Also Titled: Comic Relief and Crossdressing
Arthur cursed under his breath and looked up at the sky to see if there was any chance the downpour might stop. A crack of thunder let him know that it would rain for awhile yet. The poor Nelwyn was soaked through and he'd had to take the baby out of her papoose and hold her to keep her from getting wet. With a sigh of relief he stumbled out of the forest and onto a Daikini road. Up ahead he could see a rough looking inn. Roderich, who had taken refuge from the rain inside the papoose with Gilbert, poked his head out and immediately cried, "Ve are NOT going in zhere!"
"But Lilli needs fresh milk, and we're drenched!" Arthur reasoned.
"You are not in command here, Shorty, I am!" Arthur walked on anyway which only enraged his guide. "Are you listening to me?! You-WHOA!" Roderich lost his balance and fell back into the papoose, effectively silencing him.
Arthur slowly climbed up the steps to the inn and walked inside. A boxing match was taking place in the middle of the floor and a swarm of drunken Daikini blocked Arthur at every turn. He tried to sidestep these giants while looking for a woman who might help him. He finally found a gaudily dressed lady and approached her, "Excuse me? Excuse me!" The woman glared at him stonily. Arthur gulped and patted Lilli's back, "Could you spare some milk for this poor, hungry baby?"
Her face twisted into a snarl and she grabbed some lettuce from a nearby bowl. "Get outta here, peck!" she screeched, throwing the lettuce in his face. Others joined in,
"Get outta here or we'll cook ya!"
"Scram, you runt!"
Arthur quickly retreated until he was safe underneath some stairs that lead to the second floor of the inn. He unwrapped Lilli and laid her down on some soft straw. She looked so hungry, where was he going to find some milk for her? Unnoticed by Arthur, Gilbert poked his head out of the papoose and whistled appreciatively at a young woman leaning against a wall.
"Look at her! Ksesese, I could use a love potion on her!" He grabbed a pouch hanging around Roderich's neck and tugged viciously. "Roderich, hey! Give me zhat dust of broken hearts!" Roderich tried to pull it back but Gilbert was stubborn.
"It's very dangerous. It belongs to zhe faeries!" Roderich shouted. With a final tug Gilbert pulled both of them out of the papoose and they dropped to the ground with a yell.
"Quiet! Do you want to get us all killed?" Arthur hissed.
Gilbert groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes as some dust from the pouch spilled into the air. He staggered away sneezing and disoriented.
Roderich watched him and groaned, "Oh, Gilbert! Alvays playing vith zhose faerie love potions. You'll fall in love vith the first female you see you know!"
"Meow?"
They both gasped when a cat appeared from between two crates, Roderich in fear and Gilbert in adoration.
The albino Brownie staggered towards the she-cat, "You are so beautiful!" he sighed. "Your eyes! Your whiskers! I have to kiss you!" He held out his arms to embrace the confused cat.
Roderich tried to warn him, he really did. "Gilbert! Stay back! Oh, that stupid dust of broken hearts!"
Gilbert screamed as the cat swatted him so forcefully that he flew through the air and landed on a nearby table. He scrambled to his feet only to trip into a barrel leaning against the table. He quickly swam to the top and spit out the beverage before realizing what exactly he'd fallen into.
"BEER!" He happily fell back into the barrel.
Arthur and Roderich flinched as some Daikini started pulling out whips and crude weapons to fight one another with. Some just grabbed chairs and threw punches.
"Zhese people are crazy! Zhis could be bad!" Roderich shrieked before hiding back in the papoose. Arthur scooped up the baby and pressed against the wall, only for the wood to give way. He cried out as he fell back into a room that probably belonged to the innkeeper. A seedy looking lady, the innkeeper's wife no doubt, ignored this intrusion and seemed to be focused on a person in the corner of the room. "Hurry! If my husband finds you he'll kill us both."
The figure turned around to reveal… Alfred F. Jones in a pink dress complete with fake breasts.
"How do I look?" he asked.
"Cover your face!" the woman replied.
"Not you!" Arthur moaned.
Alfred heard him and looked down at the Nelwyn incredulously. "Where the hell did you come from?" he demanded.
