Monday

I definitely understand Haruka's feelings now. I thought I did before, but I was very wrong, this is so much worse. My stomach has been twisting into endless knots since he muttered those words in his half asleep state of mind, and when he woke up, he had no idea what I was talking about. It hurt, it really did, just constant pangs of guilt and regret because I wanted to ask him more but why should I be allowed to when I can't remember something even more important? I just let him go home and left myself alone with racing thoughts and that empty feeling in my chest.

"You used to call me Haru."

When? What does that even mean? Is he talking about what happened at Nagisa's? I tap my pen against my notebook in frustration a few times, and after a while, the blank page gives me an uneasy feeling. I click my pen and write his name across the bottom. Haruka Nanase.

Hm..

On the line above it, I write Haru Nanase. I write it as neatly as possible, paying extra attention to ending my letters with long round lines, making the words look at beautiful as possible. I can feel myself smiling unintentionally. I really do love his name. I really... do love a lot of things about him. Like what his voice sounds like when tired, or how his fingers compulsively knit together whenever there's silence, the list keeps growing with each day I spend with him. I could name a million things even now. This is actually kind of silly... when I think about it. Haruka has taken up every moment of my thoughts, and nothing else can seem to break through to me. Not even the lecture that I should be paying attention to right now. My eyes pan up to the board and I cannot read a single word that's been written. My glasses are sitting on the edge of my desk and it takes entirely too much effort to force myself to put them back on. I squint instead to try and make out what's written on the board.

"Skeletal Muscles"

Not paying attention is a huge mistake... I'm not even supposed to be taking this course this year, but I wanted to finish early, and somehow convinced my academic counselor to let me into the class on account of my good grades last semester. This material is hard, there is a lot to memorize, a lot of systems, a lot of things that can go wrong, and I'm sitting here with a blank notebook. My pen doesn't stop moving even after I realize how little I'm actually hearing from the lecture, I'm drawing little doodles around the page without even looking. I try to focus in on what the professor is saying, but there's just no way anything was going to register today.

I finally put down my pen and pull my textbook closer. The correct chapter is open and I thumb through the pages just to see how long it actually is.

15 pages.

That isn't too bad... I could probably get through this at home after the rest of my classes. That's what I usually end up doing anyway. Rei says it's a good study habit to reread everything that was gone over in class because your attention is pulled away from the words during a noisy class. That's what I have been doing all these years and it seems to work out fine.

Yeah... this will be fine.

My cell phone vibrates in my pocket, and it's louder than I remember. My eyes shift around to see if I've gained any attention, but thankfully, all the other "good" students are busy writing their notes. They all look so invested in the lesson. I sigh tiredly and slide open my phone. A text from Rin?

[I have a bad feeling about this]

Okay, in retrospect, maybe telling Rin about what happened wasn't the best idea. Especially after he was all but more eager for me to jump head first into whatever relationship Haruka and me had. Rin had a tendency to overreact... and mistrust people on a whim. Before I even had a chance to explain, Rin was angry at him. For keeping things from me, for acting like this wasn't important or worth the effort, for scaring me when I came home from the laundromat by not being in my room. But I smile to myself when I realize just how overprotective Rin is towards me; that's the big brother in him I guess.

[[Don't worry too much about it]]

I text back under my desk as quietly as I can. And I'm a huge hypocrite. Worrying is all I've been doing for the past few days. I chose to neglected my studies, I chose to drink too much, and yet, this is probably the most fun I've had since entering college. Haruka isn't a negative factor in my life, this is one thing I know for sure.

[I know I said to go for it but I changed my mind. I don't like him]

Of course you don't, Rin. But I'm gonna prove you wrong.

[[You know nothing about him]]

I finally slip my glasses back on and start absentmindedly writing down the notes, directly over my little doodles. We'll pretend I wasn't a complete child for a minute. I'm too old to be writing names in hearts anyway. So concentrate...

[Don't start acting like a teenager in love now! I'm trying to look out for you]

I laugh quietly, and without responding, I put my phone back onto my desk. Squinting, I start to jot down the words on the board mindlessly.

Myofibrils contain two types of filaments that run along the long axis of the fiber, and these filaments are arranged in hexagonal patterns. These are thick and thin filaments. Each thick filament is...

Oh god, they lost me so quickly. Physically forcing my hand to move is only earning me illegible letters barely three sentences into the paragraph. It's suddenly really surprising to think that I effortlessly made it through these types of classes for three years without any sort of distractions. Nagisa wasn't kidding when he said they haven't seen me in a long time. Have I been in some kind of trance? I rest my head on my folded hands, sighing with sudden fatigue. It's only 10am...

"Tachibana."

My eyes open wide and stare at the front of the class, where my professor stands waiting, arms crossed, lecture paused, glaring directly at me. I quickly stand.

"Unless you can explain in vivid detail the function of the sarcoplasmic reticulum, which you most likely cannot because you've had your nose buried in your phone for the past half hour, I suggest paying attention instead of taking a nap."

