Chapter 5

It had been several hours since Nina had broken the news to Clara.

At first, she had felt shock and a sense of disbelief as she struggled to imagine such a change in the Doctor's personality, especially after she went to the room where he was recovering and sat beside him, watching him as he slept peacefully...

Clara had stayed beside him for more than two hours, she had watched him breathing deeply and easily and tears had pricked at her eyes as she had looked at his face and seen deep bruising that had spread from his temple to beneath his right eye – they had used high tech equipment to remove the transmitter, and seeing the bruises the pressure had caused on the surface only brought home to her the fact that he had suffered damage internally too.

Then she had leaned over him and gently kissed his brow and paused to press her face gently against his hair as she inhaled the scent of it – she had been fully prepared to have walked into this room and seen him with his hair shaved and a huge scar across his head – that was what she had imagined when she had been told he needed brain surgery - it had broken her heart to think of him looking so damaged, but she knew now that was not the case, and she was relieved that he still looked like the man she knew and loved:

This was 2060, even major surgery could be carried out with minimal incisions, and the Doctor had lost none of his hair. There was a dressing taped over his temple and she was yet to see the scar, but it would not be anywhere near as large as she had first imagined. Seeing such a small dressing over an equally tiny wound, it seemed impossible to believe he could be so seriously hurt...

But she knew that he was injured, because they had gone deep into his brain to remove the transmitter and the complications had happened, even if all she could see was a small dressing on his temple and heavy bruising, deep inside, he was still wounded and would take a long time to heal, and she would not know exactly how that injury had affected him until he came out of sedation.

He still looked like the Doctor.

It was still hard to believe his personality would be so altered now.

Eventually, confident that he was doing as well as the medical team had promised, Clara had left him to rest and then with Nina's help, had persuaded the security team to hand over the transmitter, because the best place for it to be analysed was on board the Tardis. Then after thanking Nina for her help, she had invited her on board to watch the analysis of the transmitting device...

As they stood at the Tardis console and Clara looked upwards, addressing the ship, Nina watched with interest.

"I need some help with this," Clara said aloud, holding up the transmitter as it glowed in its clear casing, "I need to store it safely and read it, if possible. Where do I put it?"

There was a brief silence, above it the Tardis hummed softly, and then a small unit beneath a monitor opened up on the control panel.

"Thanks," Clara said to the Tardis, and she slid the transmitter into it, the unit drew it down into the console, and then the screen flickered to life and she read the message:

Transmission signal frozen. Save?

"Yes!" she said at once, and touched the yes option, "We have to save that," she told Nina, "Or the Doctor won't be able to trace the source... what's this?"

Another message had come up:

Memory storage detected. Play all?

She looked to Nina.

"I need to see what he saw," she said, and she touched the play option...

The two women stood side by side as they watched the Doctor's ordeal in the holographic world unfold:

Clara was shocked to see how he had been placed in a nightmare where she had been shot, and then forced to sit back helplessly as she lay dying.

"I'm so glad you broke through the signal to tell him what was really going on!" she said to Nina.

And then the Doctor began to speak, and what he said was unexpected, and as she listened, Clara blinked away tears.

On the screen the Doctor was looking down at her hologram copy, clearly he knew by then that this world was not real, but as he spoke, he was opening his heart to the real Clara:

"I do love you so much," he said softly, "I had plans for us, now I'm terrified I won't live to see those plans happen. You will never know how deeply I long to make you the mother of my children. I want us to have a family together. I want to live out this lifetime with you and see our children grow up. It was all I wanted, why did I never tell you?"

As the recording ended, Clara touched the screen to turn it off, and the monitor fell dark.

"I never knew he felt that way," she said in a hushed voice.

Clara turned her head and as she looked at Nina, she blinked and a tear ran down her face.

"That was him, that was the Doctor as he was before the injury. That was him as I remember him, but I never knew he wanted us to have a family...Do you think he will still want to have a baby with me?"

"I think that is likely to be something he won't forget," Nina replied softly, "And I feel so moved to have witnessed all that he said."

As she blinked again and her vision cleared, she noticed Nina's eyes had misted up too.

"Why would you be so moved by what he said?" Clara wondered.

Nina shrugged

"I suppose I'm just a romantic who believes in love conquering all."

Clara smiled. Those words the Doctor had spoken had stayed with her, and she felt warm in her heart to know in his darkest hour, he had made such a startling confession.

