What am I even doing lol bYE
I can't breathe.
As I slowly become aware of my body, that is the only thing I realize immediately. I can't breathe at all. My hands reach up and grab at my throat, but there's nothing around it. Why can't I breathe? My lungs just refuse to take in air.
My eyes strain to open, and as soon as they do I feel immense pain flooding my senses. For the few seconds they remain open, it's pitch black dark, silent, and... incredibly vast.
My heart starts pounding loudly against my ear, the blood pulses through my head harder and harder with each passing second. I try to open my eyes wider, but again, there is nothing but pain. Where the hell am I? What the hell is around me? Why can't I move properly?
My arms reach forward searching for a ledge, or a wall, anything that could bring me to some oxygen, but the room is thick and difficult to move through, it's completely flooded. That's when I realize it.
I'm underwater.
I panic. Immediately, I try kicking, anything to get me to the surface. My lungs burn, the fire quickly spreading to the rest of me as I look for any means of escape. I can't hold out like this, I have to breathe. I have to open my eyes! I fight through the pain to open them once again, and after a moment, I can see light. A very faint light far away from me, revealing the surface and my only hopes of survival. I fight against the water to reach it, kicking as hard as I possibly can, but I don't move. I'm trapped, something has hold of my legs.
When I look towards the light again, there's something there. Something sinking lower and lower into the depths.
A body...
A body I immediately recognize.
"Haruka!" I try screaming out to him, but it's soundless. My voice doesn't leave my throat.
I scramble in any possible way my body will allow me to twist and turn to get to him. To move just a bit closer and reach him because if I don't...
If I don't then...
"Haru!" I try screaming again, pointlessly.
Instead of moving forward, I'm suddenly being pulled back. Pulled further down into the cold water, into the darkness...
Further away from Haru.
"Let go!" I voicelessly scream.
I have to reach Haru!
I shut my eyes tight and fight to move. I struggle against the hidden ties on my legs, around my waist, I scratch and claw at them to let go. No matter how badly my lungs burn, or how much skin I tear off in the process, no matter if I lose my vision entirely, or my very sense of being, I have to move.
"Haru-chan!"
My hands reach up to my chest, frantically gripping at the front of my shirt as I try to force my harsh breaths to slow, eyes now wide open. I wasn't expecting my arms to be useless, but they feel numb when I try to push myself up only to fall back onto the bed. They tremble when I move, I'm seriously shaking, as if the things that flashed before my eyes actually happened... like some child afraid of nightmares even after they were already awake. But... no, this was a normal reaction, right? What the hell even was that? I bury my face back into my pillow, frowning when the images don't leave my mind. I try to roll my shoulders but I can feel my shirt clinging to me uncomfortably, stuck to my skin from cold sweat. My joints crack one by one and when I finally let go of the front of my shirt, my knuckles pop as well. My entire body aches, that could have very well been one of the worst nights I've had since I've started living here. Even after yesterday's events... what a horrible way to follow.
"Haru..." I sigh, turning my head to where he should still be asleep. But instead, I see him sitting upright, leaning his back against the wall, and staring back at me with a pained expression.
How long has he been awake?
His arms uncross from his knees and he reaches towards me tentatively. With a slight hesitation, his hand touches my cheek and he lightly runs his thumb under my eye to wipe away tears I never realized had fallen. I can tell he's uncomfortable. His normally indifferent aura is heavy, and it feels like it could suffocate me.
Drown me.
"No!"
Haruka stops his motions when I flinch, he stops looking at me all together even, pulling his arms back over his knees. That's not what I wanted. I didn't mean to voice that out loud. I'm still a bit shaken up. Damn it, Haruka. Instinctively, I reach for his hand.
"Don't," I wrap my fingers around his hand, "Please don't, I'm sorry."
Haruka visibly stiffens, and yet his touch remains completely gentle. His fingers curl under mine and his expression softens before he turns back to look at me. I know I shouldn't, but I still hold my breath whenever our eyes meet. They're vibrant, clear, and I see every bit of Haruka's emotion swimming in an endless blue; if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be able to read him at all. If it wasn't for that spark I feel every time he's close to me, our wavelengths would be miles apart. And yet, I still hold my breath...
