Chapter 10

Ezra eagerly sucked on the nipple while Fiona cooed to him as she held both him and the bottle. Ezra firmly clasped the bottle as well, raising his bare feet and bending his knees as if he was trying to hold the bottle with them as well.

"Oooh," Fiona said to the child, "you're a masterful one, aren't you? Tryin' already to take the bottle away from me so you can have control. Don't you worry, wee one, I'm not going to take it away; drink as much as you like."

Cassie looked on disapprovingly. She had lost the goat milk vs cow milk argument and this was Ezra's second bottle of cow's milk that morning and he was doing fine. Adam had paid Cassie double what the cow was worth and also gave her the goat that Fiona had named Tulip. "Every creature deserves a name," Fiona had said. "And maybe a sweet name will fool our noses into thinkin' she smells less like a goat and more like a flower. I saw a tulip once and what a pretty flower it was indeed."

The trade-off of the goat for the cow annoyed Cassie although she had come off monetarily ahead. But her pride had been hurt; she counted herself as knowledgeable about children and men but then she had been proven wrong on both counts and it bothered her. Since Cassie already was jealous of Fiona and how Ezra had so quickly taken to the young woman and had been disappointed with Adam's choice of sleeping arrangements, she was in a foul mood. "Bottle-feeding makes 'em lazy. You watch that he doesn't drink so fast that he makes himself sick and it all comes up again." She turned to Adam who was stirring a spoonful of sorghum into his coffee while he watched Fiona feed Ezra across from him. "You should've left him here another year, Adam. Then he'd not only be walkin' and talkin' but he'd be able to eat the same food as you and you wouldn't need some upstart girl to try to take care of him."

"Who're you callin' an upstart girl? I'll have you know that I can take care of a wee one better'n most and certainly better'n you. Doesn't he have a bit of a rash from being in a wet nappy too long? I put a bit o' cornstarch on his bottom side this change and that'll take care of it fine enough but he never should've got the rash in the first place!"

"All babies get a rash on occasion and remember your place! This is my home and I am the lady of the house..." Cassie was furious.

"Oh, lady indeed," Fiona said, turning her attention back to Ezra. "Just because you're a woman, it don't make you a lady. No lady walks around with her wrapper hangin' open and her teats fallin' out, trollin' for the man in the room."

"Teats is it? Trolling?" Cassie closed her wrapper as she lit into Fiona. "How would you know what teats are since you don't seem to have any? You got to feed the child from a bottle because you're the most flat-chested girl I've ever had the misfortune to meet—the only thing big about you is your saucy arrogance! You couldn't nurse a child or fill the mouth of an eager man with the little bit you've got—that is if any man would ever want you!"

Adam, who was trying to eat his breakfast of side pork and eggs, felt his stomach knot. The argument between the two women was becoming more strident and even Ezra began to twist in Fiona's arms, becoming upset. Adam remembered his father saying that more than one woman in the house always caused trouble. "A house can only be one woman's—and she is the one in charge. If the other woman doesn't kow-tow, well, then someone has to go. It's a bit like a wolf pack." Adam had laughed at the comparison but he felt now that it was true. Adam wondered which she-wolf would end up with her throat ripped out if Cassie and Fiona were together much longer.

"Adam, get this Irish trash out of my house!" Cassie yelled as she motioned with her arm toward the door.

"Irish trash, is it?" Fiona said, her eyes narrowing in anger.

"Enough!" Adam said, slamming his fist down on the table. Ezra jumped in Fiona's arms and began to wail, the nipple falling from his lips. Adam realized that he had behaved just like his father, slamming his fist down on the table to get the attention of the others and making his point with added emphasis.

"Well, I hope you're happy with yourself," Cassie said. "Now you've made Ezra cry."

Fiona stood up, shushing Ezra and bouncing him slightly in her arms, she turned to Adam. "You're going to have to curb that lordly temper of yours, Mr. Cartwright, when you're around the babe. See how you've upset him." Fiona whisked Ezra out of the kitchen, calming him with soft murmurs. Cassie followed Fiona out of the kitchen and Adam stared after them, his jaw set.

