Chapter 10 – The man of a thousand faces

A/N: Your comments make me so happy I could KISS you! But if you stop I won't be responsible for my actions.
Also, this chapter will be quite Derek-centered and kinda angsty, so be ready.

His words are quiet like stains are

On a table cloth washed in a river

Stains that are trying to cover, for each other

Or at least blend in with the pattern

Good is better than perfect

Scrub til your fingers are bleeding

And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying

(The man of a thousand faces - Regina Spektor)

"That's it, Shepherd. Today is the day!" Meredith Grey had been silently watching her sulking boyfriend these last three days. She figured enough was enough. Leaving people in suspense like this was pure torture and unfair, not only to Meredith but to Addie as well. Meredith might have not particularly liked her ex-best friend right then, but she still felt that the truth needed to come out as to not make any further damage. Time was up and if Derek didn't break it with his wife today she would physically maim him.

Derek groaned pathetically. He knew exactly what Meredith referred to, as she had hinted at him several times about just the same thing. This straight honesty obviously meant she would not take no for an answer.

"Fine. I'll tell her," he murmured.

They were seated in the hospital cafeteria, lunching on a sandwich each as they contemplated the complex nature of their existences. Christina had left a moment ago in search for Chief Owen Hunt, who she had just come out as official with.

Meredith whooped. "That's the spirit!" She chewed a bit on her food and looked expectantly at him.

His eyebrows furrowed. "W- what… Now?" he stammered and Meredith smiled happily.

"Yes! She's in the ICU with George. They have some case together and he just texted me to tell me she was there."

Unlike Mark, Addie had taken advantage of the fact that she was currently in Seattle by making contacts. When meeting Chief Hunt, he had been quick in taking advantage of the famous neonatal surgeon's presence by giving her a few cases of her own.

Derek seemed a bit wary. "You- you told O'Malley?" he asked with a skeptical tone.

"About what? The fact that your wife slept with my husband? Or that you don't have the balls to tell her to fuck off?" Meredith's voice was light, but there was a certain hardness behind it. Derek apparently did not have the right to screw this up.

He took a deep breath and stood up. Meredith beamed at him.

"Yes! That's right! Go carpe that diem!" she exclaimed and winked.

He nodded distractedly and smiled slightly. "Yeah, yeah… wait." Something clicked in his brain. "Go carp-…? You did not just say that." A shit-eating grin sneaked up on his lips.

"I did," Meredith countered with a smirk.

Derek shook his head in wonder and laughed as he started to move away. "Encouragements in Latin is just plain dorky, Mer."

Meredith giggled. "Are you kidding me? I'm planning to make it a thing. You know, spice up the English language a bit with some "Lynx lynx" and "Ego Sum Lord Voldemort"…" she trailed off as she realized what she was saying in a cafeteria full of residents she was trying to gain respect from. Derek laughed at her expression.

"Meredith…You should be a bit embarrassed," he said and pecked her on the cheek.

"I am," she said flatly and straightened her back.

"Good." Derek walked away from her and waved.

"I love you! Have a nice day!" She said to his back.

"You too!" he waved distractedly, seemingly in another world entirely. Meredith's heart soared as she saw him disappear in the crowd. He was finally doing it! They were both free!

A part of her winced inwardly though. This was the first time she had told him she loved him when he wasn't asleep. He had told her of his love several times but she never seemed to be able to gather up the courage and say it back. Today she did though. Meredith tried not to think about the fact that he hadn't even acknowledged the fact. He probably hadn't heard her.

Derek did not come far. As fast as he left the cafeteria, the Addison-related musings were interrupted by his beeping pager. The rest of the afternoon was spent in the OR, trying to find a small bleed in a young woman's brain. He was going in blind, so the search was long and tiring. The woman coded two times on the table before he finally found it. Then, just as he was about to stop the bleeding, she coded again. This time he was unable to save her, which hit him hard.

Afterwards he went out in search for the young woman's husband. This was always the hardest part. Derek stood in the waiting room, watching a blond man with a worried expression pace back and forth in wait for the love of his life to come out of surgery. He was whispering something to himself, and as Derek came closer and heard it he closed his eyes to keep himself calm.

"…From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part… To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer…" Then the young man caught sight of him and stopped. When he saw Derek's facial expression his own crumbled. His eyes became haunted and he sat down abruptly in a nearby chair.

"Mr. Davis," Derek began. The man nodded, but his eyes were completely empty. He knew exactly what was coming.

"I was able to locate the bleed in your wife's brain, but…" He drifted off and swallowed before continuing. "I am very sorry, Mr. Davis. Carol coded three times during the operation and in the end we were unable to save her." Mr. Davis was shaking his head slightly and staring into nothing. Derek's heart sank even lower. He sat down next to the man and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Believe me when I say that we did everything we could…" He was cut off when Mr. Davis started to talk.

"We married a month ago. Had just returned home from our honeymoon in Italy." He closed his eyes.

"Sh-she…" Tears began to run down his cheeks. "She was s-so beautiful." He put his head on Derek's shoulder and began to cry for real. Derek tried to be professional and keep his head calm, but it was hard. Especially since he had his own marital problems to worry about. Suddenly, Mr. Davis surprised him by saying his name.

"Dr Shepherd," he started. "Are you married?" Derek's hesitation was almost unnoticeable before he answered.

"I am."

Mr. Davis nodded thoughtfully and looked him in the eye with the most pained expression he had ever seen. Derek held his breath as he waited.