His lower than normal tone of voice causes me to shudder, leaving my thoughts blank and my lips slightly parted wanting to answer but having no knowledge of the subject at hand... just as he said.

And just as the entire classroom falls silent, I jump when my phone vibrates noisily against my desk, adding insult to injury. Thank you, Rin.

Feeling the intense stare from the entire classroom and hearing the occasional giggle, I turn bright red and sink back into my chair without a response. The professor resumes the lecture and after a while, the whispers die down and people stop turning around to stare at me. This is not the way I planned to spend my Monday morning..

Tuesday

I have set a new record for myself. It's impossibly late, my eyes refuse to adjust to the slim lighting in the building. My eyes have been closing for the past hour, causing me to nod off every few minutes on top of my books. At least I know nobody else is crazy enough to be in the library past eleven. I guess this was a punishment for letting myself lose focus yesterday morning, but to be honest, I'm not getting much further today.

I turn the page of the textbook that has been taunting me for the past few hours, another diagram gracing the page, complete with point six font that's impossible to read in low light. I let my forehead hit the table a little harder than I wanted. I groan when the pain shocks my body and I can hear my voice echo throughout the empty building. It didn't look like a library this late at night. The lights around campus shut off at about 10pm, since that's when the last class ends. The only light source I have is the desk lamp and it's barely bright enough to illuminate the table I'm sitting at. I won't admit this out loud, but I'm a bit afraid of the dark, and I use every ounce of my willpower to keep my eyes from wandering into the dark corners of the room or in between the bookshelves. I wish I could at least see the door. Every here and there, a tiny noise will startle me, like hearing pages turning in the far corner of the room, and I'll feel my eyes moving towards the source. But I immediately shut them, because I know if I look I'll just get scared, and I keep them closed until there is silence once again.

I've gotten through 8 pages of the chapter. The worst part is that before this weekend, I'd be able to study in the comfort of my tiny apartment. I'd be able to curl up under my blankets in bed and rest my book against the window sill beside me. I'd be able to use the light from the night sky to read because the dark isn't scary when I'm home and the doors are locked. I'd be able to have a cup of my favorite tea beside my book and I'd actually be able to focus. But when I stare at that window sill now... I just see Haruka's phone from that first morning. I see his body hanging over mine in a dizzying heat. I see his worried expression from when I had a nightmare. I just see Haruka's face sleeping peacefully against my chest, both of us under the blankets together. I can hear his shallow breaths and smell a hint of chlorine and physically feel the heat of his skin pressing to mine, it occupies every single figment of my imagination so vividly that I can't possibly calm down. Otherwise... I wouldn't be in the library... by myself... unable to focus just as equally... but out of fear instead of...

Footsteps.

I freeze immediately, and hold my breath. I'm not just imagining it this time, I actually hear footsteps. Slow, even footsteps growing louder with every passing second. Whatever it is, it's coming upstairs...

Move.

Is all my brain is screaming at me as I continue to hold my breath. My hands shake hard when I reach to turn off the desk lamp. The doorknob is turning. As quietly as possible, I stand, being careful to not make any noise, and I move behind a bookshelf. The door opens, and the footsteps come closer and closer until they stop in the middle of the room, almost directly in front of me. I press my back against the bookshelf and close my eyes, hoping to take up as little room as possible, and praying for God to spare my life for another night.

That is until I'm certain my fate has been sealed, my phone menacingly rings where I left it on the table. I've lived a good life.

"Makoto..."

Huh?

"Please don't tell me you're actually hiding..."

I let go of the breath I was holding, pressing my hand to my chest hard.

"Rei, you scared me half to death."

Rei switches the desk lamp back on, I never thought seeing his red glasses would put me at ease.

"If your phone was on silent, I would have left. You're lucky. Honestly, why were you scared at all? We're in a library, nothing bad happens in libraries!"

Oh Rei, you poor naive soul.

"It's just... a bit creepy here in the dark, you know? I've seen too many horror movies I guess," I laugh, taking my seat at the table once again. Rei scoffs, and in another moment, the room grows brighter as Rei turns on the desk lamps scattered along the other tables. Why didn't I think of that...

"I thought you could use some coffee."

I only now see that Rei is carrying two cups with him. What?! That's incredibly thoughtful! I nearly tear up from gratitude when Rei pulls up a chair across from me at my table. He hands over a cup, and the hot surface feels so good against my frigid skin.

"How did you know I was here?" The coffee burns my tongue as I take a cautious sip.

"I was actually in here a few hours ago and I saw you go upstairs. I never saw you leave so I assumed you were overworking yourself. Your desk light is visible from the upstairs window so I figured if it was still you, you could definitely use some coffee. If not... I'd just give the extra to Nagisa."

I nod and continue to sip the drink, the much needed energy hitting me almost immediately. Honestly, Rei is a saint as of now.

