Chapter 28

She swallowed some coffee, gathering her thoughts and her courage. She wanted to find the right words. She didn't want him to go away one more time. They needed to talk. They'd already waited too long. Both of them knew that they had to clarify things if they wanted to have a chance to start over again. A chance to go back together. And there was one thing for sure, both of them wanted to be together more than anything. Finally, Cuddy looked up and stared at House. He seemed to be calm, waiting for her to say something. He looked at her and she could see fear, worry, and apprehension but also hope and love in his eyes. She breathed deeply and said:

"What do you want to know?"

"Are you sure that Ethan is my son? Is there no possible mistake?"

"No. Ethan is your son. We conceived him the night before I felt ill. Do you remember? You came to me. You were drunk just as yesterday." She said, smiling while she thought of the irony of the situation.

"And I told you how much I loved you."

House's words echoed in Cuddy's head. She perfectly remembered his words. You had made me a worse doctor. But if I have to choose between saving everyone or loving you, be happy with you, I choose you, I'll always choose you. He was right. It was a moving, true declaration of love. And she knew it.

"We made love this night, do you remember?"

House nodded. How could he forget it? How could he have forgotten his last night of love with Cuddy? Probably the last time he was happy, if this meant something. They looked at each other. Their eyes told everything. No need to speak. They both were sorry; they had regrets; they still loved each other. But they just didn't know how to say it, how to start over again.

Finally, Cuddy said: "It will take some time, House." And she took his hand.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"When? The examination didn't show anything because it was too soon for it."

"No, I mean after. When you learned of it, why didn't you tell me?"

"I…" she began. Then she breathed deeply and added: "When my pregnancy was confirmed, you were married. And…"

"But I didn't love her! It was just… just to hurt you! You know it, Cuddy!"

"I know it now. But at this time…"

"Even at this time, you knew it. You perfectly knew that I got married with Domenica to hurt you as much as you hurt me when you broke my heart."

"I was angry, House, I was angry and… "

"Jealous."

"Yes, I was jealous! Of course, I was jealous! You married a hooker and you invited me to your wedding! How do you think I felt?!" she shouted.

"I'm sorry. But did you imagine how I felt? My girlfriend might die, I tried to resist the temptation to take drugs, but… but I knew that I couldn't deal with you dying, that I couldn't be by your side to comfort you without drugs. And I wanted to be. I knew you needed me and I wanted to show you that I cared about you. It was the first time I took Vicodin since I got out of Mayfield. And it wasn't an easy decision to make."

"I know."

"But you refused to understand me, you refused to listen to me, you accused me of choosing myself over you, but did you do differently when you dumped me? Tell me, Cuddy, do you really think that you did it for the best of us or for yourself, to protect you from pain and from disappointment?"

"I… " she never thought of it from this point of view. She was convinced that she acted for the best of them, but…"You… you may be right, but… did you try to understand me? Do you think it was easy for me to make this decision? Do you think it was easy to dump you, the only man I've ever loved? When I saw you and Domenica…" she said with sobs in her voice. She wiped some tears and tried to pull herself together.

"I gave you many chances to stop this wedding." Cuddy looked at him through her tears, she didn't understand what he meant.

"What… what do you mean? How could I have stopped you from marrying her?"

"I gave you papers to sign. You could have refused to sign them, but you did it. I invited you to my wedding to hurt you, but also to push you to prevent it." Cuddy looked at him with a questioning look, she didn't understand.

"How? House, tell me how? It was too late! And I tried! Do you remember? I refused that you used the chapel of the hospital to celebrate your wedding, but it didn't prevent you to get married with Domenica. So how could I have stopped all this ... this masquerade?"

"I had hoped that you would have said something while the ceremony, I had hoped that you would have shouted "no" when Chase asked if someone was against this marriage." House replied looking at her straight in the eyes.

"I wished I could be at her place, I wished it was me by your side, and not her." Cuddy whispered after a while.

House looked at her. He had never thought that Cuddy wanted to get married with him. "I… I didn't know that you... Why… why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. Probably because I thought that you weren't the kind of guy that wanted to get married, because you were always cynical with married people."