"Damn women," he said as he poured himself another cup of coffee. The sooner he, Fiona and Ezra left, the better, he decided. He had already paid Cassie for a whole month even though she had only taken care of Ezra for less than two weeks this round but he wanted to show his appreciation. He promised to repair a loose board in the cowshed and he decided he would do that immediately while Fiona packed Ezra's few items and then they would leave for the Ponderosa. Adam wondered though if he was going from the metaphorical frying pan into the fire. He would have to deal with his family and although Sylvia had seemed to be forgiving and accepting of Ezra, things could change at any time and he feared that her Aunt Polly would work on her as he was sure the older woman would disapprove. And why shouldn't she disapprove? I want to marry her beloved niece and make her the mother of my bastard child. Ezra will be a visible sign of my indiscretion, the result of one afternoon's attempt to crush the boredom of waiting. The child will be a constant reminder.

Adam looked at the uneaten food on his plate. His appetite had left him so he scraped the food into the chipped enamel pan in which Cassie put eggshells and vegetable peelings as well as trimmed fat from cuts of meat for the few pigs she kept at the far corner of the yard. She had only a sow and a few piglets but Adam had told her how to keep them clean and healthy on his last visit when she had shown him the animals. "Luke will have to clean their pen," Cassie had said at the time and Adam thought of how the house and just about everything in it had been given to Cassie just because she had been a friend of Ann's and had taken care of his by-blow. Luke would more than likely slide into his place taking care of the house and permanently into Cassie's bed.

Adam Stood and placed the dishes in the sink and went out back to repair the cowshed so that "Tulip" would have a safe and secure home—and he could with a clear conscience leave Placerville to return to the Ponderosa and whatever waited for him there.

"And can you not knock?" Fiona asked as she was packing Ezra's items. Mamie was sitting on the made bed and playing with Ezra who giggled whenever Mamie placed her new doll on Ezra's chest.

"I don't knock in my own house," Cassie said. "I've just come to make certain you've everything and…to give you a word of warning."

Fiona faced her expecting some threat of bodily injury if she didn't speak more respectfully to "the lady of the house." "A warnin' about what? Because I could give you a warnin' about eternal hellfire and damnation for one such as you." Fiona expected to be slapped—almost welcomed it as then she could defend herself. She had great dislike for Cassie and being young, she wasn't clear about why; she wasn't yet sophisticated enough to analyze her feelings.

"He's a handsome man and knows his way around a woman—if you get my drift." Cassie paused but Fiona looked confused. "I'm talking about Adam Cartwright. Don't fall in love with him—it's easy enough to do, I know that. But I'm warning you—he'll steal your heart with his smile and his voice and that won't even be his intention. I think he doesn't even realize that his voice alone makes a woman warm. You need to know this as I think you're already captured by him." And Cassie waited.

Fiona finally spoke. "You can save your words. I'm Irish and I've been fed blarney me whole life. Mr. Cartwright is my employer and that's all there is to it."

Cassie chuckled. "You're a foolish girl—do you think I can't see your eyes whenever you look at him? I imagine I look the same way." Cassie's voice dropped and she stepped closer. "But I know what he can do with his hands and his tongue to please a woman—you just imagine it don't you?"

Fiona turned her back. "I have to finish packing." Fiona heard Cassie walk out and then she sat heavily on the bed and watched the children playing. She tried to control her breath; it was as if Cassie knew her secret thoughts about Adam Cartwright and then Fiona understood exactly why she disliked Cassie so much—Cassie had known Adam.

The return trip, albeit shorter because he stepped up the two horses to make faster time, was miserable as far as Adam was concerned. Ezra fussed when Fiona sat on the block with him even if she tried to feed him. The child stretched and arched his back and tried to wriggle out of her arms so Adam was relieved when Fiona and Ezra stayed in the back of the wagon. In there, Ezra crawled around and managed to turn over just about everything to try to explore the small area. When he fussed, Fiona tried to placate him by making toys out of some of the items she found. He gave him a spoke from an old wagon wheel and he pounded on the wood floor of the wagon with it making a satisfying noise. And as far as Adam was concerned, Ezra was always either wet or had full diapers—both unpleasant. He realized that babies weren't necessarily cute and cuddly and the smells of urine and the infant sounds of babbling and wailing took him back to when Hoss was born and he had to sleep in the wagon with Inger and Hoss. The best times, as far as Adam was concerned, were when Ezra napped; a sense of serenity and relief fell over the whole wagon then. Fiona usually came out and sat beside Adam until Ezra awoke.

"He's quite a busy one—always lookin' for some mischief," Fiona said trying to make the best of the situation when Adam remarked the second day out that she looked weary. "He's an inquisitive one—into everything. He turned the milk pail over and the cap came off. I managed to right it before it all spilled out. I can't take my eyes off him for a moment and he hates to sleep. I suppose he's afraid he's going to miss something—he fights it."