"I tried to wake you up..." he starts. He pulls on my arm, wanting me to come closer. I try again to lift myself up, and I'm shaking considerably less now, so I inch over to him. Before I have a chance to react, his arms are suddenly around me. His arms, now locked around my back, hold me tightly, pulling me in as close as he possibly can.
"Don't cry over such stupid things," he murmurs against my ear, "Don't say my name with such a sad voice. Don't make such troubled expressions when you sleep. Don't flinch away when I touch you... I... I..."
He buries his head into my shoulder.
"I don't know what I'd do with myself if you decided you were better off not knowing me at all."
Pain spreads through my chest like wildfire and physically aches worse than anything I can ever remember feeling when I realize what Haruka just said to me. Why does he have to act like I'm something important to him? Why does he act like he has to worry about me leaving rather than the other way around? I have never felt a greater need to shield someone from all the bad things in the world than I have with him. My arms come around his shoulders and I lean up against him until his back is lightly touching the wall again. With the slightest laugh, I say to him,
"Don't suggest something so impossible."
He exhales slowly, letting the tension leave his body, finally relaxing into my hold. When I think about it, his anxiety is a lot worse than mine even though I was the one who had the bad dream. I... really don't know anything about Haruka, but that doesn't stop me from pressing my lips to his forehead in a light kiss. He hums contently.
"Glad to see you took my advice."
I pull myself off Haruka faster than I knew possible when a familiar voice rings throughout the room. Why? Why do I always space on crucial events? Rin leans against the door frame to my bedroom, arms crossed, and an especially happy smirk on his face. I'm thankful that the bed sheets are draped over my lower half...
Covering my now flushed face with my hands, I ask through them, "Laundry?"
"Laundry."
I hear him laugh to himself before turning around and walking back into the kitchen. It hadn't even crossed my mind last night. Rin and I do laundry together on Sunday mornings. It's just become such a routine that I think nothing of it when Rin uses my spare key to let himself in. I've never had to worry about company before...
I peek through my fingers at Haruka, glaring at me very unamused.
"I'm sorry... I completely forgot that he lets himself in..." I apologize, cheeks still burning red.
He shrugs, "Not my business."
My heart sinks a little. It's heavy again, the atmosphere of the room, the tension, his aura, everything just added unneeded pressure around my lungs again. One step forward, two steps back.
"You can come with if you want," I quickly stammer, as if that would help the situation, "O-Or... you could stay here if you'd like. It seems like you didn't get much sleep because of me. I'll be back in half an hour or less?"
He stares ahead blankly rather than looking at me, or anything for that matter. Waiting for an answer from him is truly nerve wracking, it seems as though that will always be a constant. He blinks, eyes shifting to me for a split second, and then he lowers himself to the bed, pulling the covers up and over his head.
How cute...
"I'll wash your clothes too like I promised," I laugh quietly to myself when I get off the bed, "Goodnight, Haruka." Even without a response, this was still better than yesterday. Still better than him running off. I rush to throw my clothes on when I can hear Rin tapping his foot from the kitchen. So impatient... Tossing Haruka's clothes into my laundry bag along with mine, I hurry out to the kitchen, not willing to make any eye contact with Rin, and walk out the front door with the red head close behind.
"It looks like you have no problem making your life exciting all on your own," Rin laughs from his place on top of the driers. I roll my eyes. I expected this and I guess I kind of deserve it. The quarters clank against the worn down washing machine as I toss them in and start the wash cycle. I close the hatch and turn to glare at Rin, but he was still simply wearing his stupid grin, making me feel embarrassed for even existing.
"You're gonna get in trouble," I mutter bitterly. Rin has gotten in trouble for sitting on top of the driers before, but for the time being, we were the only ones inside the laundromat.
"I mean I know I told you to track him down but I was just teasing you! I didn't think you'd actually go and do it! Two nights in a row, Tachibana! I knew you weren't innocent, but you're a full on deviant!"
"It's not what you think, we didn't do anyth-" I pause.
Ah... right...
"That much..."
Rin clasps his hands together, "Did you really think you could convince me nothing happened when I walked in on you practically naked in bed together?"
