredibly sorry and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself for what I did." He continued on while I started to feel myself hate the very words he spoke. I felt a fire bubbling beneath my skin and I should tell him to shut up now, before he says something even stupider.
And then he said something stupider.
"I wanted to tell you…"
"Bull shit!" I spat. "You wanted to tell me."
Now I was finding my voice and it wasn't a pleasant version of it.
"I did. I tri…" He whispered.
"Bella…I'm a reporter. That is what telling me sounded like to you?" I was cynical and relentless. "You should have said, Bella, I am a reporter for the Los Angeles fucking Times and I plan on ruining your fucking life. Do you have any idea what your article did? Never mind that I actually cared about you and you just ripped me apart. Do you know what it's like to have the one person you have ever had feelings for tell the world how he thinks you're an ignorant, disgusting human being?"
"That article was never supposed to be about you." Edward replied, "I don't think you're a disgusting human being…I don't think anything like that at all."
"Sure fooled me but, then again, I just might not be smart enough to understand what you meant when you said that I was an ugly duckling who is incapable of empathy."
"I…I was angry at you and I was not in my right mind. I wish I could take it back. I would do anything for that. Bella, you have to believe me" he begged.
"Yeah…well you can't." Losing my fire as it began to be extinguished by my own watery tears. "In fact, you could write a follow-up piece. You could title it, The Annie Story in Reverse; Isabella Swan As She Goes From Riches to Rags. You can go back undercover as a homeless person and follow me around as I try to skimp by on the streets of Los Angeles since I no longer have a home or money or anything."
Edward furrowed his brow, "What do you mean?"
"Oh, you didn't hear how my father disowned me? Took away everything. I have nowhere to go…no one to turn to since you took my only friend and made her a lie too."
"God, Bella…I…I…" He just shook his head trying to find the right combination of words to make it better, but he could search for all eternity and not find them. "Can I do…anything…please…please let me help you."
"You want to help me?" I asked confused. "You really want to help me?"
I wanted to unload the unholy load of a shit storm upon him but I couldn't, because I looked at Edward Cullen, who probably looked physically no better than I, and I wasn't angry anymore. I was genuinely heartbroken and scared of the power this man held.
"I don't know what I did to you…to deserve this. I…I'm sure it's something that will plague me for the rest of my life, if that brings you comfort. I think that you are just karma delivering a righteous heavy blow, and if you are genuine with your wishes of help then…please…please just leave me alone. Please…" I started to cry and beg and I hated myself for it, "I can't take anymore. If I have wronged you, I am sorry, but please don't do anything more to me. I have lost everything…isn't that enough for you? You have had a chance to say…everything you could possibly say to hurt me or to bring me down. I won't retaliate…I have learned my lesson and if you have any mercy in your heart, you will just leave… me…alone."
He stood there staring at my pathetic self. His hand began to rise, I think to comfort me, but I stepped back with a shiver. My tears marred my vision but, if I wasn't mistaken, I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes as well, but I wouldn't think on them.
"I swear…I will never hurt you again…I will find a way to make this right." He promised.
"I don't want you to make anything right…I just want you to turn and walk away and never think of me again." I shook, taking another step back toward the hospital doors.
I waited for him to comply, but he didn't move. I shook my head once more to try to clear it, and finally determined that I had to be the one to walk away. So, with my heavy heart, I turned away from Edward Cullen and left him standing there in that dank parking garage.
My head kept shouting at me to forget Edward Cullen, but my heart still held onto him. I don't even know why. Was it because we had one night together that, for me, was the closest to perfection I've ever had? I can't stop thinking of silly mannerisms he had and the way he would look at me when he found me ridiculous. Our arguments and enlightening discussions, things I took for granted now swirled around in my head, wishing for an encore.
I needed to focus on my grandfather now, but I still wandered the halls, getting lost, because my mind refused to relent. I finally found his room but I stopped to take a cleansing breath before entering.
I never did like hospitals. From the sounds of the machines to the smell, everything about a hospital room was unwelcoming. The stark white walls and white linens gave no imagination. The worst was the, often, frail patient who stared at daytime talk shows while they waited for dinner to come or blood to be taken.
"Bella." My grandfather said my name in soft surprise.
I sighed and walked forward to see him lying in his bed, looking nearly as pale as the sheets. My grandfather, who was often lively, running around a golf course, now just sat in a bed waiting for the inevitable.