"I'll talk to him when he's feeling better," she said, "He wants a baby - he can have his wish. I would dearly love to carry his child. I have thought about it before but we had never discussed it, never found the right time, I suppose. But I want to have a family with him, I want it more than ever now."

And then Clara looked curiously at Nina as a sudden thought struck her.

"You haven't said anything about the Tardis..everyone who comes in here for the first time always notices its bigger on the inside, they are always stunned by it – but not you. Why?"

"I work for earth security," she reminded her, "I know of the Doctor and the Tardis. So there are no surprises for me." And then she smiled and the look in her eyes softened, "But what he said on that recording, that surprised me."

Sadness shaded Clara's eyes.

"This recording...it could be the only reminder I ever have of how he used to be... I want to be with him when he wakes up, but I'm dreading it. I don't know what to expect."

Nina looked at her with sympathy.

"You need to remember he will recover, but it is going to take a long time. Maybe you should stay around for a while – live here for a few months, see how you cope."

"I'm pretty sure I can cope with the Doctor! I've seen him regenerate, he was in a state of confusion then."

"But he's not exactly confused," Nina reminded her, "There is much more to it - his personality has changed."

"And I'll learn to live with that."

Clara had spoken defensively, and Nina chose her words carefully as she replied.

"I'm not saying you can't cope. I'm just saying it could be difficult, caring for someone who has been affected the way the Doctor has. And I'd like you to know I'm here to support you if you need help."

The look in Clara's eyes softened.

"Thanks, but I'm determined to do this on my own. I need to know I can handle him no matter how difficult he gets."

Then she remembered something he had once said and her eyes clouded with sadness once more.

"I remember, not too long ago... I was joking, I said I was his carer, and he said I cared so he didn't have to. I never knew one day those words would have such significance."

She felt an ache in her heart and drew in a slow breath, letting it out again as she regained control and kept her tears at bay.

"I'm sure I can cope. I have to, I'm all he's got."

Nina looked into her eyes.

"But remember you have a friend here if you need one."

"I know that," she said warmly, "Thank you."

And Nina gave her a brief hug and then let go again.

Then Clara checked her watch.

"Right," she said, suddenly sounding very much in control once more, "He's going to be asleep for quite a while. I'm going to catch up on my sleep now, so I can be at my best when he wakes."

"I'll see you later," Nina replied, "And remember what I said, Clara – I'm here if you need a friend. I always will be."

After Nina left the Tardis, Clara walked out of the console room and down the corridor towards the bedroom she shared with the Doctor.

She knew she would find that bed cold without him beside her, but sleep would be for the best, because she couldn't afford to be exhausted when he finally awoke from sedation – and she also knew that sleep would be difficult to achieve, because until he woke up and she saw the change in him for herself, she had no idea what she had committed to taking on, and that worried her greatly...

After a few hours of sleep frequently broken by waking sharply and sliding back to sleep once more, Clara eventually woke up and got out of bed still feeling exhausted, she showered and changed her clothes, put on fresh make up, checked her appearance in the mirror anxiously, then checked it again, and then she turned away from her reflection deciding she was being ridiculous:

What was she imagining, that that Doctor would no longer recognise her?

Nina had said his personality had been affected, not his memory...

Then as she returned to the console room she glanced over at the place where the transmitter was stored, and remembered all the Doctor had said in the recording, and a sudden wave of sadness came over her that made little sense:

The Doctor's personality had been affected – dramatically, by all Nina had told her.

He would no longer be as she remembered him, and as crazy as it seemed, she felt a sense of grief, like she ought to be mourning for the loss of the man he used to be.

How could that make sense, when the Doctor was alive and making a good recovery?

She had not lost him, so why did she feel as if she had?

As she left the Tardis and began to make her way across the complex to the medical centre, her heart felt heavy.

It seemed like such a short time ago the young man in the bow tie had gone away, and she had mourned his departure. Then she had seen the Doctor regenerate – older, very different in every way to his former self, but she had still seen him, she had seen the Doctor in him and grown to love him even more deeply than before.

She was afraid of more changes.

He still looked like the man she had come to know as the Doctor, yet the damage caused by the removal of the transmitter had also damaged his personality, forcing more change on to a man already settling into his new persona. She guessed it would be harder on the Doctor than it ever could be on her, and perhaps she had no right to grieve for all that had gone, because he was still alive, still looked the same, he had not regenerated again – it was just something inside, an injury that would alter his personality, and that was something she would have to get used to, no matter how difficult that proved to be.