"Don't remind me! I'm sorry for even being alive," I cry, sinking into a nearby chair beside the washing machine. Rin shifts to lay down across the driers, arms folded behind his head.
"What even happened?"
I sigh, "I wish I knew. Nagisa invited me over to play board games, you know, like we used to?"
"Hmm, I haven't seen Nagisa in a while. I should stop over there when I have time... but keep going!"
"I went over there but Nagisa didn't tell me he was inviting Haruka. Nagisa and Rei pretended to fight over the game and left, so it was just us two... and one thing led to another, we ended up back in the apartment. And he's just so touchy! It wasn't my fault at all!"
"Oh boy... you didn't do anything embarrassing, did you?" Rin turns onto his side to face me.
"I... definitely said some embarrassing things..."
"And he still banged you?! Makoto, you've got to hold on to this one..."
"RIN!" I shout accidentally. I cover my mouth, startled at how riled up I get when embarrassed, "We... that didn't happen."
"What... why not?!"
I hang my head, why was I talking about this with Rin. Honestly.
"Just... I barely know him." It's true that yesterday was supposed to be about getting to know Haruka better and yet... it somehow ended the way it did. There's no way I would tell Rin we didn't go all the way because of the lack of... essentials. Maybe my nightmare was a punishment.
"That didn't seem to stop you yesterday," Rin reminds me so generously.
Definitely a punishment.
"I was drunk..."
"Not an excuse," Rin teases.
"Rin..."
The washer beside mine buzzes, signaling Rin's clothes were done. The buzz echoes throughout the empty room, nearly deafening me in my left ear. He immediately jumps off the driers and rushes to pull his things out, turning off the awful noise.
"Heh, sorry," he mumbles, pulling his wet clothes out and into a basket. I stand and move to the washer with my clothes. A few more seconds and I open the hatch before the buzz has the chance to sound.
"Is there more to why this is bothering you so much?" Rin suddenly asks. I stop pulling my clothes out to catch his expression. The gleam in his eyes proves it's a serious question.
"...I'm not sure. It's weird with him." I admit. Rin closes the hatch and moves to driers he was just laying on a moment ago. I follow soon after.
"Hmm.. this isn't the first time you've been with a guy, at least I think it's not. Are you sure you've accepted your sexuality?"
I blush, hiding my face behind the drier door.
"I don't think that's the issue..." I eye Rin's cheeky smirk as usual, "I just can't seem to hold back when it's him. I wanted to use yesterday to get to know him better, but I didn't stop him when things started going... where they ended up. It's like I can't say no to him."
"Is he good?"
"Ye- RIN."
He nearly falls back laughing.
"That's beside the point," I pout, shutting the drier loudly. I pull three more quarters from my pocket and slide them into the slot, then I press start.
"Okay, okay," he catches his breath, "In all seriousness, and I don't know how you managed this in two days, but it sounds like you're falling in love with him."
"After two days? I don't think that's it either," I say all too honestly.
"Oh my god, don't get shy now! Think about it!" Rin grabs my shoulders suddenly, startling me until I fall back against the driers, "You can't get your mind off him!"
"Y-Yeah but..."
"You've been with him consciously for two days and it's obvious you want him to stick around, who cares about anything else! Who cares that you skipped a few steps, as if any relationship is conventional these days!"
"Rin, stop!" I grab his wrists and pull him off my shoulders, "Why do you care so much?"
The enthusiasm behind his eyes runs out, and instead softens to a look of concern. He turns away from me, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn't want to say what's on his mind, and that alone gives me enough anxiety to make me shiver. Rin is abnormally blunt, he doesn't stop to think before he speaks often, but when he does... it means something more.
"Rin, tell me..."
He sighs and faces me, frowning.
"When was the last time you went out when Nagisa invited you?"
I raise an eyebrow. Where is he going with this?
"I guess.. Friday would be the first time in a while."
"When was the last time you went out on a weekend instead of studying?"
"My exams aren't easy. I have no other option but to study, you know that."
