'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse

I know you've suffered, but I don't want you to hide. It's cold and loveless; I won't let you be denied.

Kelsey, Phillip's older sister, was in Stamford doing an urban art commission for the art gallery, and when their parents were away she would often stay in the house with him. He was used to being alone, so it made for a nice change… Until she decided to have an incredibly huge party on Friday night. Their parents were getting back on Monday evening after taking a mini-break for the long weekend, and right now Phil was watching two girls shagging on the grand piano, with a pained expression. He turned when he heard a crashing noise from the kitchen and rolled his eyes. Kelsey would have to deal with all the shit her friends were doing.

The doorbell had been going all night and Phil was checking that the door to upstairs was locked when he heard a knock at the door. He looked up immediately, a huge grin coming to his face. The only person he knew that knocked that door rather than used the doorbell was Finn. He jogged through the house to open the door. When he did he saw the entire extended gang on the front doorstep, Finn leaning on the door frame with a cigarette hanging from his lips. Their eyes met for a moment and Finn grinned.

"You gonna let us in wanker?"

"Alright I suppose." Phil shrugged, returning the grin.

"Jesus Phil!" Izzy looked around, "Your house is really crowded."

"You gotta have half of fucking Stamford here." Chop agreed.

They all claimed the settees, lounging across them, drinking, laughing, as all around them the numbers increased and the clock ticked closer to midnight. Phil was sitting next to Rae as always, squeezed onto the sofa, the entire side of his body touching her, and on the other side of Rae, Finn was pressed against her too. They were all nicely buzzed from alcohol, when Chloe got up and pulled Rhys to his feet, starting him dancing. Kelsey's friends had bought some lighting rigs and just before midnight the houselights went out and the lighting rig went on, just as Izzy was convincing Chop to join Chloe and Rhys on the dance floor. The dance floor was the huge lounge room; everything had been pushed to the walls, and hundreds of people writhed together in the flashing lights, the music throbbing in their chests. It was more packed than most nightclubs. When Chop finally agreed to get up even though he was exhausted after work, there was enough room on the lounge and Phil didn't really have a reason to stay pressed against Rae. But he didn't move. He looked around and saw Bethany straddle Macca, a movement from Macca's hands going up under her skirt accidentally flashed her bare arse and Phil knew what was going on under that skirt as they started to kiss passionately, Macca clearly in heaven, his hands unable to stay off Bethany's body. He looked around and couldn't see anyone else from the gang; they had all been swallowed by the press of people. Phil looked over at Rae and Finn softly talking and suddenly felt very alone, the buzz of the alcohol slightly wearing off. He started to pull away but Rae's hand fell to his thigh. It was impossible to talk properly, the music was far too loud, Rae had had to practically yell into Finn's ear about having a dance. She wasn't going to yell into Phil's ear. Instead she just stood up, using his and Finn's thighs to do so. Her black dress, fitted like a glove over her breasts and lose from the waist down, moved sinuously over her body as she stood before them, her high, messy pony tail bouncing as she started to move slightly to the music with a grin on her face. Finn got up and put a hand on her waist and Phil looked away. He was just starting to feel really sorry for himself when Finn grabbed his cuff and yanked it hard; they'd been waiting for him to join them, while he was staring off. The surprised look on Phil's face made Finn and Rae laugh. But he got up and grinned at his friends; they were trying, and they didn't have to do this for him, they could be enjoying each other instead of worrying about him.

They danced, carving out a tiny spot for themselves, in a little triangle, none of them touching now, just enjoying the act of moving to music with friends.

Kelsey appeared from nowhere and gave them all drinks, dancing for a while with them, laughing drunkenly before tripping off into the crowd, leaving them in a buzzed mood, drinking and laughing, the strong alcoholic content in the drink loosening up their dance moves. Kelsey looked on from across the crowded room and grinned when Finn's hand went to Rae's waist, and far from excluding Phil, he stepped in closer to both Phil and Rae. She grinned and nodded to herself, hoping that the very obvious desire she had seen in all three of them from the moment she'd first seen them together in London would finally get the better of them.

