Being Draco Malfoy
Chapter 4: Losing Harry

Draco poked at his dinner, consumed by thoughts of Harry's disappearance. What could he do? Harry had vanished without a trace. All sources led to a dead end. Most surprisingly was the fact that he hadn't even informed Granger and Weasley of his sudden departure. If there was one thing Harry knew, it was how not to be found. He feared he would never see his love or his child ever again. Draco sighed to himself as he made a mental note to consult the family lawyers to see if the marriage contract with Astoria could be broken. He never even noticed his father retrieve a small vial from his robes and tip it over into his wine glass. Lucius shared a pointed look with Narcissa.

The rest of the dinner went by fairly smoothly. As smooth as a dinner in the Malfoy house could be for that matter. Draco remained distant and spoke only when he was asked a direct question. Narcissa continued to chat about her usual nonsense. Shopping, gossip, aloof questions about the family business. Through her chatter however, her eyes were carefully trained on Draco who had begun lazily rubbing his eyes; vision blurry. Sweat beads formed on his forehead as he fidgeted with his tie trying to loosen it.

"Draco darling, are you all right? Do you need to lie down? ",she asked as she took another sip of her tea; her blue eyes glancing over the rim of her cup.
"I'm fine mother.", he replied; his tone sharper than intended.
"Perhaps you should take a rest." Lucius nodded in agreement.

"I think I will.", Draco said standing up from the table struggling to keep his balance. His temperature was increasing by the minute. He barely made it to the door before collapsing onto the floor.

Lucius silently levitated Draco's body through the halls of the manor and into his bed.

"Are you certain we should Lucius?", Narcissa whispered.
"Draco must marry Astoria. She's a fine witch. She will make a wonderful Malfoy." His tone held no room for argument.
Narcissa's heart broke as she looked down at her son. Tears fell down elegant cheeks. In a rare moment of affection and kindness, Lucius took his wife into his arms.
"This is our way. This is how it has always been done. Draco will thank us one day. We may have lost the war, but we must uphold tradition. Have I ever steered us wrong before?"

Narcissa wisely chose not to mention that fact that it was Lucius who had foolishly aligned himself with Voldemort and almost had them all killed.

"It won't last forever. Someday he will remember."
Lucius sighed. "I'm well aware of that. When that day comes, he will be married to Astoria and have a child. Draco will not abandon his responsibilities for some fling", he spat.

Narcissa knew more than Lucius that it had not been just a fling. She had seen his empty bed at night. Been suspicious after he decided to 'move out' on his own. Noticed that Draco had never been this happy since he was a small child. How could she not? She was a mother. But, Potter was gone and had taken her grandchild with him. Her heart cried for the baby she would never see, that her son would never raise. No, that would not do. If there was even the smallest chance that this would bring Draco peace, it had to be done. For she knew her Dragon. He was stubborn, loyal and fiercely proud but also sweet and caring to those fortunate to see that side of him. He would never stop looking for Potter otherwise.

"I'm sorry.", she whispered as she pressed a chaste kiss to Draco's forehead. "Step back Cissa", Lucius commanded. He raised his wand and chanted the spell; his wrist flicking his wand in

intricate, graceful movements. "Nulla memoria reliquit!"

Draco was trapped inside his own mind. He thought he was dreaming as he was pulled by an unknown force through an endless stream of memories. His conscious mind finally came to rest coming face to face with the first time they ever made love.

Draco blindly opened the door walked across the dimly lit room with Harry's legs wrapped firmly around his waist. His knees hit the side of the bed as both of them fell down roughly; the plumpness of the mattress and sheets deflating under their weight. Draco's fingers ghosted up Harry's chest, before pulling his shirt off. Draco kissed the area just above the seam of Harry's jeans, where a trail of dark hair began and almost certainly led down to his groin. Draco was damn sure going to find out tonight.

He continued to softly kiss his way up until he buried himself in the scent of Harry's neck. He chuckled silently to himself because Harry always smelled of plain soap and some unidentifiable intoxicating spice. While he continued kissing Harry's neck, he reached down to cup his lover's bulge, swiftly unbuckling his belt and jeans and sliding a hand onto the welcoming heat. Letting out a groan, Harry raked his hands through Draco's hair pulling him closer so that their skin became one; causing the most delicious friction.

They both gasped as Harry took Draco's cock into his hands and moved them up and down, using the precum that now coated Draco's painfully hard tip as a lubricant. He slowly alternated his pace to drive Draco to the brink of insanity. He rested his head on Harry's shoulder and let the feeling wash over him. Just as he was about to break, Harry let go and pulled Draco into a fierce kiss. "Fucking tease", Draco growled and attacked Harry's lips again. Before he knew it, they were both stark naked. Harry gasped at the cold air hitting his body. Draco smiled. "Open your legs for me love.", he whispered into Harry's ear sending shivers down the other boy's spine. Harry was surprised by how easily his legs complied. Like they were made for this.

Looking down, Draco could see Harry's urgency. He was almost begging with the way his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth let out desperate moans; his body arched against Draco's. Draco's hardness rubbed against Harry before he very slowly pushed inside; burning through Harry in the best possible way. He moved with slow, strong strokes. Draco pulled back and angled his body before slamming back into Harry at an alarming speed, leaving him breathless. "Fuck, Draco" Harry moaned as he dug blunted fingernails into Draco's back. He wondered briefly if Draco knew just how well he was playing his body; just how good it felt to be under him; how defenseless and vulnerable he made him feel.

