A huge thank-you to my brilliant beta, HaydenXCharm. Any remaining errors are my own!
Holding Out For a Hero
With Roxanne gone, there was nothing left to do but return to the Evil Lair and help Minion recover what they could from the explosion. Minion didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. One look said it all. He knew exactly why Megamind hadn't extinguished the explosive, and it had to do with Roxanne Ritchi and the gun that Minion had kept safely hidden in the cupboard.
"I mean, I don't want to think I'm your dirty little secret, sir." Minion was teasing him, but it was only half good-natured.
"You're not my dirty little secret, Minion! I am!" Megamind looked down at his gloved hands and sighed. "Perhaps I should have kidnapped her like you suggested, but I'm not sure I'm in the mood to carry out my threats."
Minion nodded sympathetically. "It's a difficult time you're going through, Sir. Most villains don't live long enough to succeed. You're a shining example of genius and brilliance."
Megamind looked wistfully at the twisted gears and servos of the blasted brain bots, tossing a few parts into the unsalvageable pile. "Am I, though? It's pretty short-sighted for a master villain to be caught unawares like that. Why didn't I have any plans for afterwards? It's like I was only in the fight for the sake of the fight itself. Which is all well and good, until there's nothing left. Even petty theft has lost its glow. With all this money, it's pointless to steal anything!"
Minion tutted. "You'll figure it out, I'm sure you will. We can put this whole 'new hero' business to bed, you can enact your evil revenge on the citizens, and everything will be great!"
Megamind smiled fondly, sadly. Minion did have a heart of gold. "Perhaps. I know it's foolhardy, but even now that Miss Ritchi's seen everything, I can't let it go. The idea. I can't bring him back, but I could do the next best thing. I could give the city hope..."
"In order to crush it! Yes, Sir, I understand."
"I'm not sure you do at all, Minion. But thank you. Let's profile some likely candidates. The DNA will take care of most things. We need the noblest, most heroic people we can think of. Somebody who, given near unstoppable power, won't use it for their own gains."
Minion nodded, glumly. "Your list is pretty short, sir."
The list was, in fact, three names scrawled with a sharpie on the back of a receipt from Wal-Mart. 'Warden, R. Ritchi, The Mayor.'
"None of them are really suitable candidates. I just haven't paid much attention to those minuscule minds out there in Metrocity. Their tiny thoughts, their tiny lives. We'll need to do some research. Honor rolls. Good Samaritan awards. "
Minion sighed. Megamind was glad of Minion, sometimes. He didn't have the heart to voice his own fears. In a city of such vast proportions, such inequality and such cruel bullying and pettiness, such poor taste in music… Was it possible for just one good person to live?
"It's possible," he affirmed. "I just have to dig deep. Learn their values. Study their childhoods. Make sure they don't hold any grudges."
Minion swept the pile of junk parts into a plastic bin and stood up. "Well, you can't do worse than Wayne Scott."
"Good point, Minion! Let's rule out any smug bullies and any rich jerks."
"At the same time, Sir, you should be cautious of giving an underdog the key to Metro Man's powers. It would give them a chance to enact revenge on everyone who's made their life miserable."
"True, true. There's hardly even room for one supervillain in this horrible city."
Megamind frowned, as he surveyed the remains. Most of the repairs could be carried out by the bots themselves, but tinkering helped him to think. He waved the swarm away when one unit made an inquisitive sound, and pushed his chair over to the shelves of small parts drawers. This was going to be an all-nighter.
They moved away from the ideas cloud and went out for a drive. It was relaxing, taking in the quiet streets of Metro City, the grey clouds that loomed in from the lake, and as they travelled up an incline, they could see the roofs of the factories and houses stretch out behind them. The further in they got, the taller the buildings grew, until Megamind couldn't see where the skyscrapers ended, even cruising on the elevated highways.
"Boy scouts," Minion suggested, as they passed a sign indicating a scout hall.
"Wayne Scott wore a woggle," Megamind replied. "It's a possibility. They're a bit young, though."
"Right, because Metro Man only became super-powered as an adult," Minion said with great sighing and sarcasm. "And giving a normal adult human being that kind of strength, well, that's not asking for trouble."
