A/N: Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or is reading but not reviewing:)
Fatten Saad-Elsa really needs to sit and just think for a minute...she knows Anna blathers without thinking:/
WarriorQueen 14-Well, Elsa and Anna are going to be happy for a little while again in this chapter.:) And thanks! I HATE angsty depressing stuff in real life; I guess I'm letting it out in my story instead:P We should be getting to the coronation and stuff soon, so then they'll be on their way to their happy ending:)
Frozen ForEvah-I'm glad you're enjoying it! It's going to stay in canon, so there's lots more story to go:)
olaf99-Yes, Elsa and Anna get to be happy for part of this chapter:) Hmm...I'm sure I can work that in. Tornado and they get to spend time together in the cellar in one of the next two chapters; got it. Sounds good:)
dmcreif-Personally I'm totally with Elsa on that whole thing.:P The whole arranged betrothal/marriage thing is rather off-putting to me, Although, yeah, Anna does have a point about that. They're 19 and almost 16 at this point...I think DEFINITELY Elsa and probably Anna would have already been betrothed or married if 1)Elsa didn't have ice powers she can't control and/or 2)their parents were still there. And thanks!:) I always thought Elsa had to have taken care of Arendelle herself in that 3-year interim...but since she's underage, she wouldn't have complete authority. So, yeah...:)
princessdianaofparadiseisland-Hey sis...have you been talking to Anna or something?:P Because you sound just like herXD
szczygowa-No need to apologize!:) I'm glad you enjoy it! And I'm pleased to know it's unique.:)
On to the story! (I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG WAIT.:/ It's school, what else?:P)
Elsa didn't come downstairs for dinner on her birthday, or any meals at all for a long while. She resorted to getting food out of the kitchen herself, much as she had done before the shipwreck. The only time she left her room was to check on political messages and things in the study. Elsa thought that Anna didn't really want to be around her, that Anna just tried to make amends with her because she didn't want to hurt Elsa's feelings; but she couldn't have been more wrong. Anna sorely regretted that outburst and wished Elsa would listen to her. But Elsa, having grown up for all those years convinced that she was abnormal and not worth caring about, couldn't reconcile herself with the fact that Anna really had just been blathering in the heat of anger.
There was also the fact that everything Anna had said (except for the part about the dungeon) had been mostly true in the first place. Elsa felt like she was being a selfish creep for not being able to simply accept the facts. I've told myself those things countless times, so why does it bother me so much that Anna said them to my face? I have no idea…
The months passed uneventfully. Elsa turned down several more marriage/betrothal offers, including two that had been for Anna, to Elsa's utter chagrin. Her sister wasn't even sixteen yet, for goodness sakes! Elsa knew those offers kept coming because despite the fact that her country was under the care of an inexperienced nineteen-year-old girl no one had seen for more than a decade, Arendelle was still a prospering, independent nation. Arendelle would be valuable to other countries for alliances and trade. If she were to accept one of those offers for either Anna or herself or both, she would be sealing a political alliance of some type. Elsa began to wonder if she was making the wrong decision for her country by not backing down from her decision, but she knew it wasn't safe for her to have any unknown men in the castle. And if she accepted one of the offers for Anna, she was declaring that that nation was superior in rank to her own. Definitely not what she wanted. Plus there was the fact that Elsa was still outraged by the whole marriage-for-political-reasons thing in the first place. No, she was sticking with her decision. If Arendelle began having economic difficulties, then maybe she would reconsider.
By Anna's birthday, the two girls still hadn't made up. Anna came knocking on Elsa's door nearly every day, but more often than not, Elsa wouldn't reply and Anna ended up yelling at the silence and subsequently feeling awful and apologizing. "Elsa, will you come out today? It could be my birthday present!" Anna said.
Elsa didn't say anything. Does Anna really want me to come out for her birthday?
"Puh-lease? I never see you anymore…" Anna's voice trailed off.
Elsa bit her lip. Should she come out? Whether Anna genuinely wanted her to come out or not, she did sound like she wanted Elsa to come out. I can't make a fair people-read without seeing Anna face-to-face anyway. Now why didn't I think of that before? Sometimes I am so stupid… "Anna…if I come out, will you promise not to touch me?" Elsa asked finally.
"Cross my heart and hope to die, although I don't understand why," Anna replied instantly. Yay! Elsa's gonna come out!
