A/N: ;_; This was such a tough chapter to write, but it must be done.

Chapter 26

(Jace POV)

I awoke with a start. Clary's bedroom was dark, and I assumed it was still nighttime. A quick glance at her alarm clock confirmed my suspicion. It was 3:07 in the morning, and I definitely felt it. I had that heavy, I-didn't-sleep-enough feeling, and it made me groan softly. I looked over my shoulder and saw Clary sleeping peacefully, her red hair spread out around her like a crown. She was so beautiful…

I had ended up staying the rest of the day and the night as well, since Clary and I could scarcely take our hands off each other. Really, the sex had been fantastic, just as wonderful as it always had been. But… Something was missing.

And deep down, I knew what that something was. We hadn't really talked during the whole thing, it was all physical. That's what I knew best, after all. I was comfortable with sex and everything to do with it; God knows I had enough practice. That was another problem, my previous infidelity that is.

I never meant to hurt Clary, but I couldn't help it. Like with Aline in Idris: I met her, I wanted her, and I had her. Some people would say that I hadn't actually cheated on Clary because we weren't "together", but it was still emotional cheating and I was aware of that now. Just like with Clary and Simon dating. It had nearly killed me.

And yet, Clary always took me back into her arms, her heart, her bed. Gave me exactly what I wanted and needed, and accepted me. And it was great, and she was so kind to me. Still… I only ended up hurting her more because of my own fucking weakness. Try as I might, I couldn't commit to Clary. I hated it, and I hated myself. I wanted Clary to be my everything, and for us to live happily ever after, but whenever it seemed to be going that way, I would majorly screw up. Like with Evangeline.

I really was like Valentine. I didn't deserve anyone's love, especially Clary's or Evangeline's. They both deserved so much more than I could offer them. What could I even offer them in the first place? An unfaithful boyfriend?

I had a serious problem, and I knew it. And I finally realized that sleeping with Clary wasn't going to solve anything, it would only continue the disgusting cycle of infidelity. We needed to actually work through our problems without jumping into each other's arms for once, if I was even worthy of her affections (which I was seriously doubting).

But what about Evangeline? I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was attracted to her on a deep level. I wanted Evangeline, and it scared me how attached I was already. But what could I do? I was going to choose Clary and try to forget about the girl with the beautiful blue eyes, that's what. But how could I forget when she was living in the Institute with me?

I got up from Clary's bed and walked over to her window, looking out at the night sky. That sky saw everything in the world. Did it see me? I didn't know if God was behind that inky curtain of stars, but I nonetheless felt like I was being monitored and that the sky was a witness to my internal struggle. Please, I thought desperately, help me resolve things and tell me what to do. Help me make the right decision and stop hurting everyone I love. I stared up at the moon, that beautiful white orb in the sky, surrounded by pale silver clouds on the blanket of stars, and I knew what I had to do. As painful as it would be, and as much as it made my heart ache already at the prospect of it.

I turned back to look at Clary, and suddenly found her eyelids fluttering open. She stretched and yawned, and her lovely emerald eyes rested on me as I approached. "Are you having trouble sleeping, too?" she slurred slightly, an exhausted smile on her face.

I knelt down next to her, and took her hand in mine. "Clary, I think we have a lot to talk about," I murmured softly.

The smile faded gradually, and she put her other hand in my hair, stroking it. "I think we do. I was having trouble falling asleep earlier because of it."

"Yeah," I whispered, my heart rate increasing. So it wasn't just me. That would make this easier. "Clary, I'm sorry. For everything."

"That's okay. I forgive you." Clary released my hair and sat up in bed, patting the space beside her. I got to my feet and sat there. "But I have to say, Jace, that I'm not satisfied with how things went yesterday. We didn't really talk about what happened. We just… you know."

I nodded, sadness growing. I didn't want to do this, but I knew I had to especially because Clary was on the same page. "I don't think we should be together until we have all our problems worked out. Especially me. Clary, I have to figure out why I can't commit, and I can't keep hurting you like this. I'm sorry, but I don't think that either of us is ready to jump back into our relationship just yet."

There. I said it. Clary seemed to be contemplating it, and yawned. I was going to say something, but she put a hand up to stop me. "It's fine. I was thinking the same thing last night. I'm not ready either. I don't know what's been going on lately, but it's all so complicated. I have some issues of my own to work through."

On one hand, I breathed a sigh of relief, but on the other hand, my feelings of dread increased exponentially. Is this really what I wanted, to be alone again? I glanced out the window to look at the sky again, and the answer came to me: it wasn't what I wanted, it was what both of us needed. "So… I guess this means we're broken up again," I said after awhile.

She nodded. "I guess it does."

"But not forever, necessarily," I added, scared of a life without Clary.

Clary smiled sadly. "No, not necessarily forever." She nudged me off the bed, and laid down again. "I think I'm going to try to get some more sleep. Feel free to stay, if you want."

"No, I should leave." Now the misery was setting in. What had I gotten myself into? "I'll see you whenever."

"Don't forget your clothes on the floor."

I felt awkward and incredibly sad. "Right, of course not." I got dressed robotically, trying to beat down all my emotions. I didn't want to deal with all the pain, at least not now. And damn, there was a lot of pain. I choked as much down as I could, and found myself trying to stop my eyes from tearing up. Even though Clary had said that we weren't breaking up forever, it still felt final. I had to remove myself from the situation and deal with it privately… "Goodbye, Clary."

I met her green gaze, and a lump came into my throat. "Take care of yourself, Jace. I'm serious."

"Don't worry about me," I said, trying to be flippant and failing. "Now go back to sleep."

"Okay. Bye, Jace. Make sure to lock the door on your way out. There's a key under the doormat." Was it just me, or did it look like she herself was tearing up?

"Will do." I went over to the door, and paused to look back at her. There was the woman I loved, and she was once again mine no longer. Don't think like that, my mind ordered. I wanted to say something to Clary in parting, but I couldn't find the words.

So I just turned back again and left, closing her door behind me.

A/N: I'm seriously tearing up right now. :( What do you all think? xoxo