Going Back
By: Katerinaki
Published: April 9, 2015
Beta'ed: No
Notes: Thank you to those who read and reviewed the last chapter. This is the last chapter that I have written in its entirety. Every other update from here out will depend on my writing time/speed. I apologize in advance if it's not as fast, but these are long chapters and I have a job that keeps very long and tiresome hours. Thank you in advanced for your patience and understanding.
Chapter 3:
Master Quin was leaving. It was only expected, though. The war might be over, but the Grand Army of the Republic remained and there were still many worlds that still fought. Master Quin was called on once more to lead a battalion of troopers, only this time he said it would be different.
"I'm not storming any strongholds," Master Quin told Kelreen as she saw him off in the hangar of the Jedi Temple. "We are going to establish peace. It's just like any other mission."
Kelreen nodded, but she couldn't help but think that it wasn't. So much had changed. Was it even possible to go back to the way things were? Would missions ever be simply trade negotiations or peace treaties? Walking around the Temple, she could still see many Jedi wearing the specialized armor from the wars. All of the Knights and Masters, and even some of the padawans still wore it, even within the supposed safe confines of the Jedi Temple. And for all his talk about establishing peace Master Quin wore it too as he climbed into his Jedi starfighter with its modified turbolaser cannons and proton torpedoes.
She watched as he ran through his preflight checks all from memory, not even glancing at the flight book. There was a time when Jedi hardly ever used starfighters. Now the initiates were trained with them in flight simulators. The engines of his starfighter whirred to life and the cockpit began to close. Master Quin looked up at Kelreen and smiled, winking as he'd done many times before. Kelreen mustered up a smile in return as she stepped away. She watched his starfighter rise off its legs and fly out, cutting off half a space lane before it was out of sight.
And then she was alone.
She had no more classes for the day and she'd spent so much time in the archives recently that she was caught up in all of her course work. Master Nu had made a comment the other day that perhaps she should assign Kelreen research tasks, to take some of the work from her and her team. Kelreen had readily agreed, to Master Nu's great surprise. It was only a week later that Master Nu pushed her out of the archives, telling her that a padawan should be active and not bent over a research station all day. It was most unlike the archives mistress.
Not having any work and not willing to go back to her quarters and face the visions and memories that kept her from sleep, Kelreen took to wandering the Temple. When she was a young initiate she'd spent many hours exploring the Jedi Temple with her fellow Dragon clan members, and even some from other clans. They would sometimes go down to the maintenance level and laugh at the broken droids that made funny sounds and tried to hop around on only one leg. Other times they would peek into the private training salles and watch with wide eyes and agape mouths as Knights, and sometimes even Council members, sparred and practiced lightsaber forms they'd never even seen before.
But Kelreen always remembered their favorite place to go were the Temple's gardens. The Jedi Temple had many beautiful gardens and each one was modeled after a different world. There were some that were lush jungles, others with tall, bright flowers that stretched up to the artificial-sun lights. Some had little trickling streams and others were strange and held just one or two plants amid tall rock formations. Their favorite was always the waterfall room. A never-ending stream tumbled over a rocky cliff about 10 meters high and emptied into a fairly large pool. Trees grew around the edges of the pool and reached out like the initiates had, trying to see who could go the farthest without falling off the edge. The waterfall room was the perfect place to play after a long, tiring saber training session with Master Yoda. Kelreen and her friends would leap off the top of the waterfall and try to outdo each other with their tricks. They'd dive under the crashing waters into the air pocket behind the waterfall and then leap out and scare each other. Kelreen's favorite was always to make a temporary opening in the waterfall, only to let it crash down on an unsuspecting clan mate.
That was where Kelreen's feet took her after seeing Master Quin off. The waterfall room was just as she'd remembered it, if a little bit smaller. Kelreen walked around to the lone kuvara tree that stood just at the edge of the pool. They'd always set their things under the kuvara tree, and when they'd gotten hungry they'd shimmy up its trunk and pluck the sweet, juicy fruits from its branches. Kelreen sat down in the grass under the kuvara tree and leaned back against its sturdy trunk.
