Sorry guys this was a day late, I wasn't in a good mental place this week. To clarify for some people Allen's appearance is COMPLETELY androgynous, she allows people to simply assume that she is male and lets them run with that.
She isn't trans, as much as I'd love to write a trans character I don't want to touch something of which I have no experience. I don't want to get something wrong, like a bunch of white writers do with writing POC. Its not my place to do that. So no, she isn't trans at all.
Also, this chapter has some pretty heavy content, so be wary okay? I'll do a short summery at the end for you guys in case you need to skip a part.
"It was really kinda odd, like really." Allen laughs, her accent slipping back into her regular speech. Kanda glances over at her, and she laughs again. She had stopped drinking a bit back, instead opting for water, mainly because she knew she was at her limit and disliked hangovers.
"Mana just gave me a keyboard, told me to play. Everything clicked if that makes any sense, God it was wonderful. Mana took me back and made me learn from the beginnin' though." She continues.
"Yeah…" Kanda mutters, nodding and still sporting that odd grin. Then he went limp, passing out- thankfully on his bed. Allen brings herself to her feet, shakily but she manages to not fall over, which was something that she really wasn't quite expecting. She takes the three steps to Kanda's bed, and manages to pull the blanket over him, and turn him to his side in case he vomited.
Then she collapses in her own bed, exhausted, tired of everything. The darkness of sleep claimed her soon, and she gave in without a fight.
"Road, access the fourteenth." The Earl commands, he was sure she was still somewhere out there, that odd girl. And he needed to know just where she was.
"Sure, what'd you want me to do though?" Road asks, her attention on the candy scattered in her lap. Life's been boring, they gave up on those little kiddies and now she didn't have anything to do. It was a pain, being bored. She wanted to have a toy to play.
"Anything you'd like to do, just don't kill her." The Earl smiles eerily, he was rather upset at the moment. Tyki had failed, the akuma was gone- the Earl could feel this two thousand miles away. He'd have some sharp words to share with Tyki-pet, oh yes he would. Children who disobey must be punished.
"Sure, can't access her location ya know." Road says, grinning. This was going to be so much fun.
No. No this couldn't be happening- Allen thinks frantically, turning around what she knew was her dream world- she knew because she created it. She made it to escape; now she wasn't safe even here.
The woman, no girl- she walked towards her, a grin on her face. Her short black hair was spiked, her dress short- the only thing that really stuck in Allen's mind was how childish she seemed, like she'd throw a fit when it suited her. She snapped her fingers, and everything glimmers, and Allen feels like she is suffocating. God, her nightmares, they climbed out of the framework of her mind. She runs she has to run; she couldn't face this she couldn't.
"Allen, you killed me!" Mana screams, his body bleeding and in pieces, he was missing half his face, his arms were gone too. But he walked to her, next to Daisya. Daisya, how could she have forgotten him? That man who died because of her, when she didn't warn him of that akuma. She lived of course, that was her curse apparently.
Everything was dark, the corridors empty and the floor uneven. Each akuma she ever faced crawled out of the cold stone walls, she fights back a scream. They were so horrible, all of them. They were her. They weren't, they were all apart of her now, because she killed them all.
Allen Walker finally realizes something that shakes her world apart. These akuma, she killed them all. But that was impossible, or that is what everyone told her. But their dying screams should've told her otherwise, they never had resisted that so much when she watched Cross, Lena or Daisya, only her. Only her did they scream for with that wild look in their eyes, piercing her heart in their pain. She killed them, they were evil but she killed them.
Did it make it right? Or was she still wrong, she falls to her knees. It was too much, all the emotions of everything that surrounded her, the demons, Mana, Daisya, even a few humans she couldn't recognize, they all flowed into her. She was ripping apart, she finally lets a blood curdling scream tear itself out of her throat. She killed them, she killed them, that was the only thought that ran through her head as she let her tears run freely from her fingers.
