Chapter 15 - Hurricane

The light cracked through Beca's small, yet comfortable apartment. She began to stir once the whole room was illuminated. She arched her back and stretched out, only to realize Chloe was gone.

And then it started to hit Beca that Chloe wasn't there anymore and she didn't know if she was coming back. It was like déjà vu.

The brunette sat up and set her head in her hands, she sighed and looked around, only to see it was ten am on a Monday. Her eyes met the small, brown coffee table. She scanned it for an unknown reason before realizing there was a folded piece of binder paper. She picked it up hesitantly and unfolded it, her eyes widened when she saw the length of this said note.

'Hey, you. So, just hear me out, okay? I said you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I meant it, and I know that you meant it, too. And you said you promised we would never end, and we won't. I know I said that we're over, and I made a stupid, irrational decision. I really need some time to think about all that's happened and all the mistakes I've made. Aubrey picked me up, and she's going to be picking me up and dropping me off after work from now on. I think it's best if we just try to take some time away from one another. I really need to get my self under control before I see you again, because believe me, I know how badly I over reacted. You're sleeping right next to me as I'm sitting up trying my hardest to not sound like an asshole while I write this. You look so distressed and your face is tense. You are so damn beautiful in every single way possible and I can't take the fact that you're distressed because of me. In my heart I know you love me, I know that everything you've said is true. I know that the kiss meant nothing and I know your words meant everything. I don't want to be one of those people who blame their depression or anxiety, or whatever they may have on their actions, but I'm sorry, because that's what happened. I got upset, and I made a bad call. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. And you were so sweet to let me stay even after I basically broke everything off. I need help and I need time. Please, just give me that. I know I'm asking for a lot, and I know you've been so patient and understanding with me, but I need to get help. I'm going to see about therapy, and whatever else may help me because I'm done with myself, and I'm done with hurting you. Because even though I said you hurt me, I'm the one who has been hurting you for the longest time. When I'm ready, I'll contact you. I love you, and I'll see you another day, another time when I'm still not so fucked up.'

Beca stared at the words, over and over. Becoming hyper aware of the paper she folded the sides; bringing them in and then out. She read the words and could feel how embarrassed Chloe was. How distraught she felt. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you need professional help. Her eyes prickled with small tears as she read the last line until her vision became blurry.

Beca analyzed the last sentence. 'I love you, and I'll see you when I'm not still so fucked up.' She sat and sat reading the note over until she couldn't take it anymore. She eventually set the piece of paper down. Beca had this gut feeling that she shouldn't let Chloe go through all her problems by herself. For a moment, yeah, she thought she was being a complete idiot for letting go of just how terrible Chloe was acting yesterday. Because, really? Chloe was being stupid, but Beca was being just as stupid. Then she took in the problems. And the seriousness in Chloe's illnesses, and figured that she does have a problem, and just because she's a hurricane waiting happen, doesn't mean Beca can't face it head on.

Two days go by with no word from Chloe. Beca figured that this is the needing time coming into play. Instead of hounding her, she hounded Aubrey. Beca called the blonde to ask all about Chloe. She asked Aubrey to look out for her. She explained everything that happened, assuming Chloe didn't. Which she was right.

Aubrey made sure Chloe took her medicine, she made sure she ate breakfast and lunch during her break. The blonde made sure that Chloe got to work on time and that she was dressed appropriately. And you may think it's crazy that she is going through so much trouble for Chloe since they have only known each other for such a short amount of time, but Aubrey knew how important Chloe was to Beca. And Aubrey was well aware what mental illness can do to not only you, but the people around you.

Her Father was depressed. Her Mother did everything in her being to help fix him. Eventually it got so bad that he committed suicide when Aubrey was around sixteen. It was the worst thing that had ever happened in her life. It took her a very long, long time to get over the death.

And Aubrey would be dammed if she let one of her best friends go through what she had.

Then two more days pass with Beca getting every single detail of Chloe from Aubrey. From how she was doing, to if she ate, down to if she's taking her medicine. Beca asked if there was any mention of therapy of the sorts. Aubrey just said no, and that she hasn't mentioned it.

Two more days pass by with Beca doing the same old routine of making sure Chloe's taken care of through Aubrey. Nothing changed much in the past six days. She has a rough time with sleep, she gets maybe three to five a night. She goes into work and then out of work. It's like she's back into her old pattern. But this time, it's scary how gloomy everything is. And Beca wondered if that's actually how life was before Chloe came back. Now, it is strange, because even though Chloe is quiet and kept to herself, she lights up Beca's world. It's something Beca can't quiet wrap her head around, but it's something she doesn't want to because then maybe if she gets it, it won't be special anymore.