It was the first time she'd been still and alone and the visions did not come forward. The black hole was there. She could feel it, just at the back of her mind. She could always feel it, though for the moment it seemed content to remain quiet. Kelreen sat and listened to the soft roar of the waterfall. It reminded her of the mission she and Master T'Bolton had taken to M'haeli, just after he'd asked her to be his padawan. It was a simple courier mission. They'd delivered their missive to King Mal'syk at the royal palace in N'croth without any problems and then Master T'Bolton took Kelreen up to the W'eston Falls high above the capital. There they'd looked down upon the agricultural fields of M'haeli that stretched on to kilometers as far as the eye could see. Master T'Bolton explained how the fields were tended by the H'drachi, the indigenous people of M'haeli who were naturally Force-sensitive. The H'drachi called the Force "the time-stream" and believed that they would endure through the time-stream.
"The Jedi have a similar belief," Master T'Bolton said.
"There is no death, there is the Force," Kelreen replied.
"Exactly. When a Jedi dies, they rejoin the Force, becoming one with it once more. When one of our own rejoins the Force, we may feel the loss of their immediate presence, but we should not mourn them. They are not truly gone. We can feel them each time we call upon the Force."
Kelreen was brought back from the memory by a hand that brushed her shoulder. Reacting on instinct nurtured in war, she immediately rolled just out of reach and was on her feet with her lightsaber in hand within the blink of an eye. There was a time when Kelreen would have simply turned her head and looked up. But then, during the Battle of Mimban, her and her troopers had been taken by surprise. All but Kelreen and three troopers were killed. She never let her guard down again after that. Had the intruder been a Separatist droid it would've been sliced from shoulder to hip. But Kelreen wasn't facing the Separatists anymore. Their armies were little more than scrap. Her green blade clashed against blue and the two energy blades cracked as the charged ions interacted. Kelreen came face to face with an image she'd seen many times before, from afar and splashed across the HoloNet. Master Obi-Wan Kenobi met her Shien slash with a defensive Soresu block, his expression never portraying more than the neutral Jedi calm, despite the sudden, unexpectedness of Kelreen's attack.
Within a second, Kelreen's mind registered that she had not only attacked a fellow Jedi, but an esteemed High Council member, not to mention the Republic's "Negotiator". She deactivated her saber almost as quickly as she'd drawn it and took a few steps back, embarrassment overtaking any other thoughts she may have had. Unfortunately, the trunk of the kuvara tree she had been sitting under stood very close to the edge of the pool. Kelreen's foot stepped back on nothing but air and before she could catch herself she fell backwards into the pool with a large splash.
The cold water centered her better than an hour's meditation could have. It brought her racing mind to focus and forced her to only think about getting to the surface. Her lungs ached from water inhaled in the initial plunge. As Kelreen broke the surface of the pool, she gasped for air and immediately began coughing. A hand reached out to help her and Kelreen caught it, letting it pull her back onto the grass as her body attempted to clear her lungs. At last Kelreen was able to breathe properly again. She greedily took long gulps of air until she'd caught her breath and her heart rate slowed. Only then did she become aware that, not only was Master Kenobi still there, he was kneeling over her with concern.
"I am sorry for startling you," he apologized as he draped a dry robe over her shoulders. It wasn't Kelreen's. That hung across her back, dripping wet like the rest of her. When she looked up, she found Master Kenobi wearing just his tunic. It was his own robe, then.
"No," Kelreen said, her voice raspy from coughing. "I should apologize. I overreacted. It is not the Jedi way to draw a lightsaber against any who surprise them."
Master Kenobi shrugged. "We all have many habits born from the war. I have learned how to sleep dangling from my arms on a wall."
Kelreen winced. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for attacking you. I'm sorry you were forced to learn such a skill.
"It is nothing you or anybody else should be sorry for," Master Kenobi said. "Our past shapes who we are. It is neither good nor bad, unless we allow it to be."
"Yes, Master Kenobi." The words ached. She'd said them so many times before as an epilogue to every lesson Master T'Bolton had ever taught her.