"So we'll pick a pacifist!" Wait, no. That kind of defeated the point of fighting them. "Forget that. Let's pick a champion of something. Take us past the university, Minion!"
Minion changed gears, and headed for the nearest off-ramp. "Right you are, Sir! Are you wanting the faculty of information, or arts, perhaps? Sciences?"
"The sports clubs," Megamind said, with great and meaningful intent. Also with eyebrows, because everything was better with dramatic eyebrows.
"Oh, fine, but we're not using the showers. Those places are rife with bacteria."
The sports clubs and gyms were dull. There was no better word for it. Some people in this world got their exercise in by running for their lives, or practicing chin-ups on the bars in the prison's recreational yard. What Megamind had done to himself for survival, these petty citizens did in order to stave off boredom and to increase the miniscule supply of blood to their pitifully undersized brains. They used treadmills and they used heart rate monitors, as if their muscles could somehow tell how much money had been spent on the equipment.
"I thought there would be more... derring-do. Acts of mastery. Discipline." Megamind watched a second-year physicist called Terry hit a tennis ball back and forth against a brick wall. In a glass-walled room behind them, a line of bored-looking kids with headphones on ran on treadmills.
"It's exam week, there's not really any group activities scheduled," Minion said. He did not say 'I could have told you that this was pointless,' and so Megamind did not pout. Instead, Megamind clasped his hands together with dramatic flair.
"No, these specimens lack the dedication and passion to be a true hero. We shall need to look further afield!"
The community college gym was even worse. Then, they checked the soup kitchens for a sense of nobility, finding only middle-class guilt, religious superiority, and a surprising glimmer of humble grace.
"Humility's no use to us," Megamind sighed, as he slumped back down into the Hudson's passenger seat yet again. "We can't narrow it down to a hobby, or a calling. A hero is made deep down in his soul, somewhere."
Minion rolled his eyes. "Metro Man was one of the shallowest, simplest people I've ever met, Sir. No offense."
"None taken," Megamind said. "But he had a naivety, a certain something about him. As selfish he was, he honestly did believe he was doing what was right. He wanted to be seen as a hero, to stand up against the abstract concept of evil, rather than the explicit evil acts that exist in this city."
"What he was," Minion said, as he signaled and merged, heading back to the lair, "was an idiot. Too slow to see the depth of things. Most people see right through to the shades of grey, but to Metro Man, everything was always white and black."
Megamind thought about it. He stroked his goatee. "Perhaps. Or perhaps you're forgetting all of the times that we engaged in witty repartee. No, Metro Man was no fool, or I'm a monkey's... anyway. I want a list of Metrocity's top awarded citizens of the year, weighted for age, physical ability, and any connections with Metro Man."
The list took hours to make. Minion was up all night with it. In the morning, Megamind scanned through it, working from the top down, crossing out everyone who just didn't feel right. He tried to trust his instincts, where reason and genius had failed him. At the end of it all, he had nothing but red pen marks and a heavy heart.
"It's hopeless. Hopeless! Not one of these fools has the nobility or the flair for one proper battle, let alone becoming my rival."
"Well, these things do take time, sir. We need to refine the profiling algorithms and run through the city databases again."
"Maybe you're right," Megamind sighed. Bernard's phone began ringing in his pocket. A text. He pulled it out, while Minion said something that was probably reassuring.
'Meet library … RR' No time period. That meant now, then, right?
Megamind replied immediately. 'Can't wait. LOL. :)'
"Can't wait for what, Sir?" Minion held a finger poised above the keyboard. Had Megamind possibly been typing out loud? He'd have to pay more attention, next time.
"Oh, I'm off to the library."
"Great idea, sir! Let me know if you find anything."
Researching one citizen was kind of like researching all the citizens, right? Right.
It was a bit weird, going out as a normal person. It was like using the invisible car, but people could get right up close and personal. You weren't supposed to mutter to yourself as you walked, like a crazy person. You weren't supposed to laugh when a child fell over and cried, even if their parents were trying to keep their own faces straight. It was annoying to have to pay for the subway, but fascinating to think how underpowered and inefficient the system was. Maybe it could be tweaked? No, too much work, and a distraction from The Plan. The most unnerving thing was that no one was staring at him, which was something he'd had to endure without end. No screams, no sirens. It was almost like he belonged there.
