Ownership Disclaimer: Glee, nup! You might notice a significant written section from the actual scene, so ownership for that is hugely theirs. This is relevant to help set the scene for my au twist. Also, not everyone can see the telly screen, so this is done for those who like to have things read to them, and also for those who can read with a huge magnifier.
Strong believer in relationships being about trust and forgiveness, love and tolerance. And huge doses of reality.
A little something again: No, I don't own Glee or the songs mentioned. However, as we know, I own the mixing up of story as contained underneath. And again a true Gleek, who's watched the show, as intently as I do, will know which words and scenes are theirs, and how my words and scenes are mashed up with 'em. {har di har}
Inspiration: I have a copy of the Warbler's album, and it drives me nuts to not know where the song, What kind of fool, fits in with the series. SO! Hence my Ctrl Alt End chapter.
Love to you all following this collection of stories. This Ctrl Alt End, is 'the' most followed of all my stories. I'm really tickled pink that you enjoy, as much as I do, what appears on these pages.
I totally adore Blaine Devon Anderson, his character was a life saver for Kurt. His progress through the series and the honey who plays him, compliment one another. Some scenes didn't end the way I wanted them to, so I'm doing what I like to, and writing them my way.
This collection of stories will be an alternate continuation or ending to any scene from the show.
~ Ctrl alt end ~
Ch4 ~ Blaine Anderson's word of mouth.
As Blaine carefully pulls the pictures off the inside of his locker, he can't help feeling like a total fool.
If Blaine had said nothing, then Kurt wouldn't have known anything. There was no way to link Eli to Blaine, unless his Facebook account were hacked, OR if Kurt were to do one of his threatened random checks of his account. But still he would have been in the clear, and no one would be any wiser or hurt. They'd still be together today.
Because, Kurt's not aware of Blaine's 'other' Facebook account. The one he uses to spy on Kurt, his New York life and, more importantly, the one Blaine used to fill in his achy breaky lonely heart.
Blaine shuts his locker, Sam stands waiting for an answer. Which Blaine has no want of giving. He sees Finn coming around the corner, buries his head in the box of locker paraphernalia, as if hiding from what he sees will transport him to somewhere else.
Finn grabs Sam's shoulder. "Sam you have to let Blaine do what is right for him."
Finn's touch seizes Sam's shoulder, as if icicles were imbedded. He roughly throws the big jock's hands off. "No, no Finn. This won't do. New Directions is Blaine's birth right and destiny."
"Sam that makes no sense. Blaine wasn't born to McKinley." Finn crosses his eyes and purses his lips, looking to the ceiling of the corridor with wonderment of Sam's intelligence.
"Finn, Sam don't. I feel awful enough already."
Finn waves the air and allows Sam to continue. "You've been beating yourself up for weeks, since you and Kurt broke up. But packing up and leaving school, is not going to fix anything. We have exams coming up and your education is more important than a lover's tiff."
"Lover's tiff!" Blaine puts the box on the floor, crosses his arms over his chest, squares his chin and looks his pissed off eyes into Sam's. Oh if Sam only knew how adorable Blaine finds him. When he's looking out for others, when he's taking charge of conversation and pointing out the obvious.
As Sam blabs away, his lips seem to get bigger and bigger, taking over the lower half of his face. He moves his arms around in quality animation of all that is so important. Sam turns and points to Finn, for agreement of what he's saying. Finn agrees, nods his head with a huge smile, splays his arms and claps his hands together.
At this point all the chatters and jostling from other students in the corridor suddenly stop. The air pressure holds and Blaine looks back up to Sam's eyes. "What did you say? I zoned out."
"Yeah, that was exactly what I was saying. And for what? What did you do exactly?"
The memory hurts, Blaine closes his eyes and a hot flush of deep shame takes his heart to his stomach, throwing it into a ball of yuck! Seconds later the ball of yuck comes with a burp of vile hatred of himself. He slumps to the floor. Sam and Finn look down on their friend, surprise and concern about what to do?
Finn stands as Sam crouches to his knees, in front. "Tell me what was so bad. Because I can't imagine you doing anything so bad."
His own hand tight over his mouth, eyes watering of knowing that it's better to get it out in the open. Blaine scratches at the edge of his forehead, pulls a tissue from his sleeve and wipes away tears and a runny nose.
The memory, he recites to Sam. "It was a guy I met online, it was one time." While sitting on the bed, he starts to dress. "The absolute second it was done, I regretted it. It had nothing to do with him not being who he portrayed online. It was something I can't take back, ever."
