AN: Just about made it while it's still Friday. Enjoy
Chapter 10 - Above the City of New York
There is nothing beautiful about grief. There's just not. I know there are countless of examples to the contrary in the world of art. How many breathtaking arias are dedicated to loss and heartbreak? How many heart gripping plots are driven by death and mourning? They are all over the place, we are faced with these mimics of grief and sorrow all the time. - One of the most sold singles ever was a tribute to the deceased Lady Di, may she rest in peace. But when you're faced with real honest grief, when someone you love is bowing under the sheer weight of loss, then the few beats of silence after the death of Mimi, the bittersweet moment when Joshua/Giosuè finds his mother, great moments like that, they evaporate from your thoughts, they seize to exist. Because there is nothing beautiful about that. That is ugly and horrible and it paralyses your heart with helplessness, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do. And grief like that, it doesn't go away. It might diminish, it might lose it's stronghold, but it never goes away. It will always be there, lurking in the shadows. And that is the worst part of it all.
- 2BaBumblebee
It was the end of Blaine's first week of his last year at Juilliard - that is if he chose not to do a master in something, he still wasn't entirely sure. Anyway, it wasn't thoughts of his future that played around in his head that Saturday as he sat on the couch, not really watching whatever was on the TV. It had been an amazing summer. Things with Kurt were going great, his boyfriend was a truly amazing man. They had spent time together almost every day, even if it was just making dinner together at Kurt's after he came back from work. Since the prolonged weekend with the ND group, they had even spent most nights together getting better acquainted with the other's body. The more Blaine got to know his boyfriend, the more amazing he became in Blaine's eyes, many little quirks and all. Their relationship had grown into something much deeper and more real than anything Blaine had ever experienced before, and he was sure Kurt felt the same. Which was why he tried not to be too hurt by Kurt's lacking communication the past week. Blaine hadn't seen his boyfriend since Monday morning, and had mostly only communicated with Kurt trough a few monosyllabic texts. More than anything he was worried something was wrong that he didn't know about. He had contemplated going to Kurt's, but was afraid of appearing too pushy. He'd give it a few more days, he had decided, and then he would act more strongly. As he thought this he took a swig of his rare afternoon beer. A knock sounded on the door, and Wes' head popped up over the half wall separating the living area from the kitchen.
"I'll get it," he said, already heading for the door to the hallway. "Blaine!" Wes called only seconds later, sounding somewhat urgent. Furrowing his brow, Blaine got up from the couch and started to make his way towards the front door when Kurt stepped into the room. His arms were folded protectively around his torso, his cheeks bright red, and his eyes swollen. He was only wearing sweatpants and a worn t-shirt, and his hair was mussed up and untidy. He looked up at Blaine's hardly disguised gasp, and tears welled up in his cloudy eyes.
"Blaine!" He breathed brokenly, reaching for his boyfriend. In seconds, Blaine had him in his arms, and the man crumbled, as if the last of his strength had been sucked out of him.
"Kurt! Hey. What is it, honey?" Blaine folded his arms even tighter as the man just shook his head, ugly sobs forcing their way out of him instead of words. "It's okay, Honey, I've got you. It's gonna be okay." Blaine mumbled, sending Wes a confused, pleading look. Shrugging his shoulders, Wes motioned for the couch, and then made a T with his hands. To him, tea was the solution to all problems. Slowly, Blaine guided Kurt to the couch, managing to get them settled with Kurt laying halfway on top of him, head hidden against his chest, and gripping his t-shirt tightly. By the time Wes came back with two steaming mugs, Kurt's crying had turned truly ugly, gulps of air forcing their way in between hideous sobs. "Kurt honey, you really need to try and breath. Please. Breath with me, my darling," Blaine pleaded, feeling utterly helpless as he stroked his crying boyfriend's back. It took a good ten minutes of deliberately calm breaths and a steady flow of calming words, but finally Kurt's breath started to settle, his sobs to reduce in frequency. Blaine continued his calming motions, giving Kurt space to sort through his emotions.
"I'm sorry," he whispered after few moments, "It's been a tough week. I know I haven't been very... Communicative, and I should have, I really should, it's just. My dad died. Four years ago today. And I thought I needed to be alone, because I did the other years, but I didn't. I needed you." Kurt's voice was broken and rough, marked by days of crying, but otherwise he sounded calm at last.
"Kurt, I..." Blaine started only to be interrupted by Kurt.
"Please don't pity me. Just, please?" Kurt scrambled into a sitting position, looking at Blaine with large eyes.
"Kurt, you are the strongest, most inspiring man i have met. Pity you is the last thing I do right now," Blaine implored, also sitting up, getting face to face with his boyfriend.
"Thank you," Kurt whispered, grabbing Blaine's hand.
"I'm your boyfriend, Kurt. I'm here for you whenever you need me," Kurt smiled even as new tears welled up in his swollen eyes.
"I know," He whispered, squeezing Blaine's hand.
"I am sorry though. I can't even imagine the pain it must have caused, losing as much as you have. I wish there was something i could do to help the pain go away."
"You're already doing it. Just being here, with you, helps." for a moment the two of them just looked at each other, Blaine's thumb brushing back and forth over Kurt's knuckles.
"Wes made tea," Blaine suddenly remembered, prompting the tiniest, most beautiful laugh to bubble from Kurt's lips.
"I love you," Kurt stated as he accepted the mug from Blaine. For a second Blaine froze. Then a mild smile spread all the way to his eyes.
"I love you, too" he said simply as he reached for his own mug, pulled Kurt against his side and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
"You know I'd listen if you ever wanted to talk about them." Kurt didn't reply at first, letting his head fall against Blaine's shoulder, and taking a sip of his tea.