"I might stop and get some for him on the way home anyway, Nagisa really loves coffee."

I catch the look in Rei's eyes before it fades off into something else. He fiddles with his glasses, leaving his coffee untouched on the table near my books. I could have guessed, but maybe... it's better not to say anything at all.

"That's sweet of you, I'm sure he'd like that," I murmur. Rei closes my books and stacks them on the edge of the table.

"You think?" he offers a light smile, almost like he's second guessing himself. "No more studying tonight, okay? You're going to overwork your brain and you'll end up not remembering anything."

I sigh but I'm definitely not going to argue otherwise, "Whatever you say. Your study habits usually help anyway."

"Usually?!"

I shake my head, "Fine, always." He nods contently.

"So... what ended up happening after you left our apartment?" Rei asks seemingly out of nowhere. I look up in question but he answers before I have a chance to ask. "It's written all over your face, it's easy to tell something is still bothering you."

I slink back against my chair, "It's really that bad?"

Rei leans forward, "Unfortunately. So what happened?"

I immediately avert my eyes when I remember what transpired that night. I should definitely spare Rei the details, I still can't believe I let that happen. I'll admit that it's incredibly difficult to say no to a Haruka who can't keep his hands off you. I smirk, maybe I should take that as a compliment.

"W-Well... we stopped at the diner because of the blizzard. And his dorm is across clear across campus... so we just went back to my apartment. And..."

"I take it back, I don't want to know."

"A-Ah..." I blush, not wanting Rei to think of me in that kind of light, "He stayed the night and... I had a nightmare, which is really weird because I very rarely remember my dreams. But he looked really troubled when I woke up, and then Rin came to get me and we did our laundry like we always do. When I got back, Haruka was in my bathtub half asleep. And in his half awake half asleep state he mentioned that I used to call him Haru," my voice fizzles out by the end, the statement still causes my chest to tighten, "I don't really know what to make of that.."

Rei scratches his chin and scrunches his eyebrows, which is just like him. It means that he's thinking, or trying to piece things together that I haven't been able to.

"Well," he says after a while, "I'll tell you this much. I didn't see much of you two at the party..."

"But you DID see us as some point, right?" Maybe at this point I'm just desperate to piece things together.

"The only time I saw you two together was... when you were both on the balcony. Although, now that you mention it..." Rei frowns to himself, "As I was closing the door, I heard you laughing, and you said 'as expected of you, Haru.' I didn't think anything of it at the time but now that you mentioned the nickname, it is weird. And Haruka looked really troubled."

I frown, "What do you mean troubled?"

"Just... he looked really hurt when you said that. Maybe he thought the nickname was too friendly? Or you know, maybe it was the alcohol."

"Maybe..." I guess it does make sense that the alcohol would make me overly friendly to someone I only just met, maybe he was uncomfortable, or maybe he thought I was rude... or...

Maybe he just wanted a one night stand and it turned out like this...

I hang my head. It takes a lot to get me depressed but a single thought like that spirals me down so fast it makes me head spin.

"You didn't go home for the holidays."

I look up, confused at the changed subject. But the change in Rei's expression proves that he could tell exactly where my mind was going.

"Ah, yeah, I didn't."

"Why did you stay?"

I shrug, "My exams ran a week late, had too much to study, the fares to get back home were expensive and I don't have the money to spare. You stayed on campus too, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Rei leans back in his chair, "But it's fine. My parents went to visit my brother so I just stayed here. They came to visit me last year, we do this sort of trade off since my brother lives really far away."

"Must be tough..." I mutter, thinking of my own family whom I haven't seen in months.

"Eh, it wasn't so bad. I got to spend the holiday with Nagisa, so there's that. It was certainly eventful. I think this is tougher on you."

As I'm about to shrug it off as nothing, Rin's words from the other day flash through my head. Rei is worried about me, although he would never outright say it like Rin would, he's trying to be supportive in any way he can, and it really surprises me. I never really thought about it before.

"It's tough being away from the twins for so long after growing up taking care of them. And mom and dad keep sending care packages with letters about how they miss me. It's not so bad on a normal day, but having to spend the holidays alone was rough on me."

My coffee by now has gotten cold, but I take another sip anyway, more so to show my appreciation than anything. And Rei smiles because he understands the sentiment; he does the same.

"You should visit them when you get the chance."

I start to pack my books back into my bag for the night, a quick side smirk escapes onto my lips.

"Yeah, when I get the chance."

Wednesday

The cold is finally starting to lessen, and even though there's still piles of snow on the ground, being outside is nice today. The sky is very clear, and instead of it's normal gray winter color, it's an amazingly bright blue. You can see every snowflake shimmer on the ground, happy to be able to see such a pretty sky before they melt and return to it.

I don't have class for another two hours, and I use this time to go back to my apartment and swap my books. It's better than carrying around everything all at once, it's entirely too heavy and bad for my back. I have horrible flashbacks to my freshman year where I thought it would be productive to keep everything on me at all times. How naive was I? I still have the bruises on my shoulders as proof of my agony.

