why am I not studying I hate myself
)o(
I instinctively grab Katniss's wrist, hoping she won't do anything rash, my own eyes wide in shock. But, like everyone else, my sister seems frozen by unspeakable horror.
I know any move I would make toward Darius, any act of recognition, would only result in punishment for him. So we just stare into each other's eyes. Darius, now a mute slave; me, headed for an uncertain, but surely dangerous future, my sister likely doomed in my stead. What would we say, anyway? That we're sorry for the other's lot? That we ache for the other's pain? That we're glad we had the chance to know each other?
But he can't, shouldn't be glad to have known me. I should have stopped Thread. Should not let him risk all for Katniss. Should not have let the peacekeepers take him. Should have died in the arena and spared everyone the pain my survival has brought down on us.
Darius would not be an avox, had he never stepped in. Our avox. Placed here to taunt me, to disturb Katniss before she is thrown into some unholy pit to fight for her life.
My sister makes a strangled sound at the back of her throat, half sob, half curse, and wrenches from my grasp, fleeing to her room.
I follow her and we lie on her bed side by side, our fingers intertwined and not speaking a word, shock rendering us as mute as the Capitol torture has done to Darius.
Katniss knows him better, I am the reason anyone in my life became a target in the first place. We have no words of comfort for each other.
When Effie eventually calls us for dinner, I help Katniss wash the makeup from her face, then slipping off my Mockingjay dress as she rids herself of the jumpsuit. Dressed in comfortable clothes, mine to big as they come from Katniss's closet, we join the others.
I try to keep my mind on dinner, on the conversation about the opening ceremony, but all I can think about is somehow showing Darius at least a sign of what I am feeling, of my guilt and anguish. Katniss beats me to it.
She purposely knocks a dish of peas to the floor and, before anyone can stop her, crouches down to clean them up. Darius is right by her when she sends the dish over, and the two are briefly side by side, mostly obscured from view, as they scoop up the peas. But I can see that for just one moment their hands meet. Effie must have seen, too, because suddenly she's clucking at Katniss from behind about how "That isn't your job, Katniss!", an edge to her voice and a slight hint of fear in her eyes, and Darius lets go.
That night, I join Katniss in her room, unable to even bear the idea of sleeping all alone.
My nightmares are no surprise tonight. I dream of Darius, strapped to some table while faceless people work on him, screaming until it turns to some animalistic sound and then nothing, but with eyes still wide, his mouth open with a shriek of agony that won't make a sound. Then I'm in the room they put me after my Games, in bed, needles in my arms, waiting for someone to come, until I finally realise that someone's cowering in the corner, rocking back and forth slowly, red hair streaming down her back."Lavinia,"I say carefully, but as she turns, I realise it is Amber, blood dripping down her chin, her voice taken from her.
I awake to Katniss screaming.
"Sorry, little duck,"she mubles, shaking even as she pulls me into a hug. I hold on to her tightly."It's okay, I was having nightmares anyways."
Checking the time, I realise we have to go to breakfast soon anyways.
Madge, Effie and Haymitch are already at the table as Katniss and I sit down, loading our plates with food. We eat in silence a bit before Haymitch speaks up,"Right, so strategy for training. Two things. One, don't show them what you can do."
Both Katniss and Madge nod at this, as it is pretty selfexplanatroy."And two, make some friends."
"No," Katniss says, as I knew she would. "I don't trust any of them, I can't stand most of them, and I'd rather operate with just me and Madge."
"Katniss, you promised-"I start at the same time as Haymitch sighs in exasperation."You're going to need more allies. Just the two of you, and the Careers can take you out easily. They have you outnumbered. And in terms of sponsors, you rank high, what with little miss youngest victor as your sister, so they'll want you gone quick."
"Then what's the point? No one will want to join us, we're on everyone's hitlist,"she says, clearly meaning Snow. I pipe up again."There's strength in numbers, and other's are just as much on everyone's list as you."
My sister still frowns at us all.
"Please, Katniss,"Madge says quietly, and Katniss relents."All right. I'll try. I just won't like it."
I breath a sigh of relieve."Good enough."
)o(
probably Katniss's POV next chapter maybe
if I survive finals hahahahahahhahaha *sobbing*