A/N: Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or is reading but not reviewing:)
princessdianaofparadiseisland-Thanks for the review, sis;) Yeah, little Elsa did tell "Mr. Weaseltown" off, didn't she?
Lindstrom-Um, maybe Elsa's super smart? I dunno.:P I guess maybe she was a little young to figure that out...I hope it wasn't too annoying.:)
FanGirlJen-Thank you!:)
fattensaad-Thank you! I'm glad you gave my story a try and like it.:) *jumps about like a crazy person* Thanks for the compliment:)
On to the story!:)
The blizzard ended two days later. Elsa was very glad she did not have to listen to the noisy wind howling anymore. At least I can hear the usual castle noises clearly again.
The one thing she was not looking forward to one bit was her parents knocking on her door again. They had left her alone for the duration of the storm. Probably because they're scared of me… Elsa knew that they probably still blamed her for the storm, and that they were more than a little angry with her for "escaping" into her room after the whole dungeon thing. Well, I'm mad at Dad for suggesting that, Elsa thought. It was Not. My. Fault. Anyway, I am not going to worry about it. There are lots of things that are my fault, but that isn't one of them. I know it isn't.
Sure enough, that afternoon, Elsa heard a knock on her door. "The door is frozen shut," she responded flatly.
"Now what if it were Anna out here?" Agdar asked.
"I can recognize Anna's knock, and that wasn't it." I'm not stupid, Elsa thought. Did you forget you technically forbid Anna to do that?
"Do we have to take the door off again like last Christmas?"
Good luck doing that. I purposely stuck the entire door to the ice, and made sure the ice was all over the doorframe too. Elsa crossed her arms even though no one could see her, and said nothing.
"Good job finally ending the storm."
Elsa rolled her eyes in disgust. Don't they realize I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to unfreeze things? Even if that storm had been mine, I wouldn't have been able to end it. "I didn't end it. It ended by itself. Because it was natural."
"Elsa, we're not starting this again, are we?"
Elsa felt like screaming. This is so not fair! Emotions on lockdown. Conceal don't feel. Not wanting to hear anything more, she decided to just disappear into the secret passages. They can just continue talking to an empty room and think I'm being a brat and ignoring them; I don't care. Elsa slipped inside the secret entrance as silently as possible and headed for the exit into the forest. She knew the snow was probably deep enough to seal off the exit, but that was okay. After all, she wasn't going to go outside. I just want to build a snowman inside the passage. It'll be fine. She'd just pull some snow inside the passage and build her snowman in there.
When Elsa arrived at the secret exit into the forest, she slid the hidden door up. Sure enough, the snow was piled almost to the top of the 'doorframe'. Only a narrow sliver of light shone in from outside. Elsa began pulling snow into the passage to build her snowman. His name is Olaf. Just like the ones Anna and I made when we were little. And the one we made last Christmas Eve. I wish Anna could be here with me. I miss her.
"Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!" she made the snowman say in her thoughts. Me too. Except I…can't have any. Ever. It's not safe and I don't deserve any. Not after what I did to Anna when we were little. I wish I could tell Anna what's wrong with me…but I can't. What if it messed up her memories? Or I hurt her again? Or Anna got scared of me or hated me for what I did? Elsa remembered when she had been ill the summer before and she and Anna had had time together safely, without Elsa having to worry about controlling her powers. Anna comforted me when I had that bad dream about the accident and she didn't even know what was wrong. She didn't even have to say anything. She didn't make me talk about it…she just hugged me and let me cry. "I want Anna back!" she wailed. Elsa crawled into the hole in the snow where she'd pulled snow out to make her Olaf and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to calm down. I can't expect Anna to listen to and understand me and my weird problems. That's just plain selfish and unreasonable on my part. I need to deal with it myself. I told Anna "life isn't fair" last summer and she said "what kind of cryptic response is that?!" That wasn't just a cryptic response. It was CR-wait, oh my goodness, I did not just think a bad word…did I?