It's nice to see everybody slow down for a while. There's barely any wind today, so taking a slow walk is bearable, the cold doesn't blister your skin or freeze your lungs. Instead of rushing indoors and taking shortcuts, I'm actually taking the normal route through the middle of campus to get back home. In the quad, students have built snowmen, and snow forts stand vacant from a snowball fight earlier this morning. I'd bet any amount of money that Nagisa had something to do with it. He hates being stuck inside, so he makes the most of winter when he can. Rei doesn't mind being inside for extended periods of time, he's fine with his own company. Rin... well he's too busy with practice to really have an opinion. I like both, it really depends on my mood. I have days where I love studying outside, but I also hate the cold, so I'm conflicted. I wonder whether Haruka hates being cooped up in this kind of weather.

My eyes settle on the figure leaning back against a nearby bench just a few feet away from me, looking as content as ever. I can't tell whether the thought came first or whether seeing Haruka led to it. What is he doing here?

I take a few steps closer and I notice his eyes are closed. He's wearing a light navy jacket, no hat, no scarf, no gloves, honestly... this kid wants to harm my health. When I get even closer, I notice he has earbuds in. So that's why he looks so content, he's probably lost in his own little world. A sudden idea strikes me...

I bend down to pick up some snow, packing it tightly between my hands. I form a snowball and smirk to myself, because I'm very rarely devious but this is too easy to not take advantage of. I face Haruka, taking one closer step for better aim. I pull my arm back, ready to unleash my attack.

"Don't you dare."

Haruka stares me right in the eyes, fully coated with intent to murder me if I so much as breathe in his direction. The snowball drops from my hand and falls apart on the ground beside me.

"Ahha, sorry Haruka. It was too difficult to pass up!" I smile in hopes that he won't actually act on his homicidal urges when I take a seat beside him. His face softens when he closes his eyes again and the weight on my shoulders immediately decreases.

"Your eyes were closed, how'd you know?"

He peeks one eye open at me, "I heard you in the snow. Your footsteps and your hands, it was obvious what you were planning."

I sigh, and here I thought I was being sneaky. I guess I wasn't ever meant to be devious.

"You heard me over your music?" I add, still feeling defeated. He shakes his head and suddenly takes out one earbud and puts it in my ear. The music I hear on the other end is calm and ambient. There's no lyrics and yet it flows incredibly well. I've never heard music like this before!

"What is this?"

The song slows, the beat in the background stops, and I now see why Haruka was able to hear me. The song itself is rather calm and quiet. It suits his personality perfectly.

"Tycho."

I blink, "Come again?"

He sighs. "The artist... it's Tycho." I've never heard of them. "Were you headed home?"

"Y-Yeah... I don't have class for another two hours. What about you?"

"...I was gonna go to the athletics department," he points to the building in front of us, "but there were too many people." Haruka stands, effectively pulling the earbud from my ear when I least expect it. He heads in the opposite direction of the athletics building.

"Hey!" I stand and run to catch up with him. Why does he leave without saying anything like that? "Where are you going?!"

Haruka wraps the headphones back around his music player and shoves his hands into his pocket. He doesn't stop or turn to face me even once.

"Not sure, I don't have class for the rest of the day. I might just wander around campus," he mutters. I can't tell if this is just my hopeful projection... but it sounds to me like he's fishing. Have I seriously lost my mind? Someone has to snap me out of this.

"Haruka..."

He stops, only half turning to look at me, eyes shimmering in the most pleading and adorable way known to man. My heart has stopped. I can't deal with this level of Haruka Nanase.

"Wanna just hang out at my apartment for a bit? I have class in two hours but... I don't really mind," I choke out boldly. You'd think this would have been easy by now.

He faces forward again and starts walking east, where my apartment was located. "I suppose."

He waits for me to catch up to him, tapping his foot impatiently when I don't run. I catch his sleeve when I'm standing beside him.

"Hey..." I shouldn't cross boundaries, "Let me see your hands." But I have no self control.

Haruka raises an eyebrow, "What for..."

"Please?"

He's really antsy, meaning... he's still uncomfortable around me. But nevertheless, he takes his hands out of his pockets and holds them out. I take his right hand, turning his palm down, and look over his fingers. There are fresh tears along the tips, barely any skin has been left untouched, and his nails are bitten down as far as possible.

"You really need to cut back on this habit..." I murmur, sliding my fingers gently over the angry skin.

"Why?" He asks in a breathy voice. His fingers twitch when I interlock them with mine.

"Because even the little parts of you deserve love," I say without thinking. When I look up, Haruka's cheeks are tinted pink, and it's the first time I ever see him fully blushing.

"A-AH! I didn't mean..." I stammer, quickly pulling my hands back to myself, "I didn't..."

In the distance, I can see a group of students leaving the athletic department, and one in particular stands out.

