Managing Your Allies

Lucy

This afternoon seemed interminably long. Was it Sunday on earth? Only Sunday afternoons could be this spirt-suckingly dreary, or as Douglas Adams so aptly described Sunday afternoons were the long dark tea-time of the soul. A solid grey cloud cover lent no relief to the day. Finally, as the day was about to give way to darkness, the clouds parted for one brief moment; I caught a glimpse of the sun before it slunk over the horizon, as if embarrassed it had done so little work.

I, however, held my head high, for I had labored diligently. The day was spent with Varel going over the tedious little details of running an arling. He told me of the incredible maze of laws that had been laid down over the centuries. They consisted of a weird patchwork of things, like barbaric death by torture for relatively minor infractions. He assured me that most of the crazier laws were never applied; still it wasn't hard to imagine some feudal lord whimsically deciding which laws to enforce.

I vowed to collect all these laws and get rid of the ones that made no sense, and modify the penalties that were too harsh. There simply wouldn't be death penalties for anything short of murder or torture. I wasn't even certain there should be death penalties at all, but there was no system in place for life imprisonment. How could you condemn someone to death without having extremely convincing proof like forensic or genetic evidence? Maker help me, I hoped I never had to do it.

There would be no dismemberments for thievery or poaching, no throwing people in prison for being unable to pay their debts – what genius dreamed that up? A person in prison is less than useless. No more death by quartering for people harboring apostate mages. I wondered if Nathaniel would collaborate with me to reform the justice system if I handed the arling over to him. I would simply have to stipulate it was part of the deal.

Varel cracked open an enormous, musty smelling book and showed me how the accounting was done. It gave me a vast headache. I wished for a good spreadsheet, or, perhaps, Quickbooks, Feudal Edition. The rows of tiny, hand written numbers were exceedingly hard to read.

When I left Varel's study, I went for a walk in the last light of the day. Wolf and I hadn't been together since that night. It had worked to erase my loneliness for a time, but it was back now and was, if anything, worse. I thought about Zevran at night, wondering, as always, whether or not he still lived. Had Wolf been a mistake? I was looking for distraction from my loneliness and worries, and, of course, relief from the ever present nudgings of my nethers. A week had gone by since our night together, and I hadn't heard from him. Not that I expected him to call the next day, he was particularly cautious about being seen.

Rounding the corner of the fort, I ran into Anders chatting up one of the local girls in the courtyard. He was dressed in the new clothes I'd had made for him. I'd taken his mage robes to the seamstresses, and, between us, we turned them into something more masculine. They looked like a tunic or perhaps a coat of sorts. There were black leather straps, feathers, a bit of fur. I liked to think of it as mage deconstructed. They looked fine, very masculine. He'd even gotten used to wearing trousers.

I wasn't the only one who thought he looked splendid in his new clothes; the girls of the arling were paying him quite a bit of attention. It seemed I couldn't turn a corner without seeing him conversing with some simpering, young thing. Today was no exception. This one was blond, with large brown eyes and large breasts. A bovine beauty, I thought ungraciously. He had a tendril of her hair wrapped around his finger. I recognized the body language; he wouldn't be spending the night alone.

Wasn't that the whole idea behind modifying his look? I wanted him to be more acceptable to people and not have the whole stigma of being a mage hanging over his head. So, why did it bother me that my plan seemed to be working so well? Anders is not for you, I reminded myself.

"Evening, Warden," I said formally when I passed. I smiled at the girl and walked on.

"Good evening, Commander," he replied. He looked at me for a moment, peeling his eyes away from the pretty girl he was wooing.

It seems it will be, for you. Really? I would have thought Anders would like a more mature, accomplished woman. Why is he picking up barely legal girls? My heels began to strike the earth with more force, and my boots sank deeper into the soft earth. I made a quick turn, walked behind the stables, and took a shortcut to the training yard. I took off my cloak, draped it over the split-rail fence and unsheathed my weapons.