"Do not worry about the future or dwell on the past. Focus on the moment."
"Yes, Master."
"Never forget, Padawan, we are Jedi. We do not allow our emotions to rule us."
"Yes, Master."
"Trust in the Force to guide you, Padawan. It will see you through even your greatest trials."
"Yes, Master," Kelreen whispered, her breath stolen as the black hole in her mind widened, like a great beast unhinging its jaws to swallow her whole.
Obi-Wan watched Kelreen's eyes. A simple phrase, "Yes, Master", brought forth so many intense emotions. Pain and loss were the most prevalent. Obi-Wan was very familiar with them. He had felt them too, just after losing Master Qui-Gon. But there was also a deep, abiding fear. Fear of what, Obi-Wan could only guess. Fear, perhaps, that she would be cast aside? Or maybe she feared that she would be next to follow her Master into the Force. He saw loneliness too, even in the heart of the Jedi Temple. With the war over there were many Jedi returning to the Temple. The halls seemed to buzz with activity, the likes of which Obi-Wan hadn't seen since before the invasion of Naboo. Obi-Wan knew that orphaned padawans were placed into a special training group known to the padawans as the "Sea Turtle Clan". Baby sea turtles are left by their mother to hatch and find their way to the sea on their own. The padawans in the training group aren't left alone though. They have lessons with Temple Battle-masters and other Masters who also teach the initiate clans. Some are old enough to finish their training and take their Trials in this group. Others are chosen as padawans to new masters. Whatever their circumstances, no padawan is alone. At least, they shouldn't be.
"I would like to apologize again, Master Kenobi, but I should be leaving. I have research to do before my Galactic Politics class this afternoon and Master Nu will not allow me into the archives like…this." She gestured down to her still dripping clothes.
Obi-Wan nodded. "Of course," he said. Kelreen began to remove Obi-Wan's robe but he held up a hand, stopping her. "Keep it for now. Return it when you have the chance."
Had Obi-Wan been a normal Jedi Knight, Kelreen likely would have insisted on returning the cloak. But being a Council member had some perks and Kelreen didn't argue. She merely bowed respectfully and left, her boots leaving wet footprints along the path. Obi-Wan watched her go with a frown. He knew that Kelreen had finished her research. Master Nu had commented on Kelreen's presence in the archives in recent weeks when he had taken the ciphered messages to her. Apparently she too was worried about the padawan. Considering Master Nu's focus seemed only ever on her archives, Kelreen had to be spending almost every waking hour in the archives. No padawan class required that much research. It was easy to see why Kelreen might be feeling alone.
But why was she doing so much research? Spending time in the archives was a choice. But what would drive her to bury herself in such boring, tedious work? It was odd behavior for one who seemed to be unable to let go of a former master. When Obi-Wan had lost his own, he had passed through many different stages. Once the shock had worn off, he'd tried to think about what he could've done differently, so that Master Qui-Gon was still alive. Perhaps he could have run faster. Or he could have anticipated the Sith trying to separate them. But Obi-Wan couldn't stay in that stage because Anakin needed him. He couldn't fail Master Qui-Gon's last request, so he threw himself into Anakin's training, intent on making him the finest Jedi Knight the Order had ever seen. And Anakin had become a great Jedi. His actions saved many people, for all the bumps along the way. Yes, Anakin had helped Obi-Wan. He hadn't had the time to dwell on his own loss; Anakin needed him.
Perhaps the archives were Kelreen's attempt at finding her own "Anakin".
Regardless, it was out of his hands. Yoda and Mace would find a master for Kelreen. Obi-Wan had the rest of the galaxy, and possibly the continuation of the Jedi Order, to think about. If the Sith Lord was not found soon, all those who died in the war, all the clones, civilians, and Jedi, would have given their lives for nothing. Even now as he thought about one struggling padawan, the Sith Lord could be plotting to destroy everything the Jedi Order sacrificed for. He couldn't afford to be distracted. Master Nu and her team would crack the ciphers. In the meantime, Obi-Wan could be searching for more clues. They had the Separatist High Council in custody. He couldn't question them through the official channels. Not if someone close to the Chancellor is the Sith Lord.