And then suddenly as Beca was lying in bed after working for nine hours, because of a cut back in staff, a week since she's seen or heard from Chloe; her phone started to ring, breaking her from her deep thoughts. She rummaged for it, seeing it was Chloe. She smiled nervously and took a breath, then picked it up and softly said, "Hey, Chloe."

"Beca."

Beca became stiff as a board when she heard the way Chloe said her name. It was almost as if she was scared to even utter the word. And the nervousness laced through her name made her sigh audibly.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I think I'm having a panic attack."

Beca nodded, then realized Chloe couldn't see.

"Take deep breaths, okay? Sit or lay down somewhere comfortable. Continue to take those deep breaths and close your eyes."

Beca didn't hear any response from Chloe, so after a moment she said, "Is it working?"

"I-I don't know."

"How do you feel?"

"Sick."

"Chloe, why do you think this is happening?"

"I don't know. I'm all alone right now, besides Peanut. And I'm scared because my head hurts, and my heart is beating so fast, plus my stomach is really hurting."

"You'll be okay," Beca began, "Just try to relax and calm yourself. Everything will be okay."

Beca wondered about that night for the next two days. Chloe had never explained anything else to her, after Beca told her everything would be okay, Chloe hung up. Being understandably worried, she called back, but received no answer. Only a simple text that read, 'Thank you.' That she replied with, 'No problem.'

The simplest form of communication became what Beca longed for each day.

Then two more days passed with the same routine. Except today, Beca got a text from Noelle.

'Want to hang out today?'

Beca scoffed, loudly. It was more of an over exaggerated 'ha', but really? She couldn't help it. Noelle hadn't gotten in contact with her since that doomed day. And Beca hadn't really considered calling her out, because she doesn't know how, but this was the perfect opportunity.

Beca walked up to Noelles apartment door and knocked firmly. The door soon opened, revealing Noelle who was wearing a big smile, that Beca could only laugh dryly at.

"You want to come in?"

"No," Beca stated, "all I'm here to do is.. in a twisted way, say thank you."

Noelle laughed, "What?"

"Chloe was there when you came over, and she saw you kiss me. And yes, I never made it clear, but we were dating. Now, I'm not sure what we are, if anything, but I want to say thank you for making her realize that she is sick and that she needs serious help. And, I would like to do something. Could you, uh.." Beca smirked, "Stay still, okay?"

Before Noelle could even comprehend what the hell was happening, Beca had slapped her across the face, and was already walking down the hall with a certain sway to her body.

After her pleasing encounter with Noelle, Beca decided to take a very large and extremely scary leap of faith. She's not sure how she got to the outside of Chloe's apartment, but she's there. Standing. Thinking. Beca knew Chloe made it clear that she would contact her when she was ready, but she was here now and figured she better do something soon or she might look like some crazy stalker just standing outside someone's apartment.

Beca raised her hand and knocked once. She thought about twice, maybe three times, but for some reason she only knocked once. The door opened and Chloe's eyes went wide, "Hey," she said as she crossed her arms.

"Hey," Beca said, "We need to talk."

Chloe nodded, "Yeah, yeah, come in."

Beca walked through the door and was bombarded by Peanut, going on his little hind legs momentarily as he yelped. Beca only laughed as she picked him up, "Maybe the little shit doesn't hate me?"

Chloe went and sat on the couch, "Shouldn't you be at work? It's six-thirty."

Beca shook her head as she walked over with Peanut in her arms and sat down at a respectable distance, "I take Wednesdays off."

"Oh, yeah.. did you read my note?

"I did. I wasn't sure what you meant by needing time, or if you're serious about us. You made it clear that we were over, and then it the note you said we weren't. And it's been a week and I'm worried about you."

Chloe looked down, "I don't know.. everything got so complicated and if we continue this you'll be so weighed down with me, and-"

"I'm willing to do whatever."

Chloe huffed, "I can't ask you to give up your life to take care of mine."

Beca jutted her lips to the side in response, "Well, I don't.. I don't want to lose you."

Chloe nodded, "I don't want to lose you either. And maybe later we can try again. I can get better and it will all work out. I don't know how long it will take. But, I've scheduled to go into trauma therapy. I didn't realize it was that bad until I got tested again. But uh," Chloe took a breath and narrowed her eyes, "apparently I'm worse off than I thought."

"What do you mean?"

Chloe shifted and set her hands on her lap, "I went to the doctor the other day. And this morning I got a call. My," she gulped, "my doctor said I don't have Normal Stress Response of PTSD. Which is what I thought I had, since it's literally spot on. When I first got diagnosed I read all about it, and it made sense. And now I'm learning that's not even what I have. So, I, I don't know. I don't know if that's better or worse that I have Acute Stress Disorder."

"Tell me about it."

Chloe looked up, "What?"