Elsa slowly opened the door and gave her sister a hesitant smile. "I…don't know whether you really…want me here or not. But I'll do my best to…not ruin your birthday again anyway." Okay, Elsa, you can do this. Don't mess up your sister's birthday this time. It's just one day. You can make it through one day.
Anna sighed. Elsa still thinks I'm just patronizing her. At least I got her to come out finally, though. "You're not gonna ruin anything, Elsa. And I know you still don't believe me, but I DO want you here. Why don't we just chalk the last six months up as a loss and pretend they never happened? No argument about marriage stuff; no me yelling mean things at you I didn't mean; no nothing. Would that be ok?"
Elsa turned away and rested her forehead against the hallway wall. I think Anna is for real. My people instincts are usually right. At least whenever I've been able to use them… "Anna, it's…hard for me to 'dump' things in a flash like you do, but I'm ready and willing to try," she said quietly. It's not because I hold grudges; it's because I've been messed up for so long. In more ways than one…my powers, and I'm pretty sure I'm not quite right on the inside in my head, either. I shouldn't have gotten so hurt that Anna told me something that was really half-true.
Ok, that's a start. "Hey, Elsa? Try remembering this…The past is in the past. So we haven't got to bother with it anymore," Anna replied.
Elsa turned back around to face Anna. The past…is in the past? What a nice thought. I wish I could believe it. But I hurt Anna…I can't forget what happened and risk it happening again. At least not until I can figure out how to control it. "I can't…not right now. Maybe I'll be able to someday…" Elsa gazed off into the distance at something only she could see. The two of them finally able to be together without Elsa being dangerous for Anna to be around. Maybe they would go up on the North Mountain together and play with Elsa's powers like they used to do in the ballroom when they were little.
"Uh, Elsa? Earth to Elsa!" Anna waved her hand in front of her sister's face, making sure not to actually touch her.
Elsa blinked and snapped back to the present. "Sorry, I…zoned out. Again. Could we…go downstairs, maybe?"
"Sure." Anna paused before asking, "Elsa, I know I promised not to touch you, and I won't if you say no, but is it all right to touch your shoulder right now?"
I don't know whether it's okay or not, Anna, Elsa thought. "Not right now…maybe later, though?" she asked hopefully. Elsa's heart fell when she saw Anna's disappointed face, so she added, "It's just that…I don't want to hurt you…"
"You aren't going to. Elsa, you like to be logical; I know you do. So answer this: You let me touch your shoulder lots of times before, and you didn't hurt me at all. So why would you hurt me now?"
"I wouldn't try to…I'm afraid I will and not even know it or something. Please just let me be about it," Elsa said. I can't let Anna do that. I'm older now, and so my powers have increased in strength too; I just know it…
Because she didn't want to chase Elsa back into her room again, Anna let the topic drop. For now. She'd try again later.
After lunch, Elsa decided to ask Anna the question that had been weighing on her for all the last several months. Well, here goes… "Anna…why did you tell me those things that day? I'm not mad…I just want to know…why."
Anna gave her a puzzled look as the two of them plopped down on a sofa in the portrait gallery. "What do you mean 'why'?"
"Well…I'm not good at…expressing myself out loud, so I understand if you can't tell me. Why did you tell me those things that day in the study? I'm sure now that you did not mean to make me upset and run off like that." I shouldn't have gotten so upset anyway… Elsa looked down and clasped her hands together in her lap. "So I guess I'm wondering…what made you explode. I think."
"Ohhhh…You just made me so mad when you shot down all my romance ideas! Because there is no way you know any more about it than I do. We've both been stuck in the castle since we were really little, and well, yeah. Elsa does not know more about such things than Anna does," Anna finished firmly.
Elsa narrowed her eyes at her sister, but she didn't say anything more for a minute. Anna has got to be kidding. She genuinely thinks romance is going to work like it does in one of her silly mushy fairy tales?! "Anna, those books you read are FAIRY TALES. Not real life. Do you honestly think a girl is just going to meet a guy and fall in love with him at first sight?"
Anna shrugged. "I don't see why not. Ooh, Elsa, did you get a marriage offer thingie for me, too?!"
Conceal, don't feel; conceal don't feel… Elsa forced herself to stay calm before replying. "As a matter of fact, I have received more than one, and I turned them all down. I am not marrying off my sixteen-year-old sister. It's so ridiculous it's beyond stupid."
"They make political alliances!" Anna said hopefully.
