Chapter 12 – Colorblind

A/N: Hi, guys! I have a huge exam this week, so don't expect an update really soon. But keep up the reviewing! I love reading your thoughts on how you think i should develop this story.
Have a nice day! – Hanna

I am covered in skin

No one gets to come in

Pull me out from inside

I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding

I am... colorblind

Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready, I am ready

I am ready, I am...fine

(Colorblind – Counting Crows)

Meredith was getting tired of this hiding business. All day she had been ducking behind counters and disappearing into supply closets, successfully managing what she in her head called "Operation Avoidance". Meeting Derek or Addie in a corridor (or anywhere really) simply could not happen. The consequences could be devastating and she wouldn't know what to do. She had heard through the grapevine that Derek's and Addie's behavior towards each other was frosty, to say the least. Still, meeting anyone of them was out of the question if she wanted to prevent causing a scene that would almost definitely end with her curling up in a corner afterwards. Therefore, Meredith spent most of the morning in her office, sending residents and interns to do her dirty work. There were some perks to being the head of a department, after all.

Feeling hunger creeping in at lunch hour Meredith thought with a heavy heart that she couldn't starve to death inside these four walls. She supposed. With dragging feet she made her way towards the cafeteria, trying to ignore the stares and whispers following her as she went. After buying her food she was determined to hide away again but sighed heavily when she saw Christina and Alex sitting at a table, waving her over. Uncertainly she made her way over to them, trying to act normal. She didn't fool anyone.

"So, you and Evil Spawn came to work together this morning," Christina stated, breaking the tension.

Meredith threw a look at Alex, who seemed amused and a bit smug. She rolled her eyes at him and took a drink from her water bottle before answering.

"Yep. And before you ask, we didn't have sex." Christina looked at her with raised eyebrows. She looked far too happy.

"So, how far would you say you went? Second base?" she asked curiously. Meredith choked on her drink. Alex laughed loudly, turning a few heads (that weren't already staring, that is) towards them.

"NO! Nothing! No base was reached. Base zero!" Meredith cried, coughing hard. Christina smirked and bonked her friend on the back a few times. She had reached her goal and gotten Meredith to think about something besides that jerk of a Neurosurgeon.

The banter continued in good humor, until George came running towards them. His face was alarmed.

"Mer! Dr Shepherd's in the line for food!" he panted heavily. All three heads turned towards said direction.

Unfortunately, George was right. There, dressed in dark blue scrubs that brought out his eyes and with his hair perfectly styled, stood Derek. His appearance was impeccable and as dreamy as ever. Still, he looked absolutely miserable. His eyes were travelling around the cafeteria as if searching for something or someone.

Meredith's reaction was instantaneous. She gasped loudly and forcefully grabbed Alex' food tray from out of his hands to put it in front of her like a shield. Then she shrank as much as she could, looking as if her highest wish in this world was to just disappear into the ground.

The others looked uncertainly at each other. Then suddenly something snapped inside Christina Yang. With a huff she tore the tray out of her friend's hands and slammed it down on the table.

"Meredith Grey! Stop that right now. He isn't worth it," she said sternly. Meredith looked even more terrified at the outburst and glanced around the room for an escape. The only thing she could see were faces turning and looking at her. And there... There he stood. And he was watching her.

This was exactly what she had dreaded all day. Christina had made a scene. She had drawn attention to her and she couldn't stay here right now. Meredith had to shut her up and somehow find a way to run away from this room before Derek got the idea to walk up to her. She met his sad stare for a second before looking down, forcefully trying to control herself. Still, her hands seemed to be shaking just a bit and her heart was racing like a bumblebee. The panic was interrupted by George's gentle hand on her shoulder. She closed herself off and took a deep breath.

Right. Pull yourself together.

She glanced up at Christina again, but she was just shaking her head. Alex grimaced a bit but started eating again when he saw that she had noticed him. What was she going to do?
Deciding flight was the only available option; she stood up and walked sneakily out of the door. A few seconds went by in which the three remaining surgeons only looked at each other. Then, without much thought, they followed after Meredith's retreating back, sending murderous glances in Derek Shepherd's direction as they went.

