Drowning

by zooeyglassed

"Is there a shoreline where the seaweed holds the rocks so tight they soften into sand? Is it too late to say that's how my heart feels in your hands? Like you could sift it through an hour glass and pass it off as time never stood still, and neither did I. But I will if you let me." A 'Lie Low at Lupin's' one-shot.

The living room fire cackles on, glowing red and filling the room with white noise that follows the rhythm of Sirius's thoughts.

Remus comes and sits down next to him, wordlessly handing him a mug of tea before wrapping a blanket around both of them as they settle into the couch.

It's taken them a while to get here, not knowing how to fit their personalities together in a way that could somehow squeeze out the vacuum left behind by twelve years of separation. But they're slowly getting there, step by step through stolen kisses and secret smiles, not to where they used to be but to somewhere wholly new and undefined and daunting and even exciting.

Sirius sees a weight in Remus's eyes not unlike his own, a weight of guilt and regret and dread and exhaustion that he tries to hide behind smiles and sarcasm and too many words. It's strange, this reversal of roles they've fallen into. Sirius, who once never knew where the filter between thoughts and words lies, now doesn't speak nearly enough. Remus has gotten too wordy, with hints of everything he couldn't possibly communicate edging on all the nonsense he now utters.

'If someone walked in on us right now, they wouldn't be able to tell which one of us was exposed to dementors.'

Remus sighs. 'Sirius – '

'Talk to me, Remus. Really talk to me.'

'I – I can't, I don't – ' he sighs again. 'When you were locked up, I thought I was going to die. I don't even know how to explain it except that I – I just couldn't. The world had turned upside down and the man I was in love with was suddenly a murderer and I – I thought I would die before being able to handle the thought of it. I didn't think I could ever hit a lower point, except now – except this is worse, isn't it?' he says this last sentence weakly, as though afraid of setting it in stone by saying it out loud. 'This is worse because I gave up on you, Sirius. I left you there. I didn't even – I didn't even think. I let you rot in there are seeing you like this now, I don't know how to live with that.' He lets out a deep breath, avoiding Sirius's eyes.

Sirius draws him close, softly kissing each of his eyelids, the tip of his nose, the corner of his mouth. 'Moony. This is not on you. I promise you that, Remus, this is not on you.' This is something that has stayed consistent, Remus's cruel, almost barbaric hatred of himself, but Sirius can see that years of not having the self-assurance from his friends has only dragged him further into the ground. 'God, Moony, please. This is not on you.'

'It's not on you either,' Remus whispers, softly biting down on Sirius's bottom lip before pulling back to look him in the eyes. 'You could have broken out of there any time. We both know that. We both know why you didn't.'

Sirius lets out a dry laugh. '12 years. That's more time than I spent with James you know, or Lily. Sometimes I wonder – '

'What?'

'Sometimes I wonder if I would miss them this goddamn much if they would've just died because of some car accident.'

Remus reaches over and gently touches his cheek. 'You think that maybe how much you care for them has more to do with your guilt than anything else. You think your love for them is nothing more than your own self-hatred.'

Sirius's smile is so bitter than Remus can feel his heart aching. 'You always said I was a selfish asshole, Moony.'

Remus sighs. 'You know I never meant that. I never have. Sirius – you loved him because he was James Potter and he was your best mate and he made you laugh until you were choking and he let you in when you were homeless and he finished your sentences without missing a beat and he could communicate with you through less than half a glance. Don't you dare forget that, you hear me? That's what they want. They want to strip you of your humanity so that you're left with nothing left to love. That's how they win. Don't let them win, Sirius.'

Sirius wipes away his tears hastily before leaning in to kiss Remus, long and soft and hesitant as though they were thirteen-year-olds kissing for the first time. 'You make me feel like I'm not drowning anymore,' Sirius whispers into his mouth.

Remus pulls him closer, tracing his jawline with his fingertips. 'You make me feel like I was never drowning at all.'