Rae felt the closeness of Finn and Phil, her eyes falling somewhere in between them, her brain moving off beat to her body; the alcohol affecting her more than she'd expected. The feeling between them had very suddenly shifted from three mates dancing to charged. The possibility of something happening danced around them tantalisingly, and as the crowd pushed in on them, instead of pushing back to keep their space, they all silently agreed to let themselves be pushed slightly closer together. She looked up at Finn, his eyes were on her and she flicked her eyes to Phil, his eyes were on Finn, but they moved to her and she put a hand on his chest and Finn slipped behind her, his hands going up her sides as he danced behind her, his pelvis grinding against her arse. There was still space between Phil and Rae, and Phil watched as Finn's hands moved up her body, her hands on Phil's chest, her fingers slowly curling around the material of his shirt.

Phil didn't quite understand what was happening, but as the rhythmic movement of the press of bodies behind him pushed into him again he let it push him forward. Rae put her arms on his shoulders and he let one of his hands go to her waist. Rae's head rolled back and Phil could see Finn kissing her neck. Finn looked up at him, his bottom lip dragging along her neck, the desire in his eyes devouring Phil. He was still staring into Finn's eyes when he felt Finn's hand over his, his fingers caressing the skin of his inner wrist gently. Rae dropped a hand to Phil's waist and pulled him in closer, the three of them rhythmically grinding together.

Rae raised her hands above her head and swayed her hips lavishly and Phil's other hand instantly came to her waist to feel that sway, his breath stopped in his throat. She was so sexy; her head thrown back, her eyes closed, her arms raised above her head, swaying and grinding to the music. Phil's cock started to throb in his pants and he knew that there was no way she didn't feel how hard he was through their clothes; they were pressed too close together for her not to.

The slight movement of Finn's hand on his, the way Finn's other hand squeezed Rae's breast. The feel of being pressed against her, the rhythm of the music. He saw Finn's head roll back when Rae dropped her hands, one of them creeping behind her to rub his hard cock through his pants. The other one reached down and rubbed Phil's cock through his pants, her eyes on his face.

Rae hadn't intended or expected for this to happen when she suggested to Finn that maybe they could invite Phil to dance with them; she had only wanted for Phil to not feel left out. She still wasn't entirely sure of what had happened to make this happen, but she didn't care anymore. She was with the two men she loved, dancing with them, pleasuring them, being pleasured by them expressing their feelings physically, sexually. She realised now that trying so hard to not have any regrets with Phil, and denying her true feelings and thoughts all along had nearly become the biggest regret of her life. She had to be with both of them, she loved them both. And right now she didn't care what anybody else said about it. Phil let his fingers start to caress Finn's hand in return and was gifted with that hungry, intense look again. Feeling more confident of what was happening Phil raised his other hand to Rae's breast and gently felt the shape and weight of it, his eyes dropping to her other breast, Finn's fingers squeezing it firmly. He nearly fell to his knees with desire and aching for this to be something real. He never thought he'd touch her again, and here he was, in front of half of Stamford, worshipping her right breast. He knew that almost every student from the College was here, but he couldn't take his eyes off Rae. Unless it was to look at Finn.

Finn pulled on Rae's hips turning her around and kissed her passionately, one hand going to her face, the other still on Phil's hand. Rae leaned back on Phil, still swaying her hips to the music, as Finn kissed her neck, his hand moving from her face to Phil's and Phil lowered his mouth to Rae's neck. Finn's fingers laced through Phil's and they clasped hands tightly, resting their hands on Rae's hip. Rae moaned loudly, the sound lost in the thumping music as both lads kissed her neck passionately. Finn's hand travelled down her body slowly, enjoying her soft curves, until he reached his destination and gently cupped her cunt through her clothes. Phil's hand was also journeying around her body, again ending up on her breast, squeezing it gently. Rae again groaned and raised one hand to caress Phil's face, the other holding Finn's shirt for support as he started to gently rub her pussy.

Phil looked up and saw the way Finn was looking at Rae, and she was returning the look. Phil watched them kiss, feeling Rae's hand drop from his face to his hip, pulling him closer and Phil happily moved closer, wanting more of this, wanting something he never knew he'd wanted so badly until this moment.

Finn looked up from kissing Rae and looked at Phil; his mouth open, his eyes alight with desire. He cocked a questioning eyebrow at Phil and Rae looked over her shoulder at Phil as Finn put his hand on Phil's face, his eyes dropping to Phil's lips.