"My dad would have really liked you," he then started. Over the following hour Kurt told Blaine of his parents, and his childhood, little stories muddled together as they came to mind. He talked until there was hardly anything left of his voice, his head resting limply against Blaine's shoulder, eyes closed and body relaxed. Smiling quietly to himself as Kurt's voice drifted of, Blaine, carefully, maneuvered the both of them so that Kurt was laying on the couch. After only a few breaths he was fast asleep.
Blaine sank into the chair beside the couch then, finally letting his own emotions lose. For the longest time he sat with his head in his hands, not exactly crying, while thoughts of the last emotion filled two hours whirled around in his head. Seeing Kurt so broken had shattered Blaine's heart, and he knew it would be a very long time before that memory wouldn't haunt him. But then Kurt had told him he loved him, so casually as if it was the most natural thing in the world - and Blaine instinctively knew how deeply Kurt had meant it, how deeply he himself felt the same. The confession didn't change the memory of Kurt's grief, but it did deepen the meaning of it somehow, involving Blaine in the process in a way he couldn't fully understand. Hearing Kurt's tales had been a privilege, he knew, one that had given him even more insight into the man his boyfriend was. Finally the world seemed to settle down again, leaving Blaine drained, though more at peace with everything. Not tired enough to go to sleep he settled into his chair with his tablet, a fresh mug of tea and a blanket over his lap to fend of a cold that had little to do with the temperature.
"What are you working on, sweetie?" Kurt's soft voice sounded some time later. Blaine looked over, quickly, to see Kurt observing him, his eyes now much clearer.
"Oh, nothing important. Just writing something for my blog." Blaine got up from his chair to sit on the edge of the couch, running his hand through Kurt's hair.
"You have a blog?" Kurt asked curiously, nuzzling against Blaine's hand to keep it in his hair.
"Yeah. For when my thoughts are too busy to stay in my head, you know."
"I know the feeling. I have a blog too, actually. Maybe we know each other on there and never realized! What's your blog called?" glad to see the enthusiastic, playful side of his boyfriend peak out, Blaine smiled and replied indulgently: "It's called Bschertzo, on Blogspot."
"No way!" Kurt exclaimed rolling onto his back to stare up at him, "You're 2BaBumblebee? I love your blog! I read it every day!"
"Really?" Blaine laughed, leaning over Kurt, to settle comfortably on top of him, feet tangled together and chin resting on his hands on Kurt's chest. Kurt hummed in a mixture of confirmation and contentment, lettings his fingers getting tangled into Blaine's ungelled hair.
"I go by VonTrappChild. Maybe you've noticed my comments?"
"You're kidding?! I follow your blog and your advice religiously!" Blaine exclaimed making Kurt laugh honestly, light and loud. "I do! I just don't comment all that often because, well, you're like a Guru, and who am I to tell you anything about fashion?"
"I'm hardly a Guru, Blaine."
"Oh but you are. To me you are." Kurt smiled affectionately, stroking some curls of Blaine's forehead.
"Well, you're my hero." he whispered before leaning in to kiss Blaine softly.
Hours later Blaine entered his room to find Kurt standing in front of the window next to his bed, dressed in only a pair of borrowed sweats, arms folded over his chest as he looked out on the lights of the street below. Blaine softly walked up to him and folded his arms around his boyfriend wordlessly.
"I suddenly feel so light," Kurt said lowly, "Like i could just fly off, high up over the city and just... watch it."
"Please don't, though," Blaine whispered back, tightening his hold on Kurt, "I'd much rather you stay here with me."
"I'd take you with me, though. We could watch the city together." Blaine hummed, letting silence fall between them for a moment.
"I haven't felt this... Alive in years," Kurt turned around in Blaine's arms so that they were face to face, "since my dad died, I think, maybe even a bit before. I only just realized today. I have been so... Indifferent. I kept thinking I couldn't be depressed because I got out of bed every day, and I took the time to cook healthy meals and do my work. But that doesn't mean I lived, or. I just got by. I didn't care, I just kept going at the same speed. But life isn't supposed to go at the same speed. It's supposed to be interchangeable and interesting and challenging. And then I met you, and everything changed. I started to care. I started to smile and laugh but I also started to cry and be mad. I've started to grieve, properly grieve. I never allowed myself to do that before, because I wasn't ready to accept that he wasn't there anymore. But I am now. And I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm going to get help. And I will get better. So thank you, Blaine. For showing me how to live again."
"I love you so much," Blaine whispered brokenly, trying not to let the tears in his eyes show too much.
"I love you, too," Kurt let himself be pulled into a tight hug, resting his head against Blaine's. "I love you more than I ever thought i could love anyone again."
"I don't know if there's anything beautiful about grief. Perhaps there isn't. But I don't know if I believe it is as world-destroyingly horrible as you describe it. The thing is, grief is more than just an emotion, than a state of mind. It's also a process. Something all of us have to go through on both large and small scales. I don't think the songs and the books and the art is made to pretend there is something beautiful about the emotion grief. A lot of it is about dealing. - with death, with loss, with life and how it twists and turns. Art and music and songs, they are a confirmation to me, that I'm not alone in my grief, that beauty still exist, that life isn't over. So no, I don't think grief the emotion is beautiful. But I do think the process, what it inspires, what it shows us and what it reminds us of, that is one of the most beautiful things of all.
VonTrappChild."
AN: Okay. So. Few references in Blaine's reflections. - Mimi from La Boheme by Puccini. Beautiful moment exactly because of this defying second of silence that sort of just... hangs there... 'Life is beautiful' reference as well... A lot of mixed opinions on that one with the balance of comedy and horror. For me it works. And then 'Candle in the wind', the most selling single still, according to my research. By Elton John. Chapter 11 on Sunday where we turn back to lighter topics. It will be Blaine's turn to face some of his demons. Let me know what you thought...