A/N: Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or is reading but not reviewing!:)
NrDg-Thank you:) I didn't Elsa would be any too comfortable talking to people, even forgetting about her powers...I mean, she's been isolated in her room since she was a little kid, so yeah...:P Yay, my Let It Go sequence was good!:)
punky32-Thank you:)
artsoccer-Well yeah, but I don't think Elsa knew she did that until after Anna told her.:P
Lindstrom-I agree!:) Elsa does have a lot more 'stuff' to work out for herself after the movie is over...I agree. I mean, I don't think 13 years is just going to disappear just like that. (And I don't think Elsa is going to suddenly love socializing with a bunch of people like Anna does, either, lol. Then again, I don't love being a socialite all the time either, and I know lots of people don't too. So that could just be Elsa's personality anyways, even if she is completely happy.:))
CieloFede-It's like listening to Elsa's personal thoughts that she wouldn't ordinarily share with anyone.:P
bananas-rule-2015-Thank you!:) I like writing about Elsa, even if she is hard to capture on paper (virtual paper?) sometimes.:)
WarriorQueen 14-Thanks for still reading!:) Thank you...I like writing Elsa's character, but she can be hard to write sometimes, lol. Oh, then you'll like this chapter, 'cause FTFTIF Reprise is in it.;)
Frozen789-Cool, thanks for the compliment!:)
dmcreif-I don't think Elsa would have approved of Hans anyway; hence why she pegged him as a troublemaker.:P Thanks! I always figured that HAD to be what Elsa was going to do; why else would she want to talk to Anna alone and be all nervous about doing so? I'm glad you and others liked the way I wrote the Let It Go scene, 'cause it was kinda hard.:/ :) Yep, this chapter will explain what Elsa was doing until Anna showed up, and cover the FTFTIF Reprise scene. (Yeah, the A/N comment is a hint for what's going to happen in the 'Adventures of Elsa & Anna' sequel, since everything is on the same timeline in my head.:))
Fatten Saad-Yep! Elsa's herself now!:) Just...she still has other things that have to happen for her to get her REAL happy ending.;) Hans is a total creep; I really, really don't like him, lol.:P
olaf99-Thank you!:) Okay, I promise I will write a 'what if?' story eventually.;) (I do have an idea!) But it's going to be a while because I'd like to finish Secret Passages, Adventures of Elsa & Anna, and the sequel before I do anything else. I WILL do it eventually though!:) P.S. I can understand what you wrote, so no worries.;)
princessdianaofparadiseisland-Thanks;) Lol, of course she did-she's Elsa!:)
On to the story!:)
Elsa was still high on adrenaline for awhile after, despite the fact she hadn't slept in…what was it? Nearly forty-eight hours already? Elsa wasn't sure exactly, just that she hadn't slept at all the night before the coronation, and she had spent this past night running up the North Mountain and building her ice palace. My home. Elsa felt as if she were floating down the staircase as she went down to the first floor of her creation. I don't remember making the two staircases, but they sure are pretty…and I know I've drawn them before off my dream building. Hmm, needs something a bit more… Elsa flicked her hand, and a delicate ice fountain appeared in the center between the two staircases. Much better. It feels…nice to be able to use my powers purposely because I want to and not just because I lost control. I should have done that ages ago when I was little. I'm a person too. My parents should have accepted me the way I am. What happened was not fair. This is me, she thought, gazing around at her new home. I made something pretty. A defective freak wouldn't have made this. I am not defective. I don't need to be 'cured' of anything. And my powers are not a disability!
"I'm just different, and there's nothing wrong with that," Elsa said aloud, holding her signature snowflake in her hand. And I'm really, really hungry. And thirsty. She made a small icicle and began eating it, not caring in the least how silly she might have looked eating an icicle.
Elsa floated back upstairs into the main room with the snowflake etched in the floor. She discovered a door opposite from the balcony and pushed it open. Empty. I don't remember making this room either. Well, this is my bedroom now. After a minute, she realized she had just recreated her old room she'd shared with Anna when they were little. I…miss Anna. This place is completely, utterly perfect otherwise. With a sad little smile, Elsa made an ice sculpture that looked exactly like her little sister. There. Ice-Anna will be my companion now. "Hi, Anna…I wish I'd had the chance to tell you about the real me. But I didn't. I guess it's for the best, isn't it? You would have told me to stay, and I think it was best for everyone that I left." Elsa knew deep in her heart that her sister would not have hated her or abandoned her. After all, she had heard Anna calling her name as she fled across the fjord. And looking back now, Anna just sounded worried. She didn't hate me. I don't know what Anna would have thought if I told her I hurt her though… "Anna, I'm sorry I hurt you when we were little. It was an accident…truly. Would you have hated me if I told you that? I don't know… I know you'll do a great job for Arendelle in my place. Better than I would have done. I don't belong there. You do."