The irritation that had arisen moments ago fueled a desire to punish a training dummy. I didn't stop to examine the source of my anger; I lashed out with a series of attacks at the hay-stuffed manikin. I hit it solidly in the chest with a flying kick, then dropped to the ground as it retaliated by spinning on its post and tried to hit me with wooden arms. Blocking its arms on the second circuit of its orbit, I yelled and plunged a dagger into the part of its body that would have been its groin, had that detail been included on the dummy.

I heard a low chuckle and slow applause. I followed the source of the noise and saw an outline of a man in the shadows. I couldn't make out enough details to guess who it was, so I moved around behind the training dummy with my weapons ready.

"I feel a little sorry for the training dummy, I admit." The man stepped out of the shadows. I recognized Wolf more by his posture and voice than anything.

"Wolf!" I sheathed my weapons and walked toward him. "I wasn't expecting you."

"I didn't know if I'd run into you or not, but I thought I'd try." He caught my hand and pulled me into the shadows where he had stood. "I was considering climbing into your window, but it seemed a little suicidal to me."

I smiled at him. "If a guard didn't shoot you in the back, I might have reacted badly if you surprised me."

"Meeting with you is not exactly easy. We need to set up a signal." He pulled me to him and kissed me.

"What would you suggest?" I asked after I broke away from the kiss.

We set up an elaborate signaling system, involving the milk jugs the kitchen staff set outside each afternoon for the dairyman. We'd each check them in the evening. If they were arranged in a certain pattern, we would meet in the shack near the stables at this time in the evening.

"The shack?" I asked, thinking of it with its dirt floor and cobwebs. "You don't intend for us to... Not in the shack." I shook my head rejecting that idea.

"Well, no," he said, but I think he was lying. "We need to keep in closer contact about the conspiracy."

"Closer contact?" I pressed myself against him and kissed his neck. "How close exactly?" I pushed the picture of Anders and his new conquest with the bovine eyes and large udders out of my mind. Where did that come from?

His deep, warm chuckle made my toes curl. "We do seem to have a problem, don't we? There are some in Amaranthine that would like to see me dance on the end of a rope, or at least return me to Denerim to face justice, and you have an image to maintain."

"I don't care about my image. I'm sure I wouldn't be the only Arlessa in Ferelden to have a lover."

He frowned. "My face is, unfortunately, quite recognizable. I can't just assume an identity. Besides, you don't want to give the conspirators any ammunition."

"You're right, I suppose. We'll just have to think of something." For his sake, if not my own, we needed to be careful. I confess, however, there was a little thrill in the danger of it.

"I'll find a safe place we can meet, but I wanted to see you and arrange a signal. I think I'm close to cracking this conspiracy open. I've been seeing a lot of activity around Bann Esmerelle's estate, plenty of wealthy freeholders and known cronies of Arl Howe, coming and going. I just don't have any proof yet."

I chewed on my lip thinking about his warning that someone inside the keep was a traitor. "Any word on who the traitor is?"

He shook his head. "No, I just overheard something, names weren't mentioned." He ran his finger down my nose playfully. "But why on earth, my dear, did you make Howe's son a Grey Warden? I should think if anyone might bear you ill will, it would be him."

Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it? "I trust him, Wolf. He's accepted that what his father did was wrong. He's forgiven me for that." I think.

"You trust so very easily, Warden-Commander." His tone was both chiding and teasing, like someone trying to deliver a gentle scolding. "You might find yourself in trouble one day because of it."

"Perhaps, but so far I haven't been wrong. My instincts are sound."

"Instincts are always sound, until they're not, my dear. The stakes are high now." He began to sound a little frustrated with me. "I've had too many associates that trusted their gut one time too many. Don't do that."

I leaned into him and rested my cheek against his chest and nodded. "I'll try not to." My body was finally cooling from my exertions, and I started to shiver.

"I should go, Lucy. I'll be in touch soon." He tipped my chin up, so he could kiss me. It was a brief, but passionate, kiss that left my knees wobbly. He disappeared into deeper shadows.

