chapter 17

House was in the plane to Chicago. He felt good. He would have time to go to his hotel to put his luggage before his appointment with the DHR. He hoped this young man would have kept his promise not to talk about him with Cuddy. House had a plan for the evening but Cuddy shouldn't know he was there. House was both excited and happy to start a new life, but at the same time a touch of anxiety was bugging him. He knew Cuddy missed him, he felt the other night that she needed him in her life, like he needed her in his life, but that wouldn't mean that she and he could work. It hadn't in the past. Of course the situation was different. It was "something new" for both of them. They jumped in this relationship after this crane accident, after the tragic end of this woman. House was confused at that time, his world collapsed just like the crane: he'd done everything what his therapist said to be happy, he tried to change – and indeed he changed – but Cuddy was about to marry Lucas, one of his "friends" and to let him down, definitely. At least that was how he felt. And she was a big part of his life; he couldn't admit to lose her. As for Cuddy, she was touched by what he said to this poor woman, she knew deep inside her that she wouldn't be with Lucas as happy as she hoped to be if she was with him, House. He knew she loved him. And she proved him her love: she dumped Lucas after having accepted to marry him. But all this was too impulsive. Their feelings for each other were too strong, they contained them since too long, and they had to be brought to light. But not in that way. He remembered the first time he saw her, she caught his attention. She was "special". Of course she was sexy and lots of his fellows liked her, but it was something else that appealed him, something in her eyes and in her smile. Although the expression "love at first sight" sounded cliché it fitted their feelings very well. But he wasn't able to explain why he felt so attracted to her. Then she attended some classes with him and little by little they got to know each other. And there was the party where everything turned. Something happened which would follow him all his life. Something different because his relationship with Cuddy was different from all the other relationships he had. Cuddy was his soul mate. He already knew it at that time. When he was fired and had to leave the University he thought he had to forget her and to move on. After all he was still young and could find someone else. Indeed he almost succeeded. He met Stacy, fell in love with her and had the problem with his leg. And his life changed dramatically. It was perhaps at this time that he began to think he had no right to be happy. He had to concentrate on the medicine, on medical puzzles; he had to use his skills to save lives. How many times he tried to figure out what mistake he made to deserve such a life! How many times he racked his brains to find a rational explanation! What horrible things had he done so that he didn't have the right to be happy? Wilson tried many times over to convince him that he was wrong, that he only wallowed in self-pity instead of moving on. Wilson often reproached him for "overprotecting himself" just to avoid pain. But who liked to be hurt? Cuddy reproached him too for refusing to open his heart and his soul to other people. It was fear that led him to build walls around him, to build a real armor so nothing could ever hurt him anymore. But doing that he cut himself off from other people, he withdrew into himself and became hart, bitter, cynical, miserable. He wouldn't be hurt but he wouldn't be happy. He couldn't be happy. It was the flipside of the coin. And he accepted it. Until his banter, his flirting with Cuddy, the way they dealt with each other over time revived some feelings deep in his heart. Feelings he thought he had definitely forgotten: jealousy, joy, happiness and… love. But he wasn't very good for relationship with other people. The role of misanthropist he played since so many years didn't help. And it was something terrifying to have a relationship with someone you loved when you were so long alone in your own fortress. And he was terrified to lose Cuddy, to lose the happiness he felt since they were dating. Then he tried to convince himself – and succeeded - that it wouldn't last, that it couldn't last because he had no right to be happy, because he would screw up, necessarily. Besides Sam broke up with Wilson and House couldn't admit that he was happy and Wilson not. Once again this feeling of guilt overwhelmed him and everything went wrong. But now House knew it wouldn't be the same. He worked on himself with the help of a therapist. He didn't tell anyone about it, only Wilson knew it. Wilson… his best friend. He missed him. When House got out of prison, he was first very surprised then disappointed to learn that Cuddy wasn't there anymore. He felt somehow betrayed. Until then Cuddy never went away because he did horrible things to her, she was angry, sometimes disappointed and bitter, but she never went away. She stayed with him and "forgave" him. When he got out of Mayfield, she came to his place to know what he was going to do, how he felt, and she wanted to know what she meant to him, which role she had in his life. She needed to know that she still had a place in his life. But at this time he refused to admit that he loved her. A few months later he accepted it but it was too late, she dated Lucas. And House was determined to break this romance. But he failed. At least that was what he thought when she yelled at him on the construction site and told him she was getting married. And then she listened to him when he convinced this woman to let him cut her leg. Cuddy decided to dump Lucas because House moved her. She always gave him a second chance. But not the last time. He went too far and she couldn't forgive him. He remembered the shock it gave him when Foreman told him she was gone. He couldn't believe it: she let him down, she abandoned him. His world crumbled and he knew he had to do something to change. Fortunately Wilson was still there. Of course he was mad with House because of his wrist, because of this stupid thing House made, but he finally forgave him. Thanks to Wilson House could get his former life back. But Cuddy wasn't there and House suffered from her absence. He tried to convince himself that he didn't need her, that he was better alone so nobody could hurt him and he wouldn't feel pain. But it wasn't true. Domenica was a good diversion but she went away too because of House's trick to keep her by his side. And once again House felt hurt. Wilson convinced him then to go into therapy. First of all House refused using as an excuse for it that it didn't work very well the last time he did it. Then Wilson managed to convince him to try again if House was really determined to change. After several weeks of hesitation and procrastination House decided to make a new try with therapy. It wasn't easy. But Cuddy was a good goal and House wanted to reach it. Then Wilson told House about his cancer. House first denied it but there was nothing to deny, Wilson was ill and the issue was death. Wilson needed someone by his side while leaving his last months and House decided to be there for his friend. This time he would assume the pain of losing someone he liked. This time he wouldn't be weak, he would be strong enough to help his friend even if he had to feel pain. And he did it. Somehow it changed him; it showed him that he could be someone people could rely on. And it gave him hope for the future. Now he had to convince Cuddy that he had changed, that she could rely on him, that he would be there no matter what happened. He would be there for her and for Rachel. But he first had to get the job. When the pilot announced they began the descent to Chicago, House felt confident.

