Chapter 17 – Love letter

A/N: Hi again! I know the last chapter was short so I tried to hurry up with this one and make it longer. Plus, I got told specifically by a reviewer that I should update today!
Don't worry. This is far from over. Please continue reviewing :)

I'd like a flat white
A day of pale skies and a real kiss
Inside an old house
By the seaside you can take off my blouse

But take it from me
I'm disorderly and you'd be off better
Writing someone else your love letter
'Cause I'm always on the road

(Love letter – Lisa Mitchell)

The first thing that met Carolyn's line of vision when she opened her eyes was the grin on the face of her darling son. She smiled warmly in response. Shortly after this, she realized they were not alone in the room and was shocked to see not one, but all four of her daughters standing around her bed with differing expressions on their faces.

Oh great.

"Hello there," Nancy said and gave her mother a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, mom," Kate whispered and took her mother into a big hug. Carolyn thought she had tears in her eyes but couldn't be sure.

"Hi, darlings," Carolyn smiled. "When did you come in?"

"Oh, we've been here a while. Entered the building and heard you had just been taken away." Amelia stated with a smirk. "We actually left New York just a couple of hours after you…"

"How could you not tell us you were having an advanced carotid endarterectomy?!" Lizzy said and sat down on the foot of the bed with ha worried expression on her face.

"Luckily Addison called to ask when we were coming or we would have stayed at home," Nancy said.

"What if you had died, mom? This is important," Kate whined.

"Well… I didn't, did I?" Carolyn said uncomfortably. "Everything went absolutely perfect. Right Derek?"

Derek was about to say something comforting just as there was a knock on the doorframe.

"I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"

Everyone froze in their movements. Meredith Grey trampled by the door uncertainly as she waited for someone to answer her. She had always gotten along well with all of Derek's sisters (excepting maybe Nancy) and hadn't seen any of them in a long time. Back home in New York they were common visitors in her and Mark's home. They had even celebrated a few new years eves and birthdays together with Addie, Derek, his sisters and their families.

Suddenly, before she could react, Meredith was attacked by a hugging Amelia.

"Mer-bear!" the brunette squealed with joy. Meredith laughed and patted her friend on the back.

"Hello there, Amy-llama" she said and grinned. Meredith and Amelia's story was a longer one. Back when she had just become friends with Addison she had also been introduced to the little spitfire. They had spent a lot of time together in the years they both studied in med school and then tried to hold contact ever since. Lately though, they hadn't spoken very often.

The group of women continued to catch up for a couple of minutes until Carolyn coughed, deciding that she wanted attention.

"Oh right." Meredith said, remembering why she had come. "Everything went well, Mrs. Shep- Carolyn," she said and smiled at the woman in the bed. "There were some minor complications, but nothing that you need to worry about. It just means that we need you to stay here in the hospital for a few days under observation." Carolyn nodded in understanding. The daughters and Derek asked a few questions about the surgery but Meredith soon noticed how the patient's eyes started to droop.

"I'm gonna give this lady some rest," Meredith said, turning the attention towards Carolyn on the bed. The she met Derek's eye. "Beep me if you need me."

As she turned around to leave she heard Derek calling her name.

"Meredith!"

She turned around slowly. Something in his voice put her on edge. When she looked at his face she saw such emotion reflected there. She couldn't place it. Pain? Regret? Or was it something else? Something…

"Thank you," Derek said seriously. Then he smiled that warm smile, her smile, which showed off his white teeth and the two adorable dimples. She felt tingly all over.

"You're welcome," she said quietly. The room was completely silent. Carolyn was smirking from the bed while all other women in the room regarded the exchange with either curiosity or suspicion.

Derek opened his mouth to say something else. Meredith tensed in preparation.

"Hello everyone!"

The tension broke.

"Addison," Nancy said, walking up to the redhead that had just stepped into the room and giving her a hug. The woman in question seemed to be completely unaware of what she had just walked in on. Meredith looked around the room awkwardly before deciding it was time for her to leave. For real this time.

Before she left she caught sight of Carolyn's facial expression. It was full of annoyance and disappointment. But it wasn't directed at Meredith, not at all. Mrs. Shepherd was staring straight at Addie, and Meredith realized the elder woman probably was more in the know than she had initially thought.