Arthur gritted his teeth. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!"
Roderich poked his head out. "Don't I know you?" he asked. Alfred glared at him and grabbed a scarf to cover his face. "I stole zhe baby from you, Daikini, vhile you vere taking a pee-pee!"
"You are crawling with Brownies," Alfred muttered in reply. The lady heard him and looked at Arthur. She screamed and backed away. "I hate Brownies!"
Roderich laughed and stuck out his tongue as he thoroughly enjoyed his power but it was short lived. A tall man with a massive beer belly slammed the door open and tottered inside. Arthur hid in the corner and watched Alfred hide behind the woman.
"WHERE IS HE?! WHERE?!" the drunkard shouted.
His wife coaxingly smiled and answered, "There's nobody here but me and, uh, my, uh… my cousin, Hilda."
Arthur tried to keep from laughing at the ridiculous name. Hilda?! What on earth had Alfred and the wife done to have to hide from the man? Oh… wait… nevermind.
The woman continued, "Hilda, this is my husband, Llug."
Llug seemed to find Alfred very attractive and, seeing as he was so drunk he forgot his wife was right there, he reached out to grab his "breasts". Thinking quickly, Alfred sidestepped him and ran to Arthur. Arthur yelled as Alfred snatched Lilli from his grasp. "Give her back ya slimy git!"
"Pecks make such terrible nursemaids," Alfred said in a falsetto voice.
"Nursemaid?!" Arthur echoed indignantly. Alfred glared and kicked Arthur onto his back.
Gilbert had finally left his barrel and accidentally stumbled into the room. He spotted Arthur.
"Excuse me! Are ve having a party? Ksesesese!" Arthur grabbed him and stuffed him into the papoose. "Hey! Let me go! Hey, hey! Fight like a man!" Gilbert protested.
Alfred wasn't having an easier time than Arthur. Llug was still advancing on him, laughing lewdly.
"Wanna breed?" Llug asked.
"Tempting, but no," Alfred answered, backing towards the door. He'd almost reached it when it slammed open again but this time black clad soldiers entered. They grabbed everyone inside, including Arthur, and dragged them out with the rest of people at the inn. People screamed as these menacing men blocked all the exits and brandished lethal weapons. Arthur struggled and fought against the man holding him but he was no match for the black-caped soldier. "Gather up all these babies!" he heard one man shout. Lilli! Where was she?! He spotted Alfred and ran to his side once the man holding him let go.
"Let me see that baby's arm," a cool voice demanded. Alfred spun around and saw a girl inspecting another woman's child. "That's not the one," she said. A soldier pushed them out of the way and the girl's eye fell on Alfred. He instinctively held the babe closer in his arms as she marched up to him. "You! Are you the mother of that child?"
"Yes, yes I am."
A raised eyebrow. "Let me see it."
Arthur spoke up, "NO! Don't let her- AH!" The woman's foot shot out and she viciously kicked him aside, much harder than Alfred had done. Alfred glared at her even though the scarf hid his features.
She turned back to Alfred. "I gave you an order, woman!" She reached for Lilli but he jabbed her back with his elbow. Two soldiers drew their swords and pointed them at his throat. The girl ripped of her helmet and Alfred gaped. Her beautiful features and long, platinum blonde hair captivated his attention.
"You- You're…beautiful!"
Arthur facepalmed. The git had used his real voice!
"And you're very strong," the girl commented, edging closer to him.
"Thank you."
With a sneer she ripped off his scarf. Everyone could now see his masculine features. "You're no woman!"
Llug saw this and immediately flew into a rage. "NOT A WOMAN?!"
Alfred shrugged and looked at the soldiers. "Gentlemen, meet Llug." He dove to the side just as the drunkard barreled into them and knocked them all over. Arthur ran after Alfred and they both tried to sneak upstairs in the confusion, but the girl saw.
"After them! To the horses!" she ordered her men.
Alfred made it to the second floor deck first and without pausing an instant he leapt from the balcony and landed in a wagon. The men loading it with barrels backed off in surprise and Alfred used it to his advantage to set the baby down in the back and grab the reins.