I resumed my walk with the sun just over the horizon and the night thickening around me. I resolved to tell Wolf that my heart belonged to someone else. I couldn't pretend to be a man, careless of someone's affections. Most likely I was no more to Wolf than he was to me, warmth and comfort, distraction and pleasure; but sometimes innocuous assumptions could lead to misunderstandings. I had to be honest.

Brooding seemed to be the order of the night and walking was a marvelous time to brood. I turned down the road outside the fort, toward the apple orchard, and never noticed when someone fell in beside me.

"A bit late for a walk, don't you think?" Anders said.

"Ya!" I shouted and jumped, my hands automatically going to my weapons. "Sweet Maker, Anders, don't sneak up on me!"

"Sneak?" He laughed. "I call it walking, Commander. I think you weren't paying attention." He tapped on the back of my head. "Where were you? You seemed very far away. Back at that place you came from?"

"I suppose I might have been a little absorbed in my thoughts and not paying attention."

"Dangerous, don't you think? What with all the darkspawn and murderous nobles hereabout?" His tone was teasing and playful, but his warning was real enough.

"Yes, well, the trance is broken now." I looked up at him, a wry smile on my face. We walked on in silence for a short while.

"So, what were you thinking?" he asked again.

"I was wondering how you do it." I stopped walking and looked at him quizzically.

"How do I do what? I told you I'd teach you any spell you wanted to know, but you never seem to find the time."

"Not magic... the women." I was impatient at myself and my inability to find a way to phrase the question. "I told myself I could be like a man and just sleep with someone, and that would be that. Just... you know..." I looked around to see if anyone was listening, "... sex. That's all it can be. Now I feel guilty. I wonder if I might end up hurting him and then I wonder how you guys can do that and never seem to feel guilty about it."

"Ah." He said nothing more for a few moments. "Who says we don't feel guilty about it?"

"You do? I guess I just never saw it."

"Well, yes and no. I mean, perhaps not before, during the chase, but definitely afterward one might, theoretically, feel a little guilty. I mean, if there's no possibility that you might consider the person as a potential mate... then yes. I guess that might not be so good, but as near as I can tell, there's no shame in holding auditions for the position."

I laughed. "Ah, the old casting couch."

"So... why are you so sure that Wolf isn't right for you?"

I started walking again. Could I confide in him? I just wanted one friend, one person I could talk to. Maybe my feelings of isolation would go away. "There's someone else... someone who might not even be alive and who is very far away."

Anders grasped my arm and wrapped it around his bicep. "Oh? Do tell. I promise to keep it in confidence."

I held onto his arm with my hand, it was such a small gesture, yet comforting. I wasn't ready to spill everything, but a version of our story would suffice. "When Danny died, Zevran was there for me."

"And who is this Zevran?"

"Have you heard of Antivan Crows? He was one of the people who helped us through the Blight." I laughed remembering how we met. "He was hired to kill us, me in particular. I was a nasty loose end Arl Howe needed to clean up, or so he thought. He didn't know that Elissa wasn't exactly herself any longer."

Anders chuckled. "You are a magnet for assassination plots, but an Antivan Crow? You have interesting friends: A king, a famous general, and now an assassin."

"Let's not forget my friend, the apostate mage, in that list." I squeezed his arm with my hand.

He smiled at me. "Now that's a list I like being on: Lucy's friends list. It is much better than the list of people in solitary confinement at the Circle tower prison, or the Mages-To-Hang-Today list. Since I'm on the list, can I call you Lucy now? I guess I already did, didn't I?"

"Oh, sure, but you'd better call me commander when we're around others. I hate that stuff, but I suppose it is expected."

"All right then, Lucy, tell me about this assassin of yours."

I smiled when he said my name. At last, a BFF. If I pretended he was gay, then I might be able to ignore my attraction to him. I didn't want to complicate matters and possibly screw up our friendship by doing something utterly inappropriate. Anders: My gay best friend. We will go shopping together and talk about redecorating the Vigil. We can say catty things about Bann Esmerelle. It might work.

