I take it back, I don't apologize for anything. ~_~
"Haruka."
I've repeated the name to myself a dozen times already, committing it to memory, promising myself I would never let it leave my thoughts again. I also decide that Haruka was the worst type of person. He does this after he leaves?! He does this after I've already decided to forget all this and pretend it never happened? After I've begun to lock the feelings out of my heart, after he left so... heartlessly!
Honestly...
I sigh. No... that's not how I feel at all. I'm the heartless one. He made me feel how I probably made him feel, and truth be told, I deserved all of that. I've never felt lower. I cover my body with the blankets on my bed, my hair still wet from the shower dripping cold water onto my exposed shoulders. I let myself fall back onto the bed and I slide onto the side that Haruka slept on. I want to remember. I want my memories from last night to resurface, all of them. I want to know exactly what I said to him and how we ended up coming back to my apartment and I want to remember what we did afterward...
My eyes widen. I scramble through the sheets, tossing them off the bed recklessly. I'm so stupid. So so stupid. There was a really simple answer to this, wasn't there?! I hear a loud clank and I climb off the bed, picking up my cell phone off the floor that must have been lost in the sheets. I slide it up and unlock the phone, scrolling through my contacts looking for my one and only true hope left right now.
My friend who threw the party last night...
Nagisa.
I take a deep breath before clicking the call button and bringing the phone to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Ah, Nagisa!"
"Mako-chan! Oh thank god, you're alive!"
I laugh at his dramatic greeting, "Yeah, somehow."
"I've never seen you get that drunk before, I was really worried there for a while. Really really worried! You're horrible."
"You really shouldn't let me drink that much next time." I truly mean that. I never want a repeat of this morning's hangover again.
"You need to get your tolerance up! But I don't want you that belligerent ever again... it was pretty bad."
I nod to myself. "Ah... that reminds me. I can't really... uh... seem to remember anything after showing up to your place. Can you give me any kind of recap?"
I can hear shuffling in the background noise and people speaking, though I can't make out what they're saying. I can't believe that people are still there. Nagisa's hushed voice also comes through.
"Eh? Sorry, I missed what you said. Actually, we're going to get breakfast! You should come with, perfect hangover food~"
"Nagisa, I don't have any money," I admit.
"No worries! It's on me, you deserve it after the hell I put you through. Just the usual place right off campus. Meet us there in like ten minutes!"
Nagisa is the kind of person who didn't like to give someone the option to say no. Because before I could even give him an answer, he had already hung up. He has this overwhelming personality that normally I don't mind, he is a very good friend after all, but my hangover is killing me... and the thought of going outside when the weather was this horrible doesn't sound appealing at all. I soon realize that all my questions, knowing Nagisa, would be dodged unless asked face to face. The best way to get answers about what happened last night would be to actually go and meet like he wants to. I look out my window, squinting at just how bright this morning is. Using my best judgment, I'd say there is definitely over a foot of snow on the ground. The walk to the diner isn't that far, it's barely a 10 minute walk, if I left now I'd get there on time but... maybe I was a little scared to learn the truth about last night. I shake my head; my feelings don't matter right now. Haruka, unfortunately, is what matters.
"Mako-chan! Over here!" The cheery voice yells to me the second I walk into the diner, and all other eyes are on me as well. I spot the little blond sitting at a far corner table along with two others. I kick the snow off of my shoes before walking further inside. It's so warm and I'm thankful because the tips of my fingers are so frozen that I couldn't be sure if they were even still on my hand without checking. I pull my scarf a little higher up in attempt to hide my face from all the stares I was receiving and quickly shuffle to the table, taking the vacant seat left for me.
"You're always so loud..." I murmur to the giggling boy. I look up and notice the two friends Nagisa had brought with him.
"Ah, nice to see you two again, Rei, Gou."
"Kou," she snaps coldly, "I told you last night." The angry stare I receive chills me worse than the weather has.
"You can't really blame him for not remembering. I'm honestly surprised he managed to get home," Rei laughs, offering me a kind smile with a seeming promise to have my back in times of need. At least that's what it feels like when Kou's face immediately softens.
"I guess you have a point."
"Mako-chan, what do you want?" Oh right, I completely forgot that they were here for breakfast. My stomach hasn't settled since the silence filled my apartment again, and that half breakfast from earlier would sustain me, right?
"I actually already ate, don't worry about getting me anything!" I quickly respond. "More importantly-"
"Makoto! Breakfast is important! What did you have? Was it enough? I thought you said you didn't have any money!" Rei frantically expresses his nonsensical worries.
I laugh, "I had some eggs left from the last time I did groceries."
"That's not nearly enough!" Nagisa cries, "You'll starve, Mako-chan!"
