Quick Author's Note: Well, this is likely the only A/N you'll see in a while, but I just wanted to say that if anyone felt like the last chapter was a bit rushed, then you're right. It was a prologue, dipshit. What'd you expect?! L2story nub. GOML
Chapter 2: Titles are for fgts
As Oscar's feet touched the green and fresh grass of Firelink Shrine, he immediately knew he was fucked. In fact, a normal person would've had pretty much already pissed himself. Pretty much. Because he had just seen all this in about half a minute: A huge fort that was bigger than most cities. A big fucking drake. A city that looked like it belonged to the Gods themselves. Still scary. And finally, a dozen Hollows and Demons in various areas.
Yeah, he didn't feel to confident in that little task he had been given. That little thing that required him to slay probably fifty dozen Hollows, half as many Demons (he guessed that one Demon counted as thirty Hollows), probably avoid about a hundred traps, and then slay some more Hollows. All so he could ring a fucking bell in some damp cave. Why? There must be a grand reward, right? No, not as far as he knew.
However, Oscar was a proud knight of Astora, so this did not bother him. However, he realised that he was going to need some help, so he needed to find able fighters. And maybe set up a group of them.
"Those two lovers back at the Asylum…" he remembered. "They looked rather strong. Maybe I should wait for them?"
"They won't be here in a while," a voice suddenly called to him from behind. "That crow will need to take them here if that's going to be the case, and that ol' thing definitely takes its time." Just as he said that, the crow took off and left. He tried, without much success, to hide his frustration. "Dumb flapper," he muttered.
Oscar turned around, and for the first time he noticed a man sitting by an old and crumbled wall. He wore a complete set of chainmail, apart from the helmet. That thing looked fucking stupid anyway. At his side was a sword and a heater shield. He looked rather tired and worn down.
"Hello friend," Oscar greeted him. "May I know your name?"
"No," answered the man. "I am simply… Crestfallen."
"Well then, Crestfallen, may I ask what you're doing here?"
"No."
"Where you're from?"
"No."
"What was your name again?"
"No. Wait, what?" The crestfallen one facepalmed hard. He obviously hurt himself, but kept his hand there to hide the tears. "Are you stupid?" he said through the thick lump in his throat. "Isn't it obvious that I don't want to talk to a pompous ass like yourself? You can't even show me your face in all that armor! And that… fancy sword. Do you really think that I want to talk to you?"
Oscar sighed. "First of all, I may not show my face, but you don't even have the dignity to show me your tears. It's okay my friend, hurting yourself only means you have a strong arm." The crestfallen one briefly sniffed and desperately tried to wipe his tears. Oscar continued: "Second, this sword is fairly average for an Astorian. And third, you talked to me first. So why in the world would you not want to talk to me then?"
The chainmail warrior snorted. "Just because I talk doesn't mean I want you talking back," he barked.
Oscar shrugged patiently. "Suit yourself. But can I please know your name?"
The crestfallen looked like he was about to spit out another superiority complex, but instead he sighed, and gave his name. "Henning. My name is Henning. What about you?"
Oscar bowed deeply, showing respect to his newfound comrade. "My name is Oscar of Astora, Elite Knight of the 3rd Garrison, Wielder of the Blessed Blade, Prayer of the Ancient Songs, Defender of Justice and Assaulter of Dark. Pleasure to meet you."
The crestfallen listened quietly, before pointing a shaky finger at him. "And y-you wonder w-why I don't want to talk to you. Y-you pompous piece of tinfoil sh-…"
But Oscar had already left, heading further into the church, where he finally broke his calm persona.
"JESUS FUCK WHAT AN ASS," he said, waving his hands wildly around the place.
…
Diesel was sitting down at the tip of their little mountaintop, looking for the huge eagle that he dearly wanted to pick them up. Because it was fucking cold up there, and Cedric was feeling it too. They were certain that if it wasn't for the cloth inside their armor, they wouldn't be two boys from another world, but two FUCKING FREEZING boys from another world.
"My ass hurts," Cedric complained.
"That's not the first time you've said that," Diesel replied.
"If it annoys you-…"
"-it pleases you, yeah yeah," Diesel finished the sentence for him, sighing heavily as he did.
At this point they would be laughing childishly, but the cold was keeping the humor down as well. "You know," Diesel said. "I'm starting to think that going through Lordran will kind of be like eating vegetables."
Cedric furrowed his brows, and looked at his friend questioningly. Diesel stared at him for a while."You don't fit the 'living questionmark' swag, bro. You fit the slash more. You know, you never were too straight, were you?"
"Ha-ha, gay jokes. Can you seriously be more offensive? What if I was gay and attracted to you? You know how easily I beat you down when we wrestle, so you better not offend me."
"So you're gay?"
"What?! No! I said if!"
"As far as I heard, you said: I am so weak compared to you, so you better not make gay jokes and offend me."
"What, I-… Oh, screw you. I'm losing IQ just looking at you. What were you saying anyway?"