The guy in the background turns around to look at Blaine's back. "He asked me if I was okay, and I said no. He asked something else and I just had to get out of there so very quickly. I kept apologizing, but I was apologizing to Kurt. My heart and mind were racing, wanting to grab Kurt and tell him how sorry I was." He reaches for one of Sam's hands and holds it tight, hoping that through touch Sam could feel how honest he was being.
"I had to get out of there. I grabbed my jacket and just ran." In his memory Blaine runs down the stairs, "I remember thinking as I left, that I had gone to his place because it felt like Kurt was moving on with his life, ….. and I, …. I wasn't a part of it." He looks up to Eli's window, for a moment he thinks that it's Kurt's window. "I got to thinking that maybe, Kurt and I aren't meant for each other … that we aren't supposed to spend the rest of our lives together…"
He hails a taxi, it pulls up and he throws himself in the back seat. After giving the driver his address and belting up, he makes a pillow of his jumper and lowers himself down on the bench seat. The warmth of the taxi is comforting, he closes his eyes and slips a thumb in his mouth and wishes he were home. Home in Kurt's arms, where everything is right and nothing will ever change.
A lightning bolt crashes nearby, the taxi halts … Blaine stands up from the corridor floor. As he rises, he continues telling Sam and Finn. "But the horrible thing is, right after I did it, I knew that we were. "
Finn steps forward, "Blaine you have to tell Kurt that."
"What, you think I haven't told him that already? You think I haven't tried?"
"Finn, we have to get him to listen." Sam lifts the box and gives it to Blaine?
He hits his head back onto the lockers. He looks from Sam to Finn, "I cheated, on the one person that I love more than anything in this world. I hurt him." He hitches the heavy box. "I hurt him. And if it were him, having done that to me, well … it'd be a while before I could trust him again. And maybe, just maybe he's never going to forgive me."
Finn, "But if it were him and you, you'd take him back, wouldn't you? After all the explanations, and sweet words and romance fluff, you'd take Kurt back, wouldn't you?"
Sam, "Even if he doesn't, you've got to forgive yourself. You've got to stop beating yourself up about it all."
They turn and walk to the choir room.
Finn, "What's say we get you to bring your emotions out in song."
Sam, "You hurt Kurt. That wasn't cool, but to make it right, leaving school is not the answer."
Blaine, "I just want to stop feeling like I'm a bad person."
Finn, "You're not. You're one of the good guys Blaine. And we've got a whole Glee Club that agrees with us."
Sam stops them walking, turns around to Blaine and holds the top of the box. Eyes to eyes, Sam licks his own lips, Blaine blushes and Sam speaks. "Give me a day. One day, where you and I speak with your parents, and let us show you. How important and valuable you are to us, to yourself. To be the hero we all know you are." He lets go of the box and steps back. "And then, you can, decide what you really need to do. To get you back on track, but leaving school, today, is not the answer."
The three of them walk into the choir room.
~ the school bell ringz ~
In the safety of his bedroom, no Sam and Finn to interrupt him. Blaine sits cross legged, on top of the covers, in the middle of his bed. Notepad on a stable table, pen in one hand. The other one has his ipod shuffle, pressing play, pause, play and stop.
He listens again to the song in one go, looks at the scribbled notes, then rips the page out and puts it above the notebook. Then he starts his third love letter for today.
Dear Kurt,
I'm not meaning to plagarize, but this is what's in my heart, and someone has put together the words in the right order that equals where I need them.
Firstly, I am so very sorry for what I did. I'm also sorry for being so selfish and telling you. I thought if I were honest, and told you, that it would be like when I go to confession and all is forgiven. But the reality is far from that.
I hope that you will forgive me, 'cause I know after getting over the hurts, I would try and forgive you. Scrub that, I wouldn't try, I just would. But I'm being selfish again, sorry. This isn't about me, this is about trying to repair the hurts thrown on you.
If it is any explanation, I was feeling down and lost, and now I really want us to start over. To treat you metaphorically, if you were a boat, I smashed and broke your bow, and made your heart ache by doing the wrong thing, but also more than the wrong thing.
I'm so very, very sorry now.
We've had time to let the dust of this issue settle. We've been separated for too long. And that's kind of how I let a stranger in.
How many times can I write and show you how sorry I am? You'll let me know, and know, and know, and know and hopefully one day you will feel my real deepest apology.
I really feel like such a fool, tearing everything apart everything we had, leaving us both in pain and sorrow.