"Yes, but even if I were just going with that, I am not going to rank whatever country the ruler's family you married into above ours. That isn't even a good thing for Arendelle, let alone you or me," Elsa told her. "There will be no political marriages here. I will not even remotely consider such a thing unless Arendelle's economy is in dire straits or something."
"How'm I gonna get to meet anybody, then? I was hoping if you accepted one, that prince would come visit and we could open the gates and everything. Actually, why can't we open the gates anyhow?"
Elsa visibly flinched at that question. Stay calm, Elsa…conceal, don't feel… "There are two main reasons why I can't do that. One, I-"
"But that's dumb! You're in charge, so why not?!" Anna interrupted.
"Anna, I was about to tell you!" Elsa replied, feeling a bit exasperated. "One, I cannot let anyone in the castle because it isn't safe for anyone to be around dangerous, defective me. Two, I don't have the authority to open the gates at all until after the coronation when I turn twenty-one. As of now, I am still underage and I don't have the absolute authority the monarch would have. I'm basically a regent; I can't pass or repeal laws. I don't have any authority of my own yet."
Anna stayed quiet, thinking about what Elsa had just told her. "You mean…Mom and Dad made some ruling that the gates had to stay closed and you can't change it whether you want to or not for another TWO WHOLE YEARS?!"
Elsa bit her lip and slowly nodded. I'm sorry, Anna, but I can't do anything about it. And it's more like one and a half years now…
"That's no fair! Mom and Dad aren't even HERE! Why would a dumb law like that even exist?! It's stupid, stupid, stupid! I can't go out the gates just 'cause of that?! I'm sorry if I'm shouting at you 'cause I know it's not your fault, but that has got to be the absolute dumbest law ever!"
"Anna, if you can't calm down, I will go back to my room right this second," Elsa said calmly, trying to get Anna's loud ranting to end.
"Ok…But it's still stupid," Anna reiterated a moment later.
"Stupid or not, that's the way it is." Elsa wondered what they should do now. Anything but talk about this. "Anna, would you like to go to the library? Maybe I could play a song on the piano and you could sing," she offered.
"Awesome idea!"
"I haven't played in ages, so I'm very, very sorry if I'm rusty," Elsa said ten minutes later as she and Anna walked into the library.
"Can you play a Christmas song?" Anna asked. "A simple one, maybe?"
"Let's find a songbook and find out." Elsa quickly scanned the shelf where the music books were, trying to find a Christmas one. "Here's one!" She paused for a moment before saying, "Anna, I have an…odd request. Will you go out in the hall for, say, fifteen minutes? I promise I'll let you back in." I want to try something, and I can't with Anna in here…
"Fifteen minutes and that's IT," Anna agreed. "I'll be waiting in the hall!"
Elsa locked the door behind her sister and headed back to the piano. I wonder if I can do this…I hope I can. It'd be one thing I can do exactly as I did when I was little. Elsa slid onto the piano bench and took a deep breath before slipping her gloves off and poising her fingers over the keys. One tiny frost mistake and the gloves go back on. I just want to try first. I'll never know unless I try. She closed her eyes, trying to remember how the piece, one she'd been working on at age eight just before the accident, started. Elsa could hear the piece playing in her head, but for the life of her, she had absolutely no idea how to begin. I give up; I'm finding the book. It has to be in here. A minute's search gave her what she was looking for, and she opened the music to the right page and sat back down. Yep, that's what I remember. "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven…I also remember eight-year-old me couldn't reach some of the chords. Elsa smiled a bit and started to play, fumbling a bit with the notes at first.
But there was no ice anywhere.
Elsa kept playing, losing herself in the piece. The dark, mournful chords, along with the more singing melody, gave her a way to let out the hurt and depression and everything else that was bothering her. And there was still no ice. Elsa's tears blurred the last measure of the music in front of her, but it didn't matter. She remembered how it ended now. I should have come here sooner. I actually felt upset, depressed, and whatever else, and I didn't make any mess at all, or even feel like I was going to! "I did it!" she exclaimed happily. "I really, really did it!" Elsa suddenly heard clapping from outside the library. I bet Anna was listening to me… She grabbed her gloves and slipped them back on before running over to the door to let Anna in. I can play the piano without them, but I don't trust myself otherwise.
The second Anna came in, she started gushing. "Elsa, that was soooo good! How did you play like that after not doing it for so long?!"
"I don't know…it just sort of happened," Elsa said, giving Anna a slightly lopsided smile. "It was a depressing piece, but playing it made me…happy. Why did that happen, Anna?"
