And so begin…

THE ADVENTURES OF ANTI-WREN AND HER SWEETPEA

The plot of this story is moving along based on your prompts! Please, leave them in the reviews! Thank you, and all my love to you, my darlings! :D

That time when Thorin was pulling Wren out of fine mess, while Wren decided to go and find out how much his head was actually worth.

A/N: Thank you, Wynni, for the prompt!

Thorin jerked the door open, and the two crooks standing at his threshold winced back. A barechested intimidating Dwarf with a wide heavy sword in his hand wasn't exactly what they expected when the innkeeper told them that he thought the woman they were looking for was in the room with 'one of them short ones'.

"Can I be of service to you, gentlemen?" His tone was polite, and one of them gulped loudly.

"We are looking for a woman," the other one was brave enough to speak, but his voice was rather shaky, "Wee one, about this height," he showed with his hand somewhere around the level of Thorin's head, and then jerked it back realising he just pretty much implied that the gods scary Dwarf in front of him was 'wee', "Redhead, possibly in a state of undress."

"And what is your business with the aforementioned redhead in a state of undress?" Thorin continued this decorous conversation as if there were absolutely nothing remarkable about two men speaking to a half bare Dwarf in the doors of his inn room. He might as well be leading a mannered discussion over dinner of venison stew and best Bree ale.

"She stole our money!" The second one finally remembered he had a voice. "Sneaked in and looted out… savings." Thorin lifted one brow and gave the men a sarcastic look quite obviously signifying he was aware of the nature of their 'savings'. "She is fast and quiet, and she can't be trusted." That Thorin already knew.

"Gentlemen, I'll be direct. At the moment the redhead is in my care, she is my responsibility, and any grievances you have to settle with her are to be addressed to me. Do you have any grievances?"

The men seemingly suddenly developed lapses in memory and shook their heads. The first one though couldn't help but add, "You'll regret it." Thorin lifted the brow a bit higher. The men shrank further away from him. "Don't get us wrong, my lord, not from us... But her, she will chew you and spit you out alright."

"I know how to manage a woman," Thorin snorted derisively and stretched his hand to close the door to their faces. "Worry not, she won't be any trouble any time soon." He smirked in anticipation, "For couple days for sure."

"My lord, we thought such a scrap of a girl couldn't harm either, but..." Thorin decided he had had enough of this nonsense, and the door banged loudly.

The bed was empty. The sack was gone, as well as his gold pouch. The window was small, and when he stuck out of it he shook his head in disbelief. There were no ledges, lanterns or gutters near it, and he was on the third floor. That was quite a skill she had shown.

On the bed he found a bottle of exceptionally good red wine with a lace garter tied around its neck in a playful bow. He laughed and popped the cork. The garter smelled of lilac, just like her skin, and he leaned on his pillows, sipping wine and still slightly chuckling.

An hour later he decided that one bottle wasn't enough and went down into the common room. The barmaid put wine and cheese in front of him and smiled to him with meaning. He assumed he might as well enjoy that evening and winked to her. She giggled, and two hours later she was sitting on his lap, drinking wine in small sips and chatting non stop. He was still pondering whether this endless babbling was annoying enough to get rid of her or he could potentially withstand it long enough to invite her upstairs, when among her mindless chattering he caught something that was actually worth his attention.

"And so they tumbled down the stairs, all battered and bruised, and I said to Elen, those two do not look that well, one had a poppy sticking out of his hair! Can you imagine? A poppy! And they are swearing and hiccuping, and they sat down and asked for some wine, and I thought that is strange, you know, if you get beat up would you stay in the same inn? And then some time later, they already finished their wine, the entrance door opened and she came in. I saw her before, when she arrived earlier that evening, and I'll tell you, my lord, no woman should dress like that, especially if she is such a twig, and those breeches! She was dressed like a man! And she had a whip! And then clap! It first made like a swirl over her head, went in a circle and clap! It was so loud, and those two men fell of their chairs, and she swung it, and wrapped it around on one them, right in the middle! You know, around his stomach! You should have see how he was squirming, he was big but she did look scary, she pulled him and he wasn't fighting, sort of just crawled to her and she asked him about some money. I don't know what she wanted, but she kept on asking how much it was wroth? She said she decided to stop on her way out! I didn't see her go down, to think of it. I don't know, but he named the price, you know, like in a whiny tone, and she said, is that all? That majesticness costs more, she said! Don't know what they were discussing, but she was sort of lost in her thoughts, you know, and then slightly kicked him and rolled up her whip, and I swear it was the longest whip I've ever seen, and then she said something like, not worth it, or something, and sauntered out, I'm telling you my lord, I've never seen a woman like that. And tiny like a kitten, and not the most pretty of them all, I'll give you that."

By the end of her speech Thorin was roaring with laughter. He shook her off his knee and throwing some coins on the table he headed back to his room. The girl was staring at his back in confusion. He was walking up the stairs, thinking that tonight he'd have to release the tension on his own, no one would be enjoyable in comparison.

A/N: Just a reminder that all your "first time" prompts will be fulfilled later, once either you or I decide we had enough of these two :)

Make it hard for me, my lovelies! Throw them all in, I'll fulfill them all, and remember, I do love challenge! :P

The next one is Wren on stilts :)