Chapter 8: The worst experience with girls EVER
Note: So if you haven't noticed, my new story MLP Enters the Internet and I would like for you to at least try it and tell me what you think. Maybe give your suggestions. Thanks.
Also, I've realized the Derpy I've been using lately has been a little OC and I will try to keep her to her normal self... as much as I can.
Today was a beautiful day in the town of Ponyville. That is until I found out that, since we skipped out on a few rainy days, the weather pegasi had to set up for one big storm.
"Must avoid Derpy and Rainbow. Must avoid Derpy and Rainbow. Must avoid Derpy and Rainbow," I said to myself, placing the final cloud into place.
"Hey you!" I heard, scaring me high into the sky. When I flew back down I found out that it was just the pegasus in charge of this assignment. "Aren't you the male pegasus who was fired because he ate some rainbow?"
"Um... no, I am new to the job and was assigned to just take care of Ponyville. They told me my job paid thirty bits a day~," I said, not confident in any of my words.
She glared at me, then suddenly started to smile. "Okay, here's your pay for the day!" she said cheerfully, handing me a check for thirty bits. "Just remember, you have to cash in the check before you can use any of the money."
"Will do."
I started to fly away, minding my own business when... "TOMMY!" I turned around, and there were my two favorite mares, Rainbow Dash and Derpy, with looks that could kill. I don't mean they were looking beautiful, I mean they looked like they were ready to kill me.
"Oh, h-hi g-girls," I said. "You know, I was just looking for you."
"Yeah, sure you were," said Rainbow.
Derpy then started to wave at me. "Hi Tommy!"
I waved back.
"Derpy," Dash interjected, " We're mad at him. Don't say 'hi.'" Derpy nodded her head and turned her attention back to me, her expression angry again.
Suddenly I felt raindrops start to fall and hit my head. The chill I felt sent shivers down my spine. "Oh, would you look at that. It's started to rain, guess I might as well get back home. You should too!"
"This isn't over!" called Dash. Even with that she took my suggestion though.
Instead of going to my home, that I had bought across from Lyra and BonBon's place (need I say, not the best idea when you used to be human), I went to hide in the warm leaves of Twilight's tree library. Did I say warm? I meant to say they were freezing and soaking wet. I figured this terrible hiding place would keep me safe from the two angry mares that wanted my head above each of their fireplaces.
I have to say, I did have a good source of entertainment. Inside Rarity and Applejack were having the biggest argument ever. Needless to say it had to be the biggest cat fight of the century. Well, they hadn't quite started yet, but I knew it would all hell loose in there soon.
"Those pegasus ponies really out did themselves today," Twilight said.
Thank you for taking us into consideration Twilight. I helped work really hard on this storm... I really need to get a life.
Twilight continued, "I think it would be best for both of you to stay here for the night. It's downpouring out there and Spike is in Canterlot on royal business."
Meanwhile: In Canterlot
"I can't believe Twilight is making me do this," Spike said to himself, trying to unclog the royal sink in the princess' restroom.
"Art thou done yet?" asked Luna. "We must prepare for our royal bath."
Spike then pulled out a huge wad of hair and used his magical flame to transport it the the dumpster Celestia placed for it. "Almost princess. I think there's still one big ball down there. It'll only take a few minutes." This sucks.
Back in Ponyville
"We could have a slumber party," Rarity suggested, though her tone easily said 'I'm just joking, don't listen to me.'
Twilight didn't know what sarcasm was though. "Oh, you're right!" she said excitedly. "I've never had a sleepover. It'll be so much fun! We can talk about boys and truth or dare and all sorts of stuff that I found in this book!" she then used her magic to hold up a book. The title read '101 facts on how to throw a slumber party'
"That's a long title for a book," Applejack said, walking into the room after washing her hooves.
"Oh boy this is gonna be great!" cheered Twilight. Rarity and Applejack looked at each other with the same look. This was not going to be great.
Lesson 1: the mud masks.
"You mean I just washed my hooves, but you're still gonna put mud on y'all's faces?" Applejack. "Bullshit."