Obi-Wan sighed heavily. It looked like he would be breaking into the Republic Courts' secured holding cells, again.
The main refectory was crowded. Many Jedi had just returned, having finally declared peace in the Outer Rim. Since the end of the war the Jedi Temple was slowly becoming more and more crowded, although Kelreen knew that it was not nearly as busy as it had been before the Clone War. With so many Jedi lost, it would take many years to regain the numbers they had before the Battle of Geonosis. Still, Kelreen was used to being able to sit in the corner and mechanically eat her food without being bothered. That just didn't seem to be the case anymore. She was surprised when a female padawan around her age with the pale skin and the antennapalps of a Balosar and a male, blue-skinned Rutian Twi'lek set their trays down right in front of her.
"I'm Lyna, this is Zaz," the Balosar said. "You didn't look busy."
Kelreen did have her datapad out, but she was only looking through yet another boring court case of another Separatist supporter being brought up on charges. They were always the same and Kelreen had read enough of them that she could probably write the report without actually being privy to the proceedings.
"You're in our saber class," Zaz added. "With Master Wren. I remember watching you fight the other day."
Kelreen winced. She'd been distracted during that fight and it ended with her on her back and Master Wren's green blade at her neck. The Shistavanen master had grinned down at her in the menacing way all Shistavanen grinned and proceeded to help her to her feet and then discipline her for not maintaining her focus. A Jedi always had to maintain his or her center in battle. Losing focus was the easiest way to get yourself killed. It was how Kelreen's master had been killed. Master Wren hadn't said that, but Kelreen knew it was the truth. She had lost her focus, had let herself become distracted by the urgency of the fighting and the losses they were sustaining.
"You're really good," Zaz interrupted her thoughts and Kelreen saw a brief flash of concern cross his face.
"That's 'cause all she does is train and study," Lyna replied, poking at the food on her tray. "Haven't you seen her? If she's not trashing droids in the training room she's in the Archives. You need to get out more. Live while you can, 'cause as soon as you hit Knighthood it will be all missions and training a padawan." Lyna winked at Zaz, obviously sharing the memory of a past exploit between the two of them. Kelreen wasn't impressed. Even before she became padawan to Master T'Bolton, she'd never snuck out of the Jedi Temple. She knew some initiates and padawans did that, but it was highly frowned upon. Padawans and initiates weren't to leave the Temple grounds without the permission of their master or the knight in charge of their clan. Patrols had been doubled during wartime and had yet to relax since.
"I'm perfectly content," Kelreen replied curtly.
Lyna snorted. "You're miserable! We can all see it. So here's what you're going to do. There's an…outing tonight. All the rest of the Sea Turtles are going and Zaz insisted we drag you along too. So I'll help you get ready after evening meditation."
"I don't—"
"See you tonight then." Lyna stood, taking her uneaten tray with her and left the refectory. Zaz lingered a moment longer, giving Kelreen a sympathetic smile.
"I know she can be a little abrupt, but you should come. We all know how it is…it's not easy and this helps. Trust me."
"It's still dangerous," Kelreen hissed lowly at him. "The war is only just over."
"We're careful, and we take our lightsabers with us. I pity the Seps who try to go for us. It'll be a lot of fun, you'll see."
Kelreen seriously doubted that. Still, after her afternoon galactic politics class she returned to her quarters and tried to sift through her few possessions to find something suitable for the evening. As a Jedi, she had few things of her own, but she did have a few articles of non-Jedi clothing. Master Quin had been responsible for them. In some cases, it was better you didn't look the part. She had picked out a pair of tight pants, designed for riding swoops when her conscience finally seemed to catch up. Sneaking out was against the rules, not to mention reckless and dangerous. A Jedi didn't seek thrills, which is exactly what Lyna and Zaz were proposing. Master T'Bolton would not have approved.