"Alfred, wait!" Arthur yelled as he jumped from the balcony. He just managed to land on the cart before the warrior urged the horses into a gallop. Roderich and Gilbert fell from the papoose and rolled across the cart. Arthur sat up with a groan, noticing vaguely that the rain had finally stopped, and managed to make out several voices behind them through the ringing in his ears.
"To your horses!"
"Hyah!"
"HE'S NOT A WOMAN!"
Looking back he saw three horsemen and two more in a small chariot in pursuit. He tried to crawl towards Lilli but the git was driving too crazily. "Alfred, stop!" he cried. The brownies were having trouble too, they couldn't keep their feet as the wagon bounced about. "Alfred! I'm warning you- OW!" Alfred had taken an apple (presumably it had been one of his "breasts") and thrown it at Arthur's head to silence him.
"Prepare to die!" Gilbert shouted at two of the riders as they came up on either side of the cart. One soldier jumped from his horse to the cart bed while the other shot at Alfred with his bow. Alfred let go of the reins and scooted off the bench, landing at the feet of the other attacker just before the arrow whizzed by the place his head should have been. The soldier raised his sword but Alfred kicked him in the chest and he stumbled next to Arthur. This gave Alfred enough time to find a wooden pole resting in the cart and swing it at the man's jaw. The blow sent the soldier flying out of the cart and for a moment Arthur was impressed by how strong he was.
The archer, seeing his fallen comrade, jumped into the wagon as well. Alfred hit him with the pole but the man batted it aside with his own sword. As the sparred, Gilbert tried to step in and jab the enemy's foot but soon gave up and hid between two barrels that had been tied down.
With a gasp Arthur realized that no one was steering the bloody cart! "Alfred! Stop!" he uselessly yelled again. The horses, being somewhat intelligent, stuck to the road but they were still going too fast. With a sigh he crawled to the front bench and looked for the reins. They'd fallen off onto the pole connecting the cart to the harness. Gulping, he started edging towards them.
The soldier fighting Alfred managed to bend him almost backward over the side of the cart in an attempt to fling him off. A well aimed punch from the blond made him stagger back in pain and Alfred sprang on him ruthlessly. Gilbert was retching out a hole in the wicker wall of the wagon, the rocking and all the beer he had drunk getting to him. He didn't notice how precarious his position was, leaning out of the speeding cart so far.
Arthur, still reaching for the reins, glanced up the road and gasped again when he saw that a slim tree had fallen over the path. It wasn't big enough to deter the horses but it would give the cart once heck of a-
The massive jolt sent Arthur flying over the bench and onto the pole where the reins were and Gilbert over the side. The Brownie clung to the the wicker siding and started screaming for help. "Roderich, help me!"
Roderich didn't know where his idiot partner was and danced around the two brawling men. "Gilbert!" he called.
"Help meeeeee!"
The pitiful wail came from beyond the two barrels. Roderich finally reached the hole Gilbert had fallen through and looked down in surprise. "Gilbert! Vhat are you doing?!" He muttered things like "idiot" and "imbecile" under his breath while he pulled him back into the wagon.
Arthur managed to grab the reins and pulled himself back onto the bench towards safety… as safe as one could be on an out of control cart with two brawling Daikini that is. He paused to briefly check on Lilli (she seemed to be enjoying all the action) before he noticed the last horseman ride up and jump on the cart. The man ignored Alfred and the other soldier and made straight for the baby. Arthur grabbed a wooden mallet from the bottom of the cart and faced him.
"You can't have her!" he shouted. The man smirked and jabbed at him with his spear but missed. Arthur hit him in the gut and then on the chin, making the soldier stagger back. A low tree branch finished the job by knocking him off the wagon.
Without warning the back wooden wheels splintered and broke, turning the wagon into a sledge. The Brownies clung to the barrels but Arthur hit his head against the bench as the wagon tilted backwards and was stunned. Lilli whimpered as he lay beside her, unmoving.
Alfred and his enemy had been pitched off the wagon. He'd managed to grab one of the ropes trailing behind but he couldn't climb up since the soldier was holding onto his legs. It seemed that if the man was going down, he would drag Alfred with him.
