Chapter Five
Spock POV
It was illogical, him apologizing, that is what I continued to repeat in my head. He had already apologized to me for the harsh words he had spoken that day on the command deck.
And yet, this time there was true meaning behind it, behind the words he uttered. He, he was the only one to tell me that she knew I loved her. It was something the human side of me needed to hear. It was odd that he knew this; he knew what I was feeling and said something to make it better.
Only, he being the human he is, he didn't think about everything he said. How could he even suggest or think that if he hadn't joined Starfleet…
With this thought I know I can't meditate, that I wouldn't be able to relax enough to enter a meditation cycle. I cast a look around the room and see nothing of the previous owner, no trinkets or markings like I'd had in the Captain's room. It makes me slightly curious as to why, but I shake the thought off as I dress in my sleepwear and pull back the covers of the bed.
It may be hot to humans but to me it's cold, there's no place like Vulcan, even the new colony is three degrees cooler with a slight heavier density in gravity. Now the only place I could see as home was the Enterprise.
It was dark, suffocating almost. I felt my heart thud sluggishly in my side as I walked alone in the dark. Fear, all consuming fear filled me with the sensation of hopelessness and acceptance.
My hands clawed at my throat as I struggled to breathe, struggled to take in oxygen. What… what was happening? Was I dying? Is this what it felt like?
Spock… I'm scared, Spock…
Jim's voice rang out causing my fear to bloom into panic…. No, not this nightmare again. He is alive, hurt but alive and here close to me; he didn't perish to the radiation. Doctor McCoy had saved him, brought him back from the very clutches of death with Khan's blood.
SPOCK!
My eyes snap to the direction of his voice, it's muffled and afraid. It's still dark but now I can tell that the all-consuming panic with the suffocating effect was not my own.
HELP!
My eyes snap open again and I'm upright in my bed, with a quick movement I flick the bedding from me and am on my feet in an instant; already making my way to the Captain's room. I swing the door open foregoing knocking and take in the bare room before me.
"Jim?" I call softly, stepping further into the room, but I know he is not here. There is no indication that he had returned from the barn. The panic flares in my chest, an echo of Jim's once that I would have to address later as to why I was feeling his emotions in one of my meditative states. As of now I have other priorities than the mysterious sudden influx of the Captain's emotions.
I stride through the house, my footsteps barely making a sound on the wooden floor before making my way out into the night, shivering as the cool air hits my exposed flesh before picking up my pace to the barn.
"No…"
My eyes shoot up to the loft above before I'm quickly climbing the ladder and to Jim's side, my hands reaching out to him in reflex only to pause as Jim lets out a cry. I have to wake him, yet I know with him there is no measure of shielding I could do to block the emotions he's feeling. It was odd, every contact we had I could feel his emotions and a slight echo of his thoughts.
"Captain. Captain. Jim!" I call harshly trying to wake him with my voice but it was of no use. I know that the only way to wake him was to shake him awake; taking a deep breath, I build up my shields before placing my hand on his arm, my body spasming with the agony and burning pain.
"Captain, wake up! Jim, you need to awaken, it is only a nightmare." I call while shaking him; his eyes snap open, my free hand catching his arm as it flung up in defense.
His eyes shine with fear before they focus on my face, his chest heaving and through the touch on his skin I can feel his heart racing.
"Spock?" He asks, confused, his voice raspy as he tries to sit up. I release him instantly, mentally shaking off his emotions but I know it's of no use, when it comes to Captain Kirk I know that I could forget nothing.
"I was awoken to panic and realised it was coming from you, I sought you out and found you here having a nightmare." I state, making him sigh harshly, his face pulling down in a frown as he runs his hand through his hair.
"Thanks." He sighs out, lying back down with his eyes closed.
"To quote everyone including you, 'no problem'." I state, causing him to smile and look at me.
"Still Spock, normally I ride out the nightmares or wake myself up, but I couldn't this time." He admits causing me to cock my head to the side.
"I was unaware that these happened often, may I inquire what the nightmare was about?" I ask, as I notice him stiffen slightly and sigh.
"Me, dying. Ever since Khan, I dream about my death over and over again. Sometimes, it is you who is on the other side of the glass, an older version of you so to speak, and there is nothing I can do to save you." He admits in a whisper, pain reflecting in his eyes with his words. I cock my head to the side and frown, the memory of my older self telling me the sacrifice I was to make; yet Jim took that place.
"Would you mind?" I ask, holding my hand up while gesturing to his face. "I simply wish to see if there is some transference of the mind meld you and my older self-had. Maybe what he shared or unintentionally shared has stuck and is causing me to play in your nightmares." I explain to him only he's still shaking his head no.
"I can't let you feel this Spock; I don't want to show you." He gets out, strained, his eyes looking up at me almost pleadingly. Against what I'm feeling I concede, I know from many experiences that if I were to push the subject now he would be stubborn and would never tell me; yes, the logical move is to 'leave it be', so to speak.
"Then I will leave it be for now. I shall return to my room now that you are awake and well." I state while standing, only to stop when his hand curls around my wrist, fear and hesitation filling me.
"Can... can you stay, Spock? I know I'm one to never be afraid but since waking up, since the day in the warp core chamber I... I've been afraid and you being near me, by my side I feel a little better. Please, just for tonight?" he asks, pleads.
With a nod, I pick a suitable spot near the captain and wait while he falls back asleep, more peaceful than before.
You being near me, by my side I feel a little better.
Sometimes, it is you who is on the other side of the glass, an older version of you…
Spock… Spock… Spock…
His words and breathing echo around my mind like a soothing lullaby, calming me enough to enter a meditation cycle. I know that soon, I will need to contact my older counterpart Selik.
Author Note: I know most stories he goes by Selek, but I had thought Selik is fitting its meaning of 'from the soul of the star'.