He emerged across the road from the public library near Roxanne's house. It was quiet, because most people weren't leaving their homes that close to the City Hall and their new and fabulous Evil Overlord. It was an old building, which made it a mixture of impressive architecture and small, poky molded alcoves. It was dwarfed by the nearby apartment blocks. It was homey in a way that the high school and the prison library hadn't been. He'd written off libraries as next to useless since Google Books, but perhaps he should change his mind. Perhaps the convenience and anonymity of a VPN couldn't trump some of the values of hard copy.
Or perhaps Roxanne's company was what made it so nice. He wouldn't have imagined that anything like this could've ever happened, not even in his wildest dreams, but here he was, walking in plain daylight into a library with Roxanne at his side, and typing his own name into the catalog.
"I'm surprised that you didn't know there was a subject heading for Megamind," Roxanne said with a laugh. "I suppose that it's not a very useful way to sort books, when your entire collection would have focused on him, one way or another."
"Yes," Megamind improvised. "We ah, sorted by topics, and chronological... topics. Er… You know, the types of explosives used... size of the bots."
Roxanne nodded like that made sense, somehow, like he'd actually seen some of the exhibits. But Roxanne was happy to do the search, and take suggestions from him.
"I'll see how my journalistic search skills hold up to yours," she said with a smile. "Maybe you can give me some tips."
He'd been doubtful of that, but then she'd gone straight for the biographies and completely missed the engineering section. "You should look under 'architecture' and 'Metro City'," he said. "There's at least one coffee-table book about reconstructing after his attacks. In some cases it's the only public knowledge of his machines."
And Megamind's own; damn his impulse control and Metro Man's destructive capabilities! Some of his most amazing contraptions, lost forever before he'd had a chance to take a picture of them for the album!
"Ooh, great idea! You really think about all the angles, don't you?" Roxanne grinned, and then blushed.
Wait, were they... flirting? The butterflies in his stomach said 'yes'. Roxanne liked smart guys. She liked smart, geeky, weird losers called Bernard, even when they had the undisguised voice of an evil supervillain. He could... work with that.
"Well, I learned the importance of angles, from our very own supervillain. There I – he – was," Megamind watched her carefully, heart jolting when he messed up, but she didn't seem to have noticed or cared about the slip. "There he was, grandstanding and sure of his victory, but he'd forgotten where the camera was."
Roxanne frowned. "I don't remember this one."
"Oh, you were there, I think. You couldn't see this, from where you were sitting. That time with the decoy race car?"
Roxanne frowned. "Nope?"
"Oh, right, you wouldn't have seen the decoy. Of course. The time that Metro Man showed up with a really lumpy piece of squashed-up metal and rubber."
"Ohhh, that time," Roxanne nodded. "That was a race car?" She snorted, and bit back a guilty smile. "Oh, Megamind must have been livid."
"Livid, yes. Perhaps. I'd say that mortified was more like it. The foiled decoy wasn't the start or the end of it."
Roxanne leaned in closer. "What was?"
Megamind swallowed tightly, and sat back a little despite himself. Had her eyes always been that big and blue, or was it just the unusually long amount of time she'd spent with her face right near his? He reminded himself to smile. Charm, he was a charming archivist.
"Camera angles. Minion had forgotten to set up a key tripod, and hit the wrong button on a switchboard. So while Megamind thought he was addressing the public of Metro City face-on, as Metro Man chased after his decoy recording in a remote-controlled race car, the stream was going live, out the decoy's speakers."
She laughed a little, smirked. "And? I take it this wasn't the end of it. What was up with the tripod?" It was interesting, how telling a story that he'd wanted to forget forever, was coming so easily. It wasn't stinging so much as it once had. It was good to laugh.
It was good to have someone to talk to, other than Minion. It was different, very different, to the usual grandstanding and striking-of-terror-into-their-hearts way he usually described his schemes. Even admitting he hadn't been perfect, having a laugh about it. His shoulders felt lighter.