Anna noticed that although Elsa's blue eyes were all teary, she obviously wasn't sad or upset. She looks happier than she has all day. I wonder why… "I think…you let out something that's made you hurt inside and it made you happy," she said finally. Why is my big sister asking me something like that about herself? Sometimes Elsa seems like a little girl. She's like…I don't know, I don't care; I'm going to love her anyway. 'Cause she's my sister and nobody should live for years and years feeling isolated and alone like she did...and probably still does. Anna was suddenly quite certain that the reason Elsa seemed like a little girl sometimes was because she didn't know how her feelings were supposed to work from trying to get rid of them entirely for so long. Elsa had no reference from which to work out her feelings at all; they were either completely hidden or exploding out of her, always one or the other.
"That makes sense," Elsa agreed, wiping her eyes. "Come on, Anna, let's play a happy song now." She reached a hand out to Anna before suddenly jerking it back. I can't do that. I can't touch Anna.
"Elsa, you can touch me. I won't mind if you hold my hand. And you aren't gonna hurt me," Anna told her, realizing what her sister had almost done before deciding not to.
Elsa shook her head firmly. "I can't. I was being stupid and thoughtless…again. Let's play and sing instead." She plopped herself down on the piano bench and began flipping though the Christmas songbook. "What do you want to sing, Anna?"
"Jingle Bells, maybe?"
Elsa giggled, remembering that Anna had liked to sing that when the two of them were little, too. She slipped her gloves back off, ready to play. "Okay, ready? Please excuse any mistakes…One, two, three, four…" Elsa set the tempo for the song and began to play.
"Ah ah ah, wait one second…I see something different about you! A good different. Care to explain?" Anna asked, pointing at Elsa's bare hands.
Elsa glanced down at her hands, knowing exactly what her sister was thinking. "My…problem…doesn't bother me when I play," she explained finally. It's like it's not even there. No out of control ice or anything.
What on earth could Elsa be talking about? "Well, um…that's good? I mean definitely good but I still don't understand…Whatever, I won't bug you anymore," Anna stopped talking instantly when she noticed Elsa starting to paste that neutral expression on her face again. "Let's sing!"
Now Elsa smiled a bit, and for the first time in over a decade, the two princesses of Arendelle filled the castle library with happy music. Silly music, if you added in Anna's spur-of-the-moment lyrics she made up. Soon, Elsa was laughing so hard she couldn't pay attention to the music in front of her any longer. "What did you just say?!" she asked Anna for the third time. She stopped playing and slipped her gloves back on, waiting for Anna's reply.
Anna figuratively froze, wondering if Elsa would really think what her sister had sung was so funny if she knew exactly what the lyrics were. "Um…ah…are you sure you wanna know?"
Elsa nodded vigorously. "Yes, I do! I thought one line was 'locked doors smell'…I heard wrong, riiiight?" One look at Anna's red face told Elsa that was EXACTLY what she had heard. "So…jingle bells, locked doors smell…then what?" She paused for a moment before adding, "Locked doors do smell! I hate them…I just wish I could get rid of them…" Elsa's voice trailed off.
"Ok, well, I said jinglebellslockeddoorssmellElsaneedsahug?" Anna blurted. "Please don't get upset, please, I wasn't thinking and it just sort of came out and yeah, I'm sorry and-"
Elsa held up a hand and told Anna to be quiet. "It's fine, Anna. Let's just…sing something else, okay? It was hilarious until the hug part, actually." Elsa's eyes flitted to the window, where both girls could easily see it had started snowing. "Look, Anna! It's snow!" she whispered happily. I can control my powers better in the winter. I hope it snows a lot…actually, I know it's going to snow a lot. I can feel it.
"Are we gonna have a white Christmas, Elsa?" Anna asked. Oh, I hope we do; it'd be so awesome and maybe just maybe Elsa would go out in the courtyard with me.
"I'm not sure, but I think so," Elsa told her. Maybe I could go out in the courtyard with Anna. If I made any power mess-ups, it wouldn't even show. "I hope we do!" The two of them stood side by side in front of the window, watching the fat snowflakes fall to the ground.
"I'm…dreaming…of a white…Christmas," Anna started singing again.