"I came to spring you. I got a car outback that's all gassed up and ready to go." I attempted a joke.
He smiled and relaxed a smidge.
"I'm sorry…for the article. It was never my intention to have you hurt."
I swallowed and looked anywhere but his eyes. I found a seat near his bed and sat down.
"I don't want to talk about Edward Cullen. I…can only hope that I never have to hear or see him again."
"You must hate me…for not telling you. You must think horrible things of me." He tried.
"Lucky for you…I can't hate you because you're family. I think it's like a law or something."
"Oh Bella, you were always able to rise above…even after everything." He replied.
"Great thing about hitting bottom, you have nowhere else to go but up, or so I hear." I looked around and sighed, "So why didn't you tell me?"
He took a breath himself and shook his head slowly. "I had…great expectations. I saw what Edward meant to you even before you could see it yourself and I honestly believed that he could open your eyes."
"No…uh…not why didn't you tell me about Edward Cullen, I meant why didn't you tell me about the cancer? Why didn't you take the chemo…it could have given you more time." I asked.
"I don't want any more time…I feel that I have had enough time. I'm ready to be with your grandmother."
"But what about me? What about the time that I wanted…with you?" I pleaded.
"Oh honey, please don't cry…these past few months you have given me so much happiness…if you cry then I might feel guilty, and that's a horrible thing to do to a man who's on his death bed."
I huffed and quickly wiped the tears away.
"So now I'm just supposed to sit around and hold your hand until you croak? You make a huge mess of my life and I'm just supposed to stay here and fix it while you go riding off into the sunset?"
He didn't reply so I sat there stewing for a moment. "So…why didn't you tell me?"
Now, I was ready to hear about…him.
"I love you, Bella but you were never really in this world…I think because you have been hurt and neglected, ever since your mother passed when you were just a young girl. I thought Edward could show you what was really important in life."
"Show me that there are people who are poor…"
"Show you that there was more to life than being alone." He retorted.
I sat back in my chair, unable to respond. I wanted to be angry, but how could I be when he was here moments before dying.
"You practically threw me to the wolves and you're partly to blame for all the reasons my father hates me right now?" I finally tried again.
"Your father is an idiot. A gigantic sized idiot." Grandfather laughed.
"You know that's your son you're talking about."
"Don't I know it, and that gigantic sized idiot should be here any moment to learn what a true idiot he has been all these years."
I quickly stood up, "What do you mean?"
I frantically looked around like my father was Lord Voldemort and at any moment he would appear into this very room.
"He...hates me. Why would you invite him here? I don't even think he likes you all that much." I replied rushed.
"Oh sit down. You need to stop fearing the man. He is the reason you are always in so much fear. Can't go to college. Can't have a relationship with a single man. Can't find a dream."
"Yeah…because he wouldn't give me money. I can't exactly go to college for free." I defended.
"Don't give me that bull shit. People do it every day. They go to college on scholarships, they work jobs, or they get student loans. If you really wanted to make something of yourself then your father wouldn't be able to stop you, no matter what. You were just being lazy."
That stopped me from any more rebuttals. I slide back down to the chair, hating how right he was. I could have gone to college. I didn't need my father's money or blessings. I could have been someone. My whole life could have turned out differently and instead of sitting here upset at my father's latest rejection and the subject to a very damaging article, I could have been someone. Anything would have been better than this, I imagine.
While I was pondering my life's path, my father walked in with Michael in tow. He was still wearing the same suit from this morning and looking very stern. Michael gave me a shrug, like he wasn't sure why they were both there.
"So what is the meaning of all this?" My father asked, not even looking in my direction. "You wanted me down here, so what is it, father?"
"Well if I had known that dying was the way to get you to pay me a visit then I should have left this world sooner." Grandfather replied.
My father didn't say anything in return.
"All right…there is something I want to say before you decide to walk out that door and be done with me." Grandfather started. "I want to apologize. I want to apologize to you Charles and to both of you Michael and Isabella."
Well he definitely had Michael's and my curiosities peaked.
"I was a horrible father. If I had spent more time with you, Charles, then maybe you would have been a better father yourself. I put all my focus into a company that never brought me happiness. I wasted the best years of my life struggling to make something out of myself because I believed I was doing the right thing, but now that I am near to my end, I am able to tell you, Charles, that wasting your life away in Swan Enterprises is not worth it. You are not a happy individual. You are no better for all the work I put in. And I'm sorry that you wasted the best part of your life, instead of spending it with your children, and I'm afraid it won't be until you are where I am that you see that."