"You know you're gonna have to talk to him sometime, right?" Christina asked where she sat next to her friend down in the tunnels. Meredith sighed, but didn't answer. She had managed to escape Chris for a couple of hours, but now she had found her again. She carefully looked around for listening nurses, but was relieved when she didn't see any. The tunnels were abandoned as usual.

"I mean… you still live in the same house – which I suggest you throw him out of, by the way – and share a workplace…" Christina continued. Meredith turned irritated. Who the hell was this woman? Christina didn't care. She was a robot. Why was she pushing her into talking about something she really didn't want to talk about? Without thinking, she asked straight out.

"What the hell, Chris? Why do you even give a damn?" Meredith's voice was harsh, and she suddenly froze, realizing she might have stepped over the line. But Christina only sighed and sunk further down on the bunk. A few seconds passed where nothing was said. Meredith was starting to think the conversation was over when Christina finally spoke again.

"Owen said he loved me," she stated. Meredith didn't answer, only staring at her friend. Then she continued. "…and I think I love him too." Christina looked absolutely terrified at the fact, which made Meredith smile. There was a brief silence.

"I just think it sucks that your life sucks. That's all," Christina finished, looking away. Meredith squeezed her friend's shoulder. She laid her head on top of her raven colored curls and relaxed. They both sat there for a while, immersed in their own thoughts.

Then the silence was interrupted once again, this time by Meredith. "So. You think I should throw Derek out of the house?" she asked. Then she nodded slowly. "I can do that."

Christina smirked, and soon the silence was there again. This heart-to-heart thing she had had too often lately was making her soft, which sucked. She almost had some strange urge to hug her friend, but reigned it in. Embarrassed, Christina coughed slightly and straightened her pose.

"By the way," she said determinedly. "If you utter a word about this conversation to anyone… I'm going to cut you open." Meredith laughed and Christina smiled at the sound.

"Oh… that's only empty threats, little Asian woman. You'd miss me too much."

Christina didn't respond but gave her friend a wink.

The rest of the week went by incredibly slow. She slept at Christina's every night, not daring to go home, even for an extra change of clothes. Finally on friday, thinking enough was enough; Meredith searched out Chief Hunt and asked for the rest of the day off. Since he was aware of her story as well as everyone else, he let her off the hook easily.

The journey home was a sad one. As the cars flashed by outside the windows she contemplated the fact that she would now be living alone. Having Derek in her house these last few months had been the only constant in her life. Someone that cooked and cleaned. Someone who she could speak with long into the night or maybe make some love to before they finally fell asleep. To throw him out was not something she longed for. But it was necessary. Plus, she didn't want to speak to him at the moment, which made living together rather hard.

When Meredith arrived at the house she was surprised to find the man himself sitting at her front porch.

Shit.

Well, she could hardly escape now. She was bound to talk to him some time. Even if she'd hoped she could have waited a few days, Meredith figured today was as good a time as any. Sighing, she looked at herself in the rear view mirror and straightened her hair a bit before stepping out of the car.

She walked uncertainly towards him with her hands in her pockets. Staring at his open, casual shirt over a white T-shirt and worn-out jeans, Meredith once again thought Derek must be one of the handsomest men to have ever lived.

Derek jerked suddenly when he heard her. Then he shrank somehow, looking extremely beaten and sad. Meredith sat down on the porch beside him, looking at nothing and waiting for him to start talking. There was a brief silence.

"Hi, Meredith." His voice was quiet but didn't waver. "How are you?"

What the hell do you think, idiot?

"I'm fine," she said, hiding her feelings as best as she could. They were silent once again, waiting. Then suddenly Derek started talking.

"Really, Mer. I'm so, so sorry. Even if I know that isn't nearly enough. I swear, I didn't know the intercom was on. Addie was incredibly rude, I can't believe she would do that," he rambled so fast she had a hard time following his words. "And now we're in this weird limbo thing! I don't want that, Meredith. I want us to be friends again." His voice was desperate and she felt her heart melting a bit. She always did have a problem with guys saying they wanted her. But at the word "friend" she froze slightly, remembering what they were doing and where they were.