"Oh come now, Applejack," Rarity said, "this is a face mask. It helps rejuvenate the skin. Keeps it smooth."
"But we have fur all over our skin. How does the mud do that?"
Rarity seemed to just come across the idea. "Moving on."
I looked in on the scene and I have to say I was disappointed. "Where's the fighting. Stupid changes, before there were at least three fights by now."
Lesson 2: Hair Styling.
"Oh dear, Applejack. How are you doing?" asked Rarity.
I could tell it took all of Applejack's strength to sit still while the two girls put curlers in her hair.
"Fine, just fine."
Twilight giggled, thinking everything was going perfectly. "Oh, this is so much fun."
"Yeah," Applejack said with an awkward laugh, "fun."
Lesson 10: Ghost Stories
"I'll start this out," Applejack said triumphantly.
"No, I will," said Rarity.
"Fine."
"I call it 'The Horrifying Tale of the Country Hick who Bothered Everypony Within a Hundred Miles!'"
"Hardy-har-har." Applejack faked laugh.
"I have one," Twilight said. "Have either of you heard the story of the headless horse?" the other two shook their heads no. "Well, then you are in for a real treat. I've been told that this very town is haunted, by a headless horse. It wanders the night, searching for what it's been missing."
"It's head?" Applejack guessed in a cocky voice. Rarity and Twilight just stared at her. Their expressions told her that that was the stupidest question ever. "Sorry, continue please."
Five minutes later
"And those poor ponies," Twilight continued, "were never heard from ever again."
Everypony was trembling after that. I admit I might've added to the puddle next to the front door after hearing that. "N-n-note to self," started Applejack, "scare the shit outta Rainbow Dash with this story."
"Agreed," I said to myself.
Lesson 69: Truth or Dare
Rarity put some arrogance in her voice. "Well, I dare Applejack to do something careful and neat for a change."
Applejack put annoyance in her voice. "I dare Rarity to lighten the hell up and stop her fussin' about every last fucking detail."
"Those things don't sound like anything we can do right now," Twilight butted in, clueless on the situation.
"Fine, I dare Rarity to step outside and let her mane get wet," Applejack said with a smirk.
When Rarity came in, I felt bad for her. I mean, I was used to the cold by now, but she was wet for the first time and looked like a soaked cat.
"I dare Applejack to play dress up in a frilly, fru-fru dress." May I say, Applejack looked like a fairy.
This cycle continued for a bit of each girl giving the other one a dare. Until...
"I dare you," started Applejack, "to brush your teeth with this mint toothpaste-"
"That's it?" asked Rartiy.
"Let me finish. Then drink a cup of orange juice."
Rarity's eyes went bug eyed in shock. "You monster! How could you make me do such a thing?!"
"Okay," said Twilight, getting nervous now, "I think we should just move on."
Lesson 76: Pillow Fight
Pillows were being thrown by the dozen. One even came crashing through the window I was near and knocked me to the ground.
"I got it!" yelled Twilight, who sounded relieved to escape the carnage.
When she exited the building she soon found me, knocked out on the ground, and a light bulb seemed to go off above her head. "This is perfect," she said to herself and began to drag me inside. Before she was inside though she sniffed at the air. "What smells like piss?"
When I woke up, I was sitting human style in a chair. Not pony style where I'm almost lying down, but human style like Lyra. "Ow, my head. What happened?" I then tried to get up to find that my front hooves were tied behind the chair while my hind legs were tied to the chair legs. "Oh, that's not a good sign. Nothing good ever comes from somepony being tied up."
Lesson 100: Experimenting
"Wait, what did that say?" Suddenly the light was blocked from my face and when I looked up I saw the silhouette of somepony. "Oh, geez, I'm about to either die or be raped."
Suddenly the face moved to reveal that it was Twilight. "Die, no, raped... sorta."
"Crazy mare with magic say what?"
Instead of answering me, Twilight smiled and called into the other room. Before I knew it both Rarity and Applejack were standing right in front of me as well. "My book says that, at slumber parties, girls would usually experiment with each other to discover their sexuallity and kissing abilities."