"Just like the ones I used to know," Elsa joined in with the next line. I really wish we could have a white Christmas like those times when we were little. We went outside and everything…
"Where the treetops glisten, and-"
"Anna, wait a second!" Elsa interrupted. "Do we have a Christmas tree? I know I didn't in my room for the last-okay, I don't care to count how many-Christmases, but did you and Mom and Dad have one anywhere in the castle?" I'm getting us a tree this year. I know I can do that.
"Mom and Dad got one every year for awhile, but they stopped the Christmas I was twelve…I think. Are we gonna have one this year, Elsa? Are we, are we, are we?!" Anna asked excitedly. Wait a minute…Elsa never had one in her room all those years?! Why couldn't she have just had one of her own? Surely she had one, at least when she was little…
Elsa's expression grew determined. "Yes. We are. I will get us a tree. Right now. You go up in the attic and find the ornaments. Meet me back here in two hours. Got it?"
"Got it…one thing…Elsa, I don't like the attic. It's creepy up there! And dark, and…"
"Anna, get Gerda to go up there with you. There's nothing creepy up there," Elsa said. Anna didn't like the attic when she was five…she still hasn't grown out of that.
"I can do it myself."
Elsa giggled. "Okay. Anna, you sound exactly like you did when you were five. I'll see you in two hours!" She went off in search of a saw so she could go find a tree in the forest. This time I'm ready. If someone tries kidnapping me again like three years ago, I have a weapon this time…although I really can't see myself hurting somebody with a saw. Elsa shuddered at the thought, but she was going forward with her plan this time. No room for turning chicken this time.
After retrieving a saw from the cellar, Elsa headed back up to her room to change her clothes. She wasn't worried about getting cold outside, but she wanted some sort of non-dressy cloak with a hood to hide her identifying platinum hair and also so no one would look twice at a simple villager girl. If anyone recognizes me-which I doubt anyone would-or even if someone just thinks I'm from a wealthy family, I'm dead meat if I get found out there in the forest. I need to look…ordinary. The only trouble was that Elsa had nothing of the sort in her closet. Just lots and lots of different blue dresses that looked far too fancy for what she wanted. Maybe Anna has something, she thought.
Elsa headed down the hall to her sister's room, but ran into her on the way. Anna was stumbling towards the library holding several large boxes. "Here, let me help," Elsa offered, and took half the boxes from her sister. The second they had reached the library, Elsa asked, "Anna, do you have any old ordinary-looking dresses or cloaks lying around?"
"Yep! From when we played dress-up when we were little. C'mon, I'll get you something." Anna held out her hand for Elsa to hold, but Elsa shook her head and clasped her hands together.
"You can…touch my shoulder though," Elsa said softly as she looked down at the floor. It's okay. Anna did it lots of times before. It has to be okay now.
Anna immediately took Elsa's offer and gently squeezed her sister's shoulder. "Thank you, Elsa." Elsa must feel better now if she let me do that.
Why is she thanking me? I'm the one that doesn't act like she should and is scared of people touching her. Elsa smiled a bit, but she didn't say anything more.
Fifteen minutes later, Anna giggled as she looked at her sister standing in the middle of her room. "Elsa, I think that's a crummy disguise! I don't care if you're wearing an old brown dress and that cloak; I still just see my sister playing dress-up!"
Elsa sighed good-naturedly. "Well, that's just too bad, because this is going to have to be good enough." She looked at herself in the mirror and spun around. I don't think my 'disguise' is that bad…the only identifying thing about me is my abnormally fair skin…and if anyone sees my platinum hair…but nobody's seen me for forever, so I think I'm safe as far as that goes. With any luck, nobody would see her anyway. Elsa smoothed her brown skirt and pulled the navy cloak tighter around her shoulders, making sure her hair was covered. "It's going to have to work. I'll see you in a little while. Thank you, Anna."
After a slapdash trip through the secret passages into the forest, Elsa walked slowly through the trees, happily watching the snow fall as she looked for a suitable Christmas tree. There's one! she thought, eyeing a tree about a foot taller than she was. Not too big, not too fat. And she'd be able to carry it.
Hopefully.
Elsa bit her lip and started sawing at the trunk. I hope I'm doing this right… A few minutes later, the tree tipped over…right on top of her, knocking her flat on her back. Elsa just laughed as she lay there in the snow. If Anna saw me right now, she'd probably crack up laughing. She wrestled herself out from under the tree and clumsily picked it up before stumbling back toward the secret passages. Now Elsa had a new problem: there was no way that tree was going to fit through all the twists and turns in the passages. The only other way back into the castle from here was through the front gates, and she'd have to clamber over rocks jutting out into the fjord to get around to the front of the castle. Well, that's that. I'm going to have to pull out Outdoorsy Elsa, who probably doesn't exist. Elsa sighed and began heading around to the rocks in the fjord.
