Chapter 22 - The Set Back

Her chest becoming tighter and tighter, her stomach becoming more and more wishy-washy and the numb feeling that was winning over her limbs was becoming increasingly annoying as she lied on her back, staring up at the white popcorn ceiling.

The dull morning light that was capering over the room elicited a deep sigh from Chloe's lips, knowing that she hadn't slept more than a few hours.

As she turned her head and saw Beca sleeping unknowingly beside her, she couldn't help but let a smile resonate. Taking in a deep, long exhale, she lifted her head, then her torso so she was sitting up. Closing her eyes momentarily as everything began to spin, she took another deep breath before swinging her legs over the bed and gaining composure on her feet.

Making sure she didn't wake Beca, she quietly grabbed an extra throw blanket and wrapped it around her body. She creaked the door open, wincing at the small racket she created, then letting out a relieved breath as she succeeded in quietly shutting the door.

Chloe walked downstairs and into the kitchen to make some coffee. As she was pouring the water into the pot, she heard someone stumbling into the kitchen. Not bothering to turn around, she continued to pour.

"Why are you up so early?"

Upon hearing Beca's hoarse voice that was full of sleep, she smiled. The rough sound and inflections Beca had in the morning made her feel warm inside. Her sleepy voice always sounded as if she was slightly dazed and confused. As she spooned the ground coffee beans out of the container and felt Beca's arms slip around her blanket covered waist, she quietly said, "Couldn't sleep."

Beca nodded and rested her chin on Chloe's shoulder the best she could. Not being able to quite reach it in a comfortable manner, she kissed her shoulder instead, "Your stomach?"

The redhead sighed as she closed the lid of the coffee pot. She turned around, gripping the blanket so it wouldn't fall. Then let it cover both her and Beca. She melted into the embrace, letting her arms wrap around the brunettes small shoulders, "Something like that."

Beca made small, crescent moon shapes on the patch of Chloe's bare hips. Giving her a small smile and gentle peck, she said, "How do you manage to look like this every morning?"

Chloe blushed. She clasped her hands together behind Beca's neck and leaned back, squinting her eyes slightly, "I think you need glasses."

"No, you're just slightly blurry," Beca smirked, her eyes still slightly glossy due to the sleep coma still prevailing.

Chloe shook her head playfully. Just then she saw her mom walking into the kitchen with a wide smile as she eyed the two.

"We are meeting Adam, Olivia and Clare for breakfast in two hours."

They nodded and Beca weakly slipped out from Chloe's embrace as Chloe went to pour them coffee.

After they all went out for a meal, it was about three when Chloe and Beca decided to head back home. They all said their goodbyes and Clare was exceptionally sad that the two had to leave so soon, but they promised they would come visit again. Chloe felt happy. She had really missed her family, and to see them after so long was amazing. She would definitely try and visit them more often.

With a jolt, her body was suddenly awake, she sprung up and quickly looked around her room. She felt a thin layer of sweat on her aching forehead and a weird, sticky residue that was left over. Her chest rose quickly and her eyes kept going in and out of focus. Suddenly, a hand was on her leg and she felt her whole body begin to tingle.

"Are you okay?"

It was dark. The room was barely lit. The only light being the dull, iridescent crack of the moon. This 'are you okay' was usually comforting from Beca. Because one, it helps to know that Chloe isn't alone. And two, Beca's soothing voice tends to make Chloe's nerves calm.

At the moment, she doesn't know why it is not.

At the moment, she doesn't know why she can't breathe.

At the moment, she doesn't know why nothing makes sense.

It was like she became numb. Numb to the feel of Beca's hands on her. Her voice became paralyzed when she tried to answer. Her mouth opened to reply, that no she wasn't okay. But nothing was coming out. The words she was trying to say were running through her head, but in more of a roaring sound; like a jet was flying over her. She knew the words that needed to be said, but trying to comprehend them was not an option.

Her head became light as she laid back down, trying to catch her breath, but the pulsing became heavy as she closed her eyes to try and recover from whatever was going on. At one point she felt Beca try and sit her up, instead of laying down. It only made her chest feel tighter. Her arms felt heavy as she tried to lift them to push Beca's caring hands away, they were like a dead weight. As soon as they were lifted, they flopped back down before anything could be done.