"Exactly, with each other. No boys allowed, right?" I asked, trying to find my loophole out of this.
But then Twilight held a book up to my face so that I could clearly read it. The caption read, 'If boys are available, use them.'
"Shit. Look, girls, I like all of you, but I'm already in deep shit with Dash and Derpy. Just let me go." A guilty look spread across Applejack's face. It looks like she was starting to regret this. Keep it up. "Rarity, you're always looking for the perfect guy, how do you think he'd feel if he found out you practically raped somepony?" Now was Rarity's turn to feel guilty. One more.
"Tommy, cut it out. I know what you're trying to do," Twilight began. "You're trying to ruin my first sleepover!"
Everything was now set into place. "Of course, I should've realized that the smartest pony in all of Equestria could figure that out." Twilight smiled at the compliment. "Just like I'm sure she knows that rape and holding somepony captive against their will is against the law. How would Celestia react to her number one student being a criminal?"
Twilight's eyes bulged. If there was one thing she never wanted to do, it was disappoint Princess Celestia. When her horn started to glow, I figured the ropes would untie themselves. Instead, the hue that shows that her magic is working appeared around all of my legs.
"W-why did you do that?" I didn't get an answer. She just opened the door. "T-Twilight?" then my chair magically scooted closer to the door. "Applejack, will you untie me?" Twilight trotted behind me. "R-Rarity?"
Twilight kicked my chair and I went rolling out of the building and into the pouring rain. Just when I thought I was done, I looked where I was to find that I was at the edge of a hill. Shit, I know where this is going. Just like I thought I began to roll, once again, until a park bench finally stopped me.
"Can I at least get a hacksaw to try and cut these ropes?" I called in hope that Twilight could hear. At least I found out why she used her magic on my legs, to keep them from breaking.
Within a moment my questions were answered when a hacksaw floated over with help from Rarity's magic. I barfed onto the ground before saying, "Thank you," and passing out.
The Next Morning
I awoke with a huge yawn, "Well, that was the crappiest night sleep I've ever had." The only question now was, why was I tied down to a cloud bed?
I turned my head to take in my surroundings, to see anything I had to really twist it and feel my neck crack. "Ow~," I said in pain. The pain was worth it, because it gave me the clearest view of the bedside table; on it was a picture of Spitfire, leader of the wonderbolts, which was signed saying 'Keep up your dreams Dash, love Spitfire'.
"That's it, I'm dead."
"Oh, you're more than dead," I heard. When I looked up, there were Dash and Derpy.
I tried talking in my happiest tone, hoping to brighten the mood. "Girls! How are my two favorite mares?" their frowns never faded. "Nothing? Had to try." Again, no change in expression on Dash, but a smile did appear on Derpy for about a second.
I feel bad for what I'm going to do, but I need to get out of here.
I flapped my wings, forcing myself downward. With a sudden burst of energy I shot down, tearing pieces of Dash's cloud house with me.
I flew at top speed through Ponyville, trying to find a hiding place. That was when I found my captors. "Oh, hey Applejack. Hey Rarity. How did the slumber party go after I left?"
Rarity sighed in exhaustion. "Oh it went terrible, simply terrible. We kept fighting all night until we looked through our old picture albums and remembered the good times."
"My favorite was when it was raining-" started Applejack.
"Shut up," Rarity put in.
"And you were afraid of getting your mane wet."
"Shut up, darling."
"So I gave you my hat."
"Would it help if I said please?"
"And you just threw it off because, and I quote, 'It doesn't go with my colors.'" Rarity frowned, apparently she didn't like being reminded that she is occasionally a spoiled brat.
I laughed, not meanly but like it was a small joke between friends. "Tommy!" came a familiar, angry voice behind me.
"Gotta go." I took off at breakneck speed into my newest theatre to use. The carpets were all red to let anyone who entered feel like a superstar. The stage was forty feet wide.
I pulled out my phone, a little square that was black with a skull on it, and dialed the only number that I figured could help right now, Princess Luna. When the two angry mares flew in, I held up my hoof to show that I was busy. "Yes, hello? Yes, it has been a while. Listen, could you send her down here? I have a little problem that she could solve. No, I'm sure she'll be safe... Oh, you're coming too? Great~."