Elsa eyed the slippery rocks warily, the fjord's water lapping all around them. What if I slip and fall? I'll hurt myself and lose the tree, too. Struck by a sudden idea, she slipped off her shoes so she could get better traction on the rocks. Those shoes were already slippery, and since Elsa didn't mind the cold, going barefoot wouldn't bother her. She had made it about three-quarters there when she stepped on a loose rock with sharp edges, sending her sprawling. Instinctively, she let go of the tree and caught herself before actually falling in the water off the rocks. Great, now I have to get that tree back. Elsa frowned as she reached for that tree, ignoring her sore foot. I have to get back to the castle, WITH the tree. For Anna. She finally secured her footing and made it onto flat ground, away from those rocks. Elsa yanked her hood back over her head to hide her hair and quickly made her way around to the main gates.
Elsa hesitantly knocked on the gate, hoping the guard would see her. Except…if my disguise is actually working, I'm not going to be recognized and I won't be able to get in…shoot.
"Miss, no one can come into Arendelle castle," the guard announced.
"I am Crown Princess Elsa of Arendelle," Elsa replied. Please recognize me…please, please, please… She flipped her hood off to reveal her hair, hoping it would be enough that she'd be recognized.
"You look like Princess Elsa…if you are the princess, I beg your pardon; but could you answer a question to verify who you are?"
Elsa smiled and nodded. "Of course." That sounds fair enough to me.
"How old was Princess Elsa when she snuck down to the dungeon to explore?"
"I was three," Elsa replied instantly. And I was stupid. I hate even the notion of going down there now, especially since so many of the staff were let go and NO ONE is down there, even a guard. It's creepy and…lonely. I know so. "And my sister was a little baby." A moment later, the gate opened just barely wide enough for Elsa and the tree to enter, and the guard hesitantly reminded her about the law regarding the gates. "The gates are not open now," Elsa replied quietly. "I needed to get the tree…mostly for my sister." And she turned and headed back into the castle without saying anything more.
Elsa met Gerda in the castle's main entry hall. "Where did you get that tree, princess?" she asked.
"The forest. It's a Christmas tree for Anna and me…but mostly for Anna…" Elsa's voice trailed off.
"Is your foot ok?" Gerda asked, noticing Elsa's bare feet and slight limp.
"I don't know; I think so. I slipped on the rocks out over the fjord, that's all," Elsa said. "Would you like to…to decorate the tree with Anna and me in the library?" she asked hopefully.
"How about Kai can carry that tree upstairs and you get your foot looked at?"
"Okay." Elsa was in a very agreeable mood; all she wanted was a nice Christmas with Anna this year. I am not ruining Christmas for us again, especially for Anna's sake.
"Really, I'm fine. I probably just twisted it a little when I fell or something," Elsa said for the umpteenth time. "Please don't touch it; I don't want to…hurt you…"
"Princess, you never make ice with your feet unless you're extremely upset. And I can tell you aren't upset right now. You just want to go upstairs and decorate the tree with Princess Anna," Gerda told her. "Let me see it."
Elsa tucked her feet under the chair she was sitting in. "Are you going to touch it?" she asked. I know I usually don't make ice that way unless I'm upset, but I don't want to risk it, either.
"The tree is all ready for you and your sister in the library," Kai said just then.
"Thank you!" Elsa hopped up from her seat and headed straight upstairs, not wanting to keep trying to convince Gerda not to touch her foot, even if the risk was negligible that anything bad would happen.
"Princess Elsa seems much more chipper than usual today," Kai commented the second Elsa was out of sight.
"She's always happier after she spends a bit of time with her little sister," Gerda said. "I do wish she would stop refusing any physical contact, though. That girl needs a warm hug if anyone ever did."
Upstairs in the library, Elsa plopped down on the sofa, waiting for Anna to come back. Soon Anna came stumbling into the room with the last of the ornaments. "Oh…wow," Anna breathed, staring at the tree.
Elsa smiled. "I take it I got us a good one?" she asked.
"It's perfect! Just like you."