"Zevran was close to Riordan, too. Danny's death affected both of us and it brought us closer together. He stepped in, willing to be a father to my child, no matter if it wasn't his. I saw the assassin in him fading away and a man who could love deeply taking his place." I smiled remembering how he had been evolving since the Blight ended. "And he was really quite good in bed." That's something you would tell your gay best friend.

Anders snorted. "He wasn't a mage, though. How good could it be?"

I retorted with a snort of my own. "Well, they learn a lot of shit in assassin training. Seducing people is part of their job requirement, I think. At least, he made it sound that way."

"All right then, so your sexy Antivan Crow wasn't half bad in bed, but no mage. Why isn't he with you?"

"The Crows aren't the sort of folks that let their employees resign. Once a Crow..."

"Always a Crow?" Anders finished for me. "That's barbaric."

"Well, they are assassins, which is a bit barbaric. Anyway, they've sent Crows after him twice now. This last time they kidnapped me, hoping to get him to turn himself in, but I got away. That decided it for him. He didn't want the baby and me to be hurt, so..." I gestured helplessly, trying to express my frustration, "he went there to confront them on their own turf." I stopped walking again and fought against tears. "He said he would either take care of the problem or die trying. Whichever way it turned out, the baby and I would not be in danger."

Anders said nothing for a moment, then turned and took me in his arms. He hugged me and said nothing, just offered what comfort he could in his embrace. The dam holding it all back crumbled and I let go of my tears and frustrations. I held onto him tightly as I cried, choking on my grief. He tightened his grasp on me and rocked me back and forth gently.

"There now. Let it all out, Lucy. It's going to be okay." All those phrases people say to comfort one another, he said to me. It wasn't the words so much as the intention behind them that helped. He let me take my time and have my melt-down. It felt as if I had six months worth of emotion bottled up I needed to get rid of.

I finally got my voice back, shaky as it was. "I'm sorry, Anders. I seem to keep dumping this emotional maelstrom on you, don't I?"

"Shush, Lucy. Don't worry about me. I can weather any kind of climate you toss my way. Last I checked it was what friends were for." He stroked my hair and it relaxed me. I felt a little like a cat under his hand. "Can I ask you something?" His voice was soft and calming.

I nodded, my head still against his chest.

"Why Wolf, if there's someone you love?"

The breath I drew was tremulous. Tears were still hanging on my lashes, and I knew it wouldn't take much to bring more. "Zevran knew eventually I'd be lonely and... well, horny. He encouraged me to take a lover, but not to give my heart to anyone else." Those last sad words he'd said on the dock that foggy morning before his ship sailed broke my heart again. "I could keep that promise with Wolf."

"I see," he said. There was something remote in his voice that made me look up at him. Whatever it was, he didn't show it on his face. "But you feel guilty about it?"

I nodded. "He doesn't know about Zevran. No one here does, but you now. All things considered, it might be best to keep my affair with an elven assassin a secret, at least for now."

"Elven?" Anders sounded surprised.

"Yes. Does that surprise you?"

He chuckled and with my ear against his chest it made that pleasing man-rumble I always liked. "Not many noble ladies carry on with elves."

"Pfft! I'm as common as dirt. It's their loss. You know about the ears?"

He chuckled again. "Oh yes, there were plenty of elves at the tower. I've chewed on a few elven ears in my day."

I felt my tears finally lifting, and I laughed. "It makes me a little jealous. I mean, I like ear-play as much as anyone... but damn!"

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

I nodded. "I am. Thanks for listening. Thanks for... for being a friend, Anders. It means a lot." I squeezed him hard, giving him the hug I should have given him long ago. "I suppose we should go back."

"Yes, I suppose so." He let go of me. We turned around, and headed back to the keep. "So what will you do about Wolf?"

"I have to tell him." I told Anders something I've never told anyone else. "There's a prudish, old woman who lives in my head. She's a terribly judgmental, harsh old bitch, and she does nothing but glare at me, knitting letters of the alphabet when I am too... debauched."