"Rin?" I say to myself, questioning my eyesight.

"Mm?" Haruka turns and sees the group too, "Oh, they left..."

"They must have been training today too," I laugh. Before I even have a chance to look twice, Haruka is heading back towards the building.

"Sorry, we'll hang out another time!" he yells back to me, pulling his bag over his shoulder and running off.

I might be a little crazy... but I swear... I see a swimsuit peeking out when his shirt rides up his back.

Thursday

My last classes of the week are on Thursday, I left Friday open for studying and down time and it was very smart of me to do. I'm barely getting any sleep this week; I yawn hopelessly as I walk into the little tea shop along my way home.

"Still not getting any sleep, Makoto?" a friendly voice asks the moment I walk in, body half hidden behind the counter.

"Not much, I'm afraid. Got anything that will help, Nitori?" I ask with a smile. He stands on his tiptoes to see me beyond the height of the tea makers and waves to me. The last time I was in here, he gave me a tea called 'Lavender Dreams' which was supposed to make me fall asleep. Unfortunately though, I didn't really like the taste.

"I don't have any other sleepy time teas but!" he crouches down and rummages through the cabinets. He pulls out a familiar orange box. "I got your favorite back in stock!" He opens the lid and the scent of the tea leaves fills my senses. The same tea I shared with Haruka on our first morning together, which literally used up the last of my supply.

"I'll take it, I just ran out too!" I laugh. What a stroke of luck, I usually have to wait for it to be back in the shop. I pull out my pitifully thin wallet and hand over my payment.

"No, no, wait! I haven't told you the best part yet!" Nitori beams, hastily pouring the tea into a container for me, "I've had a new customer lately. He asked specifically for this flavor, which is why I recently got it in stock before you asked. On top of buying it, he forwarded a payment... specifically for you."

My eyes grow wide, "W-What?"

"Yeah! He said that he knew you'd be coming in eventually to get more, so he wanted to cover it! So you're actually all set!"

There's no way he's talking about Haruka right? He wouldn't do something like that for me... A shipment takes at minimum 3 days to come in... if this was true, Haruka would have had to ask for the tea on Monday... or earlier...

"Who was it?" I asked, leaning over the counter.

"Heh, by the look on your face, you already know."

Nitori, now isn't the time!

He hands over the container with a smile. To be honest... I don't really have the money to spare. I have loans to pay off, food to buy, water and heating bills, cell phone bills... and I was about to fork over the last of my money for tea. If this really is Haruka's work... this is beyond thoughtful of him and honestly one of the things I needed most right now. Little acts of kindness.

"Thanks," I murmur, smile all too wide. Nitori smiles too, I think he has his suspicions, but I have my own too.

"Can you do me a favor?" he asks while continuing his earlier work, creating a fresh brew to put out onto the tables.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"How is Rin doing?"

I look up questioningly, "Last time we spoke he was fine, why do you ask?"

Nitori frowns, "He's been hanging around this part of campus all week... and he looks worse and worse everyday. I know it isn't really my business... but could you check on him? I'm worried."

It wasn't difficult to notice that Rin hasn't been himself. He overworks himself more than anyone I know. It happens often, but I usually notice it before anybody else does. To have Nitori notice... is worrisome indeed.

"Yeah, I'll stop by his apartment before I go home." I place the tea into my bag and sling it over my back again, heavy books weighing me down like always. Nitori nods thankfully and waves as I leave the store.

"Rin?" I knock for the third time still without an answer. He has to be home, the light in his kitchen is on. I knock again, louder and louder.

"Rin, please notify me if you're alive in there!" I shout. Maybe it would be a better idea to call him... I dial his number hastily, my anxiety worsening with every silent second. Pulling it up to my ear, I can hear the phone ring inside his apartment too. So he definitely is home, he doesn't go anywhere without his phone. But the rings continue unanswered. One after the other until..

'You've reached Rin Matsuoka, say what you've got to say or go away.'

Rin... your voicemail is too abrasive. I hang up before the beep and dial again.

One ring...

Two rings...

Three rings...

Four ri-

"TACHIBANA, SHUT THE FUCK UP."

The door swings open, a very angry Rin storms towards me grabbing my phone out of my hand, and returning to his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

"…"

"RIN, GIVE BACK MY PHONE!" I pound my fist on his door.

"Hell no, you're driving me crazy," his shouts die down to an only slightly angrier than usual tone.

I let my head lightly fall against the door, "Look, I'm sorry, but I'm worried about you. Nitori is worried about you, can you please just let me in?"

"What does Nitori have to do with this?" his voice again grows quieter.

"He mentioned that you looked different when he saw you around the shop this week, he asked me to check on you."

After a moment of silence, I could hear a defeated sigh, and the click of the door once again being opened. Rin frowns when he lets me in and hands me back my phone. I'm just about to take off my shoes when I get a good look at the place. There are books and papers scattered everywhere, piles of dishes in the sink, his clothes unfolded and left all over the floor, and Rin himself... looks worse than the apartment.