Beca continued to try and sit Chloe up right, thinking maybe that would help her. It only increased the feeling of tightness that was now moving into her throat. The pain was starting to increase, but Chloe's voice was caught in her throat, making her unable to tell Beca to stop her actions. Each moment that passed by, Chloe could feel herself losing her breath.

Beca kept asking if she was okay, but Chloe couldn't answer. Her chest was tightening as time passed, causing the repercussions of her breathing to become hoarse and labored. Her hands felt tingly and clammy as her legs felt like jelly. She couldn't feel her body being on the bed, but she knew she was sitting up, with Beca's body next to hers. Her eyes fluctuated from open to closed time after time. Her vision was blurry and each time she closed them she saw spots. Yellow going from red, darting around to green and then the cycle would start again.

After taking shallow breaths, as she gasped for air she managed to croak out a few whimpers, that turned into tears welling up in her closed eyes due to the confusion and fear of not knowing what was happening. She had never experienced a panic attack anything like this. All at once she felt her body jolt and shake with shivers. Her cries became unwillingly loud and she couldn't control her self as everything became dark behind her opening and closing eyes. No more jolts of color. It was pure black.

"What the hell?" Was the first thing that she managed to blurt. Her breathing started to speed up, and her unknowing cries only escalated. Her body sunk into the blankets and she took shaky, drawn out breaths. She tensed her whole body as she looked up at the ceiling, blinking.

"I-I, you-I-" Chloe stammered, her breathing staying labored. Words couldn't be formed, thoughts were jumbled and everything was perplexed. Chloe started to wheeze as she laid on her back. Not knowing what else to do, and feeling her burning skin against her clothing, she knew she had to take some of it off. With Beca trying to calmly sit next to her, she shot up again and ripped her shirt and shorts off, leaving her in nothing but a sports bra and underwear. As she stood beside her bed, she leaned her torso over and set her hands on the mattress.

"I can't-" she wheezed and exhaled, closing her eyes, she coughed a few times, "breathe. Breathe, I can't."

"Just try, Chlo. Okay? Keep trying. You'll be okay."

Chloe nodded as she tried her best to breathe. It started to become easier, and once she felt the air flow, she laid back down slowly and curled into Beca's body, "Are you okay?" Feeling Beca's arms secure around her, she let out a small whimper, "Just please hold me and don't let go," Beca sat up momentarily, only to grab the blankets pooling at the end of the bed to cover the two. Once she secured the warmth she hooked her arms around Chloe and held her as tightly as she could without hurting her. She cradled Chloe for quite some time, casually running her fingers over her bare back, letting them linger time to time. Chloe's crying stopped totally. Her wet, puffy face being buried into Beca's neck and chest. As her breathing was not totally back to normal, but did dwindle down, Beca pulled back slightly, trying catch a glimpse of the redheads face. Chloe's eyes opened and Beca saw how blotchy they became. The cerulean eyes she knows so well were in so much pain and she had no clue why.

"I'm so sorry," Chloe breathed out as they became face to face.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Beca reassured with a whisper. She cupped Chloe's cheek and wiped her hot, wet tears as they began to fall again.

"I don't know what happened," Chloe voiced shakily, "I just woke up and-and I couldn't breathe. Everything hurt."

Beca nodded as she continued to try and sooth her. Chloe let out more shaky breaths, closing her eyes she said, "Can you just keep holding me?" The brunette said no words, letting the redhead fold her arms into herself and becoming a little ball, she wrapped her arms around her again. After a while, when Chloe's breathing did not slow down and when she was still shaking against Beca's body, she began to get worried. Why was Chloe freaking out so badly? What's causing this? She had no clue and it was deeply worrying her.

"Chloe," Beca said soothingly, she tried to back away so she could find out what was happening, but Chloe started to breath heavier, "don't go," she cried, tightening her arms around the brunette.

"Hey," she pacified as gently as possible, "I'm not. It's okay."

