I didn't leave my bedroom at all the next day. I locked my door and ignored any signs of life from outside of it. Gunther had stopped by, and I had heard him knocking for a good fifteen minutes, but I couldn't face him. Not after what he had said to me last night. I trusted Gunther more than anyone, and him telling me not to go near Erwin had hurt me more than I wanted to admit. Even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't help but want Erwin. I was happy when I was around him. Even seeing him from across a crowded room made my day a million times better. I'd confined in Gunther with everything - he knew I'd never been with anyone before, and him telling me that Erwin shouldn't be my first made me doubt my motives. Was it really that wrong if I was falling for him? Why would Gunther think for a minute that Erwin would hurt me? How would Gunther react if I told him it had happened? I knew that as soon as I saw him, he'd question me about my feelings, and want to know everything, and I just couldn't tell him. I didn't know how to.

I rolled over in my bed and glanced at the clock on the wall. 5pm. I had spent all day laying in my own sadness and any minute now the alarms for dinner would ring out. I crawled out of bed to the mirror, staring into my own red, puffy eyes. I don't know how many hours I'd cried over the last 24, but it was enough to ruin my appearance. I threw on my hoodie and went down to the kitchen early so at least nobody would stare at me when I entered. I sat on the table in the darkest corner, my hood up, staring at the dull wood, hoping that nobody would realise it was me, or that I was even there.

Hope doesn't get you far. Gunther and Aurou walked in laughing together, and our eyes met as I looked up from under my hood. Unluckily for me, they came over to my table, Gunther sitting directly across from me and studying my face. His eyebrows furrowed and he glanced over at Aurou.

"Can you give us a moment, Aurou?"

He nodded, confused, and went to sit with Eld, a soldier who had been there a few years longer than us, but who accepted all of us straight away. Gunther put his hand onto my arm, and I looked back up at him to see a worried and sympathetic face staring back at me.

"Petra, what's wrong? You...you've been crying."

"I don't want to talk about it Gunther. Not now."

"Something's obviously wrong. You know you can talk to me, right? That's what I'm here for. All we've got is each other. And Aurou now, apparently", he chuckled, but when I didn't laugh with him, his face fell back into a frown. "It's not what we spoke about yesterday is it? The mission? I'm sure Erwin won't mind if you back out? If you're worried?

I looked at him, and he read me like a book without me having to say a word. My eyes started to water again and my bottom lip was trembling, and no matter what I did, I couldn't stop it.

Gunther's other hand reached out to me so both hands were squeezing my arms tight.

"It's him, isn't it Petra. Not the mission." Gunther whispered.

A single tear rolled down my face as I nodded. Gunther looked down, and I don't think he knew what to say.

"Petra...have you...you know..." he mumbled, biting his cheek and closing his eyes. I could tell he was disgusted in me, disappointed somehow, and I burst into tears, my breaths catching in my throat. It was a feeling I was used to today.

"I-I...we kissed, Gunther, that's it! Nothing more! We kissed, and laid there together and...I'm happy - he makes me happy, and I...I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're thinking! I wouldn't do that! We-we-"

"I get it." Gunther murmured, cutting me off, and my tears kept flowing hysterically. He had set me off and I couldn't stop.

"Petra...are you happy? With your decision? I know you say you are - but are you really happy that he's your first kiss? I guess I'm a hypocrite to ask that, because my first kiss meant nothing, but he's your Commander, Petra. Without sounding like a dick, he's the first man to give you attention in that way and you've taken it like that's the perfect relationship. I know this is new to you, and I know it might seem perfect, but from experience, trust me, you'll kiss a lot of people before you find the right one. I just don't want you to risk these meaningless kisses with someone who can destroy your career. Again, without sounding like a dick, are you sure he's not just using you for whatever it is he wants you to do on this mission?"

His words stung like a poisonous needle and for a brief second, my tears halted.

"He wouldn't use me." I whispered. My words were meant to come out stronger, but when I tried to say them, they would only come out as a weak croak.

"He likes me Gunther. I know he does. He's a good man...you should know that. He wouldn't do that to me. It's not because he's the fir-...I know how I feel about him. If I can be with him then I don't care about my caree-"

Gunther suddenly cut over me, a bold shout to make sure I'd stop talking.

"So no run tonight then? Man, Petra you suck, I really needed to get my legs working you know?"

I looked at him, confused, a few lonesome tears still in my eyes, and when I looked to my right, I saw Erwin stood there. I quickly wiped away my tears, although I knew my eyes would still be two small puffed out holes. He caught sight of me from under my hood, and his eyes darted between me and Gunther, then to Gunther's hands on my arms, and his eyes narrowed. He sat down on the bench seat next to me and rested his palms on the desk. He was well dressed today, his shirt neatly ironed, his hair perfectly slicked back. He looked almost picturesque. Erwin stared right through Gunther as if he was nothing but a bother when he spoke to him.

"Gunther, I'd like a minute with Petra."

Gunther glanced at me with a worried frown, and I nodded at him to tell him it was fine. He was reluctant to move, and it wasn't until I spoke his name that he nodded back to me and walked over to Eld's table, not taking his eyes off Erwin as he got up.

When Gunther had gone, Erwin put his hand on my leg under the table, where he knew nobody could see.

"You've been crying." he said, speaking the obvious aloud, squeezing my thigh and running his hand up and down it. All I wanted was to rest my head on his shoulder and let it all out, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it here, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't tell him that he's the reason I've been crying all day. His other hand rested on my back, and it was now that I was truly glad I picked the darkest table in the room. I needed this from him. I needed to know that he really did want me. I needed to prove Gunther wrong. He cared. I knew he cared.

"There's a big meeting tomorrow, about the mission. Everyone involved will be there, and we'll be having a briefing and going through the plan. We're leaving next week."

I looked up at him, eyes wide. I didn't think it would be taking place so soon. I didn't know if I was ready. I wanted to enjoy these moments of bliss with him before things could potentially change forever.

"Don't you worry about it. I'll come by your room later tonight. I'll talk to you about it in private, when we're alone together." he winked, and with one last squeeze of my thigh, he got up, and walked to his table with the other squad leaders.

Eld, Aurou and Gunther all turned to look at me as soon as Erwin got back to his seat, and I faked the best smile I could, pushing away my food and standing up to go back to my room. Suddenly, I wasn't hungry any more.

Gunther's words rang in my ears as I walked back upstairs.

"Are you sure he's not just using you for whatever it is he wants you to do on this mission?"