"Have something with bananas! Bananas are good for hangovers!" Kou adds. This wasn't going to end, was it? I sigh to myself and silently try to remember what the cheapest and smallest thing I could order from here was.
"Just get me a banana then! That doesn't matter right no-"
"HEY WAITER!" Nagisa yells. Oh my god... I hide my face in my hands when our server returns to our table with an obvious annoyed look.
"Can you add some pancakes topped with bananas to our order?" Nagisa asks with a cheeky grin. The server nods, taking the note down and walking back to the table he was serving before Nagisa's sudden outburst.
"I swear to god, Nagisa..." Rei shakes his head in shame.
"I have no idea how you aren't hungover right now, this isn't fair at all," Kou whines, letting her head sink to the table.
"Hehe, I may be small but I have an amazing tolerance!" he beams, "Unlike this guy here." He nudges me with his elbow.
"Nagisa, can you-"
"One of these days you're gonna drink too much and I'm not gonna be there to save your ass, and you'll be sorry for not listening to me," Rei interrupts me. He pushes his glasses up as Nagisa rolls his eyes.
"Yeah yeah, that's like saying one of these days, Gou-chan will finally stop teasing that one redhead and actually let him take her out," Nagisa laughs.
"Nagisa plea-"
"I'll have you know that last night we-"
God dammit!
"I need answers!" I raise my voice without meaning to, but the frustration is getting to me.
"Eh? What's wrong?" The table grows silent, they all stare at me anticipating what I'm going to ask. This is why I wanted to ask discretely.
I take a deep breath before speaking. "Sorry... I can't really remember anything from yesterday. It's kind of important that I remember so... could you give me a summary of what happened after I showed up?" Having to ask in the first place was embarrassing enough, but with their eyes trained on me, I couldn't help but turn bright red. This was turning out to be a really horrible day for me so far.
"Well that comes as no surprise..." Rei mutters more to himself than me.
"Stop it, Rei-chan," Nagisa says, taking a slightly more serious tone. He turns to face me. "I didn't expect so many people to show up, honestly. The word must have gotten out and when classes were canceled, everybody saw it as an opportunity to come. I handed you some vodka as soon as you walked in... since, you know, it's rare for you to come out to these things. I wanted you to enjoy yourself."
"You never listen to me," Rei grumbles under his breath. Nagisa throws him a death glare.
He groans, "Yes, Rei-chan told me not to give you any more, but a few minutes later you found me and asked if I had any more vodka so I wasn't gonna deny you! Seems like you really took to it, heh." He laughs a bit before continuing. "After that, I didn't see you again for an entire hour. I'm sure you probably got more to drink from other people so I can't help you with that one, people brought a lot of different stuff."
I nod, "Okay but... err... did you at any point see me... talking to someone? Or leaving... with someone?"
"Huh? Hmm... not like anything out of the ordinary. You basically just disappeared until you left around 2am. Did you see him with anybody, Rei-chan? Gou-chan?"
"Hmph."
"Now that you mention it, I remember seeing Makoto standing out on the balcony with someone at some point," Rei adds while pushing up his glasses, "They left the door open and it was freezing, so I closed it."
"Who was it?!" I shout, standing from my seat a bit. I don't entirely mean to react that way, my body moves on its own when suddenly I'm shown a little hope.
"Makoto... did something happen last night?"
I sink back down to my chair.
"You better have not done anything in my bed!" Nagisa suddenly cries, "Oh my god, look how red he is! MAKO-CHAN! You didn't, right?!"
"N-No! Of course not!"
"Well how would you know if you can't remember?" Kou teases, hands folding under her chin.
I roll my eyes, "That would be why I'm asking you guys. Rei, who was I talking to? Was it a guy?"
"I'm pretty sure it was. He had black hair and was shorter than you."
Yup, that's probably him, so I did meet him at the party.
"Nagisa, what do you know about a Haruka?" I boldly ask.
"Hmmm.. ah! You mean Haruka Nanase?" Nagisa asks. I feel my chest tighten as the full name is spoken out loud. It has to be some kind of sin to forget a name that beautiful.
"All I know is that his name is Haruka..." I mutter.
"Eh, I wouldn't doubt that it's him, I did invite him after all. Even Rei-chan's vague description matches. He's in two of my classes, but he never talks to anybody, I thought it would be nice to give him a chance to meet some people. He just sits in the back all gloomy and doodles in his notebook most of the time. But get this, his grades are on par with Rei-chan's."
"I sincerely doubt that," Rei chimes in.
"No, I'm serious! He got a 90% on last week's bio test while the class average was 55.."
"Getting a good grade on a test that nobody studied for isn't that great of an achievement," Rei argues, "And just so you know I got a 100% on that test."
I roll my eyes again, "Can we focus on what's important, please?"
