Chapter 29
Confusion – Part 2
Self-confusion – I have no idea if that's a really thing or not but it sounds so technical – it's when you as a person is confused with one's self over your actions and emotions because you yourself do not understand why on earth you would do such things.
Confusion can lead people to do crazy things. It's how we handle what has been done that helps us out of it. People can help you come to understanding but you must also learn to help yourself.
{~}
Last time on; Was it Fate or Destiny:
"Can you tell him that," Lucy started taking a deep breath "I can't talk to him for a while, tell him that I need space for a bit to think because I'm confused."
"Why are you doing this?" Loke asked
"I just don't think that I can trust him," Lucy confessed "I've done some research and-"
She didn't finish her sentence because the line went dead. Loke had hanged up and was pissed at her. She couldn't just start saying she didn't want to talk to Sting just because she had done some research. What type of person researches their friends? Who in their right mind would do that? He was also pissed with the fact that Sting had trusted her with something that he didn't trust to with just anyone and she goes ahead to say that she doesn't trust him.
"Who was it?" Sting asked
"Laxus," Loke lied "He forgot you made a trip here."
Sting's doesn't really need Lucy. He can find a girl here and be happy. Lucy doesn't deserve his heart one bit. Loke thought as he joined his 'family' on the grass.
{~}
{With Lucy}
She looked at her phone after he ended the call for only a few minutes before turning back to face the computer still shocked at the information that was presented. There it had written: Ivan Dreyar killed his wife in 2006. Serving 25 years in prison. Son Sting Dreyar served a week in mini juvenile detention in 2008 for attempt to kill father during visitation hours with a meat knife.
She didn't want to believe it herself but every newspaper at that time read; Dreyar the D is for Demonic. She didn't mean to find it, she stumbled on it by accident. All she was looking for was Sting's mum to see why she died she didn't expect them to include Sting himself. At that moment, she was scared, he was only 10 then and he attempted to kill his father, even if he wasn't his real dad that's no real reason to take his life.
Lucy shut her computer not bearing to look at the screen any longer than she had to. It was the right thing to do. It was also right to not want to talk to Sting ever again in case he gets angry and aims a knife at her, at least that's what she thought in her mind. Her phone rang but she ignored it, thinking it was Sting calling to ask for an explanation that she wouldn't have the guts to give. She walked out to her balcony it being 5 now the sun was already up and she enjoyed the warm it gave her because she hadn't realized she was cold.
"It'll be too soon if I see him." Lucy said out loud sighing and yet her heart ached just a little
Yes, she might be frightened of him now. Yes, she doesn't want to see or talk to him for a while or maybe forever. All that might be true but Lucy knew that her heart was Stings' but she was going to get it back, she was going to get it to stop beating for him. There were other guys without a criminal record, other guys who were caring, compassionate, sweet, kind, funny, good looking, intelligent and hot. She just had to start looking at them instead of at Sting.
"I say that and yet I feel like a bad person," Lucy said to herself "As if I'm cheating on him in some way."
Looking down at the garden she once played with none stop she remembered how she wouldn't go out on the balcony or even bring herself to look at the gardens when her mum passed because those where the places she spent the most time with her. Looking at them now and remembering her mum heart hurt felt heavy, like she was missing something. Now that she was older she can smile at the memories and she was used to the heavy feeling of her heart because she missed her mother and no matter how long time passed she was always going to miss her. However looking at the grounds now she realized that her heart was heavy and it wasn't just her mother's memories that were filling it at the moment, Sting's were there too and she knew it.
"Can't he just go away? Why does he have to stay when I want him to leave?" Lucy asked herself running a hand through her hair feeling frustrated with her un ending thoughts of Sting "It's as if his taking over."
"Are you feeling ok?" Yukino asked leaning on the door frame that lead to the balcony, concerned when she heard Lucy talking to herself but it was a whisper so she barely heard a word
Lucy turned to face her putting on what she hoped was an assuring smile, not wanting to worry her. Lucy knew that this small weekend wasn't as small to Rufus and Yukino. She knew that her brother was planning to propose to Yukino today and she couldn't understand why he waited for so long. They were happy, they rarely fought and they spoke to each other every day.
"Can you believe Rufus wants me to go on a picnic?" Yukino exclaimed
"Picnics are romantic." Lucy told her going back to another memory
"I know but let's just say I haven't had good luck with picnics." Yukino confessed going back to her own little memory
"Which park is he taking you too?" Lucy asked
"You want to know why I'm not finding it romantic." Yukino said
Lucy nodded wondering why she hadn't answered her previous question. Yukino sighed and walked next to Lucy leaning against the railings. Lucy looked away from her and back to the grounds waiting for her to answer.
"The grounds you have a pretty massive," Yukino said "So Rufus thought it would be nice and private if we went to one of the garden sections."
"He didn't tell you which one did he." Lucy guessed
"Nope," Yukino confirmed turning away with her back to the grounds leaning on the railing "He wants it to be a surprised and he knows how much I don't like surprises."
Lucy gave a sympathetic smile as Yukino left to enter with Lucy right behind her.