"What in the world happened?" I ask, looking for any sign or answer from Rin's exasperated expression.

"Nothing, that's why I didn't want you to come in. I just haven't had time to clean," he sighs, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

"Rin..." I near him cautiously, "It's not the apartment I'm talking about... you look awful."

"Huh? N-No, I'm fine." He presses himself against the wall, trying to back away from me. Seriously, such a child.

"Rin, hold on!" He backs into a corner, unable to escape any further from me. I stretch my hand forward and he flinches, closing his eyes and turning his head away.

"Don't..." he pleads. I really could careless about his pleas when he's in this state of chaos. I'm slow about it, but I bring my hand up to his forehead, pushing his messy hair back out of his eyes while I'm at it. He's really warm.

"You weren't gonna say anything, were you?" I groan, amazed at his stupidity.

"Mmn..." he takes a deep breath, "Won't let me practice... if I do. Can you keep your hand there for a while, you're really cold... feels good."

"How could they not tell... honestly?"

Rin tries to stand up straight, but immediately staggers backwards, holding onto my arm for support. The room is probably spinning for him, I can't believe he didn't take care of this sooner. I switch hands, placing the back of my palm still cold from the outside weather to his cheek, and watch as his expression softens from a look of pain to one of content.

"Come on, I'm putting you to bed," I mutter not giving him any option when I sling his arm over my shoulders. He doesn't protest and slides his feet slowly across the ground, leaning nearly all of his weight on me as we go along. Thankfully his bedroom isn't far, the layouts of our apartments are the same. Carefully, I let him down, and he curls up into his blankets the moment his hands can find them.

"I'm gonna clean up your apartment, okay?"

He nods slightly, face now buried in his pillow.

"And I'll bring you water..." I add when I notice him shivering. This kid would let himself die before missing practice. It's just as I said before... a complete overachiever. I shake my head in disbelief and leave the room, picking up the scattered articles of clothing along the way.

"Mmmthanks..." I hear Rin moan from the other room... and I suddenly feel really bad for him. He really does overwork himself, he feels like he doesn't have the option for down time, he's kind of exactly like me with school work. I feel bad when I'm not studying, or applying myself to clinicals, or taking naps at 4pm. It's tough, but Rin is a lot stronger than I am. Then again, I have more sense than he does.

And yet... even with all that in mind, I can't shake the feeling that there's something more to it. Something that Rin isn't telling me.

Both at once, my phone and Rin's ring loudly through the now quiet apartment. Rin's phone is in the kitchen with me, but I leave it alone and reach for mine.

"Who is it now?!" Rin cries in agony.

I toss Rin's clothes into the nearby closet and slide my phone open when my hands are free. It's from Nagisa.

[Round 2 at my place tomorrow starting at 9! Tell friends! BYOB]

I roll my eyes.

"It's just Nagisa," I shout back to Rin. I start picking up all the papers off the floor.

"What's he want?"

"He's having another party."

I straighten up the books on the table and lay the papers underneath so they won't fly away. Eh, maybe the apartment wasn't as bad as I originally thought, it's already looking better. At least I can see the floor now. I pause and turn to the cabinets, remembering that I promised Rin a drink. I also stop at his medicine cabinet to find a thermometer and a fever reducer. It can't hurt to be careful after all, I definitely don't want Rin having to do anything with my area of work. I fill a glass with water and return to the bedroom, where Rin has made himself perfectly comfortable sprawled out on the bed.

"It's easy to forget how old you are..." I tease, taking a seat on the edge and helping him sit up.

"Hey, we should go!" Rin suddenly beams.

"What?"

"To Nagisa's party! You finally ended up going last week-"

"And that was my first and last party at Nagisa's. Here." I hand him the thermometer.

"But I haven't ever gone yet! And... I don't think I'm going to be able to practice tomorrow..."

That asshole... he's trying to pull my sympathy strings! Instead of humoring him with an answer, I take the thermometer and stick it in his mouth.

"Mahho-to," Rin tries to plead but I give him the sternest look I can possibly manage. I point insistently at my mouth telling him to be quiet and keep his mouth shut, and I finally get through to him when I catch him rolling his eyes.

Thank god...

I must be having some sort of future deja-vu moment because I swear I can picture the younger patients I will one day work with being this difficult. Rin isn't older than me, but why am I taking care of him like he's my little brother? Well... I did take care of the twins like this many times before when they were sick and fussy. I smile from the nostalgic memory.

The beep snaps me out of my thoughts and I pull the thermometer out of Rin's mouth.

"Am I dying?" Rin asks sarcastically.

"Literally on your death bed, 102.5. You probably made it this bad by swimming while sick," I lecture, handing him the glass of water and pills. He downs them without a fight this time and drinks almost all the water. I move the glass to his nightstand when he's done, and he falls back onto his pillow, trying to get back in his comfortable position.