Yes, you most certainly did, Elsa. Got any other brilliant questions? Where did you hear the c-p word anyway? Oh, shut up, Elsa told her thoughts. I heard it out in the marketplace when I was little, then got in trouble for saying it afterwards. I remember Anna copied me and said it too, and then when we found out the other meaning of the word when we asked why we shouldn't say it, she was like 'That's icky, Elsa!' and she practically fell over laughing. I wonder if Anna has gotten in trouble for saying a bad word since then. I wonder if she still likes finding toads and lizards outside and holding them. Of course, she always INSISTED adamantly that they were frogs, not toads, no matter what I said... "They's the same thing!" Elsa remembered a three- and four-year-old Anna saying. And no matter how much she liked her toads and lizards, she absolutely hated snakes. I remember finding a little garter snake in the castle gardens once and chasing Anna around with it. Anna squealed her head off about that. Mom and Dad didn't like snakes either…they thought I was weird for liking them. And I, on the other hand, didn't like ants. But I had a good reason after Anna and I accidentally disrupted an anthill with fire ants in it. Well, not exactly accidentally…we poked at it on purpose, but we didn't know there were fire ants in it. Elsa shuddered, remembering how both she and Anna had gotten bites-or were they stings? Elsa couldn't remember which-all over their feet and legs. Elsa hated all kinds of ants with a passion after that, including the little harmless black ones; while Anna didn't seem to have learned her lesson and continued poking anthills when they went outside to play. But I'd rather have that happen all over again and again than have this actual rotten reality.
"I just want Anna," she whispered. "I'd give anything to-to-to…" Elsa voice broke as she buried her face in her hands and cried. I'd voluntarily stay locked in the dungeon if I could have Anna back. Or even just talk to her without getting in trouble. Of course, this whole line of thought is senseless…it's my fault I can't spend time with Anna. It's my powers' fault. Because I can't control it. Because I almost killed her when I was eight. I wish I were just normal. Elsa's troubled mind finally caught up with exactly what she was doing. There was snow falling around her, beginning to fill in the hole in the snow she was sitting in. "Conceal, don't feel; conceal, don't feel," she muttered. Useless. Totally useless. "Was that regarding 'conceal don't feel' or just me?" Elsa wondered aloud. You. You cause trouble. You can't even control yourself. You're never going to be normal, so you'd better face the facts.
"What exactly is 'normal'? Who defines it?" Elsa asked herself. Adults? Whoever happens to be in charge? Society norms? I think it's mostly society norms…but why are 'society norms' what they are? What if 'society norms' are wrong? I know I certainly don't want me to be the gauge for what "normal" is, but why should society dictate what normal is? Maybe that "normal" isn't what some people want, either. Like when Anna and I were little and we did things like hanging upside down in a tree, which was "improper" and therefore not "normal". "Is normal even really something I want to be?" Elsa asked. You just want to be normal in the sense that you want to get rid of your powers and be like every other person on the planet, that's all. And mostly so you can simply be around Anna safely. Stop overthinking things, Elsa.
Well, when I become queen when I'm a grownup, I am going to make sure Anna doesn't have to conform to society's idea of normal if it's not her. If 'just plain Anna' fits "normal", then fine, that's great; but I am NOT making her be anything but herself, Elsa thought. I'm still worried about the idea of me being queen. What if I messed up and lost control and revealed my…problem to a visiting ambassador or dignitary? I'd ruin alliances, trade…I'd ruin Arendelle.
Elsa dug the hole in the snow a bit deeper, and curled up in a ball, wishing Anna was there with her. I wish lots of impossible things…
Elsa stayed curled up in the snow for a long time. She knew it had to be dinnertime by now, but she just wasn't hungry. And there was nothing for her in that room back upstairs. Nothing that she hadn't seen quite enough of for years. Nothing that wasn't just going to make her feel more despondent and depressed than she already was. She was in no hurry to go back in there. Maybe I'll just stay here until all the snow melts. It's not like anyone would miss me. Good grief, I sure wouldn't miss me… Elsa drew snowflake patterns in the snow 'ceiling' overhead; then rubbed them away when she realized just what exactly she was drawing. My signature snowflake pattern. That's what I drew. Why did I do that? I thought I decided I didn't even want to see it anymore. "I do have to get Anna chocolate. I told her I would," Elsa said aloud. She said she has a secret stash, though, so I can still stay here awhile. I don't want to go back in my room.