Beca nodded and shifted so she was sitting cross legged on the couch with Peanut chilling on her lap, "I wanna know."

"Uh," she shrugged, "It's basically characterized into six different categories. And I fit into four of them."

"What are they?"

Chloe took a breath, "Basically it's, panic reactions, mental confusion, dissociation, severe insomnia, suspiciousness in people, really it's not trusting anyone and being unable to do daily things. My doctor said a lot of the time people can't handle relationships with people because when something goes wrong, they dissociate themselves from the situation because, well that's apparently the only way the know how to cope."

Beca nodded, "Which ones do you have?"

"Panic reactions, which are the panic attacks that I get when I'm alone, or if I smell smoke. Mental confusion, which in my case has to do with not remembering where am I. But that's not really happened to me, yet. Only in the mornings, sometimes. Dissociation. I don't like being away from people who make me feel comfortable. Like you, I guess. I hate being away from you. And I don't like being around people I don't know. Then there's the not trusting in people, which I'm pretty sure is coming into play with all the Noelle garbage."

"Well, it does make sense. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it does seem like that's pretty spot on."

Chloe nodded, "It does. I know it does."

"When do you go to the therapy?"

"Mondays at two-thirty until four-thirty."

Beca nodded, "I could take you."

Chloe shook her head, "No, you have better things to do."

"Not really."

"Yes, really. Beca, I'm not asking you to-"

"I'm not giving up my life, but I want to help you. Even if we aren't going to be together, I want to help you."

Chloe nodded hesitantly, "When I said that we were over last week, I uh, I really didn't mean it," she began, "I just don't want you to have to worry about me and my feelings."

"I know you think you're a lot to handle, and when she said that, it made you feel bad. But, everything I've said to you is the complete and honest truth," Beca said, "I don't want you to be alone because of this. You have these problems for a reason. And I want to be by your side as you go through this recovery. I want to, Chloe. I don't have to, I know. But, I want to."

Chloe let out a breath, "I'm really scared."

"Of what?"

"Everything. I'm scared that I'll wake up one day and forget where I am. I'm scared that all those things have been happening and I never knew why. And now I know that, it just makes me feel even crazier."

Beca chortled, "You aren't crazy. Just different."

"I feel crazy," she said with a small laugh.

Beca thought for a moment, "Do you trust me?"

"I do now," Chloe looked down, "Can you stay with me tonight?"

Beca half smiled, "Yeah," she said softly.

Unsettling is one way to explain it. Beca stayed due to Chloe's wish, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she didn't belong there. They sat after their little conversation for quite a while in a deafening silence.

"Are you okay?" Beca asked, suddenly.

"I am," Chloe answered.

"You're just being so quite," Beca said, "like.. even more than before."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Beca stated, "I know what we can do to fix this awkwardness."

"What?"

"Do you still feel comfortable around me?"

Chloe nodded.

"Let's cuddle. That's always fun."

Chloe laughed softly, "Uh, okay."

Beca shifted her body so her back was rested against the armrest and her legs were out in front of her, "C'mon," she said as she made a come here hand motion.

Chloe half smiled as she laid down next to her and rested her head in Beca's neck, "I missed you."

Beca ran her fingers down Chloe's arm, "I missed you, too. And I'm glad we're okay," Beca whispered.

A few hours later Beca woke up to the sound and feel of Chloe tightening her fingers around Beca's arm. She was whimpering and her eyebrows were knitted together. Beca knew better than waking people up from a bad dream. So, she continued to let Chloe grab on to her even thought it was painful. Chloe's whimpers began to die down and Beca continued to try and sooth the girl by running her fingertips of her bare arm.

Chloe's eyes fluttered open and she looked as if she was going to burst into tears any moment. She blinked a few times as her breathing visibly sped up. When she looked up at Beca who was staring down at her, she smiled, "You're here," Chloe said, almost like it was a relief.

"Yeah," she said gently, "Are you okay?"

Chloe nodded, "I'm okay. What time is it?"

Beca looked around, it was still pretty dark, so she assumed it wasn't morning yet, "I'm not sure, but go back to sleep, okay? You don't have to get up for a few hours."

"You're going to stay, right?" Chloe asked. Her eyes looked worried, and her grip on Beca's arm tightened.

"Yeah," Beca said, "don't worry."

Chloe laid her head back down, and Beca settled her arm around her waist, Chloe scooted closer, her body becoming pressed to Beca's. And then Beca became hyper aware that Chloe had never held on to her this tightly, and she was honestly confused. The red head was holding on to Beca as if she was going to leave her at any moment, and the thing that stuck out to Beca, was that Chloe was the one wanted time away from her, she was the one who left that morning, not her.

A/N: I promise everything will only get better from here on out!