I then folded my arms and waited. Every time the girls tried to speak, I held up a hoof to show that I was still busy. Finally, after ten minutes of waiting (though it felt like an hour) the doors flew open to reveal Princess Luna and her niece Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, better known as Princess Cadence.
"You called?" she asked kindly as I kneeled before the royal ponies.
"Yes, your majesty," I started out, "I've have called in need of your assistance." She waved her hoof to tell me to move on. "You see, I've fallen in love with two mares-"
"A herd is illegal in Equestria," she said stubbornly.
I looked at her with a puzzled face. "A herd? Is that what you call a harem here?" I shook my head to get back on track. "Anyway, I know that. The law states, though, that a harem can be approved by the princess of love, you. I beg, so that I do not come to an untimely death, that you will allow that for me."
Luna put her hoof on Cadence's shoulder. When she looked up, Luna gave her a reassuring look. "Fine, come closer." I did as I was told and a pink hue hit me from Cadence's horn. "There, now you can... mate-"
"Uh, I'm only fifteen. Not quite ready for that."
She rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Anyway, you can 'date' however many girls you want, as long as you love them and they share the feeling. Any mare that falls under these conditions will magically be okay with the idea of the herd."
I bowed to her once again. "Thank you princess. I will try to make this up to you," I said. "Feel free to ask for any favors."
She accepted my offer and started on her trip back to Canterlot. Luna, on the other hand, stayed behind.
My two girls seemed to lose their anger. All I saw when I looked into their eyes was that of love. "Hey sweetie," Dash said, trotting over to me and planting a kiss on my lips.
"Tommy!" cried Derpy, running over to me and wrapping me in a hug. "Wait here, there's somepony I want you to meet." And with that she rushed out of the room.
"Know where she's going?" I asked Dash.
"With her, who knows?" she replied.
In almost no time at all though ,Derpy, was back in the room. I tiny unicorn filly that looked similar to her standing next to her. Derpy nodded to her and she walked forward.
I smiled down at her, "Is this the famous Dinky Doo I've heard so much about."
Dinky looked back at her mom. "Mommy, who is this strange colt?"
"Dinky, remember how I told you a brave stallion helped me out when I needed help?" Derpy asked. St-stallion? Dinky nodded. "Well, this is him. And he has agreed to love your mom for a very long time. I want you to meet your new dad."
Both Dinky's eyes and mine bulged out of our heads. "Dad!" we both yelled, her in an excited voice and me in a worried voice.
Dinky ran over to me and wrapped me in a huge hug.
"Oh, I forgot somepony," said Derpy.
"Who?" I asked.
Derpy started to trot over to the front door. "Well, a few weeks ago, I sorta adopted this poor filly."
Again my eyes bulged as a lavender unicorn with a violet mane stormed through the door and nearly tackled me and Dinky to the ground with a hug. "Hi, hi, hi!" She said in a voice that was even more excited than Dinky's. "I'm Amethyst Star, and I'm so happy that I can finally have a family."
Wait a sec, filly? She's nearly my size and was on the tv show too.
"H-hello Amethyst Star. I'm-"
"Oh, I know all about you, dad. Mom's told me all about you! I know we'll have the best of times together." She's already calling us mom and dad?
"C-can't wait. Also, can't... breathe." Amethyst loosened her grip on me, but she refused to let go.
Luna walked over to me, a stern look on her face. I knew what this was about and it was the exact reason I didn't want her coming here to Ponyville. The one thing I was assigned to do, and I couldn't do it.
"Tommy, you have not sent me news of your useful uses of deception these last few weeks," she started. "I demand that you give me your reports this instant."
I was shaking out of my tux. "Of course, your highness," I said pulling three pieces of paper from my pocket.
Dear Princess Luna,
Today, I discovered that you can easily get a mare into bed with lies.
Dear Luna,
This week, I used lies to get out of being a father and get into bed with another mare.
Dear Luna,
Lies even get you out of crimes. Boy are these local judges stupid.