Nagisa turns his sudden attention to me and my poor choice of wording. "Wait, why is this important? What happened with you and Haru-chan?" No, no, no, I did not want this question asked. I truly had to be stupid to say it like that.
"Nothing happened! I just... have to ask him something. Look, I just need a way to contact him. Can you do that for me?" I ask Nagisa, knowing that this wouldn't be easy.
"You actually spoke to the guy? Like... held a full conversation with him? I don't believe that, sorry, Mako-chan. That guy is way too unapproachable, he would have died talking to someone like you!"
"What does that mean?!"
"Well I mean... you're very easy to get along with and you're always so forward. A normal person wouldn't mind but someone like him who's completely withdrawn... like I'm not exaggerating when I say he doesn't talk to anybody. I can't believe you got him to even respond to you."
"I can't believe you actually got him to show up," Kou adds.
"Nagisa, I don't even remember what we talked about. I'd really like to find out though so could you just..."
"So that's all?"
I pause. I figure that it's probably a good thing Nagisa was taking this lightly.
"Yeah."
Better for my sake but then again, I also really do want him to do what I'm asking. I can't win with this kid, I don't think I ever have been able to. The topic gets dropped once the server brings our food to the table, and Nagisa's eyes light up like he hasn't seen a proper meal in weeks. It must be nice to get that excitable over little things. I just settle for sipping from the glass of water placed in front of me instead of eating though. The twisting knots I feel in stomach still hasn't settled I suppose. The group makes light conversation about the previous night. About how there were still people passed out drunk on the living room floor when Nagisa woke up and about how angry Rei was when he saw the incredibly messy state of the apartment. I offer to come help clean up but they insist that it's not a problem. Kou marvels about how she almost hooked up with that redhead she's been talking to, but ended up sending him home when her roommate caught her. I smile, kind of relieved to hear that nothing happened. I know someone who would be very angry if they ever got word of what she just said. I worry about her extremist mindset, but then again, I really shouldn't be one to talk right now considering how the night ended up for me. And with that on my mind, I no longer have any desire to contribute to the small talk, so I finally start eating too. To be honest, I just want to get everything sorted out so that my lungs wouldn't feel so compressed all the time. When I remember what he looked like half covered by my sheets, it gets really hard to breathe. When I remember where the red marks reside on my skin, I feel a slight burning around each one and I have to fight to keep my hands at my side. I remember how his lips fit with mine and just like that, my heart is racing again, remembering his touch, his skin, his voice, those eyes...
"Ma-ko-chan~" Nagisa sings leaning in super close.
"Eh?! What?" I inch back slightly.
"Don't look so distracted," Nagisa nudges my shoulder with his head, "We've missed having you around."
I smile, patting his head, "I'm sorry. I've been getting really wrapped up in my studies lately. I promise to come around more often, hopefully just to hang out though, not drink."
Rei nods approvingly. I'll never understand how Rei can even stand living in the same apartment as Nagisa if they have such opposing views about such things. They do seem to get along really well though. It's kind of calming when I think about it. They're good people.
"How about we hang out later tonight?" Nagisa asks, "The apartment should be clean by tonight, Rei-chan probably won't let me do anything else until we're done anyway. We can just play board games or something!"
I nod, "Sure, sounds fun!" Nagisa looks excitedly at Rei, and then at Kou.
"Ah, I can't. I have a paper to finish. I was supposed to do it yesterday but you kind of derailed my plans," Kou explains.
"Heh, I'm not even sorry. Why not do it tomorrow?" Nagisa leaned back in his chair.
"Because I have work tomorrow, so if I don't do it now, I won't do it at all. So I'm gonna head out!" With that sentence, she stands, leaving some money on the table and waving goodbye to us. I realize that I should probably start heading out too, considering I have a pile of books waiting to be read for class still waiting for me back home.
"I think I'm gonna head home too, I still have some homework left unfinished."
"Aww, fine. But I'm serious about tonight, Mako-chan, okay?" Nagisa pouts.
"Of course," I assure him, "Just text me with the time." I reach for my wallet in my back pocket after I stand.
"NO! No no, I said this was on me, remember?" Nagisa suddenly shouts.
"But..."
"Nope!"
"Let him have this, Makoto," Rei chimes in. I sigh, putting my wallet away. I wave goodbye as I head out of the diner and back across the snow covered campus to my tiny apartment.
My fingers are numb again. They absolutely do not work properly when I try to fish my key out of my pocket. I can't even feel the metal between my fingers, it's that cold. Why didn't I wear gloves or something? I drop it when I reach the top of the stairs. Groaning, I bend to pick it up, but when I look back up there's someone leaning against my door. Arms crossed, smug look across his face, of course, I should have seen this coming.