I waited for any sign of encouragement or some magical force to change my father's gruff, look but none came. It was like he wasn't even listening to his own dying father. I think my grandfather was disappointed that he did not receive even a smidge of attention from his son.
"I have decided upon years of reflection that the best decision I can make for the future of Swan Enterprises… is to leave it…not to you, Charles, but I have hopes in the future Isabella can provide for my company."
"You can't do that." My father swiftly negated.
"Yes, I can. You see while you were so instrumental in pushing me out fifteen years ago, you forgot to have me sign my shares over to you. You focused so much energy in proving that you would succeed me that you didn't even have rights to the company. All of the shares are still in my name and I own a controlling fifty-one percent of Swan Enterprises, which will be signed over to Isabella upon my demise."
Finally, a falter in my father's face, but I couldn't even focus on that. Did he just say he was signing over his company to me?
"Uh…" I managed.
"I'll have you legally declared incapable of making your own decisions." My father spit.
"I thought you might say something like that so a couple of years back when I was already thinking of the future, I had my will drawn up, and I had three different distinguished doctors sign off on my competence. My lawyer will, of course, provide your lawyers with documentation."
"Um…" I tried again.
"Yes, Isabella." My grandfather looked to me.
I was just about to ask him if he was in fact insane when my father lashed out.
"You want to ruin your company? Why would you ever leave something like this in the hands of Isabella? You daft fool! She's not even a real Swan for god sakes. She will never be successful with Swan Enterprises, and you wish to see all my hard work flushed down the toilet because you suddenly grew a conscience. I don't think so, father. I will find a way to ruin you."
The room went silent. I think even the machines faltered in that second. I looked over to my father, my chest rising and falling, but my mouth slightly ajar.
"What?" I whispered. "What…do you mean I'm not a real Swan?"
I trembled, waiting for a response, and I started to look around at everyone in the room and once again, for the second time in two days, the room knew a secret that I had not figured out.
My father sighed harshly, "You mother had an affair…she told me before she died and she made me promise her to raise you like you were my own…but you're not mine. You never were."
I swallowed harshly and I was thankful that I had remained seated. This was a mighty blow. I tried to keep myself from losing it right there so I just sat there focusing on my breathing and watching as my hands trembled.
"Bella…" My grandfather started.
"You knew she wasn't a Swan so why would you ever choose her? Hell, even Michael would make a better choice on the mind of an idiot." My father interrupted.
"Because, to me she is. She is my granddaughter and I don't care if we don't share the same blood." My grandfather snarled, "That's what you don't get, Charles. You may not have made Isabella but she could have been yours, one hundred percent, if you would have just removed your head out of your ass. She has done everything you ever asked of her. Do you think she would have cared that you were not her biological father if you were at the very least a father to her?"
"I am going to call my lawyer." He started to leave.
I say he because I didn't even know what to call him anymore.
"You are such a disappointment, Charles. You wasted your life looking down in the cracks for pennies, when all you had to do was look up and see that you had everything. I fear that the future and thereafter does not bode well for you."
I don't think my heart could take any more of this day. Hell, my brain surly was fried so I just sat there in that sad hospital chair, hoping the world would just pass me by.
"Do you think I should get her something?" I heard Michael ask.
"Why don't you…just give her some time, Michael. I think that now it's time for Bella to take a moment of silence and peace." My grandfather replied.
I know Michael left and, except for the occasional nurse who came in, there was nothing said or no attempts made from grandfather while he waited for me to comprehend.
My father…Charles was never my real father. Should I feel better knowing that this was the reason he never related to me, or was it worse as my memories began to show me every half-hearted hug, a twitch of a lip when there should have been a smile. Never a motivating word and yet, I look at Michael, who I believe is Charles's son one hundred percent, and he didn't treat him any differently.
"Was anyone ever going to tell me?" I asked finally.
"I'm not sure if that was something your father wanted known and I'm not sure what your mother's wishes were." Grandfather replied.
"Do you…know…who my real father is?"
"No…and I don't believe Charles does either. It was…a really hard time for him…when your mother died."
"I don't understand why you would…think I would be any good at taking over your company. I don't know the first thing about business or investments…I don't even have a college degree. I'm not a very smart choice, grandfather." I worried.