It wasn't his fault.

She knew she had to keep on remembering that, because it helped her to stay strong as she wondered what to expect when he woke from sedation.

As she neared the door to his room, tension filled her body and she took in a slow and steady breath, reminding herself that no matter how it had affected him, he was still the Doctor, his life was no longer in danger and eventually, he would recover.

That was all that really mattered...

Clara went quietly into his room.

The Doctor was still sleeping, and she went over to his bed and pulled up a chair and sat down beside him.

He gave a sigh in his sleep, turned his head and as his bruised temple touched the pillow pain registered on his face and he turned his head again, and as he moved she saw the dressing was already off the wound, and he would have a deep scar that ran down his temple when he was healed. For now the skin was still mending, and it was painfully bruised in shades of purple and brown.

She thought about softly speaking to him, then waking him with a kiss, but that bruising still looked painful and it seemed selfish to wake him before he was ready.

Clara gently took hold of his hand, and he gripped it briefly and then gave another sigh, stirring like a restless dreamer.

"Are you awake?" she whispered, but he murmured something she didn't catch and slid back into his deep sleep once more.

She said no more, just sat there watching him as he rested.

He still looked like the Doctor.

It seemed impossible his personality could have changed so much...

As she sat beside him she thought back to the messages that Nina had sent over the hacked transmission when the Doctor's mind had been trapped, and then she recalled all she had said about the son of the Brigadier taking shots at stone angels in a graveyard...

What did any of that have to do with here and now?

She had asked Nina about it at the time, but as usual the woman had been evasive, explaining it away as classified information linked to national security... She decided she would ask the Doctor about it later, when he was awake and feeling much better.

Then she worried as she wondered if his memory had been affected.

What if he no longer knew her?

She could not bear to imagine that possibility...

Then a nurse came into the room.

She watched as the nurse inspected the Doctor's healing wound, and then she turned to Clara and spoke quietly, taking care not to wake her patient:

"He should be waking up soon. Has it been explained to you, about the change in his personality?"

Clara nodded.

"Yes," she replied, and her answer seemed absurd, because no explanation could prepare her for something she was yet to experience that she could barely bring herself to imagine...

The nurse indicated to a button on the wall.

"If he becomes difficult, just press this," she told her, "We can't predict how he will be feeling when he wakes. He may need restraining."

Clara's eyes grew wider.

"Restraining? I'm sure he won't be that bad!"

"Just remember where the button is should you need it," she said, and then the nurse left the room.

Now she was alone with him once more, Clara kept a gentle grip on the Doctor's hand as she began to speak softly to him:

"You and me need talk when you're feeling better," she said to him, "We need to talk about the future..." then she paused, deciding not to let him know she had viewed the recording, "This has been a scary time for both of us, and I love you so very much, Doctor. I think, when you're feeling better, we should talk about the future...about you and me and starting a family, I think we should do that."

Then she gently stroked the back of his hand as he slept on.

"People keep talking to me like you've come out of this with such terrible complications – I don't think its anything we can't handle together. You're still the Doctor, you're still the man I fell in love with!"

The Doctor stirred again, he drew in a breath and let it out slowly, turned his head and winced as the bruising touched the pillow, and turned away once more, exposing the healing scar.

"Doctor?" she said softly, "Are you awake?"

He stirred again and gave another sigh.

She ran her hand over his hair.

"You've had a very long sleep," she said gently, and then she briefly placed her hand against his cheek as she looked at the bruising that had spread down below his right eye.

"You poor thing, you look like you've been in a fight," she said, "I know you're going to be very sore when you wake up, but you're healing quickly. It won't be long before we can go back to the Tardis and leave this place and put all this behind us."

Then as he stirred again she drew back from him, sitting patiently at his bedside as she waited for him to wake.

Then he breathed deeply and his eyelids flickered open.

"Doctor?" Clara leaned closer.

He slowly looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

She smiled.

"Welcome back," she said, taking hold of his hand.

And then her smile faded as her expression changed to one of alarm:

The Doctor was crushing her hand in a bruising grip as his eyes grew wide and he stared at her, it was a look of pain and confusion and alarm all mixed in with a dash of sharp anger and as his stare intensified, she knew at once Nina had been right:

It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger, a very volatile stranger...