"The tree might be perfect, but I'm not," Elsa said quietly, frowning at her hands resting in her lap. How can Anna say that? I haven't even spent Christmas with her since I was eight. I'm the farthest thing from 'perfect'.
Anna quickly sat down on the sofa next to Elsa and gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze. "You're correct that you're not perfect in the sense that NOBODY can really be perfect, but you're as perfect as a person can be. You're fine just the way you are," she told her.
Elsa's expression brightened a little bit, but she still didn't smile. "Anna…how can you even say that? You don't want me the way I am…I'm messed up and dangerous and I can't even be a proper sister to you anymore like when we were little…I ruin everything." Elsa turned away and buried her face in her hands as she added, "I'll probably end up ruining this Christmas too…just like all the others." Elsa, you will not ruin this Christmas. You've done enough damage already.
"No, Elsa, you aren't going to ruin anything," Anna said firmly. "I do want you around whether you're your old happy carefree self or your present self that's gotten brainwashed into thinking she's 'messed up' and 'dangerous'. You're still my sweet big sister, Elsa, no matter what."
But I'm not brainwashed. It is true. I am messed up and dangerous... Why is Anna still willing to bother with me? Even after that big misunderstanding that was mostly because I'm way too sensitive sometimes? Elsa made no response.
Anna hesitantly put her arm around Elsa's shoulders, making sure not to get anywhere near her hands. Elsa flinched, but she didn't react otherwise. "Elsa, why don't we put the ornaments on the tree? Maybe doing something fun will make you happier."
Elsa sat silently, her body shaking a bit all over because she was scared. I should make Anna get away from me…but this is the closest I've had to a hug for so long without me being chained up or sick. That's selfish, Elsa. You're being more concerned about your own feelings than Anna's safety. "You'd better not do that anymore, Anna," Elsa whispered. "I don't want to hurt you…"
Because she didn't want to risk chasing Elsa away into her room again, Anna reluctantly moved away from her sister. Elsa did want a hug. I know she did. I wish I knew why she was so scared of anyone touching her. Anna finally just said, "Do you want to decorate the tree?"
Elsa nodded but didn't say anything; although she did give Anna a grateful look that said Thank you for leaving me alone when I needed you to. She hopped off the sofa and began pulling tinsel out of one of the decoration boxes.
"Elsa, why are you limping like that?" Anna asked, frowning as she watched her sister start putting some of the tinsel on the tree.
"I'm fine," Elsa answered a little too quickly. Please just leave it alone. I don't want anyone touching me or fussing over me. I think it's fine anyway…
"Maybe you oughta let me or somebody else look at it," Anna suggested, hoping that her sister would agree, although she was pretty sure Elsa wouldn't. Sure enough, Elsa immediately shook her head no. "Well then you sit down till you can walk without limping," was Anna's prompt response.
"But I want to decorate the tree with you! See look, I can walk without limping," Elsa said, and proceeded to make a point to walk normally on the sore foot.
Anna grabbed Elsa's arm, and pulled her over to the sofa. "You stop that. You're gonna make whatever's wrong worse doing that," Anna scolded. "If I quit bugging you about it while we decorate the tree, will you promise to sit down for awhile afterwards? Maybe we could have some hot chocolate or something."
"Okay. Deal." Elsa gave Anna a small smile, and soon the two of them were happily decorating the tree together.
A half hour later, Elsa and Anna stepped back from the tree and admired their work. "It looks so pretty…" Elsa whispered. "Especially because I actually got to decorate it with you." I haven't had a real Christmas tree since I was eight. And this one is all the more special because Anna decorated it with me.
"Elsa, did you ever have a tree, like, in your room? At least when you were little, anyways?" Anna asked, already fairly certain what her sister's answer would be.
Elsa crossed her arms around her middle and went to stand by the window. "No," she said flatly. "Do you want to know what happened when I was nine?" Elsa asked, her voice completely void of emotion, as if she were talking about something that didn't matter to her at all.
