A/N: Wow, UKReader, that was unexpected :) Love it, let's roll :)
A/N#2: This chapter is a bow to one of my favourite films: "Other People's Money" :D I love everything about it, don't let me start on it :) I can go on for days!
That time when Thorin cupped his ball sac, while Wren counted to ten.
"Erebor is ours again, my brothers!" The Dwarves answered with cheers and roaring to Thorin's speech, and he almost felt tears roll on his eyes from warmth he felt towards them. "The beast is dead! Let us explore Erebor and see our treasure, for it is finally to return into Dwarven possession!" More cheers and saluting exploded, but Thorin noticed that two people were not joining the exultation. The hobbit stood a bit to the side, a frown on his round face, while the thief was sitting on the same boulder they were just laughing together on, her lips twisted in a wry smile. Thorin turned away from them and gestured widely at the secret door, "My brothers, let us return to the home we have reclaimed!" The Dwarves who had jumped on their feet when he started talking agreed loudly and enthusiastically and headed inside. The hobbit was the last to pass by Thorin, while the thief remained on the rock.
Thorin wanted to go in, to see the halls, to breathe the air of his lost and reclaimed home. He couldn't wait to cleanse it of dragon stench and return Erebor to its old glory, but the memories of her body pressed to his were still fresh in his mind, and the elation of the day was still coursing in his blood, and he stepped over his pride and fell behind his companions. Balin walking before the burglar caught his eyes and nodded to him slightly. Thorin understood that the old Dwarf was telling him they would wait for him, wouldn't go in deeper without him, and he nodded in return. He just needed to deal with the odd behaviour of the stubborn woman, and he surely had very little time for it. He felt impatient, and yet he made an effort.
"Wren?" He sounded as irked as he felt.
"Yes, sweetpea?" She gave him an exaggeratedly attentive and polite look, and he gritted his teeth. He wanted to bark her to pick up her adorable backside and march inside, but he knew by now that such approach would wield sad results. He took a deep breath in.
"Would you please accompany me inside?" He wondered if his attempted smile looked like a snarl. Her lips twitched sarcastically, and he prepared for a snarky answer, but then her face softened, and she simply shook her head. "Wren..." His tone was menacing, she stood up and started rocking on the heels of her feet. The gesture was strangely unbecoming her usually collected self.
"I won't. I am leaving. Just like I said before." He opened his mouth, but she didn't let him talk. "Let's not start the discussion. I have gotten everything I wanted out of this adventure. I helped you get your mountain back, I got the gold, and I had my night." She lifted her eyes she previously kept on the ground, and he saw them emotional for an instant, but immediately cold and her gaze unreadable. "I'm leaving, sweetpea. I don't fare well in established settlements, and you obviously can't wait to clean up your home." He cringed, she talked of Erebor as if of a village house. He had patience for one more polite line.
"Wren, I want you to stay. To.. be with me. Whatever we thought were the obstacles for us still remain true, but I'm willing to set upon resolving our differences." Her eyebrows jumped up, and suddenly she laughed.
"Is that how you see it? That we can't be together," the last word was pronounced venomously, "because we are different?! Let me get this straight, is that about you being a King and me being a petty thief? Or you being a glorious Heir of Durin while I am, pitifully, of Men?" He was holding on to the shreds of self-control. She dared talking derisively to him!
"All of the above. Surely, you wouldn't argue..."
"I don't want to stay with you!" She interrupted him, and he froze with his mouth half open. "It's not about you deighing to an undeserving woman, it's me not wanting to stay locked in your mountain. All the gold in Erebor can't keep me here! And all of the majesticness of your cock wouldn't keep me in your bed!" He stepped to her and grabbed her upper arm.
"You spoke words of love to me in the vent room!" She jerked her chin up.
"And I am not taking them back. But I never promised to be your slave." He couldn't believe it!
"Is that how you see it? I am offering you the place beside me!"
"Will I be allowed to leave when I wish to?" Her voice was bitter, and he snarled.
"In the reasonable limits, of course."
"And whose reasoning will it be? Yours? And what about me burgling and robbing? Will I be allowed to do it?"
"You won't have to!" He couldn't understand, she was talking nonsense! "You can share into my wealth!"
"I don't want wealth! I love burgling and robbing and conning and drugging fools and clobbering them to the heads with vases! It has always been my choice, and mine alone!" It should have been the end of the conversation, but he couldn't let her go. He was Khazad, he was taught to find his One, and Mahal help him he had. Surely, she was supposed to see reason! And he did what came naturally but was the worst mistake. He shook her and growled at her, his face close to her wide open eyes.
"I am tired of your palaver, woman! Gather your wits and understand what is offered to you! I will not tolerate your insolence! You will stay even if I have to chain you! You will do as I say even if..."
He didn't get a chance to finish his threat since she skillfully kneed him. The pain was excruciating, she knew what she was doing. He let go of her hand and sank on the ground with a low groan. A dagger was near his throat, and he stared at her in disbelief. And that was the woman who not longer than half an hour ago was sobbing in his arms calling him "malansun," my beloved, and "hedan karadi" the key to my heart, peppering his face with kisses!
"Listen to me, Thorin Oakenshield, and listen very attentively. I do not owe you anything. What happened in the vent room was just another adventure of mine, and I enjoyed it immensely, but it ends here. And you are never to order me again, are we clear?" She pressed harder, and he felt blood trickle down his neck from the cut. He clenched his jaw. He could certainly overpower her, but he still couldn't conceive what was happening. "And more so, I expected gratitude from you. Perhaps the bag I gathered for myself is too small, since I am not getting the reward for my heart," she sneered at him, "Such as heartfelt thank-you's and much obliged's." She pressed the blade up, under his jaw, making him look up and into her burning eyes. They were the brightest green he had ever seen in his life, "As for calling me "a woman," as if it were to insult me, I want you to cup your balls now and repeat after me..." His brows jerked up, and she pressed the blade harder. It was starting to sting. "Cup. Your. Balls. I am counting to ten, and if I don't like what I see I might consider them unworthy of remaining on your glorious body. One… Two… " He had a choice of listening to her, or trying to lunge at her, potentially hurting her or both of them, or continuing to glare at her. They were alone, and she was very, very angry. "Three… Four..." He dropped his hand of his private parts. She gave him a distorted venomous grin, "Good. And now repeat after me, The fact that I have something dangling between my legs doesn't make me superior to the person who happens to have tits and gave me my Kingdom back." Their gazes were locked for a few seconds, and then he dropped his eyes. She had won.
"The fact that I have something dangling between my legs doesn't make me superior… to the person who gave me my Kingdom back." He emitted the tits part, but she nodded and stepped back from him.
She pushed the dagger into a scabbard on her belt, calmly picked up the bag she had brought from the treasury, and left without looking back. He wiped the blood from his throat and heavily got up. It was time to enter Erebor and be the King he was. The chapter of his story with a small red haired thief in it was done.