"If I stay home from practice tomorrow, can we go to Nagisa's party?"

I stand and leave the room, again, without giving him an answer.

Friday

I don't believe this.

I have no idea how this could have happened.

It's very possible that Rin drugged me... or kidnapped me... or sweet talked me into this because he knows exactly how to make me feel bad and take advantage of me.

"Mako-chan! Rin-chan!" Nagisa cries, running over to us, drinks in hand.

"No way, I'm not having a repeat of last weekend!" I immediately hold my hands up in protest, ignoring the completely heartbroken look Nagisa gives me. Rin takes a drink and eyes the liquid before taking a sip.

"Hm.. this is pretty good actually. What is it?"

Nagisa smirks, "Strawberry vodka. Exactly what made Makoto so fun to be around last week. I brought it special for you, you know!" He glares at me.

"Nagisa, cut it out!" Rei calls from the other room. The little blond sighs, and finally gives up, instead downing the entire cup himself and running back to the other room where most of the other occupants were.

"You're not gonna drink?" Rin asks me in the middle of another sip.

"I doubt it would be a good idea... considering the consequences I'm still dealing with."

Rin shrugs, "I dunno, maybe it'll jog your memory."

Huh. He does have a point... but I'm sticking with my sober plan. No good can come from me drinking again.

"Speaking of which..." Rin taps my shoulder with the back of his hand and points towards the door. The second I catch a glimpse of those deep blue eyes, I feel my heart jump into my throat.

It's Haruka...

"Did you know he was coming? I didn't know he was coming. Someone should have told me he was coming. Why didn't you tell me he was coming?" I stammer.

"Whoa, Makoto," Rin laughs, "Relax. You've been seeing him all week. He spent all weekend getting to know a very personal side of you, I think going and talking to him is a given at this point."

I can't hear Rin over the sound of my dignity packing its bags and leaving. The loud music isn't helping. The low light isn't either. My hands nervously mess with my hair, tug on my shirt, knit together unsure of what to do with themselves, anything to keep from looking awkward... which is only making me look awkward.

"I really don't get why you're nervous," Rin pats my back. I harshly suck in my breath in hopes of calming down.

"Maybe it's because we're in front of people..."

I glance over at Rin who is peering into his cup. He points it towards me.

"All out~" he sings, "I'm gonna get more." He starts to head towards Nagisa when I grab his sleeve, completely on impulse and unintentionally. But I guess... I guess one more time couldn't hurt...

"Bring me some too..."

This was a great idea.

An absolutely fantastic idea...

I bitterly say to myself in the most sarcastic tone I can imagine.

The alcohol didn't boost my confidence, it just made my head feel swimmy. Instead of laughing with the other people here like Rin was, I'm leaning against a back wall people watching. Specifically... Haru watching. Rei had given him a drink about ten minutes ago and they have been talking ever since.

That should be my time... That should be me making him smile, making him laugh in that sweet voice.

I look down into my third cup of Strawberry Vodka. A little under half left. I shut my eyes tightly and drink the rest in one take. It burns my throat on the way down... worse than I thought it would, but I actually kind of like it. It makes my nerves settle for just a bit, makes me want to take a step forward and yank Haru from Rei's greedy clutches and make him mine. In fact, taking a step forward is exactly what I'm doing. When did I start moving?

I blink twice, and suddenly I'm standing before Nagisa, who is smiling a very evil smile at me.

"See? I told you it would loosen you up," he says, refilling my cup. I open my mouth to tell him I don't want any more, but the words... they don't match up with what I want to say. I just manage to slur out a 'thanks' and Nagisa's laughter fills my head when I turn around. I'm not that drunk yet, am I?

My eyes refocus on Haru again; he looks at me for a split second before turning his head. No way, I refuse to let him pretend I'm not here. Especially not after everything we went through. I know too much of him to be ignored. I push my insecurity aside and march forward until I'm finally standing before Haru.

"Oh hey, Makoto!" Rei jumps back when he notices me. I smile, bringing a hand up to wave. But when I suddenly unintentionally giggle, I cover my mouth instead. Rei and Haru both give me a weird look.

"W-What's up?" I manage through my laughter.

"Ah, Haruka was just asking about my political program, but..." Rei looks over to where Nagisa was standing, still wearing that smirk, "I think Nagisa needs my help with something so I'll leave you two alone!"

Rei practically runs to the other room, but I still can't seem to tear my eyes away from Haru's smile.

"How've you been?" he asks calmly, taking a sip of his drink.

"A-Ah, I've been good. How about you? What did you end up doing on Wednesday?"

Haru's eyes narrow and smile drops. He looks to the side before answering, "Went swimming."

"Ahhah, I thought I saw you wearing a swimsuit. Is that common habit?"

He shrugs, "I guess.."

"MAKOTO!"

I jump when I hear Rin's voice echo loudly throughout the room. By the time I see where he is, he's already storming over to me.