Losing you ever, now, wondering why, where will we be tomorrow? This feels like a typical song that I've heard so many times before.
I thought we would be forever more.
I used to not remember a time when I didn't have you in my life, my world, my being. And now, without you here, I'm aching even more wanting and needing you.
Do you remembering when, before you graduated? We were sitting in Miss Pilsbury's office, and you said that you wouldn't leave me?
Well, it wasn't totally intentional, but you did leave me. You left me physically, and not being able to contact you, you left me emotionally too.
This is taking a darker turn, but I need to write this and get it out in the open. May be that would have helped and then I wouldn't have grabbed for the comfort from another.
I needed you, and wanted and needed you. I was feeling such anguish, with you leaving me. Leaving me in pain and sorrow, but losing you now, ….. how can I fix this?
Paiiiiin and sorrrowwww! {he writes those three words, and the next two lines in red ink.}
Losing you now, how can I win, where will I be tomorrow.
Forever more that's what we are, to be without each other, we'll be remembering when.
Yeah, those were the words straight from the song.
If there is ever a way that I can fix this, please let me know?
How can we go forward and make this a big horrible bump in our history pages.
I was in the choir room, with Finn and it hit me so hard.
You are and were my world.
If you haven't heard, I went back and visited Dalton. The place is the same, and the Warbler's welcomed me back as if I'd never left. They pushed a blazer on me and the next thing I knew, I was deep in the heart of a song with them.
I felt a moment of being a traitor, but … it was so good. They embraced me like I was a long lost brother. And it felt so right, like it was meant to be, like I was meant to be. To be with the Warbler's. I felt so special, like I used to, before you came and made me feel so different again.
They have a new leader, Hunter Clarington, he reminded me of why I left Dalton for McKinely, it was to be with you. And now, you're not here.
Finn tried to persuade me to stay with New Directions, and that I belonged with them. But honestly, …. I need to be honest with myself.
Everything in that choir room, reminded me of you. You and I were a dynamic duo, together there.
Kurt, you were my anchor, you helped me be grounded. And now that you're gone, I feel like I've been floating. Floating around lost, eventually I'll float away and have no focus or purpose of who I am.
So I need to rap this up, it's long and if you've got this far, I suggest you sit down and brace yourself.
Kurt turns over the page of a mini-book from Blaine. He's been sitting the whole time, but now with very worried eyes he bites his pinky as he continues reading. Rachel sits beside him, worried about her friend, knowing what has been happening back in Lima, but not having the bravery or feeling the right time has come, to tell him. Adam sits on a separate chair on the other side of him, oblivious of what he's reading, looking passed him to the television.
I have left McKinley and returned to Dalton.
The gang of my friends and others from New Directions gave me a wonderful parting party. By the time you get this, I'll have re-enrolled at Dalton and should be in my second week of studies.
I love you so much, but I couldn't study at McKinley anymore.
As you know Dalton has a boarding section, so I've asked my parents to let me board. They've said yes and so that's where you'll find me, if you ever need me or want me again.
In so many ways Dalton is the same as when you were there. But the huge hedge out front of the grounds has gone, an arsonist saw to that and ….
"Kurt are you crying?" Adam asks, at hearing him sniffle.
"No, it's just my contacts are annoying me." Kurt lies.
~ a blue florescent light bulb flickers ~
Blaine closes his study books, grabs his toiletries and makes his way to the common bath room.
It's passed lights out time, and if he gets caught out he couldn't care less. He turns on the hot tap and enters the cubicle.
As the scalding water hits his back, he counts five seconds passed his pain thresh hold from the last shower.
He sings quietly, "Never knew I could feel like this." He counts again and adds five more seconds. "Like I never felt before."
He looks at the cold tap, his hand making it's own decision to reach for it, begging it's owner to be allowed to find relief for the temperature being experienced elsewhere.
"Want to vanish inside your kiss." Permission given to take a kiss from Kurt, and permission no longer sought to turn the tap on, his eyelids flicker.
The scalding water starts to change to warm. "Seasons may change, winter to spring." Leaning forward to the shower wall, he hits a fist at it. "I love you."
~ a blue florescent light bulb flickers ~
Days after reading the mini-book from Blaine, Kurt puts pen to paper.
Dear Blaine,
I love you, until the end of time. … come what may …
extra notes from a kute author: this is what I think really, should have happened, he should have gone back to Dalton, and kept his self respect intact. 'cause … yeah just 'cause.