"I'm guessing you don't know considering he knew I would trick you into telling me." Yukino revealed her motives for entering Lucy's room
"He's always one step ahead of you." Lucy reminded her
"That's what I love about him." Yukino blushed leaving the room with a wave
Lucy watched her leave happy that Rufus was finally going to do what she has wanted him to do since she meet Yukino. She loved Yukino just as much as she loved her brother but then why did she feel angry towards her as she walked out of the room with a blush on her face and a smile that couldn't break.
"I want your happiness. I want your love story," Lucy found herself saying without knowing it. She covered her mouth shocked and scared that her mind and body weren't connected, she didn't have a clue where the words came from "Maybe it's my heart speaking." She knew that was scientifically impossible but she didn't know what to believe.
Doing what any girl would do when they felt as if their mind was being filled with troubles and insecurities she picked up her phone and dialled her best friend knowing that she could possibly have the answers or that she could at least tell her that she's not going crazy. As the phone rang Lucy moved to sit on her bed, the side that was closest to the balcony so she could feel the breeze that helped to calm her down.
"Lu-chan!" Levy's voiced said on the other line
"Levy, did I catch you at a bad time?" Lucy asked hearing the background noise
"Sort of, you see I have a double date with Juvia," Levy told her "Rogue and Gray are waiting for us and I can't talk now. I hope you had fun at the dinner and I'm sorry but I have to go now."
Lucy just hanged up the phone knowing there was no point. However she had other friends and maybe they weren't all busy with their boyfriends.
She dialled Erza.
"I'm sorry but Erza can't come to the phone right now." Jellal's voice answered before he ended the call
So she dialled Mira.
"I'm yeah, so Mira is kind of sleeping. She didn't get much sleep last night sorry. I'll get her to call you back."
"Thanks Laxus." Lucy said ending the call
Then she dialled Lisanna.
"Lucy! Can't talk, I'm sort of busy." Lisanna spoke slow and her breath wasn't even. Lucy tried to ignore the panting and the sounds of lips connecting with skin but it was obvious
Taking a moment to burn the images that were forming in her brain she dialled Cana.
"Hey, Lucy." Cana said
"Don't tell me you have places to be as well." Lucy spoke a little too coldly than she intended too
"I'm not sure yet but I'm glad you called," Cana said ignoring her tone "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, I guess." Lucy said lying on her bed now facing the ceiling
"Let's say you meet a guy and you know that his bad for you but you can't help yourself but want to be around him because no matter how many times you tell yourself his bad for you, you just know that his good for you. Should you go with him? Cause even though he might be bad for you he is still one of the best things that has happened to you making him good for you."
"I don't know."
There was a pause while Lucy thought about what Cana was asking her about even though it didn't seem like a question more like a situation. It didn't help that she felt as if Cana was talking to her about her own situation which she wanted to forget because Sting wasn't bad for her, he was just bad for himself.
"I think I'm going to the place I wasn't going to go to." Cana spoke bringing Lucy back from her thoughts
Lucy didn't bother to reply as the call ended. None of her girlfriends seemed to be free enough to talk to her since they were all off and busy with their love lives to listen. Sighing is frustration. Lucy continued to look up at the ceiling thinking while she looked over her contact list again.
"If I'm going to erase him from my memory, I might as well erase him from my phone." Lucy thought out loud again
Just as she was about to press delete her phone rang. It was Sting and even though she knew she had to ignore it she found herself answering the call.
"Sting?" Lucy asked
"Nah, its Meredy."
"Oh." Lucy said not meaning to sound so disappointed
"For a bitch who wants nothing to do with Sting you sound like you miss him a heck of a lot." Meredy commented not bothering to hide the hate in her voice
"Why are you calling?" Lucy asked
"Sting doesn't know yet, I don't want to tell him and either does Loke so we need you to tell him." Meredy told her
"Fine, put him on the phone." Lucy said
"No, you have to tell him face to face. He deserves at least that." Meredy said
"Why do I have too? Why are you making it seem as if I'm breaking up with him?"
"You just don't understa-"
Meredy didn't finish her sentence and Lucy was left hanging but the line didn't go died however she couldn't hear what was going on.
"Hey Luce." Sting's voice came through after a while
"Sting." Lucy said almost a whisper
"I heard you did some research." Sting said as if it was a natural thing to do
"I guess Loke told you." Lucy spoke feeling embarrassed
"I guess he did," Sting said calmly and Lucy didn't like that he was so calm about the whole situation "anyway, I got your message and I just want to say that I'm sorry you feel that way but I'll respect your wish and stay away from you. Trust me at least on this, it'll be as if we've never meet or seen each other tomorrow."
With that he ended the call and Lucy looked at the phone in shock. She didn't know what she was expecting but maybe she knew that deep down she wanted him to fight, she wanted him to explain and she knew what she wanted the most was for him to feel as she felt. She wanted him to feel as if he was losing a part of himself because she felt that way. He had only known her a week and a few days but it felt like a lifetime.
"Fuck you Sting." Lucy screamed as she threw her phone at the wall in rage
It wasn't fair that he was so calm while she didn't get her emotions that were all over the place but then again this was what she wanted and she got what she wanted.
"I wanted this and yet, I'm not happy about any of it." Lucy said bringing her hand to her face, finally noticing the tears that were falling
Lucy whipped them away and realised then that she was not in control of her emotions, her heart, her mind or even her body. She felt like a puppet on strings being controlled without even knowing it. Then again who doesn't feel like that sometimes with they've made a mistake that they know they're going to regret.