"How did the surgery on Mama Shepherd go?" Christina asked her friend where they walked together with George and Alex through the hospital corridor. They had just finished their work day and was on their way to change clothes before going home.

"She rocked," Alex said before Meredith had a chance to reply.

"It went all right," she corrected with a laugh.

Christina raised an eyebrow. "And meeting the Shepherds afterwards?" she continued. A clear hint in the tone of her vioce.

"Absolutely fine," Meredith answered, looking straight ahead. Christina sighed at her friend's unwillingness to share. Alex decided to break the ice.

"She wants to know if you boned McDreamy," he said without preamble. Meredith jumped.

"If I what?" she asked in a loud voice.

"Did I just call him McDreamy?" Alex murmured to himself with horror.

"Of course I didn't bone him! He's married!" Meredith continued in a loud whisper, even though there were no people in sight.

"So are you," Christina cut in.

"We're separated," Meredith snorted.

"Right. So you didn't have sex. How did it go then?" Christina sighed.

Meredith stopped walking. "Who said it went some way? We hardly spoke!" she muttered, feeling slightly annoyed.

"You're telling me you just did an advanced and extremely complicated carotid endarterectomy on the man's mother for five hours, and he didn't even speak to you afterwards?" Christina asked incredulously.

"He thanked me. What else should I expect?" Meredith said and continued trodding towards the exit. It was raining heavily outside and the wind was very strong. They all stopped by the window to look at the waving trees outside.

"It doesn't matter anyway," Meredith said with a sigh. "As far as I know, he could think me and Alex here hooked up and is super-disgusted with me…"

"Hey!" Alex cut in.

"He doesn't," George's quiet voice echoed in the semi-dark lobby. They all became aware of the fact that he hadn't said a word to either of them since they started talking.

"What?" Christina asked.

"He doesn't think that you and Alex had sex," George continued. The other three looked at each other with confusion.

"How do you know that?" Meredith enquired warily. George looked uncomfortable.

"Dr Shepherd… He told me," he finally said. Meredith turned even more confused.

"Oh for god's sake. Spit it out, O'Malley," Alex sighed and leaned his back against the cold glass behind him.

George proceeded to tell them about his conversation with Derek in the on call room. "He said he had heard the nurses speaking and that it became clear you two hadn't… had sex," he stammered slightly.

"Oo-kay?" Meredith said. "And why did he tell you this?" She was getting curious now.

"He… He…" George was nervous. Alex opened his mouth to force him to speak up, but suddenly the smaller man just blurted it out in one long line of words.

"He wanted to ask if I was going to ask you out and said that I shouldn't bother because you were his." George quickly shut his mouth. The look on the other three's faces were incredulous to say the least.

"He WHAT?!" Meredith cried, not being able to stop herself. George's mouth stayed shut and he turned his stare to his shoes.

The blood started boiling in Meredith and she was just about to start a full rant, complete with stomping of feet and pointing fingers, when she was abruptly interrupted by her beeping pager. A second later Christina's went off, as well as Alex and George's.

"Great," Christina sighed. Then all four of them rushed back through the hospital towards the ER.

"Start compressions!" Meredith yelled. She listened with her stethoscope at the patient's lungs before shining with her flashlight in his eyes.

"Someone call neuro! And this patient needs an OR right now."

"I'm on it, Dr Grey," an intern shouted and rushed off.

Meredith had been working nonstop these two hours. The storm outside had resulted in a big train crash and the victims were pouring in like liquid. Meredith was tired, hungry and irritable. She seemed to snap at everyone and anything that didn't work the way she wanted it to. Still, she was very calm for the circumstances. Her traumatic past had made sure she would always be collected in a crisis and right now she was happy for that.

"I'm here," came Derek's voice from the door. Meredith tensed. She quickly explained the problems with her patient and he nodded.

"There are a lot of head trauma tonight. Maybe you should call in Amelia," she recommended and Derek agreed.

Before Meredith rushed out of the trauma room he yelled at her over his shoulder. "We need to talk, by the way! Call me when this settles down a bit!"