"Maybe you should sleep a bit before he's up and around again," Adam suggested.

"I think I will, sir. I think I will." Fiona had then crawled into the back and Adam enjoyed the peace knowing that he was the only one awake and that he could enjoy his thoughts and the beauty of the spring day before they stopped to eat the evening meal.

Dinner was pan bread and beans. For Ezra, it was a bottle of cow's milk. The horses and the cow were staked nearby, grazing in the patchy grass. "I think that Ezra should be fed a bit of cereal each night," Fiona said, holding Ezra on her lap while she ate and he held his own bottle. "It would help him sleep better and I fear he's not gettin' enough nourishment from milk alone. This one's always hungry and he reaches out for the bottle before I have it filled even."

"Maybe we should just let him suck straight from the cow's udder," Adam said. He was weary as well. Nights he slept fitfully, waking at every sound. His fear was that the cow would be killed by a cougar or dragged down by wolves so he woke at every sound, his hand going to his rifle. Then the cow would begin to low early in the morning to be milked and that woke him. Half the milk had to be poured out because otherwise it would just be wasted.

Adam had meant to be droll with his remark about the udders but Fiona giggled. It made Adam remember that she was just a young girl, after all.

"Do you think you'll want children of your own one day?" Adam asked her.

"Oh, I'm sure I will," she said as she looked down at Ezra as he greedily sucked on the artificial nipple. "But first I need a husband." She looked up suddenly, blushing. "I didn't mean to make no slight on the child's mother, Mr. Cartwright…I…"

"It's all right. Things are as they are and there's no use in pretending. Besides, I prefer honesty over anything else." He put down his empty plate and poured himself coffee. Fiona preferred a cup of milk.

"Then will you answer me when I ask if you plan to marry anyone in particular, Mr. Cartwright? Ezra's a lovely boy and I would hope that if you marry, the lady would love him as her own. Women are strange about things such as that."

"I hope to make a certain lady my wife and hopefully she'll love him." Adam hadn't told Fiona that Ezra may not even be his child but of no blood to him at all. She didn't need to know as far as he was concerned. It was enough that his family knew—and Sylvia. Adam wondered if she had changed her mind since he had left, if she had time to think on it and decide that she wanted nothing to do with him and his bastard—if Ezra was even his. Adam wasn't aware that Cassie had already told Fiona—unintentionally let it slip—that he may not be Ezra's father.

"Why the child couldn't look more like him," Fiona had said when Cassie had made the remark about Adam stepping up to take responsibility. Fiona had noticed the first time she had seen Ezra how much he resembled Adam in coloring.

Cassie realized she couldn't deny what she had said. "Well, the other man who could be the father looked very much the same—he and Mr. Cartwright could have been twin brothers."

Ezra finished his bottle and Fiona gently cooed to him as he rubbed his eyes with his fists, fighting the drowsiness that began to overwhelm him. He cried intermittently and moved about, kicking the blanket off of himself. Fiona began to sing to him. Adam had heard her hum to him before but now she sang a song that he had never heard, a lullaby of sorts.

"Over in Killarney, many years ago
My mother sang a song to me
in tones so sweet and low
Just a simple little ditty
in her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world if she could sing
that song to me this day

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby…"

The raw emotion of the song grabbed him by the throat. The song prompted a surprisingly overwhelming urge for Sylvia, for the sweetness of her face and the music of her voice and the warmth of her arms. Adam wanted to rest his head against her breasts and hear Sylvia croon to him and stroke his hair and whisper how she loved him; he wanted to cry. He stood and walked over to the horses under the pretense of checking their hooves and his heart ached for Sylvia. Would she still want him and what would he do if she didn't? What if she rejected him? Stop it, boy! You're buying problems that haven't yet happened. Just wait. Sylvia loves you—at least she did when you left and there's no cause to believe she's changed.

Fiona took the sleeping Ezra inside the wagon and when she came back out to clean the dishes, Adam stopped her.

"You get to sleep. I'll clean up," he said.

"Oh, no, sir. I'll do the washin' up." But Adam insisted and Fiona finally agreed and when he was alone, Adam sighed as he went about the chore. It was a full moon and when all was quiet except for the distant howl of a wolf upon occasion, he looked up at what was now a glowing orb and thought again of Sylvia. He wondered if she was looking at the moon as well and thinking of him but he laughed at himself. That was something for poetry, two distant lovers being joined by their mutual admiration of the moon. And he soon crawled into his bedroll and fell asleep.