'Master T'Bolton is dead,' replied a bitter voice in her mind. 'He's not your master anymore. He's gone.'
But he would always be Kelreen's master. She tried to force back that voice, reminding herself that Master T'Bolton wasn't really gone; he was now one with the Force. She hung the pants in the back of her closet where they belonged and closed the doors. She had evening meditation soon and she was hoping to get in more saber training beforehand. Perhaps if her body was tired, her mind would relax easier. Kelreen took up her robe and left for the training salle.
Twenty-two training droids later, she was exhausted and breathing heavily. She climbed up to the veranda where the Sea Turtle Clan had their evening meditation and took a spot in the corner as other began arriving. She closed her eyes and focused on just her heart rate, slowing it to a resting pace and cooling her body down. When she was physically under control, she at last started to expand her senses and release herself into the Force.
The black, gaping maw in her mind was waiting for her. The more she gave herself over, the wider it stretched blocking the light of the Force from her. Kelreen frantically tried to push it away, to focus on the light side of the Force, but the more she struggled the stronger the darkness became.
'Calm yourself.' She heard the voice of Master Solniva, the master who was leading the Master-less apprentices through evening meditation. Her presence soothed, backed by Force suggestion. Kelreen clung to the master's words and slowly the darkness began to recede and the light of the Force returned. With Master Solniva as an anchor, Kelreen was at last able to give herself over and quiet her mind.
'Stay, please,' Kelreen pleaded as Master Solniva began to pull away.
'You must maintain this on your own. I or one of the other masters will not always be able to help you. You must learn to center yourself.'
'Please. I can't. It's too much.'
Master Solniva stayed with her throughout the meditation. When Kelreen opened her eyes again, she looked up at the green-skinned Twi'lek master who had taken a seat next to her. Master Solniva was disappointed. Kelreen could see it in her eyes and the way she seemed to hang her shoulders. This was not the first time Master Solniva had helped Kelreen through her evening meditation. Where the other padawans were improving, Kelreen remained the same, or was worse. Kelreen knew that most, if not all, of her peers could maintain their own meditation through the full time. At seventeen, Kelreen should be able to do the same. Initiates needed help, not Jedi apprentices. As the other apprentices left, Master Solniva never moved and Kelreen knew that she was expected to stay as well. When the last of them were gone, she was finally addressed.
"Have you been continuing your sessions with the mind healers?"
"Yes, Master," Kelreen replied.
"And it has not helped?"
"Some."
"I encourage you to keep practicing the techniques they give you." Master Solniva laid a gentle hand on Kelreen's shoulder. "It is not an easy thing, losing one's master. But we must remember that they are one with the Force once more. Grief is natural, but by clinging to our grief we are inviting in the dark side. Release your emotions into the Force. There is no emotion, there is peace."
"Yes, Master."
Kelreen bowed and thanked Master Solniva for her wisdom and assistance before leaving. Each session it was the same. Kelreen would fail to maintain her meditation and the master would quote the Jedi Code to her. Then she would say "yes, master" and thank them for their wisdom before repeating the same process again the next time. It was exhausting, and though she attended sessions with the Jedi Temple's mind healers, nothing seemed to help. She remained broken. Perhaps this was the Force's way of telling her that she wasn't meant to be a Jedi Knight. After all, a Jedi had to have control over their emotions. Kelreen couldn't even quiet her mind for a few hours of meditation. How many times would a master quote the Code to her before they decided that Kelreen didn't belong anymore, that she was broken beyond repair, a hopeless cause?
"I don't think this is a good idea," Kelreen told Lyna and Zaz as they practically dragged her through the Uscru Entertainment District. All around her millions of lights flashed and signs everywhere advertised various clubs in thousands of different languages. Beings of every kind passed them on the street and none seemed to blink an eye at the unusual trio. After all, a Kiffar, Balosar, and Twi'lek walk into a bar sounds like the start of a bad joke.