Draco could feel Harry's warmth squeezing around his cock. He quickly picked up the pace seeking more. Faster and harder their bodies collided together; no coherent thought or word could be discerned between the two. Need, hunger and lust drove through them. Draco felt himself unraveling thread by thread. He rested his forehead slick with sweat on Harry's shoulder, reaching between them to stroke Harry and seconds later he came pulsating into the deepest depth that was Harry. The sensation of that pushed Harry over the edge and he moaned loudly spilling himself all over their chests.

Draco opened his eyes in shock as they both came back to the earth. He looked down at the impossibly green eyes listlessly staring at him under dark eyelashes and felt something catch in his chest. "Potter. I think I might be in love with you.", he said breathlessly before kissing Harry's forehead. He slowly extracted himself from Harry's body and collapsed behind the other man, pulling him close as if his life depended on it.

He stared at Harry and himself lying in bed. He floated above the two of them, smiling. Back then, things were easy. They were so peaceful, so in love, limbs tangled in a tight embrace as if they were the only two people left in the world. He wondered if he would ever have that naive innocence again. Draco snapped to attention when he realized that something was terribly wrong. The memory began to melt away, the scene before him dissolving into nothingness. He couldn't recall what he had just been looking at before being pulled away. He came to rest again, his mind was rattled, but he intently watched the scene before him.

It was a cold winter's day. His gaze landed on the two of them strolling in Muggle London. They were without glamours because here they could be themselves. Just Draco and just Harry.

Draco noticed the delight in his lover's eyes as he spotted an antique store. He rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's newfound obsession. Harry flashed a smile and moved to go into the store. Draco firmly planted his feet into the ground, refusing to move. Harry frowned momentarily and then walked back to where Draco was standing with a devious smirk. He stood and captured Draco's lips in a body melting kiss that left them both breathless and quite warm despite the freezing temperature outside. At that moment, Draco knew he was powerless to protest and allowed himself to be pulled into the store, the door chime jingling behind them.

"Potter, this is useless, broken junk. Why would you want any of this filth?", he said eyeing the objects with visible disgust.
"It's not junk, you stuck up arse!", Harry retorted playfully hitting Draco's arm.
"It absolutely is junk. If you want something new love, I'll gladly buy it. Come now. Tell daddy Draco what you'd like," Draco purred pulling Harry to him and grinding their middles together. The store owner eyed the two over his glasses. The old man shook his head in disapproval and returned to the paper he was reading.

"Stop!" Harry whispered while sending just a tiny bit of wandless electricity into Draco's side. Draco laughed and raised his hands in forfeit. Harry turned back to the clock he was eyeing before. "This is the one." He dusted off the clock's face and carried it proudly to the register.

Lucius and Narcissa watched as Draco thrashed on the bed, tears streaming down his face. He was crying out nonsensical words; desperately trying to fight the spell. Lucius gently led his wife out the door and to their own chambers.

Draco was dragged through memory after memory of their love. Each one melting in the end; a part of his heart dying with each loss. Until finally, he was left in that last one. The one that meant the most. The one that ended it all...

Harry tumbled out of the floo, nausea taking him over. He groaned and tried to steady himself and his swirling vision.
"I hate the floo", he grumbled. He heard rustling upstairs. "Draco", he said to himself with a smile. Draco was home early. He bounded up the stairs and opened the door to the bedroom. He was frozen in place seeing Draco standing over an open suitcase, his other bags sitting by the door.

"What are you doing?" Draco whirled around as if he had been caught red-handed. "I'm leaving, what does it look like?"
"Leaving?"
"Yes, leaving Potter. Isn't that what I just said?"

"Why?" Harry asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Draco slammed the suitcase shut. "This was never going to work out. You knew this would end eventually. You know who I am. I have obligations. My father already signed the contract."

"So that's it then? You're just going to walk out? After two bloody years?"
"You wouldn't understand. You don't have any parents to answer to. No family depending on you. The whole Malfoy line is in my hands. You don't know what kind of responsibility that is."

"I don't know anything about responsibility?" Harry asked in disbelief. "You know why I don't have any parents? Why I have no family? Because they were murdered trying to protect me. You want to talk about responsibility? You only have a duty to one family. I've had the entire wizarding world's destiny in my hands since I was one year old Draco. One! Don't you dare talk to me about responsibility Draco."

"I don't have a choice."

"That's a load of shit and you know it. There's always a choice Draco. Was it all a lie then? Was I just a temporary fuck until they sold you off to the highest bidder?"

Harry didn't even recognize the person standing in front of him. The person he fell in love with was gone. Buried deep underneath the skin, suffocating under the person Draco was now determined to become. Perhaps who he rightfully should have been all along if they hadn't fallen in love. Harry closed his eyes tightly wishing this all away.

"I must be a fool. A spectacular idiot. Because I actually thought you loved me. I thought this was real."
"Harry. Please try to understand. I never wanted to hurt you. I do love..."
Harry backed away from Draco shaking his head.

"No. Don't even say it. You don't know what love is. You'll always be a cruel heartless bastard, just like your father."

Harry turned to face the wall; willing the tears now freely flowing down his face to stop as well as forcing himself not to turn around. Because if he had to watch Draco walk out the door, there was a good chance that he would never be able to move again.

He turned and took one last glance at Harry's defeated figure staring at the wall. He thought he should say more, but he couldn't think of anything that could make this better. Nothing would ever make this better.

"You deserve more than I can give you." Draco stated softly and left.

Draco woke with a start finding himself in his room, alone in his bed; his pale lashes coated with tears. He couldn't remember how he had gotten there, but he assumed the house elves had taken him to bed. His body felt weak and his heart empty. He peeled off his sweat soaked trousers and shirt, discarding them to the floor. After some time, he eventually fell into a restless sleep.