And in that moment a shuddering realisation, an understanding came to Phil. He was in love with Finn too. He understood the blushes, the shivers down his spine, how intimate his lingering gazes had become over the past few months of friendship with Finn. But he wasn't gay. He knew that. He'd only ever been attracted to girls before this moment. But it was Finn, and he wanted Finn too. And Finn was looking at him like he might kiss him. Phil saw the slight hesitation from Finn; he wasn't sure, was nervous… was only doing this for Rae?

Phil suddenly pulled back from them both, his hand pulling from Finn's almost violently.

"I can't do this." He whispered and turned from them heading out towards the back of the house.

"Phil!" Rae called after him. She hadn't heard what he'd said because of the music, but they both knew what the sentiment was.

Rae turned to Finn, a scared, anxious look in her eyes. She needed them both, she loved them both. There was a reason she couldn't stand the idea of letting Phil go; she wasn't meant to. But what would Finn feel? How would he feel being just one of two she loved?

"Finn…" She turned to him and he saw the look in her eyes, understanding what she needed with perfect clarity. He put his lips to her ear.

"I'll go talk to him." He yelled over the music, "Wait here." He gave her a reassuring smile before kissing her deeply and heading out through the crowd.

He knew where Phil would be. He'd been to Phil's house a lot over the past few months, and they had done several painting lessons in the back yard. There was a beautiful gazebo out there that Finn knew Phil liked to go to think.

Phil sat silently, his arms wrapped around his waist staring at the garden lit up with fairy lights. It was magically beautiful out here, and the music was nowhere near as intrusive; they could talk.

"Your house is well sound proofed." Finn noted the drop in volume in the music from coming outside, "Even so, how d'you keep the neighbours off your arse?"

"£1000 cheques with their invitation to join us." Phil said softly. "Kelsey forges mum's signature, and dad doesn't mind mum spending however much she wants, so he never asks her about it."

"Wow money really can buy you anything."

"No it can't." Phil wouldn't look up at Finn, everything hurt too much. He couldn't look at his friend and know how much he loved him and Rae. It was too much having one person he couldn't be with, now there were two of them. He kept asking himself why it had to be another person he couldn't have. He'd hoped that he would love again after Rae… why did it happen with someone else he couldn't be with? Why? His eyes were threatening to spill tears so he took some deep breaths, still not looking at Finn. Finn sat down next to him and looked out at the garden thoughtfully.

"That took an unexpected turn." Finn said bracingly. Phil scoffed and nodded his head.

"Yeah." He said softly.

"We was just gonna keep you company all night… didn't expect…" Finn wasn't sure how to approach the topic. "D'you remember teaching me to paint fucking tulips out here. Fuck I whinged the whole time… 'Why the fuck have I gotta paint fucking tulips?'"

"Colourisation." Phil remembered.

"Aye." Phil had used the flowers to help teach Finn about how colours really worked; how nothing was ever a solid colour, it was always mixes of colours.

"Capturing natural light." He added and took a deep breath, feeling more steady. Finn nodded again.

"Never thought about capturing light in a painting till you taught me." He said, "It's like me eyes were opened up to something I didn't even know existed until then."

"Well I didn't know how to knock a guy out till you taught me." Phil returned and Finn grinned. "I feel a lot safer knowing I can defend myself a little." He added.

"This friendship we've got… it's brought a lot of good things to both of us." Finn said but Phil still couldn't bring himself to look at Finn. This was the talk, this was the 'we still have to be friends' talk. This was the moment Finn told him that even though something had happened in there on the dance floor, Phil was not a part of their duo, their special relationship. Phil was a friend. And Phil had to be a good friend to Rae and keep being their friend. And maybe he'd get to have some fun with them tonight, but tomorrow… tomorrow they'd be friends. And it stuck in Phil's throat.

He knew he could probably go back into the house and fuck Rae and Finn, what a night that would be, what memories he'd have. But memories couldn't hold him, and he was so lonely.

But he already knew he'd do it. How could he pass up a night with the two people he loved more than his own life?

"Oh fuck." He muttered to himself.

"What is it?" Finn asked gently; he was always better at reacting to people than having to get to the difficult topics. But Phil just shook his head "Why d'you run out? I thought we was having a good time?" Finn tried to prod. He thought if he added the 'good time' bit it would reassure Phil.

"I don't just want a good time!" He retorted angrily. "I want the bad times, I wanna hold her when she cries. I wanna be there for you when the shit hits the fan. I don't just wanna fuck!" Phil finally looked at Finn, "I am in love with Rae!" He said desperate for Finn to understand.