"Do you want to run Swan Enterprises?"
I didn't know how to answer that without hurting his feelings.
"No." I whispered.
"Then sell it." He replied like we were talking about selling a car.
"It's your life's work…your name…I can't just sell it." I stuttered.
"Of course you can." He stated, "Bella, what do you want? I want you to really think hard. You can sell this company and have enough money for ten lifetimes. You could go to school. You could travel around the world. You can do anything or be anything in the world. What do you really want in life, Bella?"
I sat there, staring at his eager face, thinking of a future I had put on the back-burner so many years ago and suddenly, I didn't want that future. I didn't want to be rich and successful. I didn't want to live in a big house and have my own servants and travel to France for Christmas and the Hamptons in the summer. Now, I wanted something else.
"I want to be happy." I closed my eyes, almost believing that it was possible and knowing what my grandfather was going to say next.
I heard him sigh, "I'm afraid…that happiness is one of the only things you won't be able to buy with this money."
I finally let out the sob I had been holding.
"I'm never going to be happy, am I?"
"That's up to you, sweetheart. You can be anything you want to be but…it could come at a price. Your pride and stubbornness."
I gave him a confused look, not really understanding what he was trying to say to me.
"If you would…like the advice of someone who has lived a full and challenging life…" He paused, "Bella, you are in complete and total power. You have the ability to give one of the greatest things that a person can give to another human being. The gift of forgiveness."
I stiffened, knowing where he was going, and I'm sure my face wasn't pleasant.
"You will never be happy until you can be free from the pain and the only way that will ever happen is if you suck all the poison out and forgive. Forgiveness…is…divine and one the best things we can give to another person. Love….hope…trust…"
"You want me to forgive Edward Cullen. Even after everything he said…everything he did to me. He hurt me…in more ways than even I believe you know of. How am I just supposed to forgive him and just go on with my life?"
"Because the pain you feel will never go until you do. To live with this pain and animosity, that I know you feel, will never allow you to find happiness. Even if you were to try to move on with your life, you will spend the rest of it thinking of Edward and hating yourself for doing so. You will never be able to move on with your life until you forgive, and you can lie to yourself all you want but I know. I know what it is to live with pain and animosity and, until you can forgive, you will never be happy."
This wasn't something I wanted to hear right now. I had enough on my plate without thinking about forgiveness or Edward Cullen. I had a company which needed to be figured out. I had a…father that was truly no longer a father to me and then, most of all, I only had a few short days left with the only person I ever respected.
Grandfather didn't say anymore on Edward Cullen or the topic of forgiveness after that. In those last days grandfather spoke to me about my mother and my grandmother until it became too painful for him to speak anymore. I didn't want to travel home in fear that the moment I left, he would be gone so I stayed at the hospital while Michael was kind enough to bring me a change of clothes.
I spent my time reading to him until, finally, he was no more. I knew he would be happy now, being reunited with his love, but I was still here; heartbroken because, now, I felt more alone than ever.
My heart hurt for the death of my grandfather. I sat by in his hospital room, while I watched the nurses unplug all their devices, reliving all my memories I had with him. However, I could still feel my heart hurt for the loss of another, as I couldn't help Edward Cullen from invading my mind.
Forgiveness.
How was I ever going to be able to truly forgive Edward? I wasn't strong enough to offer him that when I knew that saying the words wouldn't make it true. I didn't want to just tell Edward I forgave him unless I really forgave him. It wouldn't count and grandfather was right, this was something I couldn't lie to myself about.
My grandfather died. I inherited a company. I had no father. And all of this happened in less than seventy-two hours. Almost sounded like something you'd read in the paper, I thought bitterly.
Forgiveness, Bella. Forgiveness.
This could take some time.
AN: a couple of quick shot outs. First to my wonderful beta, Robstenvampgirl for all of her support and work she puts in. She is great to work with!
Also I wanted to thank TWCS for featuring this story as well as FicSisters Ihoff on Facebook. Another happy praise to Fallingsnow Winter for her amazing banner she made this story. You can check it out on my facebook page under Ashley Victoria.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all the amazing people who have helped push this story along. I want to thank everyone for they're amazing comments and passion they have for these characters. I will really miss writing for them. I'm not sure how many chapters are left but I would venture with possibly two more.
Thank you again for taking the time to read! Thank you for taking the time to review!