Alison is A.

Mona is dead.

These two things have been weighing down Emily's mind, like she has been locked in chains weighing 100 pounds and have been dragging them around the town for days. Her heart feels empty, mind dazed, nothing is making sense to her anymore. Her world is spinning out of control.

So, as she sits on the bleachers of school swimming pool waiting for Paige (her on-off-on again girlfriend) to complete her training, she tries to shut her mind completely and rather concentrate on the blue water in the pool. And what is she even doing here? She wanted to head home and sleep off her mental struggle, but Paige had insisted on going to The Brew after practice, on account of the fact that they have not been spending time together even though they are back together now. But, The proximity to pool, and the fact that she can't go in isn't doing any good for her. All she wants to do is immerse herself into that pool and lose herself in it, in the blue depths of the pool, the icy cold blue that makes you shiver at first in anticipation but is somehow still natural to her mind, soul and body, and so, all she wants is to dive in head on and let her mind shut off and her body take over. She closes her eyes and thinks back to the last time she let herself lose in blue depths, and like on cue, Alison's icy blue bright eyes shine back at her in her head. The way those eyes looked at her in the murky darkness of night, as if they were taking in a special screening of her soul in those few moments before she dove head first into them that night, when her heart was thumping in her chest like a drum roll before a grand entrance and then the moment when she let her body take over and give into her desire to be closer to the girl who took her heart and she never could ask for it back. She had kissed Alison long into the night, and Ali had seemed different than ever before, after initial hesitance Ali took control and rolled on top of her and had kissed her back with an aching sort of desperation, like if she stopped now the world would come crashing down.

This now, confuses Emily on so many levels. There are so many questions swarming in her head at the moment, but there are a few questions that are burning a hole inside. Could anyone be that good an actor? Can Ali be this twisted? But most of all, Is Ali really the enemy?

She is back to where she started, this 'trying not to think' thing won't just work for her. She is saved by her train of thoughts when Paige calls her out. Emily hadn't even realised that the practice has gotten over and Paige was standing next to her, changed and ready to go. They both make their way to the Emily's car in relative silence.

'So how was your practice?' Emily asks, trying to break the silence and hanging on to any way she can be saved from her own head.

'Practice was fine, there is a meet coming up after the winter break.', Paige says a bit hesitantly, probably knowing that swimming is still a touchy topic for Emily.

'I'm sure you'll do great', Emily replies, keeping her gaze on the road ahead.

Paige holds Emily's hand and smiles appreciatively to her when Em looks at her. Emily feels a twinge of guilt, because Emily knows she is definitely fond of Paige, she is just not sure that she is IN love with her. She has been wondering if she jumped back into this relationship again because things got out of control with Ali or because she still had feelings for Paige. She can't seem to form an answer. The other reason, she is feeling guilty is because they were supposed to talk about it before getting back together, she had planned on telling Paige about her night with Ali, but she isn't sure about it anymore, because somehow it all still feels like a dream and she doesn't want to form the words out loud and taint their memory, and she knows Paige would be really upset. So, she reasons with herself that its better not to talk about it yet as it sure did not mean anything for Alison. She isn't sure about her reasoning anymore though.

They both get out of the car and headed to The Brew.

The next hour or so, went by in ease. They chatted about different topics ranging from final days of school, the upcoming christmas ball, the dresses they would wear to it, deliberately avoiding any serious topics. Emily couldn't be more thankful to Paige about that.

Around 7pm, they left the brew.

'Em!' Paige called out to Em when they were both near Em's car.

And then it happened, She turned her around and pinned Emily to the car and kissed her passionately. Emily was frozen, it was like a thunder lightening had fallen upon her and the skies opened their gates and a special celestial announcement took place only for Emily's ears, heart now knew what was wrong. What was weird was that..

She felt like she is cheating on Alison by kissing Paige.

Could it be anymore messed up?

Emily pulled away and calmly, caressed Paige's arm and smiled and then took off in her car.

Ugh! It's 11:30 PM , why can't she go to sleep already?

'Why?' is one question that she has been asking herself and to her skies time and again nowadays.

She gives up trying to fall asleep now, and goes to sit at her window seat, Thankful to her parents that all those years ago they have been thoughtful enough to place a window seat in her room, which has been her companion in all her troubled times. She pulls on a cardigan around her before adjusting in her favorite position because its first week of November and it has started to get a little chilly around here.

She sits back with resolve to sort through her feelings, which have been all over the place lately. She knows that Alison is A (or does she?). Its what everyone believes, that's what Spencer, Aria and Hanna have been talking about all this time. But, Emily knows its crazy to believe that, because she was there the night Alison was attacked and how scared she was and how she had to hold her for hours in her arms to get her to breathe normally (and the fact, that Ali had hold on to her tighter wasn't lost on her). Could Ali be so twisted that she skips the comforts of her home and settled life for two years just to play with the four of them? Could she be so aberrant that she murders someone? And that thought alone sends chills down her spine. She pushes that thought back.