"The camera was on the ground. His cloak was, shall we say, awkwardly flipped over his shoulder. Giving everyone a menacing view of... the wedgie he'd got in his pants." Eyebrows. Funny eyebrows were the best way to deliver that line, and they worked.
"Oh no!" Roxanne put a hand over her mouth, but her eyes were shining. She laughed and laughed, so hard that she was bending a little, pressing a hand to her ribs. Her shoulders shook, and her cheeks glowed. "That can't possibly have happened. There'd be tapes of it, someone would have told me! Tell me you have archive footage!"
Megamind laughed, too. It felt different, when it was so light and genuine instead of his theatrical laugh when he was committing diabolical evil. No anticipation of Metro Man's arrival, another failed plan. No need to seem confident. Just him, Roxanne, and a rush of exhilaration.
"Ohoh, that was such a funny story. Heh, and brilliantly told, by the way. Okay, now you tell one." Wow, score one for sarcastic insecurity, but that hadn't ruined the moment. He was smiling, and she was still smiling too, feelings seeming to be unharmed.
Roxanne's face was so open, so light. He'd only ever seen her smugly smirking at him when his plans failed or when her face was slack from unconsciousness. He'd keep on with his stupid stories, and then he'd make them up when he ran out of real ones. He'd do anything to keep that easy and happy look in her eyes.
"Bernard, I never knew you were so funny."
"And, I never heard you laugh before."
"Yeah, it's been a while." She looked quiet, and he thought about Metro Man and of all the times he'd kidnapped Roxanne and hadn't told her something funny. It had been a long time, he supposed, since he'd relaxed enough around her to be nice to her.
"Feels pretty good." She tucked her hair back, smiled at him, and raised her book.
He kept peeking at her over the top of his own. This was a fresh start. There was nothing holding them apart, none of the baggage that came from, well, being evil in general, and kind of cruel towards her. She was engrossed in her research, but she didn't seem so frantic. She was happy. He'd made her happy.
The next time, Roxanne said she wanted to get out, to take her mind off of Megamind. Bernard tried not to laugh on the phone, as he agreed to meet her for a bike ride. He even went mainstream, because that was what being in disguise meant. He'd acquired – ahem, stolen - a normal bicycle from a perfectly normal bike shop. He'd gotten a perfectly normal helmet, with only a few optimizations.
"I can't ride, just so you know," he said casually, propping an elbow on the handlebars. They swung, and he slipped, and Roxanne sniggered as he righted himself. Laughter. Yes? Yes. Good. He crossed his arms, he pouted and sulked, playing it up just to see how long he could draw the moment out.
She buckled his helmet on, adjusted the strap so that it wasn't cutting into his chin. Giving him a push, she helped him get his wheels moving. Megamind felt a jolt in his stomach as he tipped too far to one side, catching himself with his foot. This was a lot different from his evil motorbike.
"As long as you keep going fast enough, you'll be stable."
He rolled his eyes. "I might never have ridden a two-wheeler like this before, but I do understand basic physics, thank you very much."
She stuck her tongue out at him, but it was playful and not out of anger. Being here out in the summer air was so different, so nice. The sunshine felt great, and this version of Roxanne that wanted to spend time with this version of himself made him almost forget how this had all started. About trying to cover his tracks after that exploding incident at his secret hideout, and how this was possibly the most evil thing he'd done in his life.
Determined not to fall and make a fool of himself, he felt a rush of giddiness as they went down a hill, nearly but not quite falling off his bike. He had very nearly gotten the hang of not running into things. The trick was to swerve a little. Bicycles were a little less responsive than the airbike. Whoops!
"You don't get out much, do you?"
"Oh, what fun!"
Roxanne pulled over, so Megamind caught up to her. He was gaining confidence in his skills, but his smile faded when he saw the nostalgic but sad look in her eyes.
"I used to come here with my mother when I was a kid. It was one of my favourite things to do. Now look at it… It's a dump."
Just like that, he was seized with the irresistible urge to make her smile again.