Dear Luna,
These other three letters were lies, I hope these will count for the week and use up enough time for me to get away. See ya.
Luna looked up, her expression furious, to see a cloud of smoke the shape of my body. When she turned around, the doors were swinging back and forth to show that they had just been opened.
She didn't need to fly to find me. A simple teleportation spell brought her right in front of me. "Oh, hello Princess Luna."
I knew that I was about to be annihilated. That, or transported back to Earth. I think I'd rather be killed by the princess then go through that disappointment though.
The most unexpected thing happened, though. Amethyst suddenly appeared at the princess's hooves. "Princess Luna!" she yelled happily. "You are my favorite princess, the only thing that I wanted more than a family was to meet you!"
I smiled down at her. "Now, you've done both sweetie. I'm sorry, it might be time for daddy to go though. Princess Luna is very angry with me."
Amethyst looked up at the princess. Her eyes filling with tears over having one of her dreams being shattered by another. At the sight of a sad filly Luna hesitated and her horn stopped glowing. "The... letters will suffice. Thou art relieved from your duties. You have no need of sending me anymore letters."
I bowed to the princess, kissing at her hooves. "Thank you, your majesty. As respect for your excellence, I invite you to listen to the newest abridged song."
"Abridged?"
"Just go with it."
After the show
I walked onto the stage once again, Dinky and Amethyst holding onto my hind legs as if their lives depended on it.
"May I introduce, Mustang Five; their lead vocalist, you might remember as a judge on the hit show, 'The Neigh', Adam Levine."
Five different ponies walked up on stage.
For an easier way to know where the lyrics go, listen to /watch?v=BpypkvZjJiI (this is the original song and lyrics)
'The Pinkie Promise'
original song, 'One More Night'
"Oooh~
"You yell at me, for no reason,
"I have done nothin' wrong
"You go and use full force,
"throwing everything, we don't get along.
"You go and keep giving promises,
"I can't take no more.
"You and I get sick,
"You're ready to walk out the front door.
"But baby, there I go again, there I go again
"giving false hopes to you
"Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head
"Letting it all go~
"I got you stuck in my head, in my head
"But no truth~
"And now I can't help myself, help myself
"but lie to you~
"So I cross my heart and I hope to die~
"Then I stick a cupcake in my eye~
"So, you have a promise you want me to keep~
"With a Pinkie promise there is no lease~
"I try to tell the truth
"but my body keeps on telling you lies.
"I try to tell the truth,
"So I can comfort your cries.
"I try to tell the truth,
"but my body keeps on telling you lies.
"I try to tell the truth,
"Why are you not satisfied?
"But baby, there I go again, there I go again
"giving false hopes to you
"Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head
"Letting it all go~
"I got you stuck in my head, in my head
"But no truth~
"And now I can't help myself, help myself
"but lie to you~
"So I cross my heart and I hope to die~
"Then I stick a cupcake in my eye~
"A pinkie promise, I will keep of course~
"While I am a brony or a horse~
"Oooh~
"Come on baby, give me one more try!
"Oooh~
"Yeah, baby, one more try!
"Oooh~
"Come on baby, one more try!
"But baby, there I go again, there I go again
"giving false hopes to you
"Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head
"Letting it all go~
"I got you stuck in my head, in my head
"But no truth~
"And now I can't help myself, help myself
"but lie to you~
"Yeah~
"Yeah~
"Yeah~
"Yeah~
"So I cross my heart and I hope to die~
"Then I stick a cupcake in my eye~
"So, you have a promise you want me to keep~
"With a Pinkie promise there is no lease~
"So I cross my heart and I hope to die~
"Then I stick a cupcake in my eye~
"A pinkie promise, I will keep of course~
"While I am a brony or a horse~
Luckily for me, Dinky and Amethyst had climbed off of me and started dancing to the song. I was almost mesmerized into joining them. "Pinkie promises are everything." All the band members nodded. "You guys don't talk much when you're horses." They then shook their heads. "Okay, then get the hay out. I don't need you wasting my time."
Note: So, tell me what you think of my first (almost) full abridge song lyrics. Review!