"Derek..." she started, but he interrupted her.

"I know I ask for much. I know that," he said, searching her face for a reaction. She remained completely impassive. "Meredith. I'm sorry. But she is my wife. I'm not as strong as you! I believe in marriage. I believe in the vows..." Meredith snorted at the word and Derek winced.

"Yeah..." he sighed and shook his head. "It's just... Somehow I don't blame her." Meredith gasped and frowned at him. He silenced her with a look.

"What she did was awful, and there is no excuse for her." He turned his stare away from her and looked away somewhere in the distance. "But I was an awful husband, Meredith. And I am partially responsible for what happened."

"Well, what was I then?" she asked, a bit angry now. "The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?"

Derek looked at her sadly. "Of course not, Mer. I hope you know how I feel about you. Your support and friendship through this time has been invaluable. You've been my fresh air while I was drowning. I'll be eternally grateful." Meredith shrank back from him. Then he said what she'd thought she wanted to hear for such a long time. "I love you, Meredith." His voice was broken and his face turned almost apologetic.

"But, Meredith. This is the last time I'll say it."

She was wrong. Hearing made it worse. The words cut deeply into Meredith. It hurt so bad to hear them that she suddenly felt the need to run away again. Silence encapsulated them again. She wanted to cry so bad. But instead, Meredith closed her eyes and prepared. She took a deep breath and uttered the words she had meant to say all day.

"Derek. I think you should leave."

The words were quiet but sounded like thunder in the silence. Derek's face crumbled slightly but was unsurprised. He pointed his thumb dejectedly at a suitcase she hadn't seen by the door, being too focused on the man.

Meredith nodded in understanding. She was thankful that she wouldn't have to throw him out, but at the same time sad about the fact that he didn't want to stay.

"Please, Mer," he pleaded once again.

"Derek. You really should go," she said with a determined voice. It only wavered the tiniest bit, which made her proud of herself. She stood up and walked towards the front door when she was suddenly turned around by Derek's hand on her shoulder.

"Mer," he said seriously. She faintly registered the cab coming closer towards them, no doubt to pick him up and drive him off somewhere. Maybe he would stay with Addie at the hotel. Meredith didn't know... She blinked when she realized he was speaking.

"Please say you'll be my friend again," he said. She closed her eyes for the briefest of seconds. Why did he have to ask her these things? She could hardly stand up at this point, let alone think straight. She knew saying yes would be the weaker choice. Derek Shepherd didn't deserve her.

But still, she really missed him. Derek understood her like no one else. Talking with Christina was great, but she would never ask her to open up like he did. Without someone to tare down her walls, she knew from experience that she would become a cold-hearted woman. If she was thinking soberly, she knew that she needed him.
Still, Meredith was scared. Being with him would undoubtedly be painful as shit and she needed some reassurance from him.

She shook off her musings when she realized he was still looking at her, waiting for a response. Meredith sighed.

"Okay," she said.

Derek's eyes lit up but Meredith silenced him with a look.

"We'll be friends again, Derek. But on one condition."

"Anything," he breathed, reminding her of Mark somehow. She swallowed hard and tried to speak evenly.

"We'll be friends, Derek. Not not-friends." To this he looked at her uncomprehendingly. She continued. "When I say something to you, you have to react as my friend, Derek."

He nodded slowly and started to smile. Then he reached out to touch her but she shrugged away. Meredith could see that her reaction stung, but kept her cool.

"You can't have us both," she whispered, feeling the tears finally reaching her eyes.

The silence after the statement was so tense they could practically hear the air crackling around them. Derek sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Then he looked down and blinked harshly. Meredith thought she saw some tears in his eyes, but when he looked up again they were dry.

"Of course," he responded neutrally. Then he grabbed his suitcase and left the house and Meredith behind him.