Diesel looked dumbfounded. "What? Oh, yeah. The vegetables thing?"
Cedric nodded slowly. "Yes, numbhead."
Diesel pointed into the air, in a super annoying 'I got it!'-way. "Yes. You know how we are literally the most immature people here, right? So maybe going through a dark and demented Lordran will help us get more mature! Kind of like vegetables makes you grow up big and strong, you know?"
Cedric looked at him for a while. And another while. Diesel was just about to ask what the fuck was crawling on his own face when Cedric burst into laughter, rolled on the floor and clutched his stomach. "That is the funniest comparison I've ever heard, my life-long friend!"
Diesel couldn't help but smile himself. "It's good to have a friend whose intelligence is also in single digits!"
This caused Diesel to start laughing and Cedric to laugh even harder. Between all the crying and laughing, Cedric spat out: "W-we may be able to open a door with our IQs, but hell no if we'd be able to close it!"
Diesel had to pull down his Thief Mask to let out all the laughter at this point. Cedric straight-up tore off his Knight Helm, as he feared he would laugh it apart. He didn't mean for it to roll right off the cliff, though.
"Fucking useless helm, pulling a fucking One Ring on me," he muttered.
Just then, a great hero stepped forth to advance the story. Diesel was still recovering from their hysterics, so Cedric decided to meet him. The dude was wearing the most BADASS armor ever seen by a living thing, with pretty much the most badass weapon in history laying slung on his back. The armor looked like it was made from black metal, and Cedric immediately recognised it as the Black Knight armor. Except that the helmet was missing, and in its place was a mask. Didn't look like any mask he had seen though. Looked pretty much like his mum when he hadn't cleaned his room in a while, meaning it looked like it was going to rip off his head, shit down his neck, then screw his head back on again. Then he'd wake up and go to the toilet, then walk out weighing twenty pounds less than he did walking in.
In common speech, it looked kinda angry. And it was silver, just so you know that. Cedric didn't really say anything, fearing that the man would put that dangerously sharp katana on his back to use. He thought it was the Chaos Blade, which scared him even more. Memories of Black Phantoms, usernames involving about a dozen X's, Mother Masks, Hollow Soldier Skirts and Dark Wood Grain Rings flew before his eyes briefly, before he shut them down in the deepest corners of his mind.
The warrior also had a Grass Crest Shield, the Ring of FaP, and *GASP* the Dark Wood Grain ring… PRE-PATCH. Meaning that this guy was most likely flipping with 14 i-frames in all that armor.
Cedric felt kind of small suddenly, despite that he was half a head taller than him. Eventually though, he managed to find the bravery, or stupidity, to utter the silliest sounding question ever: "So, heh, do you, uhm, have any spare armor, matey?"
He mentally facepalmed. How CanadaAussieBritZealand could you make yourself sound? How careless could you be?! HOW SUICIDAL COULD YOU WISH TO BE?! The warrior was surely now going to chop his head off, take his humanity, then leave Diesel because he had cool armor.
But he was wrong. To his imminent confusion, the warrior was just going to stand there. That is, until he started pooping out items. He shat out a badass looking set of armor, which Cedric immediately leapt for before notifying Diesel, so that he was sure he was going to get it. He then picked up a black Balder Shield and a badass machete. If he remembered correctly, this was the Man-Serpent Greatsword. He also picked up a pyro glove, in case he wanted to burn Diesel's eyebrows at some point.
Diesel immediately leapt for a lighter set. Diesel had always been one for flexibility, so he went light so that he could vary his weapons. He replaced his Thief Mask with a much more badass Dark Mask, put on some dingy-looking bracelets, and Dark Leggings, but he kept his Black Leather chestpiece. Cedric never admitted it, but he looked fucking badass. Diesel then picked up a Falchion which he sheathed on his right hip, clearly for off-handed parries so that he could show off, and replaced his Bandit's Knife as a primary weapon for a Longsword. He always loved that flexible thing in-game. Cedric remembered how angry Diesel got when he saw how boring they made it in DkS2.
When Diesel had put his longsword on his left hip and Bandit Knife on his back, he turned to take a look at the guy who had gifted them the stuff. However, nobody were to be seen.
"What the f-," Cedric stuttered. "I wanted to thank the guy for giving us all this stuff."
"Holy shit, you look badass," Diesel said as he noted his friend's armor. Indeed, Cedric had secured himself the most menacing set. He had a badass sword on his back, a ballin' Balder Shield strapped over it, a chestplate with thorns poking out of it, clearly straight from Kirk's set, as well as Havel's Gauntlets and Leggings. With those two, he didn't need weapons to do damage with his limbs. The armor was made so that he could just hug someone and they'd be dead.
Diesel guessed that that's what they called a bear hug. Or a porcupine-hug.
And then came the sound that they had both been waiting for. A beating sound of giant black wings. They didn't even reach holding hands this time before the crow picked them up from the ground… And almost dropped them again. Can't blame it! No one had told it that these guys had NG+ armor!
