It Was a Big Sketchy Mess

For days-that-felt-like-years-that-felt-like-decades, Robert and I played with fire. We never spoke about what we were actually doing… which I actually sort of liked. We were too young to have any deep thoughts or recognize how selfishly we were behaving in any event. We weren't really… if we didn't talk about it, it wasn't conscious. We were two friends hanging out, playing indoor tennis at the rec centre or sneaking episodes of South Park in his parents' basement. And then our fingers would brush while we reached for the same tennis ball or I would accidentally fall against him in a fit of giggles. And then we would kiss. And I would forget all about Alex, forget about Stacey, forget forget forget. It was so innocent.

Except.

He didn't break up with Stacey.

Because?

I never asked.

But I would watch her sweep around the school with her babysitter friends, laughing ever so much more loudly and brightly when she knew she was near someone in our group. She would drive-by girlfriend Robert during lunch, not even noticing that his basketball friends were slowly drifting away each time she came around, and then she was off back to the babysitters and the higher moral ground. When was he supposed to have a real conversation with her?

One Thursday lunch hour, our table in the cafeteria was particularly jammed. I was pressed up against Robert just due to the sheer number of chairs around the table. So I, of course, had my back angled towards him, actively gushing with Jacqui about how cute Leonardo Dicaprio was. I was absolutely certain that everyone could see me blush and was hoping they would just chalk it up to my Leo chatter.

On this Thursday, Stacey was particularly bad. She swanned up to Robert, loudly told some story about accidentally sitting on a gummy bear in Claudia Kishi's bedroom, and then shot a glare at Jacqui and me. She didn't ask why Marty and RJ and Steve were sitting at the next table with Harry Nolan. It was because Harry had officially taken over Robert's starting position on the basketball team. What she did do, though, was lay a nurturing hand on Alex's shoulder and ask him, in a syrupy voice, how he was coping. I don't think she even noticed that her last interaction at the table wasn't with her boyfriend.

I reached a hand out under the table and brushed my fingers against Robert's knee, my back still facing him. It felt like he was sinking under my fingertips. And then slowly, without anyone seeing, his hand reached down and his fingers twisted around mine.

With perspective, I probably would have seen that Stacey understood that something was wrong between her and Robert, the same way that he did. She was reaching out and trying to hold on to him by sharing her life and looking after one of his best friends. I didn't have perspective. I just knew they were broken, basically broken up, and if he could ever pin her down – it would be official.

I need to be clear. It was never that I thought Stacey deserved it. That wasn't what it was about. Things just happened in the wrong order was all. And it wasn't that we didn't try. Every time Robert and I hung out, I re-affirmed to myself that today was different. Today was a new different better day and today I was just having lunch at Casa Grande with my best friend.

Somewhere between Alex and Robert, I guess I got used to kissing my best friend.

"Andrea Beth Gentile, you tricky little minx!"

I blinked, startled by the sudden explosion of on Miss Jacqui Grant in my face. Quite literally. I was sitting on my basement rec room floor, legs pressed into open second as I tried to work on my extension for dance class. And Jacqui, who had gotten into my house only goodness knows how, had flung herself directly across both legs and pressed her forehead against mine. Soooo much Jacqui.

"Jay, get off!" I squealed, bouncing my legs once to try to bump her off, and then resorting to just giving her a gentle shove.

"I know a secret…" Jacqui sang, flipping onto her back and pressing her feet against one of my thighs. "It's a good one too. But… uh… I think you know it too."

Her eyes were sparkling mischievously. Which was never a good sign. I bit down on my lower lip and tipped my head to the side curiously before pressing into a split.

"I can believe I didn't see it!" Jacqui continued, blissfully oblivious to the signs of uncertainty that I was doing my best to squash down. "I can always sniff out when people are sneaking around. And you, Andrea Beth, and one Robert Brewster are one hundred percent sneaking around!"

My voice caught in my throat for a good thirty seconds too long and when it did come out, it was unnaturally high. "Jay… Jacqui, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Puh-lease, you are the worst liar in the world! Every time you look at good old Bobby, you look like you want to lick him like a blow pop!"

"That's disgusting," I said quietly, the closest thing to a confession that I planned on letting Jacqui get out of me. "And nobody calls him Bobby except for his mom."

"It's true! You're dying to suck on those lips! In the cafeteria… at your locker… Did you think that I wouldn't notice all that clandestine hand-holding practically right in my lap today?" Jacqui suddenly lunged at me, grabbing my hand and pulling it into her lap to demonstrate. I just pulled my legs into my chest and slumped against Jacqui, my head resting on her shoulder.

"Am I awful?"

"Awful!? Girl, you just keep going with your bad self." Yeah, that was the type of friend Jacqui was. And that was why I maybe should have told her when this whole mess started… if I had maybe been willing to admit the whole mess. "The way Bobby smiled when you started feeling up his knee? He played it off like Alex's yammering about his guitar was actually interesting but, fuck, I haven't seen the boy smile like that since before Miss Goody-Two Shoes."

"Stacey." I had meant it as a correction, but it came out as more of a hiss, my eyes violently snapping shut. When had I last said her name? When she ditched me first day back from winter break? Certainly not since Robert had become my best friend slash kissing buddy. "Oh gosh, Jacqui, Stacey."

"Yeah, she is a bit of a sticky bit," Jacqui allowed, not even cracking a smile at the vague double entendre. That's how serious this talk was. "But I know another secret. I heard Miss Goody-Two Shoes telling one of the Babylosers that she's going to be in New York next week for some sort of babysitting job or something. And that means you, my dear, will have Bobby all to yourself. You can play at being a real couple, see if you two work. Apparently that's important to suckers like you."

I considered objecting to being called a sucker – but Jacqui sort of had a point. Wasn't Alex only thrilling until we became a real couple? What if it was the same thing with Robert? What if the accidental encounters were the only things that were good about us?

"Stacey?" I asked again, instead, as if Jacqui was my prophet. As if she held the answers to how my future was supposed to play out.

"Oh please, Stacey," Jacqui answered dismissively, patting my head. "As if he'll even remember her name when she gets back. Well, I mean, he will but only to actually sit her down that and tell her what she already knows. That she can have all the free time in the world to hang out with eight year olds because he's going to be hanging out with the sassiest little mix that SMS has to offer."

Pause.

"Can you lift your leg up to your ear yet?"

"Jacqui!" I squealed, giving my lovely, pervy, bad girl friend a firm nudge with my shoulder. In her totally crass way, my prophet had told me exactly what I needed to hear.

Except… was she my prophet?