"Ey, you there. Why are ya crying?" The girl from earlier says, but Allen can't see her. All she sees are the figures surrounding her. "Ah I see, ya killed em all right?" The girl giggles, and Allen sees her, hovering about the rows and rows of akuma and humans.
"I didn't mean to!" Allen screams out, she didn't mean for them to die. She didn't.
"Haha, of course you didn't silly. But you did." The girl says, grinning widely. "How'd ya like it if I give you a bit of your own medicine eh?" And the girl snaps again. Suddenly a baby was crying, at the far end of the dreamland. Allen struggles to her feet, a baby?
Then it hits her, as she runs towards it. The baby was her. "I'm Road." The girl says, her voice echoing. "It's been so boring, I think this is the perfect time for a game."
"What?" Allen says, puzzled. Then it hits her, as the first drop of molten wax falls upon the baby's naked skin. She screams, and Allen feels tears fall from her eyes in a greater number than before.
"So are you feeling it now?" Road says, as she hops to the ground. She walks toward Allen, who was frozen. "Its your fault you know." She whispers to her, and the last strand snaps. Screaming Allen runs to the baby, even as she got farther and farther away. She kept running though, she had to save the baby at least, she had to save something!
But the baby screams again, a candle protruding through its chest. Screaming, Allen runs faster, faster than she ever has before. She's too late though, the little child dies in her arms. Allen looks at her, the little baby in her arms. To her surprise the little girl's arm wasn't deformed in the least. It was only composed of pale creamy skin, her hair was the same red brown hair Allen remembered.
Suddenly, her heart beats again. Gasping the little girl opens her eyes, the same odd gray silver eyes that Allen had carried her entire life. She giggles, grabbing at Allen's hair. Then, to Allen's surprise the little girl speaks. "It wasn't our fault." She gurgles, before disappearing, with her leave the dark emptiness also dissipates, the akuma and humans also taking their leave.
"It wasn't our fault?" Allen murmurs softly, watching as the darkness gave way. It reminded her of stars, the silver falling from the sky of her mind. She stands, still crying she looks around slowly. There's a fire a ways off, so she makes her way there. Sitting in the soft grass next to the warmth she allows her dreaming self to sleep, to forget and heal. It all had a sense of finality of it.
"Fucking beansprout wake up!" Kanda yells, shaking Allen's body roughly. The fucking man had been screaming for the past three hours, and Kanda couldn't wake him no matter how hard he tried. His head was killing him, the light coming from the window hurt but he couldn't make the damn man stop.
Suddenly the beansprout jolts sharply, sitting up. To Kanda's surprise he starts crying, and stumbles to his feet, toward the hotel room's bathroom.
She couldn't remember anything, the deal she knew she made yesterday with Tyki Mikk, the dream from last night that she knew was important. She couldn't remember and it scared her. Staring in the mirror she roughly turns on the faucet and scrubs her face as hard as she could bear, no this wasn't working but she didn't care. She felt so dirty, every part of her.
She heard Kanda banging on the door, and she ignores him, continuing to scrub until she started to bleed again, as she was being so rough that her healing skin tore away. Then Kanda manages to get the door open, and grabs Allen's hand, stopping her. "Fucking idiot. What are you doing?" Kanda says, looking at her directly with hard eyes. "What do you fucking think this will do?" He yells, roughly shaking her bleeding hand in her face.
"What difference will this make?" He says, quietly. Suddenly he removes his shirt, and points to his body. "It doesn't fucking do anything." He says, softly tracing over various scars that lined his torso and arms, all the way up his shoulders.
Allen stares, and suddenly she understands. The burns, the scars, they weren't accidental. Kanda's face betrayed the fact that they weren't.
"I'm fucked up eh?" Kanda muses, his eyes growing slightly softer. "You drive me insane you know. Absolutely insane. You have the same fucking darkness but you still smile, and I fucking know its fake." Kanda says, making Allen pause.
"What do you know." She says, her voice growing hard.