…
Oscar had just met the strangest guy ever. Petrus of fucking Thorolund. First he had shown some random-ass shyness, like he had some superiority over Oscar. But then he had given him a useless-ass bronze coin, as a token of "friendship." Oscar was all for friends, but holy fuck, he would never fight alongside that weirdo of a cleric.
However, he was just about to see something even weirder. Because the Chosen Undead had arrived, and he hadn't arrived by Crow. No, he had just rose from the bonfire like some badass Lord of Fire or something, wearing a black suit of armor with a silver mask. Oscar immediately went to greet him, but soon found himself lying on the floor. Lierally, as the Chosen Undead had tackled him, now pressing a knife at his throat.
The Chosen muttered something about Oscar being supposed to be dead, and Oscar asked if it was a bad thing that he was alive. The Chosen didn't move immediately, but after a while he shrugged, and let Oscar up. However, before Oscar could start any kind of conversation, the black knight was gone.
"Why do they always leave me," Oscar muttered bitterly. However, his silent prayers were soon granted, as the black raven was once again coming to Firelink Shrine. However, now he was carrying two instead of one. And it looked rather tired from the extra weight, as well.
These two weren't so lucky with the landing as Oscar had been, and they both pretty much nosedived into the grass, one of them landing right onto a slab of rock and breaking it with his heavy armor. Oscar went to the help him up, and see if any of them were hurt. However, before he could do so, he suddenly recognised who they were.
"Hey! You two are the lovers from the Asylum!"
The one closest to him, the one with lighter armor, looked straight at him. At least Oscar assumed so, since it was hard to tell from behind that skull-shaped mask. The one in heavier armor was now staring as well.
"… Lovers?" they both said in unison.
…
After some brief clearing up, with both of the newly arrived breaking into fits of laughter at least twice in each sentence, they finally managed to explain to Oscar that they were not lovers. Oscar was still skeptical about their explanation: "We were just trying to make the moment more dramatic, man!" But he decided to keep it to himself. He seemed to have pissed of everyone he stumbled upon recently, and these two seemed quite jolly, so he wished not to anger them with any more poking questions.
He had taken good notes of both men, and figured that they each played roles on the battlefield. The one in heavier armor looked like a mercenary with his broad jaw and light stubble, as well as his short blonde hair, while the other one looked more like a spy from Eastern lands, minus their typically slanted eyes. Now that the latter had removed his mask, he saw that he was quite handsome, with little to no stubble, and strong features. Not as rough as his friend, but more balanced. Oscar noted that the man was most likely quite the womanizer.
The bigger man immediately approached Oscar, and offered to shake hands. "My name is Cedric, and you are Oscar of Astora, no?"
Oscar was perplexed by the fact that he knew his name, but he still shook the friendly man's hand. He almost felt his gauntlet dent inwards from the firm shake. He then approached the more lightly-armored fellow, and shook hands with him as well.
The spy spoke first: "I'm Diesel, and we come from a distant land… I think. I don't really remember no more."
Oscar offered his sympathies. "Yes, a common side-effect of the Undead Curse I fear."
Diesel looked at him curiously. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
Oscar eyed him a bit, before deciding that this Diesel was testing his self-esteem. He answered confidently: "No. I expect warriors like yourselves to not be crying at some forgotten details, like any aforementioned home. You're Undead, just like many others."
Not wanting to hurt the man, he quickly followed up: "However, if you do find comfort in this fact, then feel free to take it. Comfort is precious and rare in these times, I fear."
Diesel, apparently happy with the answer, nodded in a pleased way. He then turned to his friend, pointing an accusing finger at him. "That fatass almost caused the crow to fucking drop us! What were you thinking putting on that fucking porcupine-armor?!"
The 'fatass' looked dumbfounded, immediately wiping it off his own face, before retorting: "At least I thought about keeping my weapons were I could see them! How many times did you almost drop that sword of yours, that got nerfed hard in the next game anyway?!"
Oscar did not understand the last part of that sentence, but he still got a feeling that the burly man was insulting his friend's weapons. Oscar was shocked to see this behaviour. Insulting another man's weapons?! Abhorrent!
And rightfully, the smaller man put a hand on his chest, stumbling backwards while a look of pure shock donned his face. "TOO FAR, MAN! TOO FAR!" He was about to continue when he was interrupted by the sound of someone laughing. Almost like it was their first time. And yes, soon both Diesel and Cedric had absolutely dumbfounded looks on their faces, as they both stared at a gasping Oscar on the ground. Oscar tore off his helmet to be able to breath between the bursts of laughter. As all knights did, Oscar straight up stated his mind:
"I like you two! Did you see your own face, Diesel?!"
Diesel stared at Oscar with wide eyes. He looked back and forth between Cedric, Oscar and the Crestfallen Warrior, who had been watching it all in silence. After five whole minutes had passed, he finally managed to open his mouth, and form a somewhat coherent sentence:
"Didn't I, maybe guess. Almost."