Elsa fell asleep there in the snow that night. The accident from when she and Anna were little invaded her dreams and replayed over and over until Elsa woke up shaking in terror and crying. Why do I keep dreaming about that? It makes me feel sick. And WHY did I have to miss and hit Anna?! WHY?! What did I do to deserve all this…mess? Anna and I were just two little girls playing together. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I didn't do it on purpose! Elsa glanced over at her snowman sitting just inside the passage and felt completely heartbroken and angry. I can't look at you anymore, Olaf. You're making me think of Anna, and thinking of Anna makes me feel…shattered inside. She scrambled out of the snow 'cave' and dismantled the snowman. Then she felt bad for breaking her snowman and just crawled back into the hole and sobbed, ignoring the ice spreading over the passage's walls. I want Anna back. I want to fix things, and I CAN'T! I don't know how.
Quit thinking about Anna, Elsa. You're just making things worse for yourself. "I know, but I can't help it! What's the point of living if I'm just isolated from everything and everyone forever?! It's pointless; useless! I want Anna back! I want my powers to go away and get myself fixed! I want to be able to just be me!" Impossible, Elsa. And you want to know the 'point of living'? You're heir to Arendelle's throne. And you can't dump your future responsibilities on Anna. Surely things will be better someday…right? "I hope so anyways," Elsa whispered.
By the next afternoon (or what Elsa judged to be the next afternoon), Elsa still didn't feel particularly hungry, but figured she should probably go eat something anyway. And the snow cave was starting to collapse because it was starting to melt. So Elsa slowly headed back to her room. Everything was exactly as she had left it. Elsa grabbed an apple from her stash of food and went to look at her drawings of her dream-building, which were still fastened to the wall. The ice-fasteners are still intact. The dream-building is just as nice as it was when I first thought of it. There's something good that doesn't have to change.
Late that night, Elsa was awoken by a certain rhythmic knock on her door. Rather than feeling annoyed at being woken up, Elsa was more curious as to why Anna would be knocking at this time of night. Elsa fumbled to light the kerosene lamp on her nightstand and accidentally knocked a book on the floor.
"E-Elsa? I know you're awake-I just heard you drop something in there. I c-c-can't sleep…I dreamed something awful happened t-to you. You fell off the roof instead of m-me last Christmas Eve and…and…and I couldn't catch you and…" Anna's voice trailed off.
Elsa's eyes filled with tears. I know exactly what nightmares like that are like. They're horrible. I can't make Anna deal with that on her own. Elsa tiptoed over to the door. "Think…happy thoughts before you…fall asleep, Anna. It…helps. Usually."
Anna had been hoping Elsa would reply, but she hadn't actually expected her to. "Could…c-could you let me in, just for a minute? I promise I won't touch you or get close to you. I just want to, like, actually see you, so I know you're ok…"
"Anna, I…I…I can't…" Elsa answered sadly. That ice barrier is still on the door and it's not safe for me to let her in. "What if I…sing instead?" I shouldn't do that…I can't just leave Anna out there upset about a bad dream though. Bad dreams are horrible and make it hard to sleep the rest of the night.
"A lullaby?" Anna sat down outside Elsa's door and curled up under the blanket she'd brought with her.
"Yeah…" Elsa said softly. She began singing,
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away…" Elsa's sweet, slightly wistful voice floated out into the hallway to Anna.
"You sing pretty," Anna said sleepily. "Do it again…" Anna suddenly realized just what lyrics her sister was singing as Elsa started her song over again. What is she singing such a depressing song for?! I mean, it sounds really pretty, but…Elsa, what's happened to you? The eight-year-old Elsa I remember tickled me and told jokes or something when I had a bad dream. Not sing something like that. Anna had a sick feeling that those lyrics were only too literal in their meaning to her sister's mind. Oh, Elsa. I'll never take your sunshine away. I don't know why you're thinking I'm your 'only sunshine', but I won't abandon you. Ever. I…love…you…Elsa.
Elsa paused in her singing, trying to hear what Anna was doing. She pressed her ear to the ice barrier on the door. I think Anna's either asleep out there or gone back to her room. Elsa sat down with her back leaning against the door; then almost jumped out of her skin when she heard someone say her name. It's Anna. She's still out there. "Thank you for coming," Elsa whispered.
"Nah…methankou," Elsa heard Anna mumble.
Elsa gave a happy sigh and curled up against the door herself. I actually got Anna relaxed enough to go back to sleep. I did something good. I'm not useless.
Both girls slept pressed against the door the rest of the night, each comforted by the fact the other was just on the other side of the door.
It was better than nothing.
A/N: Next chapter coming soon!:)