"Good morning, Rin."
"Good morning yourself." I can tell by the sound of his voice that he's kind of excited about something. I walk up beside him and unlock my door, I don't bother waiting for him to move. He turns and follows me inside without another word. Just my luck in neighbors, huh? I rub my hands together trying to bring the feeling back into my fingertips.
"Your nose is completely red. You don't dress properly at all when going out, do you? What is this flimsy thing you call a scarf?" Rin teases, taking a seat at the kitchen table after handing me his jacket.
"I guess not, and don't judge me, this is a great scarf" I laugh. I kick off my shoes, pick them up, and place them in the closet. I hang up my jacket along with Rin's.
"Let me guess, you saw me leave and have been waiting outside my door ever since?"
Rin straightens up in his seat, "Of course not!"
"Ahh, but you always have to make such a cool entrance, don't you, RinRin?"
"Tch, I told you not to call me that. And I really wouldn't be talking about cool entrances if I were you."
I walk over to the sink where I left the dishes from this morning. I start to wash them, paying no mind what so ever to the tight feeling that overcomes my chest.
"So what brings you to my door on this fine morning? You weren't just standing there to catch a cold, right?"
"Haaah? Listen up Tachibana, I'm filing a neighborly complaint!" He slams his fist on the table, but I can tell he's still messing around.
I roll my eyes, "What for?" I dry the plates and place them back into the cabinets, followed by the tea cups.
"For keeping me up all night!"
I freeze. He can't mean...
"What..?" I ask without turning to face him. I absolutely wouldn't dare look at him now.
"Seriously, you must have been extremely hammered last night because I think that you thought that my apartment was yours. You tried to get in and when your key wouldn't work, you started knocking!"
"D-Did I?"
"Who did you expect to answer, Tachibana?! If you thought it was your own apartment, who did you really think was going to open the door?! Honest to god. Please never drink again. It had to have been like 3am or something, you seriously owe me for this," Rin crosses his arms.
"I-Is that it..?" I turn around to catch the smirk on his face. "I'm sorry." I immediately drop my expression, trying to look as dejected as possible. Rin's sudden look of concern is exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
"H-Hey... please don't do that. I was just kidding!" Rin stands and rushes over to me. "I was kidding! Really! You're a great neighbor! It's okay to have fun once in a while, I was just messing with you!"
I turn away from him, but I'm unable to hold the facade any longer. I break out into a fit of laughter.
"You jerk!" Rin shouts, hitting my arm halfheartedly.
"Sorry! You're really fun to mess with, you know?"
"Yeah yeah..." Rin shakes his head and sits back down at the table. "So who was that rushing out of your apartment this morning?"
Fuck.
"You saw that?" I ask keeping my mild composure.
"Mmhmm. I was coming back from morning training. I saw him leave your apartment and he rushed past me on the stairs. He seemed oddly familiar."
I don't fake the immediate sadness that washes over me this time. The thought of this morning still hurt to remember and I've been suppressing it for too long now. Even though my fate had been entrusted to Nagisa, it still left a very unsettled feeling lingering in my heart. There was still a huge blank in my mind, and I doubt I would be settled until my missing memories returned to me. I sit down across from Rin.
"His name is Haruka... that's all I really know."
Rin stares blankly, unimpressed by my answer. "And?"
"And what?"
"Why was he in your apartment so early?"
"...Ah. It's nothing."
"Makoto Tachibana, first you get ridiculously drunk, you try to break into my apartment, then you have guys coming and going so early in the morning, is this the kind of guy little innocent Mako-chan has turned into~" he teases.
"You make it sound like I lead a pretty exciting life, it's nothing like what you think~" I lie, hiding behind my well placed smile.
He studies my expression for a bit before nodding to himself and standing.
"Well, I just wanted to check up on you and make sure you were still breathing. So I guess I'll head out now. I have extra hours to put into training on Saturdays."
"Remember me when you're a gold medalist," I sarcastically add with a wave goodbye.
"You'll see, I'll surprise you yet. Don't underestimate me!" he says with a smile. This was something I always admired about Rin. He was unstoppable when he was fixated on a goal. I tease him a lot but I have no doubt about his capability to be the best swimmer in Japan. I only hope that I can find some dream like that for myself. He takes his jacket out of the closet. To be honest, I expected him to stay a bit longer but I guess it can't be helped if he has practice.
"Thanks for your concern, Matsuoka," I add as he heads out the door.
"Oh! One more thing!" he shouts, one foot already out the door. I raise an eyebrow and lean forward to hear him better.
"You might want to track down that Haruka guy. It sounded like you guys really enjoyed each other last night!"
He slams the front door shut, and by now was probably already down the stairs, fully aware of just how badly I was wishing for a quick death right then and there.