Meredith nodded quickly and ran off towards another patient.

The time was 5.30 am. Meredith struggled to remember the last time in her life when she had been this exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Probably in her intern years. As she threw on her shoes tiredly she remembered that she had promised to speak to Derek before she left. Closing her eyes for a second she tried to gather up the sense she needed to think rationally but it seemed the whole world was fuzzy. Meredith groaned.

So. He wanted to speak to her. About what, she didn't know. Maybe it had something to do with his mother. In reality, anything he had to say right now could probably wait a day or two. Still, it would be better to have it done sooner rather than later. She thought about George and the fact that Derek thought he had any claims on her. It made her angrier than she had been in a very long time. Well. She would speak to him now, one last time. Maybe then she could forget about him and everything they ever did.

And… At least she could go home afterwards. That was a luxury the interns sleeping on the hospital bunks all around the hospital couldn't afford. This thought gave her the motivation to punch in the numbers in her phone. She was decided.

"Hi. Thanks for meeting me," Derek breathed where they stood in an empty conference room. When Meredith looked around she realized it was the same one that she and Mark had had that awful confrontation in that one time. Oh, it seemed like ages ago. The thought made her even testier and she waited for him to proceed rather than answering him.

He coughed awkwardly.

"Well… I have wanted to talk with you for a couple of hours now," he said slowly. "I ran to see you as soon as I could, but then the storm hit and… and you know."

No response.

"I wanted to tell you that I have broken up with Addison," he said finally. Meredith's ears perked up. She furrowed her brows in confusion.

"What?" she asked. This was not at all what she had expected him to say.

"I- I said that it was not going to work. That I had tried but… but I couldn't do it anymore," Derek said seriously. "Especially not when I knew so well that… That I'm still in love with you."

Meredith's eyes widened considerably. Silence crept in and fell over them like a rug. You could have heard a pin drop. Hell, you could probably have heard if an ant was walking around on the other side of the room. Their breathing seemed unnaturally loud in the large space. Meredith stood still for a full minute before she reacted. And when she did, it was without any filters.

"Are you joking with me right now, Derek?" she started quietly. Still the emotion in her voice seemed as loud as if a tractor had just ran through the wall.

Derek shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted.

"Are you ACTUALLY saying what I think you're saying?" she said, louder this time. Derek squirmed a little, feeling like he had just done something very, very wrong.

"You love me," Meredith said and laughed mockingly. Then she turned serious again.

"Yet as soon as your cheating wife ran back to you, you threw me away like garbage!" Meredith's hands were shaking. The tiredness in her body was making itself known and she could feel tears lurking behind her eyelids.

"I have tried, Derek. I tried to move on from you, but with every chance you got you pushed and gnawed your way back again just because you couldn't handle losing me."

Derek stared at her with big eyes. He looked scared, like he wanted to take a step back but held himself still.

"Meredith, I know. I'm so…" But she cut him off.

"I heard about what you said to George, Derek," she deadpanned. This he did not expect, she could see that.

"You-..."

"You claimed that I was yours. That I was some kind of- of possession!" she cried hoarsely. "I don't know what you tell yourself in that pretty little head but I am not yours. Not anymore!" Meredith sensed the moment it all hit him, but wasn't done speaking. "You know what? I don't even want to be yours, Derek." She cried. "All you have ever done is hurt me, and I'm sick of it!" She watched as the truth of her words fell over Derek as a wheelbarrow filled with bricks.

"Meredith, listen. I'm so incredibly s-" he tried weakly but was cut off again.

"Derek, don't say that you are sorry. As clichéd as it sounds, sorry doesn't cover it," Meredith said with a cracking voice. "You made your choice."

She couldn't control the tears now.

Derek looked absolutely devastated and Meredith had to turn her eyes away from him. She realized the harshness of her words but figured it was too late to take them back. They would both have to live with the consequences of this meeting.

"I chose wrong, Meredith," Derek's broken voice echoed in the room. Meredith closed her eyes and felt how the salty drops were slowly pouring down her cheeks. She was silent for a few seconds and swallowed hard. Then she took her hands, dried her face as best as she could and looked up.

"It's too late," she said finally before walking out of the room.