"You have to help me," he grips my shoulders frantically. I turn to Haru but he has already started walking away.

"Haru wai-" I reach out my arm but Rin's grip is too strong.

"Gou and Mikoshiba disappeared. I can't find them anywhere. You have to help me find them!" Rin practically shakes me.

"Ah, Rin, now isn't the best time!" I try to pull his hands off my shoulders.

"I can't believe my little sister would do this to me. I ask one thing of her, Makoto! One thing! Don't hook up with Seijuuro and what does she do?! She disappears with him at a party!" Rin rants.

"Rin, she's old enough to make her own decisions," I try to reason.

"NO! Not with Mikoshiba. Not with that cocky playboy, have you heard the stories some girls have about him?! I refuse to let my baby sister be another notch on his long list of girls!"

Again, I try to pull Rin's hands off me, "You know how rumors start, people will say anything to make themselves look better! You shouldn't liste-"

"I have bent over backwards for Gou's sake so she could have a good life and this is how she repays me?! I won't stand for it.

Okay, so drunk Rin doesn't listen to reason...

"Is that Gou going into Nagisa's bedroom?"

I have never seen a boy run so fast in my life. Rin tears himself away from me and bolts across the room, effectively knocking into several people.

"GOU MATSUOKA YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!" he screams as he runs into the other room. Nagisa curiously peeks out from the kitchen when a crowd begins to gather in the hallway.

"No, no, no, RinRin! You promised you wouldn't do this!" Nagisa cries, dropping his drink and fighting to get through the crowd. Rei follows, wearing a worried expression. The extent of the noise is really making my head hurt. People are yelling at Rin while Rin is yelling at a nonexistent Gou, and Nagisa is trying to overpower everybody... bless his tiny soul.

And...

Haru is standing on the balcony... completely alone.

And completely quiet.

I'm not going to get a better opportunity than this. Before I have any chance to second guess myself, I hurry towards the balcony door and quickly slip through the opening, closing it behind me and blocking out the noise. Haru turns to face me when he hears my footsteps. He doesn't say anything, but he also doesn't look angry. In fact... he looks kind of sad.

"Too much noise for you too?" I ask, leaning against the railing beside him. He shrugs, continuing to look out towards the night sky. When I realize I still wasn't going to get an answer from him, I take a deep breath, and suck up my pride.

"Look, I'm sorry. I know that I'm a bad drunk, I should have learned my lesson last week but... I thought maybe the vodka would give me some courage," I explain with a slight nervous laugh. I pray that the alcohol will wear off soon, or at least me saying so will lighten the mood. I don't want Haru to wear such a pained expression anymore. This time though, he turns to face me full on with curious eyes. I take a step back, completely surprised to see such a serious look instead.

"You know you said that last weekend too," he says quietly.

"Eh?"

"That you're a bad drunk, and that you hoped it would give you courage. You said that to me right here, in that same voice, with the same broken laugh." He rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand. "It's getting more and more difficult to keep doing this, you know..."

I lose all ability to breathe when I see his fingers. The skin completely torn apart, fresh blisters present, long red patches where the skin has been pulled off, and any that remained... bright pink and obviously in pain.

"Haru..."

He pulls his hand down, eyes just about ready to overflow. He turns away and leans over the railing again. And that's when I hear it. His ever so faint laugh. It hits my eardrums harder than any of the sound inside. His voice cracks when he speaks again.

"Why do you have to say my name now?"

I press my hand to my lips, eyes wide when I realize what I have just said. It came without any thought and rolled off my tongue so effortlessly, it didn't seem out of the ordinary at all. His nickname has occupied my thoughts all night and I haven't even noticed, as if it had belonged there this whole time.

"You used to call me Haru..."

"Makoto, I like you," the sudden confession catches me off guard. His voice is frantic, just about ready to break, kind of like me, but he reaches over and takes my hand before I have any time to fall back. "I like you in a way that is more than just a one night stand. More than trying to run out before you even have time to serve me breakfast. More than buying your favorite tea because it smells like your apartment. More than your scarf around my neck. More than trying to trick you into inviting me over..."

I can't breathe.

"In a way that is more than just me writing my name on your mirror..."

His fingers close around my hand, holding me tighter than I knew possible. He trembles against me, biting his lip, and when he finally turns to look at me, his barriers are no longer withholding. He's no longer shutting me out.

"I can't handle it anymore."

He stands in front of me with his soul bare and I see, for the first time, everything that is Haruka Nanase.

"I know..." I whisper, bringing a gentle hand up to his cheek.

It strikes me like a bolt of lightning, like the final puzzle piece was handed to me after trying to sort through a million that didn't fit. The things that I have been trying to click into place just mesh, and instead of unveiling like something hidden behind a curtain, I'm thrown into the water, much much deeper than I anticipated, and I sink farther and farther in a moments notice with no hopes of reaching the surface any time soon until...

I remember everything.