Anders stared at me with an amazed look. "You are insane, aren't you? Letters of the alphabet?"

I laughed. "I'm just personifying my guilt. I really did grow up believing I shouldn't have too much fun in bed, but I've spent the better years of my life defying those rules. Still, she bucks up whenever I do and knits scarlet letters."

He shook his head, a bemused expression on his face. "What is the significance of the letters?"

"Oh, there was a famous book I read in my youth about a woman who had to wear a scarlet-colored letter 'A' on her chest because she was accused of adultery."

"Are you an adulterer?"

"No, that's one sin I haven't committed. Abigail usually sticks to knitting giant red letter Ws that stand for whore."

Anders bumped his hip against mine as we walked. "You're no whore, Lucy. Cram that W down Abigail's throat. That'll shut her up."

I laughed and bumped his hip in return. I liked having a gay best friend. This was going to work out fine. "I will do that, Anders."

~o~o~o~

Nathaniel

There was a banging at the door before the sun even came up. Nathaniel fought his way up from the deepest layers of sleep.

"What?" His brain was still trying to figure out where he was.

"Get up, Nate. There's been a 'spawn attack, we gotta move." He recognized Oghren's gruff voice.

He got up and dressed quickly, grabbing his bow and a pair of daggers. He met Anders in the hallway, and they ran downstairs together.

"What's going on, Anders?" he asked.

"Messenger came in with news of a big darkspawn attack at a farm in the arling."

"What a way to start the day, eh?" Nathaniel was awake enough to joke with the mage.

They met the others at the stables, but Justice held back.

Lucy paced outside the stables, biting the tip of her thumb. "I'm sorry, Justice. You're just going to have to stay. The horses are too afraid of you."

There were already two horses saddled. Nathaniel got another ready while the stable hand worked on the fourth. He made a note that the other Wardens needed to learn how to handle the horses; even Lucy didn't seem to know how to saddle a horse properly. He might even be able to train a horse to get used to Justice.

They mounted and set off to the farm without delay. They couldn't gallop, Anders and Oghren still weren't that advanced on horseback; they could handle cantering, though. Nathaniel was critical of Lucy's seat. She needed some lessons too.

The farm was not far, and they soon arrived. Just as soon as he started sensing darkspawn Lucy called a halt. They hobbled the horses and walked the rest of the way. On the farm, they found bodies in the fields, dragged there in their nightclothes, torn by claws, bitten by misaligned fangs. Lucy seemed to listen for a moment then held out her fist and signaled there were a dozen darkspawn. Her thumb flashed up twice; that meant two casters. She extended her middle finger once. It was a gesture she explained meant "we're fucked" meaning there is an ogre present. The signals were developed during the Blight, by the three Wardens. The middle finger was her contribution.

They pressed ahead through the little road leading to the farmhouse. Oghren lead their party, followed by Lucy, then Nathanieland Anders. As soon as the darkspawn were within view, Oghren let out a loud war cry and rushed them while Lucy drew her weapons and followed him in. Nathaniel looked for the two spell casters and saw one. He and Anders would concentrate on taking them out.

"I've got the mage on the left, Anders."

"Right. Freezing him. Shatter his ass, Nate." Anders cast an ice spell at the darkspawn mage. "Shit! It didn't freeze him. At least it slowed him down some."

Nathaniel cursed under his breath. Anders' ice spell sometimes froze things and made them brittle. No such luck, this time. He loaded an arrow and aimed for the heart. The mage staggered backwards with the impact. Anders cast another spell and the mage fell to the ground twitching.

"Freezing the other one." Anders cast his ice spell at the remaining mage; this one froze solidly. "Yes!" He swished his staff in a victory dance.

A well-aimed arrow shattered the frozen mage. Then it was merely a matter of picking off the other darkspawn. The ones they could see didn't seem all that dangerous. Lucy and Oghren were doing well in close combat. She shimmered with something she had explained was a Fade shield and she moved quickly, cutting a swath through some of the lesser darkspawn.