"I know." Finn tried to answer, not sure why Phil's response stung him so badly.

"And god fucking help me, but I love you too Finn." The tears he'd been holding came, and he let them slip down his cheeks, knowing it didn't matter anyway, "and not just as a friend." He clarified. He looked away when he saw the surprise of Finn's face, "and… and I can't just be a fuck for the night. I can't do it." He said, knowing that he would do it. "I love you both, and I can't do this and then just watch you two go back to your happy relationship after it. I can't Finn." He willed Finn to understand and withdraw all offers to fuck, because if the offer stayed, he'd go. "I wanna be loved. Just once… just once Finn… I wish I was loved by someone who could love me too. And be with me. I wanna be loved Finn. I need it." Finn saw the misery in his face, even though he was looking away and gently put his hand on Phil's thigh, making him turn his face back to Finn.

"Y'are." Finn said softly, his hand going to Phil's face. "You're so loved Phil." Phil looked in his eyes for a moment, completely bewildered, but before any thoughts could come to him, Finn's lips were on his.

Phil stopped breathing as Finn's lips gently insisted that he kiss back. And he did, both of his hands instantly going to Finn's face, his mouth opening to let Finn's tongue taste him.

A shiver went through his body as Finn's fingers found his again and laced through them, his other hand going to his chest.

They stopped, their lips coming apart, their foreheads still pressed together.

"I've never…"

"Me either…"

They stayed like that, both panting with desire, both mentally exploring this new experience silently. Phil's hand caressed Finn's face before he pressed his lips to Finn's again, just gently; a slow, tender kiss, filled with the new love he had discovered within himself for Finn. And Finn returned the kiss deeply.

Finn knew he had to stop kissing Phil, had to have a minute to get his head in order. This was all a surprise, but he knew what he wanted. And the minute Phil had said he loved him, Finn had understood his own feelings; everything had become perfectly clear. They stayed silent for a moment longer, foreheads touching, fingers laced together, Finn's thumb slowly caressing Phil's hand, while Finn figured out what this all meant for them. Phil was entirely stunned and still not able to even think. How was it that Finn had come out here and kissed him?

"So then…" Finn whispered, his lips brushing Phil's, "That should clarify things a bit." They kissed again. Finn pulled back and stroked Phil's hair, looking him in the eye.

"This whole night has been so… fucking… unexpected." Phil told him, still trying to catch up with it all.

"Aye." Finn agreed and grinned, "But good unexpected right?"

"Yeah."

"Aye." Finn dropped his hand to Phil's other hand and looked him in the eye. "Come back inside." He saw the fear in Phil's eyes; was this a one night deal? "We both love you Phil." Finn stood up and held his hand out to Phil, "Trust us." Finn said softly.

Phil looked at his hand then up at Finn's face. He saw no lie in Finn's face, no mockery. There was only love, laced with desire.

Phil reached up and took his hand, allowing Finn to lead him back inside to Rae.

She was sitting alone on the sofa, looking worried, biting her thumbnail as she stared off. They stopped just out of her line of sight, both of them staring at her in awe. They glanced at each other, still holding hands, and Finn gave Phil a grin, before forging forwards, Phil following.

Rae looked up to see Finn returning. She didn't see Phil until she stood up and saw him trailing behind Finn, the crowd pressing in on them, but their hands were clasped together firmly.

They stopped in front of her, but the music made speaking impossible. Phil pointed to the ceiling and they understood what he meant. Phil led the way back through the crowd, Rae taking Finn's hand and following. Her heart was in her mouth; was this really happening?

When they got to the door to the stairs Kelsey was leaning on it with a grin. She'd decided to head out to the gazebo a few minutes ago to have a breather only to find it occupied. She looked at her baby brother first, then Finn, then Rae and held up her closed hand. Opening it, a long roll of packaged condoms unfurled. She handed them to Rae, cocked an eyebrow suggestively and disappeared into the crowd.

Phil blushed and cleared his throat but Rae and Finn exchanged a glance and in that look Rae knew that Finn was alright, that he wanted this too. She grinned, squeezed his hand and they both looked at Phil as he unlocked the door. He waited for them to come through before locking it behind them all three of them heading up the stairs to his bedroom holding hands.