In the darkness of the night, Megamind and Minion crawled through the streets, dehydrating garbage and an odd mangy cat for kicks.
"What I don't understand, Minion, is why the humans have defied my directives. Business as usual, I said! Aren't garbage collection services usual?"
Minion shrugged. "Maybe they all resigned and left town in protest. Or, since there's no money left, business as usual is for people to quit working when they don't get paid."
This was a bone of contention between them. Minion had wanted to rule the city with an iron fist. Megamind had just wanted to play with it. Also, as he had helpfully pointed out, Minion's fists were stainless steel and not iron. In the end, neither of them had ended up that happy.
"No, it's more than that. It's unusual, like they literally can't do things for themselves."
Minion zapped a pile that Megamind had missed. "Well, sir, maybe Metro Man wasn't the best hero for them. Like I've said, when you were younger. It's important for a body to know how to do things. Their own laundry. The dishes."
"Yes, yes, and we all remember how many marvellous lasers I invented to threaten you with, until you gave up on that. But what I'm saying is, really? Metro Man leaves, and they stop cleaning up after themselves? They'll get sick."
"Since when do you care about people getting sick?"
"Well, it's... this place is filthy!"
Minion raised a fishy brow. "And we care, why?"
"Well," Megamind searched for an answer. Anything other than that 'Roxanne would like it'. "We want a good fight out of the new hero, whoever we pick, but we don't want a savior. We want someone to fight for justice, not to protect people from themselves."
Minion shrugged. "Fair point, but I still don't see why we're doing this when the bots could have."
Megamind shrugged. "It's been a while since we've had an excuse to take the fighting bots out, Minion."
Minion laughed, shrugged, and said, "Well after this, let's go find the municipal staffers and scare them in their sleep!"
Megamind felt his heart light up. "Yes! We can threaten their lives, until they stand up for themselves and pick up their rubbish for their own good!"
Wait, that wasn't really any better than Metro Man, was it? Well, it would do. At least the place would be clean. He just had to bring the paintings back to the art gallery, and he'd be ready to call Roxanne and ask her out again.
He'd admitted, when they'd been cycling through the park, that he'd never been on a picnic before. She'd made a big fuss about it, asking about his favourite foods, checking the weather and texting him about it. It was kind of annoying. It made him feel unnecessarily special, which tickled in his chest and touched on old feelings that he thought he'd long forgotten. He wasn't quite sure what to expect, when he went out to meet her.
The sun was golden, and Roxanne was wearing the most casual clothing he'd ever seen her in. So this was who she was, when she wasn't dressed for the cameras or for the office: relaxed, all of her cold harsh edges becoming easy and welcoming. Her cynicism still rivalled his own, but it had softened with this kindness. He found it humbling that she could grow up in this cruel world, suffer all of the dangers he'd put her through, and still have so much warmth and trust to give.
Well, okay. She didn't trust him, but she trusted Bernard, and that was a beautiful thing. They talked about Metro Man, making friends, and being socially isolated. How she'd struggled with her drive to succeed, missing out on relationships. How alone he'd been at school, being mercilessly bullied.
"Well, it's a shame I didn't go to your school, then," she said. Her fingers were laced with his, and she was leaning into him. Oh, it wasn't true. It couldn't possibly be true. She'd never mean that, but she thought she meant it, and before his mind had time to process it, the feeling had gone straight to his heart. Even though he knew better, he couldn't help himself.
He allowed himself to imagine a world in which she'd looked at him like this in high school and he'd never grown up to kidnap her, or kill Metro Man, and they were lying in the park together in the sun, and she wasn't looking at him and seeing Bernard. He thought about Metro High's library, and the Prom, and just like that, the golden moment was lost.
It sunk home like exhaustion into his bones. She could never truly love him, not him. She would never truly know him. He didn't deserve her, anyway, but he'd take what he could get. For now, that meant lying in the sun in silence, and ignoring the dread that was building inside his gut. It meant basking in her radiance and squeezing her hand back with a smile, not thinking about the fact that this moment was a lie. Some part of him knew that there was no such thing as a lie that could be taken to the grave, but for as long as it would last, he would enjoy it.