"You should value your vows," he said. Derek's heart sank. "You should treat her like she is the most important thing to you. Otherwise, one day she might not be there anymore. And then you'll regret ever neglecting her."

Derek stood on the bridge in the hospital looking out of the giant window. The sun was setting and he had yet to speak to his wife as he promised Meredith earlier. These last hours had been spent wallowing in self-loathing. Mr. Davis' speech had shaken him to the core.

Derek knew he had never been a particularly good husband. When he thought about it now he realized he had been straight out despicable to Addison. Never at home and putting his career first, he had neglected her and their marriage. Even though that was no excuse for what she had done, he was partly responsible for her cry for attention. Her words that night he was caught with Meredith still rang in his brain.

"I never meant to hurt you, Derek. It's just… you were never home anymore." She had seemed so small and pitiable. "I was so lonely, and Mark was there. He and Mer were slipping and we just sort of created this bond, you know." Addie sniffed. "It didn't mean anything to me. Just scratching an itch or something. But I still love you, and I think that if you look deep into yourself you'll find that you love me too. If only just a little bit."

Derek closed his eyes in anguish. He hated himself. He hated his wife. He hated his best friend. And most of all he hated what he was about to do to Meredith. She would never forgive him. This friendship they had created and that had meant so much to him, was bound to crumble. He loved her, he really did. But he was a married man.

He finally understood what his mother had tried to teach him as a child:

"Sometimes what is right to do is what will pain you the most. Still, you have got to do it. In the end you'll look back at that part of your life and be proud of yourself because you didn't take the easy way out. It will make you happier, and that is what's important."

Meredith came almost bouncing into the close to empty OR gallery where she knew Derek would be. She had been looking for him all day and had only just now heard from a nurse that he was sitting in here, seemingly not very cheerful. She walked straight over to him and gave him a hug.

"Hello there, stranger," she whispered sympathetically. "How did it go?" Meredith put her head on his shoulder and stroked his arm soothingly. He made absolutely no response, hoping that she would get the message from his demeanor. Unfortunately, Meredith took it as a sign that he was feeling bad for Addison.

"She'll get over it, you know. Maybe Mark will take her back." She snorted softly. "They certainly deserve each other."

No reaction.

Meredith decided to change the subject. "So, I don't know if you heard it before, but I told you- well more like yelled, that I love you when you walked away." She laughed a bit, ignorant of the wince on Derek's face. "I probably shouldn't have done that. Said it in a full cafeteria like that, I mean. Not that I regret saying it, because I obviously don't. I mean- I can say it again anytime," she rambled. Derek tried to get a word in but she just kept going. "Hey, Derek, I love you!" she giggled. "Lord, it feels so good to say it, you know. I love you, Derek Shepherd." Her smile was radiant.

Derek needed to silence her. Now.

"Meredith…"

"Yeah, I know. I'm rambling. The point is, I heard some nurses talking about it outside. Hearing me saying that I love you, I mean. But you know what…?" Derek shook his head and tried to stop her. She didn't notice.

"I don't care one iota, you know. I don't care if they know. Let them talk down the hospital! Carthago delenda est!" she finished and giggled. When she finally turned and actually looked at Derek she saw something she had never seen before in her life. Derek looked utterly defeated. His face spoke of absolute pain, but the worst part was his eyes. They completely reeked of pity. Meredith swallowed as realization dawned like a bucket of ice water pouring over her head.

The silence could be cut with a knife.

"Derek?" she asked weakly, making him close his eyes and look away from her accusing stare. She swallowed hard and put a hand on her forehead. Her breaths turned shallow for a few seconds before she forced herself to get it together.

She laughed awkwardly. The sound was so false that she almost cringed.

"So, okay…" she stalled.

"Well. So... You are taking her back, I gather," she said patiently and nodded her head slowly, fixating her stare somewhere above his shoulder. Derek opened his eyes and looked at her with pleading eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mer." Derek swallowed. "She's my wife…" His voice was hoarse and cracked on the last words. Meredith felt tears come rushing, but she stopped them.

Don't let him see you cry. You can do this.

Finally, she did the only thing she could think of. She closed herself off. Her eyes turned detached and her face unreadable. Derek could hardly recognize her like this. The lump in his stomach was big as a football. He had problems breathing just thinking about what he had done. A full minute passed. The only thing that could be heard was quiet orders coming from the OR below.

"Any chance you can forget, like, everything I just said?" Meredith tried, feeling the cold creeping into her heart.

Please, no. Please, no. Please… No no no no...

Derek only stared brokenly and watched in despair as Meredith started to walk away from him; trying to keep what dignity she had left. When she came to the doorway, though, she was suddenly cut off by a familiar voice down in the OR.

"Now, I would appreciate it if Dr Grey turned off the speakers on her way out. Maybe then we could get some peace and quiet down here."

With bile in her throat, Meredith turned around towards the OR and saw Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, George O'Malley and at least six gossip-eager nurses in the middle of what looked like delivering triplets.

Meredith choked down a sob, slammed her hand on the speaker button and rushed out of the gallery as fast as she could.

A/N 2: Please, please, please don't hate me. I know I seem like an unoriginal cotton stick. It's just… I've had this turn of events planned forever and you just have to wait for the stuff that is to come. I'll try to make it worthwhile!

It is also now scientifically proven that my chapters will upload quicker if I get a lot of responses. Therefore, review like your lives depended on it!
With love 3 /Hanna