Chloe took shallow breaths as she squeezed her eyes tighter and tighter, holding on to Beca for what seemed like dear life. Beca stayed put, letting Chloe hold on to her. Light peaked in from the windows and Peanut began shuffling, trying to jump up on Chloe's bed.

"I don't know what to do," Chloe spoke, "make it stop," Beca was unsure of what Chloe meant, but with Peanuts yelps, she knew she wouldn't be able to, "I'm going to put Peanut outside of the room, okay?"

"Come right back."

"I will, just hold on," Beca reassured. She stood and quickly scooped him up in her arms and plopped him outside the door, telling him to 'stay.' She walked back in and sat back down on her side of the bed. As Chloe sat up with her, she hunched her body over and crossed her arms, "I feel like-like I can't breathe."

"Sit up straight," Beca said gently. Chloe did so, but winced and shut her eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"My chest hurts. I seriously- I can't breathe."

"Just keep trying, okay?"

Chloe nodded with her eyes closed, she kept inhaling, then exhaling. As she repeated the process, her chest "loosened" and she could feel herself being able to breathe again, but her throat still felt slightly tight.

"Any better?"

"A little," Chloe squeezed her eyes shut and tried to take the deepest breaths she could. As she did, her throat did what her chest had and felt like it was opening up. Once she could breathe in totally, she laid back down and opened her eyes.

Beca followed Chloe's path and laid down. She propped herself on her hand as she turned to face the redhead, "Try and go back to sleep."

Chloe quickly shook her head, "No-no. I can't."

"It's six in the morning."

"I'll just," she paused, gulping as she thought about her answer, "I'll get up and feed Peanut. Uh, I can take him for a walk or something."

"Are you sure?"

"Y-yeah," Chloe breathed out shakily, she turned her body so she was mirroring Beca's, "I'll be okay."

Beca nodded. She let her spare hand brush the hair out of Chloe's face, then placed it on her back gently. The redhead closed her eyes momentarily due to the need for sleep still prevailing. As she did so, Beca scooted closer and kissed her forehead. Absently, Chloe started to slowly fall asleep since Beca began to softly rub her back. As Chloe felt herself slipping into unconsciousness, she fought to open her heavy eyes. Once the task was done, she rolled on to her back and sat up.

"Chloe, go to sleep."

"I don't want to."

"You need sleep."

"I'm okay."

Chloe stood and ran a hand through her hair before she tapped her bottom lip with her pointer and middle fingers, "I'm going to take a shower, feed Peanut and make some food."

Beca nodded, knowing that trying to convince Chloe otherwise was no use. The girl got dressed quickly. As she watched Chloe stumble out the door she heavily sighed, still wondering what had just happened.

"Hyperventilation Syndrome."

"Wha-what?"

"Your problem is linked to lack of oxygen. Hyperventilation Syndrome is another disorder that has been linked to causing and contributing to panic attacks. In fact, some believe that panic attacks cause hyperventilation syndrome to turn into its own separate condition. A condition that eventually triggers panic attacks. But in your case, and since you've been having these attacks for a while now, I'm making the educated guess that at night, your mind doesn't turn the switch of worry off, which only contributes to being able to still panic while you sleep. Thus, explaining the harsh breathing your body is doing, causing the result of the hyperventilation, throwing you into the panic attack."

"What?" Chloe said this time with wide eyes, "how-how do you know? It only happened once. What if it never happens again?"

"Well, then that is great. But, I'm furthermore diagnosing it as Hyperventilation Syndrome."

"But... it only happened one."

"It has to start somewhere."

Chloe nodded as she casted her eyes elsewhere. Every thought she could manage came rushing through her mind. It was a roaring of his voice, replaying the words over and over again. Her eyes started to fill with small tears that threatened to drip, but stayed put. She kept her head hung low and hands clasped on her lap.

"Do you need a moment?"

Chloe shook her head as the voice became a mere buzz, so he began speaking again. Eventually when he told her more information about the case; how to deal with it and the ways to decrease the attacks, he stated he would explain the three phases she has to go through for recovering furthermore.

