A/N: Hey everyone! This one might be a little sad, get your tissues ready. You've been warned. It takes place sometime in season 13, 14 at most, and it's told in Elliot's point of view.
The characters belong to Dick Wolf. The song belongs to Taylor Swift.

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

I'm so lucky she agreed to meet me after I've been such an ass and left without a word or anything. I knew about her abandonment issues yet I turned my back on her that easily. I feel awful, and the conversation is really awkward.

- So, uh... How's everything at the squad? Are the guys okay? Any... Changes since I left?

You've been good; busier than ever
We small talk, work in the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
Cause the last time you saw me
Still burns in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

- It's good, pretty much the same though. Sadly, it seems like there will always be a perp – she answers, not looking at me.

I hate myself for it.

It's not like she was giggly before or anything, but I used to get more than this distant, cold Olivia. But that was before I screwed up. Before I hurt her. She supported me in every way she could, and yet I dismissed her as if it was nothing. As if she meant nothing.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up playing back myself leaving,
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
Then I think about summer,
All the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came,
The dark days when the fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love
And all I gave you was goodbye

I was bad after I killed Jenna, but after leaving I spiraled down. I kept wondering what she'd think of me, if she was okay, if she missed me as bad as I missed her... I knew I didn't deserve her missing me after what I had done, but no one ever said we only wish for things we deserve. Actually, we often want things we don't really deserve.

The same goes with love. Yes, I was in love with Olivia and I never had the guts to tell her.

I also remembered all those times we joked, and laughed, and had a good time together. Whether it was on a rare, though really deserved, day off, or just going out for a drink, even on never-ending stakeouts... I remembered everything and it brought to my face the closest to a smile I was able to give. They weren't real smiles – no, I was broken, shattered inside –, but they would do.

She's 42 now. I didn't call her on her birthday, which probably meant she spent it alone. I'm not bragging about her not wanting to celebrate it without me; Alex and I were the only ones who could celebrate it without risk of being murdered, and as far as I knew Alex was still in Africa.

God, how could I be so selfish?

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms
That September night;
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

The night after the shooting she came to my house and held me. She didn't say a word. She just sat there and held me while I cried for hours. I let her in until the trial. My lawyer pleaded self-defense and the DA's office offered a deal, which we gladly accepted. That day I left the courthouse and never looked back. I wanted to be free, to get rid of the monsters that had haunted me for so long.

But just because I never looked back it doesn't mean that I had forgotten it. Oh, no.

I heard her laughing sometimes, when the TV was on and they were playing a show I knew she liked. I remembered she smelled like lavender, when I walked in front of a flower shop. I remembered her gorgeously tanned skin, when I was at the beach visiting my mother. Every time I looked at Eli, I remembered everything she gave up, all the sacrifices she made to be by my side.

She rubbed off on me, I guess.

- Elliot, what do you want? – She scoffs, snapping me out of my thoughts.

- Liv, I... After the shooting, the trial, I...

- I don't want to talk about it – she spats.

- Then just listen. Please? I need it.

She glares at me, but doesn't answer. I don't mind the silence; I'll take that as a yes.

- I'd go back in time and change it but I can't, so if the chain is on your door, I understand. But this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night. It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I realized what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right. I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind. I'd go back to December all the time.

I look at her. Tears are pouring down her cheeks, but she remains silent.

- I loved you so much, Elliot.

The past tense tells me everything I need to hear.

- I love you too, Liv.

I get up, kiss her forehead and walk away.

A/N: This song is terribly sad. It takes depression to another level. Please review!