"Relax," Zaz replied, slinging an arm over Kelreen's exposed shoulders. Lyna had forced her into a very small, very tight black dress. Her lightsaber was left back at the Temple; there was no place for it as the dress left nothing to the imagination. Kelreen had never felt so exposed in her life. They steered her towards a nearby establishment, a club called "Rouba's". Inside, Kelreen was surprised to see some familiar faces among the sea of patrons. Zaz and Lyna made for a corner table where Kelreen recognized a Mirialan girl from the padawan clan named Mirril, and Gunlar, a Mon Cal. Both were in the saber class with Kelreen, Lyna, and Zaz. As they arrived, three more, older padawans returned from the bar, loaded down with drinks of every color, most of which seemed to glow in the dark room.
Zaz had to yell into Kelreen's ear to be heard over the music. "This is Argenon and Staffos," he gestured to the light and dark-skinned human boys respectively. "And that's Marren," he pointed to the female Zabrak who had taken a seat by Gunlar. "Guys, you know Kelreen?"
"I do now," Staffos replied, handing Kelreen a glass of something orange. He passed similar drinks around to everyone at the table before raising his own.
"Here's to the end of a war we should have never been part of in the first place. The hard part is over, now it's time for some fun!"
The other padawans cheered before throwing their drinks back in one swallow. Kelreen was a moment behind and she nearly gagged. The drink was like ice and fire at the same time. It burned so badly, Kelreen couldn't tell if her throat was being singed or frozen. The others slammed their glasses on the table, cheering and already reaching for another drink, but it was all Kelreen could do to keep the liquid down.
"Drink this," Staffos said, pushing another drink into Kelreen's hand. This one was more of a muted green, but Kelreen didn't want to take any chances. She shook her head and tried to hold back her coughing.
"It will help," Zaz told her. Kelreen took a sip and was relieved when some of the burning was reduced. She took a longer drink and was finally able to relax. The first orange liquid seemed to have settled in her stomach and was making her feel surprisingly calm, like she had just finished a successful meditation session.
"Better?" Staffos asked.
"Much," Kelreen replied, taking another sip. The heavy beat of the music echoed through her chest and Kelreen found that as she sipped more and more of the green drink, her hips started to sway in her chair. Lyna noticed and with a wink and a smirk in Zaz's direction, pulled Kelreen out onto the floor.
Kelreen had never been to a club before, therefore she'd never danced at one, but it seemed to be a simple concept. Lyna took her hand and they swayed and rocked to the steady pulsing of the music, bumping against every being around them. If Kelreen hadn't been drinking the green drink, she probably wouldn't have liked it. But relaxed as she was, she let her senses expand. The Force flowed through the club patrons languidly and throbbed with the collective heartbeat of the room. It made Kelreen positively giddy and she found herself grinning and laughing with Lyna and Zaz joined them on the dance floor, his lekku swinging back and forth.
She didn't notice the others wander off one by one until she found herself surrounded by many varied faces, none of which she recognized. But as the music in the club thrummed in her chest and Kelreen swayed, for the first time in months she could stop feeling the hole in her mind. She was simply there and she wasn't inclined to go back to the fear and loss that had consumed her in the past months.
Her connection to the Force was muted and sluggish, probably from the drinks. It subdued the pain, but it also muffled the warning in the Force until the man was at her back with his thick hands around her shoulders and his putrid breath against her cheek.
"What's a pretty thing like you doing here? I don't think I've seen you around before."
Kelreen froze and her hand twitched to where her lightsaber would have been, had she not left it behind, unable to conceal it in her dress. The being at her back misinterpreted the gesture as he tightened his grip on her shoulders and inhaled deeply.
"You smell like you're looking for some fun."
Kelreen fought to keep her voice calm but forceful, but her tongue felt heavy and her mind slow.
"I think you are mistaken. Let go of me."
"No, I'm not mistaken," the being purred in her ear. "I've been watching you all alone out here. Relax; a pretty thing like you deserves company."
"And she has it," a confident voice replied. Kelreen looked up and was shocked to see perhaps the last person she ever expected to meet in a Coruscant night club. Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Negotiator and a member of the Jedi High Council looked strangely ordinary out of the standard Jedi robes and beyond the walls of the Jedi Temple. He wasn't particularly tall as he stared down the being behind Kelreen, yet he still held the reserved Jedi bearing and Kelreen was certain he hadn't left his lightsaber behind.