"The first phase would have to be, re-establishing safety and stabilization. Similar to what you do at the scene of an accident or a fire with people who are physically injured. They must be moved to a safer place, physically, so that they can feel safe again, but first their injuries must be stabilized so they can be moved. With traumatic stress the same principle holds true, before working on or talking about what happened, people need to feel in control again. Talking about what happened before the person is safe and stable, or in control as you may say, can be re-traumatizing and can lead to people dropping out of therapy."

Seeing Chloe was not contributing, he jotted down a few notes as he observed her. It was clear to him that the hyperventilation syndrome diagnosis was going to be a set back in this recovery.

"The second phase is, de-sensitizing and processing the traumatic memories. This is where talking about what happened is more a part of the treatment. This allows for resolution; the memories become regular memories, not traumatic ones. You can speak about them with me, or someone who you trust. You have to speak truthfully, and be completely honest about your feelings and what has happened."

"The third and final phase is, reconnecting with family and friends and re-establishing the capacity to enjoy your lives and have fun again. At this point, the trauma should of become only part of your life, it's still there, but it's not all of you life."

"Beca?"

The brunette took her attention off the chicken roast she was quietly observing. After Chloe's session, the two walked back to Beca's and she decided she would attempt to cook them something besides pasta.

"What's up?" Beca said as she turned around. Seeing Chloe sat at the small table in the tiny kitchen they occupied, she took in the disheveled look in the redhead eyes, slumped posture and worry lines creased in her forehead. Chloe had not spoken about last night once. The redhead sat, blankly staring at the floor for most of the day that wasn't spent at therapy.

"I don't think I'm going to get better."

Beca slightly frowned, she glanced at the timer on the oven and noticed it had quite awhile until it needed to be taken out. She walked over to the table and sat down with Chloe. She set her hand on top of Chloe's and ran her thumb over the knuckles soothingly, "What do you mean?"

"Well, um-uh," Chloe took a shaky breath, "I just, I don't think I'm getting better," she lightly pursed her lips as her eyes started to tear for what felt like the hundredth time today, "what happened last night, my therapist said it's called Hyperventilation Syndrome."

Beca nodded, "What's that?" she carefully asked.

"He said it has to do with panic attacks and-and I guess it's because I'm not getting enough air. I-I don't really understand it," Chloe sniffled, but it was no use. She started to heavily cry. It was too hard to keep it in. The newfound information was digging into her brain and it wouldn't back down. The overwhelming urge to cry broke through and she squeezed her eyes shut as she covered her mouth with her spare hand.

Beca's face softened and her shoulders slumped. Seeing Chloe cry always made her feel terrible, and she felt equally as terrible that she wasn't as good as comforter as she needed to be. She stood and bent down so she could hug the broken redhead. As soon as Beca's body came into contact with Chloe's, the redhead clung onto her.

"Don't leave me. Please, please don't go."

"Hey, of course I'm not going to leave you."

"It's just," she paused as she sobbed into Beca's body, "everything is so hard. And I'm trying so hard, but nothing is working. I feel," Chloe started to sob slightly harder, causing her to lose track of her words, "like-like ee-vrything is-is, I feel like shit."

Beca rubbed Chloe's back soothingly, up and down over and over again, letting her cry and get all the pain she was feeling out. Chloe pulled back and wiped her eyes. She huffed and slumped her body over as she felt Beca's fingers running over her wet cheeks, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Beca. I don't know why this is happening. I mean, I felt like I was doing well. Really well. And-and, God. I fucking hate this. I hate them. I hate myself."

Beca kissed Chloe's tear stained cheeks gently as she rubbed the wet spots away soothingly, "I love you. You will get through this. I know you will. You're Chloe. The girl who forced me to be friends with her. The girl who got straight A's her first year of college because she worked her ass off day and night. The girl who I know will get through all of this, because you're you. And you, Chloe Beale, are the strongest person I know."

Chloe started crying again. She really couldn't help it. Her eyes were burning with tears and she puffed out a few breaths before she nodded, hoping that the words Beca spoke were true, because with each passing second, she was feeling less and less like this supposedly strong Chloe Beale.

A/N: Please let me know what you think. Thanks!