Her shield shimmered every now and again as an attack penetrated through it. She didn't look injured, but the shimmering was fading; the shield looked nearly exhausted. An arrow, aimed with deadly accuracy, hit her shield. Her back was turned; she had no way of seeing it coming at her. Even though it slowed when it hit the shield, it continued on and pierced her leather armor. She yelped noisily as it sank into her back.

"Get the archer!" she shouted. She reached behind herself and yanked the arrow out.

Nathaniel looked for the archer with the wicked aim. He was on the farmhouse roof nocking another arrow, aiming for Lucy.

"Where's the archer?" Anders yelled. "I don't see him!"

Nathaniel, without thinking, aimed at the archer and fired. For a split second as his arrow flew, he realized he hadn't hesitated. He could have let the sniper take her. It would have solved so many problems. The Vigil might well have been his, revenge would have been dealt, and his father's spirit would be appeased. He wouldn't have had to dirty his hands with the conspiracy or have her death on his conscience. Just a little hesitation would have been all it would take, but he hadn't hesitated. His arrow completed its trajectory and lodged in the neck of the darkspawn sniper. He watched it tumble slowly down the steep pitch of the roof and off into the dirt. No hesitation. He had saved her.

Anders thumped him on the back. "Great shot, man!" They didn't have much time to celebrate. The earth shook under their feet as a plate mail-armored ogre changed Oghren.

"Oh god, it's wearing plate mail!" Lucy wailed.

Oghren raised his enormous ax and shouted something obscene at the beast. He and the ogre changed each other. The size difference was hilariously incongruous, but if the ogre was laughing he stopped when Oghren swung at his knees with a powerful chop. He swung like he was trying to cut down a tree.

Carefully avoiding ax and ogre, Lucy danced behind the beast. Anders cast an ice spell which merely slowed the beast down some. Nathaniel launched arrow after arrow, but they only bounced off the heavy armor.

The ogre reached out with a meaty hand and grabbed. He held Oghren up and roared in his face, splattering him with spittle and the remnants of some bloody breakfast. The dwarf turned red, struggling to get out of the grip.

Nathaniel saw Lucy stop attacking and do something behind the ogre. He wasn't entirely sure what it was, but a moment later she somehow managed to pierce its armor with her daggers. The ogre dropped Oghren and turned to her, trying to grab her with its enormous hands. She suddenly disappeared and reappeared a few feet away, out of his reach.

"Neener, neener, neener!" she called to the ogre. The ogre roared again and came for her. She started to run slowly, leading the ogre on a slow-motion chase. "Kill this thing!" she shouted.

She led them around the farm house, somehow keeping the ogre's attention while the rest of them trailed after trying to kill it.

"Train to zone!" Lucy yelled.

Train to zone? Another one of those incomprehensible things Lucy says or does. Nathaniel wondered if she would be considered insane in her world. Probably.

Eventually Oghren was able to smash through its armor, and Anders did enough damage with his magic that it fell to its knees still trying to grab Lucy. She turned, plunging a dagger through its eye, and that was the end of the armored ogre.

"Shit!" Lucy kicked the ogre. "Putting that thing in plate armor, what sick fuck does that?"

Oghren shook his head. "That thing was like a..."

"A Sherman tank" Lucy finished for him. "This must be the doings of the new and improved darkspawn." She shook blood off her hand and healed the long gash that ran down her palm.

"I liked them better when they were mute and stupid," Oghren said.

Lucy nodded. "Well, let's see if there are any survivors. Check the darkspawn for loot, then pile them up. We will send the darkspawn to hell in style."

The Wardens didn't find any survivors. Anders and Lucy started a conflagration that consumed the corpses, darkspawn and human alike, quickly. They rode slowly back to the Vigil.

Why did I kill the sniper? The scene played out over and over. It would have been so easy to claim he hadn't seen the sniper. A fraction of a second's hesitation and she would most likely be dead. No answers were forthcoming during the ride home.