"I know that you are a fucking beansprout, I know that you've gone through shit and I know you are dead on the inside. Just like me." Kanda says, before shrugging his shirt back on.
They ignored each other on the plane, not that Kanda minded. He was still thinking, thinking about the things that Allen had been screaming, things about killing them, it being his fault. And Allen's screams in themselves, horrible, horrible screaming.
He had had to break the lock, he'd slipped some extra to the hotel staff when he signed them out. He had shown him the scars lining his upper body, and he didn't think he'd ever forget the look in Allen's eyes that moment. He knew he wouldn't see it again any time soon, the barriers all let down. His actual self, and nothing else.
Why had Allen Walker made that deal with that man, giving up his pack of cards? And why had Tyki Mikk accepted them?
"The Noah are back Komui." Allen states, she and Kanda were in for the regular report after a mission. "We met one, Tyki Mikk. The akuma there was also a level 3 at least, probably stronger." Allen rubs her hands against her pants, a action rendered useless by her gloves.
"This is troubling." Komui says, rummaging through a stack of papers. "There has been an increase of strong akuma of late, I can't seem to make out what they are planning. We don't even know as much as we'd like about them, they are a wild card you could say." He says pointedly, Allen squirms slightly, she knew exactly what he was referring to.
She and Kanda had decided not to say anything about her little deal, she missed the pack of cards through, Kanda had reminded her sharply a few hours before that she had given them up. She couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else, something important she was missing.
"We encountered the Noah before the akuma Komui. He acted like he knew me, I don't remember him at all though." Allen says, Kanda doesn't mention the fact that Allen had fell apart slightly after that encounter, and the things that Tyki had said to him.
Then again, Tyki himself annoyed the hell out of Kanda more than anyone but the beansprout. There was something slippery about him, and Kanda had the inkling that he would do whatever it took to meet his ends. It reminded Kanda of a poisonous snake, squeezing where no one else could and striking when it was least expected.
"Thank you Allen for telling me, say, do you know anything more about your past?" Komui asks.
"No. Before I met Mana it's a blur." Allen says, his voice stony.
"Okay, just thought I'd try. I've been trying to find you, to try to answer questions. Allen, its like you don't even exist you know. It worries me, you say you were living on the street for a period of time in London was it? I checked all the deaths of possible parents, but there was nothing that could be you, all the children were accounted for." Komui says, his eyes unreadable behind his glasses. "I suggest you try to figure this out Allen, we haven't heard from Cross in quite a while, and he is the only person that might know anything."
"Understood Komui." Allen says, trying to mask her worry. Of course they wouldn't find her, she didn't really exist apparently. She had slipped through the cracks, living on the streets of London, a place that wasn't even supposed to have street rats. The government liked to think of it as much, but they still had existed.
They had slipped through the official's hands, not landing in any sort of foster care or anything. They were ignored, Allen remembered many of them were kids who weren't white, people the grown ups didn't give a shit about. They weren't human apparently.
So they had been forgotten, treated like animals wherever they went. They didn't exist, of course Komui hadn't been able to find anything. Of course he hadn't.
"Earl, she kicked me out." Road says, rubbing her head. God that had hurt, and it was a first for her.
"What do you mean Road?" The Earl asks.
"I mean I was able to get in, I was able to mess with her- but then she kicked me out of her head." Road states, pronouncing each word slowly and clearly. She really needed to sleep this off, she was entirely drained, not an ounce of power left in her.
"Thank you Road dear, I had expected as much. The fourteenth will wake soon." The Earl muses.
Okie dokie guys, so summery as promised. Basically Road hacked into Allen's dreams, she messed with Allen a ton, before Allen manages to get to her younger self. Shit goes down and Road is kicked out. Also, Kanda manages to wake Allen up, she freaks and ends up hurting herself, Kanda shows her some healed over scars from self harm.
Please review, this has been sorta hard for me to write.
Each and every notification I get for this story makes me smile, I really appreciate you all for reading this
Aariah out~