"That's exactly it though, Makoto. You don't see it because that's just your nature. You do nothing but work, you do nothing but worry... I see it every Sunday. When you make little comments about how you wonder how your family is doing under your breath. When you know Nagisa throws a party, you compulsively text him the next morning to make sure he's okay. You do the same with Rei, and my sister... and you do it with me when you know I've been at practice for long hours at a time. You offer me tea when I barge into your apartment instead of yelling at me for interrupting your studies. You ask about my training and never talk about yourself, you never talk about your tests, or your classes, you just say everything is going great. I worry about you too, you know!"
My mouth hangs open, unable to say a word.
"I've never heard you talk about anything like you do about him. So just... do something for yourself for once!"
Is this really Rin?!
"Eh..." he scratches the back of his head, "I mean..."
Are my eyes actually watering right now? I've never heard Rin say something so honest before! I smile bigger than I knew possible.
"Don't, no! Makoto, stop, don't get all sentimental on me. Forget everything I said, do what you want, just don't smile like that at me!"
The driers beside us buzz. I shake my head with a laugh, and turn to start pulling the clothes out. I guess he does know what to say when it matters most. I stuff the warm clothes back into my laundry bag one by one. When I reach Haruka's shirt, I linger for a moment. There are two questions in my mind.
1. Would Haruka be in my apartment when I got back?
And...
2. Was Rin right?
I throw the rest of Haruka's clothes into my bag and shut the drier behind me.
"Rin..."
He looks up at me, hair falling out of ponytail messily and into his eyes. Maybe I lucked out with having this guy for a neighbor.
"Thanks, I'll try not to let you down."
Rin enters his apartment without another word about the subject. I watch his door close and expect the oncoming anxiety that accompanies the new silence. From what I've gathered about Haruka's personality these past two days, there's about a 70% chance he isn't in my apartment right now. He could have decided it wasn't worth his time anymore, or that Rin was too troublesome of a liability, or he possibly even got embarrassed being seen. Haruka was definitely a private person. He could have figured that if my memories haven't resurfaced in two days, I felt they weren't important, and that was the farthest thing from the truth. Possibilities that could easily be proven true if I could just open the door. But my hands shake. The key between my fingers feels heavy, the lock far away, my head not on my shoulders but in some fantasy world where anything that happened these past two days could mean something.
And still... I'm too scared to find out the answer.
Too scared to walk into an empty apartment, too scared to see him walk away for a second time, too scared to be broken by something so short.
I push the key into the lock and turn, holding my breath as I walk back inside my apartment. Locking the door behind me, I hang up my jacket as always, leave my shoes by the door where Haruka's weren't, and leave my key on the side table.
It is quiet.
The kitchen is empty and I try to make as little noise as I make my way to the bedroom. I close my eyes for only a moment to brace myself for the worst possible case scenario. And when I open them, my fear is realized.
My bed is empty as well.
I sigh heavily, all anxiety rushing to my chest. He seriously left. So he decided I wasn't worth his time again. Nothing I said yesterday meant anything. I knew I gave him too much power over my emotions. But then again, it's not like I chose to. If it had to end, why did it have to without me even saying goodbye. I can feel my eyes welling again and I tell myself over and over that I won't cry over something as stupid as ruining my ties with Haruka. But that's all an even greater lie. I feel like a complete idiot.
That is... until I turn my head to the left...
And see Haruka soaking in my bathtub.
"Haruka!" I yell unintentionally. He eyes me as I walk into the bathroom, but returns to his own little world immediately.
"You scared me half to death!"
He smirks, "Did you think I left?"
That... devious child. He did this on purpose!
"Yeah... I did. You've made your point," I admit defeat, kneeling beside the bath and leaning forward to him. He turns to face me, eyes only half open.
"What point is that?"
I reach forward and my fingers gently pull back the wet strands of hair, then place a quick kiss to his forehead, "That I'm afraid to lose you."
He hums contently, leaning towards my touch. Just like this morning, he's really gentle when tired. It makes my heart race, it makes me want to protect him, if anything... it makes me reconsider Rin's earlier theory. I wouldn't feel like this if there wasn't something more there. I wouldn't run my fingers through his hair so sensually and he wouldn't let me. I wouldn't pay attention to the pink hues on his cheek, nor would they be there. I wouldn't ignore all reason to just let this go as what it was supposed to be... a one time deal... and Haruka wouldn't have come if that was where our fate was supposed to end.