Gilbert snickered as the Daikinis were dragged behind the wagon but Roderich slapped him upside the head. "Gilbert, zhis isn't funny!" He looked at the barrels and an idea came to him. "Help me cut the rope holding zhe barrels!" he commanded, pulling out his knife. While they hacked at it the soldier was able to grab the other side of the wagon. He and Alfred punched at one another in an attempt to knock each other off. The ropes were finally cut and the barrels rolled down the wagon. With a yelp of pain the soldier tumbled off the wagon as they collided with his face. Alfred wearily climbed back up and stared at the Brownies incredulously.
A throwing star whistled past his head and jolted him back to awareness. The horses had slowed down and now the chariot had caught up with them. The soldier not driving pulled out a wicked looking mace and swung it at Alfred. He ducked and grabbed the pole again, using it to defend himself.
Arthur woke up with a startled groan. He saw the men fighting and noticed a split in the road, he urged the horses to take the right path and for a moment they were safe when the chariot took the left path. The paths blended into one again though and the man with the mace swiped dangerously close to Arthur. It embedded itself into the bench and the man was forced to release it.
"Stay down, Arthur!" came Alfred's curt command.
Instead, Arthur pulled back hard on the reins and the horses came to a sudden halt. The chariot flew by them for a dozen yards before turning around to face them. Alfred glared at Arthur and snatched the reins from him. "Have you gone crazy?!" he snapped.
"You can't go chasing around with Lilli like this!" Arthur yelled back. "We're getting off!"
Alfred shot him a look of disbelief and urged the horses into a gallop. It happened so quickly that Arthur was tipped off the bench and landed next to Lilli again. She started crying and Arthur tried to comfort her, telling her that Alfred was a good warrior and that he would save them (not that he really believed it).
Since he was doing this, he didn't get to see the "greatest warrior" pull the mace loose and lead the cart towards the oncoming chariot. He swung it over his head, the chain whistling in the air and the ball becoming a blur. Using his other hand, he guided the cart to the right side of the road and once they were close enough, he flung the weapon at the charioteer. The mace snapped the man's neck and he fell off, dead. The other man yelled as the horses, now out of control, slammed the chariot into a tree and tipped it over.
After traveling a few more yards, Alfred finally pulled the wagon to a stop. Poor Gilbert was so dizzy he tumbled off the wagon bed and onto the road. "Oh Gilbert…" Roderich sighed, flinging his hands up into the air.
"Now we stop, peck!" Alfred said. He jumped from the wagon, a bit clumsily since he was still wearing that dress.
"Stupid Daikini," Roderich muttered, helping Gilbert to his feet.
"Ask him to stop zhe wagon," Gilbert slurred.
Arthur ground his teeth but held his peace until he'd grabbed Lilli and hopped down. "You never drive that fast with an infant!" he lectured.
Alfred froze, pure indignation written all over his face. "I just saved that infant's life!" He pointed at the bundle in Arthur's arms briefly before wiping away a smear of blood at the corner of his mouth. Arthur stood there, unsure, while Alfred gathered some apples from the wagon and then slapped the horse's side, sending them galloping away again. Wordlessly Alfred pulled Arthur off the road and into some nearby bushes. Roderich followed but turned back fearfully when he realized that Gilbert had not followed.
Gilbert had fallen down again, too dizzy to stand. To make matter worse, more of Ivan's soldiers were thundering down the road.
"You idiot! Get out of the road!" Roderich shouted.
The albino Brownie screamed as the hooves of a dozen horses came within inches of smearing him into the ground, but miraculously he wasn't hurt. Alfred watched the riders pass out of sight before standing and heading into a nearby field with tall grass. "You better clear out, Arthur. Before those troops come back," he advised.
Arthur nodded dumbly and watched him leave. Alfred was an enigma to him and he didn't know what to think. He'd obviously been too irresponsible to take care of Lilli, but he'd also saved them all with his skills. Roderich and Gilbert were good guides (most of the time) but they wouldn't be much help if they ran into more trouble. Maybe…
"No, we don't need his help, the bloody git," Arthur muttered.
Lilli's face saddened and she started crying once Alfred was out of sight.
Holy crap, this was a long chapter. Intense action scenes like this are my enemy...