Ooooooooooo

Cuddy didn't sleep well and she was tired when she came in her office. The day would be long and she felt worn out. She didn't know why but she had a kind of intuition that this day would be somehow "special". She just hoped it would be in a positive way. She had just sat when someone knocked on her door.

"Come in!"

"Good Morning, Dr. Cuddy."

Cuddy stood up. The man who came in was Mr. Barrow, the head of the management committee of the hospital. "Good morning, Mr. Barrow. Is there a problem?"

"No, no, everything's fine. I just wanted to speak with you about a new project for the hospital."

"Please, have a seat."

"Thank you. Dr. Cuddy, you do know that the benefits of the hospital increased slightly over the past six months and the stockholder begin to worry about it."

"I know but… when I suggested you to renegotiate the insurance contract the committee turned it down" Cuddy replied annoyed.

"We won't discuss this now, Dr. Cuddy. We have a suggestion and we need you to realize the project."

"Oh, you need me. May I know why?" Cuddy replied sarcastically.

"We want to set up a diagnostic department. As you already worked with such a department in Princeton Plainsboro we need your skills to help us set up this new department. What do you think of it?" he asked staring at Cuddy.

The first thing she thought about was House. He would be perfect for this job even if his methods were unconventional. He was the most brilliant Doctor she'd ever known. Medical puzzles were his specialty and he looked for a new job. And she needed him here. There was just a problem: the committee warned her "no House here". His name was on their blacklist. How could she convince them to give him a chance?

"Mr. Barrow, it's not easy to run a department like this. It requires someone brilliant and charismatic, someone who's not afraid to put one's head on the block, someone who is prepared to assume his actions and to impose his hypothesis as incredible as they may seem." She made a pause waiting for Barrow to react but he listened carefully to her and she went on: "And this person will need a team to work with. And"

"You see why we need your experience! You know how such a department works; you know what needs to be done to have an excellent diagnostic department. I'm glad we agree about this project. Can you write a memo with all you consider necessary for the implementation of this department? Thank you. I know we can rely on you, Dr. Cuddy. I have to go now. I'm waiting for this memo. Tomorrow would be great." And he left.

Cuddy didn't have time to object that she couldn't write such a memo today. Mr. Barrow would have to wait. She had too much work. Without taking into account the Gala. And she needed time to find good arguments to convince them that House was the man for the job. On the other hand it would be better to write it today so she could go over other eventual candidates' head. Some papers would have to wait. House was her priority. And she knew what qualities she would consider necessary for this job. Only House would match the job. Smiling she began to write this memo.