There was something more.
"You know that the water is freezing, right?" I mutter, feeling the water droplets from his hair fall onto my skin, "Get out before you die."
"Don't feel like it."
"Then at least warm up the water?"
"Join me."
I laugh at the ridiculous request, "That bath is way too small for both of us."
He frowns, resting his head along his arms on the edge.
I continue to lace my fingers through his hair in light scratches I can tell he's enjoying, "I will keep you company on two conditions."
"Mm." He's too tired to even function properly.
"One, warm up the water. It's barely 10 degrees outside."
His hand reaches out in search of the faucets but fails to find it. His hand misses and flops back into the water, and he let's his head fall against my arm.
"Can't find it..." he mutters tiredly.
I shake my head, turning the warm water on myself as he settles more comfortably against me.
"And two, tell me five things about yourself."
"Only if you keep scratching," he nods.
"Sure." My fingers resume their previous movements. His eyes close completely, all tension leaving his body. My sleeve is dripping wet by now but... seeing Haruka like this makes me care significantly less. He wears the slightest smile, but it's written all over his expression. He's content with the current situation, which by default... means he's happy he stayed.
"My name is Haruka."
"No, that doesn't count! They have to be things I don't know."
He nods, letting himself think for a minute. At this rate, he'll fall asleep!
"I'm 21 years old."
So he's the same age as me. Well at least that was one weight off my shoulders. He looks young for his age, he could have easily passed for an 18 year old when I first saw him.
I reach over to turn off the hot water that would soon be overflowing. Haruka stirs against my arm.
"I... am studying... marine biology." His voice continuously grows softer, struggling to keep awake. That career suits him though, in a strange way when I think about it. I'd question the choice with any other person, but it seems like the obvious choice coming from his mouth.
He yawns, "I like... water."
Well that I already knew, if he didn't make it obvious enough. But I'll let it slide... only because he looks so innocent when tired.
"Two more," I murmur softly, letting my fingers lightly brush against the shell of his ear. He shudders.
"I'm... ticklish."
I feel like he let me in on a bigger secret than intended. Haruka would have never told me that if he wasn't about to pass out. But I like knowing better than not knowing, so I tuck the information to the back of my mind to save for another more useful day. That's four things. Four extra things I now know about Haruka Nanase. Four things that prove he's not just another face in a crowd, or a come and go fling. Four things that my heart can latch onto until I figure out how to break down his walls even further. I wait with bated breath for the last fact of the morning... but he's practically snoring. I laugh and roll my eyes; he's hopeless.
I drain the water from the bath and carefully pull my arm out from under him. He frowns from the loss of contact and I almost start to feel bad. I pull a towel over from nearby and lift his tired body up and onto the edge, drying him gently. I pay no mind to the fact that he kept his boxers on in the water...
That wasn't a normal thing, was it?
He settles comfortably against my chest when I start to dry his hair and the tiny smile returns to his face. His skin feels warmer now and as soon as his hair stops dripping, I wrap another dry towel around his waist and remove his boxers, leaving them on the edge of the bath to dry as well.
I can almost hear Rin ridiculing me for being too much of a gentlemen. Maybe he has a bad influence over me... since the thought came to my head at all. I push it away, and carry Haruka in my arms back over to my bed. It's only fair that I let him sleep considering I kept him up all night. It's only fair... that I let him be.
I climb into bed with Haruka still nuzzled against my chest and pull the covers and blanket over us both. His arms wrap around my chest and he murmurs something.
"What was that?" I ask quietly, running my fingers through his hair for the umpteenth time.
"Usedto-" his words fizzle out before he finishes the sentence. I want that fifth fact... I refuse to feel guilty about wanting it, or stirring him a bit more awake to get it. I sigh and let my fingers wander to his cheek, brushing against his skin lightly enough to cause him to shiver.
"One more time?" I whisper against his ear. He turns toward my voice, eyes still closed. My fingers stop moving when his expression falls. He opens his mouth to speak again, this time... as clear as day.
"You used to call me Haru."