"Why don't you go home and enjoy a quiet night?" Obi-Wan suggested, gathering the Force in his words.
"I think I'll go home and enjoy a quiet night," the being repeated before releasing Kelreen and disappearing into the crowd.
"Come." Kelreen didn't dare refuse as she followed Obi-Wan out of the club and around the corner into a more private side street.
"That was a very reckless thing to do," Obi-Wan said. His voice and manner were calm, but Kelreen hung her head. All the bravado in doing something forbidden with the other padawans was lost and instead she felt like a youngling again who had just been caught sneaking around after bedtime.
"I'm deeply sorry, Master Kenobi," Kelreen slurred. Her words startled him a moment, but his hesitation was unnoticed as Kelreen swayed. Out in the air and away from the activity of the club she suddenly didn't feel so good. Obi-Wan caught her before she hit the duracrete.
"How much have you had to drink?" he asked.
Kelreen didn't get the chance to reply. She emptied the contents of her stomach onto the street before passing out.
When Kelreen regained consciousness she was back in the Jedi Temple, in the now very familiar Halls of Healing. Her head ached and she expected to see the tanned face of Master Stass Allie, the Chief Healer in the Jedi Temple, or perhaps even Master Quin. But instead she found Master Kenobi once more looking down at her. She was confused as she sat up further, which only served to aggravate her head and send a wave of nausea through her stomach. Strange, she wasn't normally nauseous after a session with the mind healers.
"What happened?" she asked.
"You drank too much," Obi-Wan replied, less than amused, "which is hardly surprising considering how little you've been eating."
"How would you know," Kelreen muttered before her sluggish mind seemed to catch up to whom she was speaking. "Apologies, Master Kenobi," she added quickly, mortified that she'd spoken back to a member of the Jedi High Council.
Master Kenobi didn't seem offended though. He only looked at her with pity and…understanding?
"Despite the popular belief, the Council does pay close attention to the apprentices in clans."
She laughed. The part of Kelreen that was the dutiful Jedi padawan thought she was going mad, but for some reason she couldn't stop laughing. The idea that the Jedi High Council was monitoring her eating habits was, for some reason, downright ridiculous and hilarious. It had to be a lingering effect of the drinks she'd consumed the night before. Her good sense yelled at her to stop laughing, that this was a respected Jedi Master. But the drinks didn't care. They blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"The Council doesn't care about the Sea Turtles," she replied, still chuckling. "They let us fend for ourselves, and if we make it to Knight, then all the more for them."
It was awful and Kelreen truly did not know where the words were coming from. Perhaps they were coming from the black hole in her mind, the one that always tore at her and beckoned her in. They came from her mouth and she had no control over them. Fear and panic started to build inside, rising in her throat. At last the cynical words stopped, dammed by her horror. The gaping maw opened and Kelreen clutched at her sides, digging her nails into her stomach to try to create pain, any sort of focal point.
She didn't expect warm hands to take her own and gently tug them away. She found herself gripping those hands like a lifeline, trying to draw breath around the mass in her throat.
"Breathe," a calm and gentle voice coaxed. "Feel the Force around you. Feel its peace. Breathe. Release your fear."
She drew a rattling breath.
"Breathe."
Another breath, this time easier.
"Breathe."
It was a mantra that she focused on, inhaling when ordered and slowly releasing. Slowly the black hole receded and her mind was peaceful. She could feel the Force as a low thrumming through the Halls of Healing. It was soothing, repairing, like the contented purr of an animal. When all was calm once more, she opened her eyes. Master Kenobi still sat beside her and he held her hands in his own. His eyes were closed and he breathed deeply with the same rhythm she had just used. When he opened his eyes, he seemed resolved.
"Kelreen, I would like to help you and I would like to complete your training." He looked her straight in the eye, blue meeting green.
"Would you accept me as your Master?"