"Come on, Nate," Anders said once they arrived back at the keep, "let's get some breakfast."

Nathaniel shook his head. "I'll get something later. I want to clean up."

"Suit yourself. I'm pretty hungry, there might not be anything left." Anders laughed and went into the keep.

Nathaniel trudged upstairs to his room. His mind still raced, replaying the moment he had acted, without hesitation, to save Lucy's life. He was caught between cursing himself for a fool and feeling relief. Did this mean anything? Or was it his automatic response to help anyone who was in danger?

Father would call me a fool, but he was a fool. He threw our family name away for his greed and ambition. What am I doing, clawing my way back over the corpses of whoever might get in my way?

He unscrewed the hollow finial from the foot of his bed and pulled out the note from Bann Esmerelle and read it again. Such a light thing, a note, but it felt heavy in his hands. He could choose again. It had been easier when his father was alive; he hadn't had so many choices to make, everything was decided for him. He could do nothing; perhaps the assassins wouldn't get jobs, but they'd find another way. He could give this note to Lucy and warn her, or he could do what Esme wanted and help the assassins into jobs here.

He didn't like Lucy, but he no longer hated her. She irritated him. How could a woman who claimed to be over fifty years old be so foolish as to trust the son of the man she killed? He turned suddenly and slammed his open hand against the wall in anger. At least he wasn't stupid enough to punch the wall. He knew how solid they were. Nonetheless, the hand burned just as much as his temper did.

She's an idiot. She doesn't deserve Vigil's Keep. She doesn't even want it. He imagined placing his hands around her neck and squeezing.

She struggles, trying to get away, unable to cast magic. The little bones in her throat crunch under his grip and still he squeezes. Her windpipe collapses and her eyes bulge in horror as she realizes she can't draw a breath even if he lets go, and he doesn't. He finishes the job his father never completed.

He jerked away from the wall and retched, nauseated by the vision. His fist relaxed and the strangled note lay wadded in his hand. Impulses fought over it; one wanting to burn it , the other wanting to give it to her, to help her. I'm not my father. I am my father. With an impatient growl, he stuffed the note into a pocket and began to wash up and change his clothes.

~o~o~o~

All day he felt the note in his pocket burning like a coal. He teetered on a knife's edge, deciding and re-deciding time and again through the day. Twice he balled up the note in his fist, ready to fling it into a fireplace. Twice more he nearly accosted Lucy to tell her what he knew.

After supper the Wardens relaxed around the dinner table finishing their ale. Iveta brought Daniel down from the nursery and Lucy held him. The wine and ale flowed freely and the Wardens joked about their adventure in the morning. Anders was trying to get Lucy to explain what "train to zone" meant. Lucy explained it had something to do with a video game, whatever that was. He stopped listening because the explanation made no sense whatsoever.

Lucy handed her son to Anders. Her eyes shone with pride as she watched the mage baby-talk to her son. She was a doting mother, he had to hand her that. She loved her son dearly and would fight like a wild cat for him, as she'd proven to him once. Even Nathaniel had to admit the child was attractive and sweet-tempered. He'd never seen it cry or fuss. Had his parents ever doted on him like that? He had no memory of it. His father was always busy, and Nate was expected to be a little adult around his parents. He envied the children of the lower orders for the attention their parents showered upon them. Lucy must be one of them on her world.

Sipping his glass of wine, he was the last to leave the dinner table that night. He trudged up the stairs, still unsure of how to deal with the scrap of paper in his pocket. He passed the commander's door and heard her singing a silly song to her child. Her voice, which was passing fair, floated out to him in the hallway. He paused a moment to listen.

"Little Robin Redbreast sat upon a rail. Niddle, nobble went his head. Widdle, waggle went his tail," she sang.

Nathaniel smiled at the lyrics remembering that his nanny had sung that song. His hand formed a fist, and he knocked even before he realized what he was doing.

Iveta opened the door.

He paused briefly. He could make up an excuse and walk away. It wasn't too late. "Um, I would like to see the commander."