Although, she will never accept it in front of her friends but she knows that she knows Ali the best, she knows her from what she is on the inside than what she shows to the world. Emily knows that even though Ali can be manipulative and bitchy to the core when required and she can have quite a temper as well, but she knows that Ali CAN NOT kill someone. She has avoided thinking about this for so long, because it was easier to be angry at Ali and think that she has been the reason for all that has gone wrong in her world. It was easier to be angry than face her unresolved and probably irrevocable feelings for the blonde in question. But, she knows she can't keep on blaming for crime as heinous as murder.

That being settled, she knows now, that Ali is not A.

She wonders that will the girls believe her if she reasoned with them. She guesses, not. They would only blame it on Em being naive and trusting Ali because she still has unresolved feelings for her. She doesn't want to imagine how that talk was going to go. She settles to not say a word to the girls about this till she has a hard evidence to support her hypothesis.

She has been staring at the sky above filled with stars for a while now. It's 1 in the morning and she feels tired enough to go to bed when her eyes fall on the ground below and she sees someone by the tree and on first instinct she is scared, because has someone been watching her from there? Is it one of A's minion? Because for the past two years, they have been tortured by this bully so much that now she doesn't even trust for her thoughts to be safe from A's reach. But, when that somebody doesn't move from that place, she looks harder and sees that, that somebody is lounging beneath the tree. She wonders, who in their right mind will be out at this hour in such a chilly weather and then she sees those blonde locks and realises its Alison Dilaurentis beneath that tree. 'What the actual fuck is she doing there?' is all Emily could think, but the sight of the blonde still flutters her heart a little, but she is worried about her at the moment, because Ali is just lying there and not moving.

She gets out of her room as quietly as she can, but grabs a pashmina throw before exiting and heads towards her door and opens it as soundlessly as she can because her mother is in the house and sleeping and she won't appreciate Emily to even step out of the door at this hour. As she moves outside, the cold air messes her hair and she can't believe its this cold, and she thinks that she should have slipped into her Pajama pants instead of coming out here in her shorts, that thought goes out of her head as quickly as it comes. She moves as fast as she could and reached to the blonde.

There she lies, awkwardly by the tree, with disheveled hair and mascara run tear tracks on her face. But, she still looks beautiful to Emily's eyes, but she is wondering why the blonde is here and why was she crying. As she bends down to tap the blonde, she finds her reeking of scotch and what is that smoke mixed with it? Has she gone crazy? She realises that the blonde has passed out and is shivering with cold, she immediately drapes that pashmina around Alison's petite frame. Emily tries to get Alison up, and somehow manages to get Alison on her feet with one arm thrown around her waist, the blonde has her arms around her neck. Emily manages to get her inside the house somehow, and it is going to be a tough trek up the stairs but she can't leave the blonde downstairs as her mother would wonder about her presence in the morning, plus her mother would definitely won't appreciate the scotch stench. She realises the blonde is a little awake as she is mumbling lowly and incoherently against her neck, her breath and her proximity still sends butterflies down Emily's stomach, but she suppresses the thought as she has tougher job at hand.

'Ali, Please just try to move up the stairs and then I'll let you lie down. Please!' Emily tries to coax the blonde.

'Emmmmm.. Just hold me. Please.' Ali whispers.

Emily can't help but smile a little at those words, as the blonde's guards are completely down in this moment. So Emily just holds Ali and draws her in to her body to hold her a little more tightly than before. She feels, the blonde sigh in her arms. She still wonders how can she get such reactions out of the blonde. For several moments they stay fix in that position, before Emily has to break their embrace.

They both take each step up the stairs very slowly and very much in sync, Ali is doing as Emily is telling her to. Emily is still holding her close.

They both enter Emily's room and Emily moves the blonde slightly away from her to get her to lie down on her bed, but Ali keeps her arms around her albeit loosely. As she lowers the blonde on her bed, the blonde pulls her with her. So, now she is hunched down over Ali, who has her arms around her neck. Her blue eyes are open now, still a little unfocussed though as they look into dark caramel eyes, Emily's breath hitches in her throat as this leaves her feeling a little too exposed to the blonde. So, she just caresses, Ali's forehead before pressing a kiss to it. (because Ali with her guards down is too adorable for her tastes and she knows she won't remember this small gesture ,which is only for Emily's benefit, tomorrow in the morning).

Ali inhales deeply and murmurs in a very soft voice but a voice full of longing.

'I have missed you.' as last thoughts before closing her eyes and falling asleep instantly.

Emily freezes hearing those words as she doesn't expect Ali to ever be this open with her feelings. But, she knows by experience that 'Drunken words are sober thoughts', and this messes up with her on different emotional levels.

As she frees herself from the blonde's arms and takes a step back from the bed, she speaks to herself before sighing loudly, taking in the view of the blonde sleeping in her bed.

'I have missed you too.'

I got tempted to write again.

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