Anna suddenly had a bad feeling about where this conversation was headed. No, I probably don't want to know what happened when Elsa was nine…
Elsa didn't hear a peep out of Anna, but she kept talking anyway. "I asked if I could please have a tree in my room. I wouldn't come out or anything; I just wanted a tree. And… 'Elsa, you cannot have a tree in your room. One tree in the castle is enough. You don't need a thing like that in here. It probably wouldn't last long, anyway.'" 'You need to learn how to control your ice problem', Elsa finished in her head. And it 'wouldn't last long' because I might have accidentally frozen it or something. "I never tried asking for one after that…my request would have just gotten turned down again." What Elsa had not shared with Anna was that nine-year-old Elsa was still hopeful at that time that she was just 'sick' and might be able to spend the next Christmas with Anna if her parents found out a way to fix her. When the next Christmas rolled around, Elsa's ice problem was worse, not better; and so the little girl hadn't even tried to ask for a tree, or anything else for that matter. I was such a naïve, stupid little kid. Why did I ever think it was possible to fix everything? Dumb, dumb, dumb…
Now Anna was simultaneously mad and felt like crying. That's rotten. Elsa was just a little girl! Why on earth couldn't she have had a tree in her room? Even a little tiny one probably would have made her happy. It's like…like Mom and Dad didn't even treat her like a human being that has feelings. No wonder Elsa felt-and I know she still does feel-like she's worthless. Everything just got taken away from her, even silly things like Christmas trees… "Elsa, I…I don't know what to say except that that was NOT fair to you! I mean, it's just-"
"Anna, I probably deserved it," Elsa interrupted. "Mom and Dad knew I was a…monster, and…and…and I shouldn't even be here with you now…It's selfish on my part…don't worry about it; I don't even know why I told you that. It happened ten years ago, for goodness sakes…"
"You didn't deserve any such of a thing. And you are not a monster. Do you think a monster would have gone and gotten a Christmas tree to decorate with her little sister?"
Elsa shook her head. I suppose not. But I still hurt Anna when we were little!
"And I think you told me that because what happened still makes you hurt inside. You know, like to get it off your chest…to make yourself feel better by sharing it with somebody," Anna said.
Conceal, don't feel; conceal, don't feel… "I'm not supposed to feel…mess everything up when I do," Elsa muttered to herself. "Maybe I can't feel…"
"Elsa, that's nonsense and you know it. You are feeling right this second, and you wouldn't be hurt and upset if you couldn't feel," Anna told her. "And I don't know where this 'mess everything up if I feel' stuff came from, but that's nonsense too. You can't not feel. It's just impossible. You are not going to mess everything up."
Elsa blinked in confusion at Anna. Anna must have heard what I was saying to myself. "Could we just drop this topic, please?" she asked after a long pause.
"Hot chocolate instead?" Anna offered quickly.
Elsa gave Anna a small smile at that. "Okay…I like hot chocolate." Except it wouldn't matter whether it's hot, cold, or anywhere in between. I can't feel temperatures at all…
A few minutes later, Elsa sat curled up on the sofa under a blanket with her hot chocolate, while Anna sat curled up on the opposite side of the sofa under a different blanket. "I know you're immune to cold, but I thought you might like a warm blanket all the same," Anna said.
Elsa blinked back tears. I can't feel whether it's warm or not at all. It's like I'm…temperatureless. I can't even do something simple like this like a normal girl would…conceal, don't feel. Emotions on lockdown… "Thanks for the thought, Anna," she whispered finally.
"What's wrong, Elsa? Are you all right?"
"It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it," Elsa said quietly. "Let's just drink our hot chocolate." Well, even if I am unable to feel temperatures, I still like hot chocolate. And at least I'm doing something with Anna for once. That's good enough for me.
"It does too matter, but I won't keep bugging you about it. Let's just sit and enjoy our hot chocolate, like you said. Here's to our first Christmas together in forever." Anna smiled at Elsa and held out her mug to clink with Elsa's.
I hope it's going to be our first Christmas together in forever. As long as I don't get out of control during the next few days… "I love you, Anna…I'll try my best not to ruin Christmas this year," Elsa replied. She glanced at the large grandfather clock in the corner, realizing it was probably late. Almost midnight?! Yipes…
"You won't. I know you won't." Anna yawned; then gave her sister a reassuring smile.
Elsa smiled back at her sister, and soon the two of them were fast asleep, each hoping with all her heart that this Christmas would be different. A good different, as Anna would say, Elsa's sleepy thoughts told her.
A/N: There SHOULD be only one or two chapters left until we get to the coronation.:) (I'm guessing; I'm not positive)
Next chapter coming (hopefully very) soon!:)
P.S. If anyone could, I would be SUPER SUPER happy if you guys could review 'Adventures of Elsa and Anna', lol.:P (No, I will not abandon it-I'm getting fairly close to the end now, and I have a sequel planned.:)) So I guess um...I shan't be a pest anymore, but anyways.:P :)