Iveta nodded. "Just a moment, ser." She walked through the sitting room to the bedroom. "One of your Wardens wishes to speak with you, my lady." She held out her arms for the child.

"All right. Go ahead and put him to bed." Nathaniel watched Lucy kiss her baby's forehead. "Go to sleep, little bear." She handed her baby over to the nurse. "Thank you, Iveta."

Iveta smiled and took the baby into the adjoining room.

Lucy walked through the bedroom into her sitting room and waved Nathaniel in. "Come on in, Nate." She paused at the brandy decanter. "Brandy?"

Nathaniel nodded. It still wasn't too late. He could make an excuse and leave, but he took the brandy from her and sipped it. She poured one for herself, too.

"Good job, this morning. I've been meaning to tell you that. Some of those darkspawn archers have gotten pretty damned good. I'm grateful you took him out before he could any real damage."

"Thanks, Commander."

"So, what can I do for you, Nathaniel? You've been looking very preoccupied all day today," she said.

For Daniel, the child, he'd do it. He could save one boy from growing up an orphan; that much he would do. He pulled the wadded up note out of his pocket and smoothed it out on the tea table. "This will interest you." He handed her the note. The decision made, he finally felt some relief from the conflict that had eaten at him for so long, but there was still a lingering doubt that he had made the right decision.

"Owen and Irene. Two weeks," she read. "E? Who are Owen and Irene? What does this mean?" She looked at Nathaniel, puzzlement written on her face.

"Crow assassins hired by Bann Esmerelle. She wanted me to convince you to place them here as servants." Nathaniel kept his face as blank as possible. He would have to be careful not to implicate himself in the conspiracy.

Lucy's hand trembled slightly. "Maker," she whispered. She looked up at him. "She trusted you with this task?"

Nathaniel nodded. "I've been coaxing her along, trying to get her to implicate herself in the conspiracy. Now you have proof."

Lucy stood up and paced. "Proof? An initial on a note? Your word against hers? She'll deny it, of course." She sighed and shook her head. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, more than grateful, but what little I know of these punks, they'll probably try to throw doubt on your veracity, perhaps simply because of your father being a... well, you know."

"A traitor."

Lucy nodded. "Er, yes, that. Sorry."

Nathaniel shrugged. "Do with it as you wish. I simply wanted you to be forewarned."

Lucy sat back down and leaned forward. "I appreciate it, Nathaniel." She rubbed her forehead as if thinking. "So they think you've turned on me?"

"Esmerelle approached me with her scheme and I let her believe what she wanted. You're holding the end result of that."

A sigh that looked like pure relief whooshed out of Lucy. "All right. Well, this is something to work with. Thank you, Nathaniel." She smiled at him.

He stood up. "My pleasure, Commander. If there's nothing else?"

"No. This is good, quite good. Thanks again."

He nodded, turned and walked to his bedroom. It was done, at last. He walked into his room, closed the door, then collapsed into a chair. Maker, it is over! He thought he felt at least as much relief as Lucy had displayed. He hadn't realized how much the decision had been weighing on him. Now that it was made, whether it was the right one or not, he wanted to celebrate that it was over.

There were two others in this Maker forsaken keep who knew the meaning of the word celebrate. He got out of his chair to find his two brother Wardens. Some of Anders' special herbal blend and Oghren's brew should do the trick.

~o~o~o~

Notes: My thanks to Biff McLaughlin for her beta-reading skills.

Sorry for the slow update! I at least made one deadline before blowing it to hell. I started a new job on very short notice: Yay! Caught a cold on my first day at work: Boo! So my whole focus has been on making a good first impression at work and recovering from my cold. For some reason, computer programming eats my brain. I find there's little creativity left over for writing. I hope I can regain some balance. Sadly, instead of thinking of cool plot twists when I'm showering, I'm problem-solving whatever I'm working on. Bleh! I need to figure out ways to switch from programmer to writer.

I thank you all for your reviews! I enjoy the feedback and always look forward to it.

Don't look for regular updates for awhile. :(