House didn't answer. There were lots of unsaid things between them. It would take time to explain them. Or at least a part of them.

"I did feel hurt and mortified, House. I was angry at you, but at me too. I felt guilty for all this mess. And then I learned that I was pregnant. I carried YOUR child! I … I was confused. I didn't know if I was going to keep the baby or to abort. It was a very difficult decision to make, House. And I was alone to make it." She stared at House. He remained silent. He listened to her and imagined her alone in her house, thinking of what she had to do, struggling with herself, with her feelings.

"What was the right thing to do? I don't know." She whispered. Some tears rolled on her cheeks. House wiped them away softly.

"I don't know." Was all he said.

"And then, you destroyed my house and ran away! At that time, I didn't want to see you anymore."

House looked at her and nodded: "I'm sorry."

"Me too, House, I'm so sorry. I should have told you."

They didn't say a word while a few minutes. They just let their eyes express their feelings. Both of them felt happy to finally talk, to be together. But they were also aware of the difficulties that were ahead of them.

"Is he normal?" House asked suddenly.

"Yes, he's normal. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you were sick at the very beginning of his life and you were on medical treatment."

"Don't worry. Your son is cute and smart." Cuddy smiled. She was happy. House seemed to take an interest in Ethan.

"Where… where is he? Can I see him? And Rachel?"

"Oh, they are with Julia. David had planned a romantic weekend for "us" and he asked Julia to take care of the children for the weekend."

House looked at her. He couldn't decide if this was good news or bad news.

"But if you want, I can call her and tell her that I come to take them back."

"And what about you, Cuddy? What do you want?"

Cuddy looked at him surprised. "What's wrong, House?"

"What do you mean?" he replied surprised too.

"You never ask me what I want, you always do what you want. So what's wrong?" she said staring at him.

House smiled. "Nothing, nothing is wrong. On the contrary."

Cuddy didn't know how to react, what to think. She was perplexed. "Does it mean that you're…happy?" she finally said with a funny face.

"Yes, I think I can say that. It wasn't what I have planned but… it's good."

"What did you plan, House? What are you going to do to get into trouble one more time or to ruin what we just built?"

"Nothing. I…" House looked down. Why is it so difficult to confess my love for her? Why is it always hard for me to express my feeling? Why? Should I kiss her? Because that's what I want right now.

"Why are you here, House? Why did you come to Chicago? Why did you want this job?" Cuddy said, expecting… expecting what? An answer? No. She didn't expect an answer, she wanted more.

House sighed. He looked at her straight in the eyes. Suddenly he got up, took Cuddy in his arms and kissed her. It was a long and passionate kiss. They totally gave into it. Nothing else did exist, just the two of them, the sweetness of their lips, and the taste of their lips, the heat of their bodies, the passion and true love. They reluctantly let go of the other's lips to breathe. Cuddy looked at House, her sight became blurred because of tears.

"I came here because of you, Cuddy." House whispered. "I need you in my life."

Cuddy hugged him tight and said in his ear: "I love you, House."

House held her a little tighter and kissed her neck. He breathed her scent and licked her ear. "I love you, Cuddy." It was so good to feel her in his arms. He realized now how much he missed her.

Cuddy felt good, she felt safe. She missed him so much; she missed his arms, his touch, his kisses. She wanted him, she desperately wanted him. Her body craved for him. She softly moved back, looked at House, took his hand and led him to her room. He followed her smiling. Once in the room, he kissed her.

"Are you sure that what you want?" he asked.

"Yes. I want you." She replied and kissed him smiling.

"Really? Because we have a lot to talk about and"

"House, shut up." She replied and kissed him.

"Cuddy"

"A wise man once told me: "Words don't matter, actions matter". So, shut up and love me."

She took off his shirt and his jeans, kissed his bad leg and rubbed it softly before she stood up and held him tight against her. "I missed you, House." She said kissing him.

"I missed you too, Cuddy" he replied and took off her nightgown. He looked at her body, it was perfect.

She drew him to the bed and they made love. They would have time later to talk. Right now, they just needed to feel how much they loved each other.