"At least I have a place of my own now. I'm somewhere I actually belong. I'm home. I'm free. I won't hurt you or anyone else or anything here. And I can actually be me. I'll never forget you, Anna. I still love you." Elsa ignored the tears that trickled down her cheeks and pretended they didn't exist. Goodbye, real-life Anna. I'm still alone, but I'm free. Now pure exhaustion hit her like a brick, and Elsa curled up on the snowy bed she had made and immediately fell asleep.
Seven-year-old Elsa stood in confusion outside the ice palace, holding four-year-old Anna's hand. Just then, Elsa's grown-up self floated out onto the icy staircase, her sparkling blue ice-dress catching the sunlight.
"Are you me?" little Elsa asked, puzzled. "Why are you here all by yourself? This place…it's amazing…but somethin's missing…"
Grown-up Elsa's happy smile faded. "You're too naïve, little girl. There's nothing missing here. This is where I'm supposed to be. Alone but free. Go take Anna home. And spend lots of time with her. You have one more year before everything falls apart. One year." Elsa turned away, tears shining in her blue eyes.
"What does that mean?! Can I stay here with you? Where's grown-up Anna?!" Little Elsa was so puzzled.
Four-year-old Anna ran up the staircase. "Don' cry, grown-up Elsa! Anna love 'ou!"
Little Elsa dashed after her. "Grown-up me doesn't want to be…touched for some reason. Don't bother her." She turned to her grown-up self. "I know what's missing here. You left Anna from your age. You should have brought her with you."
"I COULDN'T! You're innocent, and I won't ruin that. Take your sister and go home! You'll be fine there for another year. Please…just go…" Elsa's present-day self backed away into her icy home.
"What will happen then?"
"You don't want to know," grown-up Elsa said firmly.
"Yes, I do! It's my future! I have a right to know!" little Elsa shouted, clutching four-year-old Anna close. Why was her grown-up self so jumpy and scared? And where was Anna in the future?
Grown-up Elsa's blue eyes flashed. "Fine, I'll tell you. You lose control of your powers. You hit Anna and nearly kill her. You stay locked in your room with absolutely NO contact with your sister for years on end! You're defective. You end up wearing gloves all the time. Your parents chain you in the dungeon! Your parents die when you're eighteen, and you knew there was a storm coming and you didn't warn them! You throw icicles all over the ballroom at your coronation and everybody hates you! You run up here and make this your new home…and then you're finally free." Elsa's anger dissipated when she saw her younger self's reaction.
"YOU'RE LYING!" little Elsa screeched. "That HAS to be a lie! I love Anna! I wouldn't hurt her! And I know my parents don't really like me the way I am, but they wouldn't put me in the dungeon! That's not my future! It isn't; it isn't! And if it is, that's not fair! There's nothing wrong with me! I am not defective!"
"I'm not lying. And no, it isn't fair. You're right…you are not defective. You're just different. Don't forget that. Take little Anna and cherish the one safe year you have left. Just please…please go." Elsa's eyes filled with tears, and she retreated into her home and shut the door. I'm alone, but I'm alone and free, she thought. That's better than the last thirteen years have been. I'm alone but free now.
Little Elsa hugged her sister close and just collapsed on the icy staircase. "I don't wanna lose you," she whispered tearfully. "I love that ice palace grown-up me made, but I want to keep you, too!"
"Maybe you will! Maybe th' grown-up you we saw just hasn't got her happy endin' yet!" Anna exclaimed as she hugged her sister back.
"Fairy tales aren't real," little Elsa replied.
"Fairy tales aren't real," grown-up Elsa repeated from behind the door. "And this is my happy ending! It isn't perfect, but it's better than nothing! You two go home!"
"Can't we come in?" Anna begged.
"No. Go home! This is my home! My fortress! You two don't belong here, especially you, Anna. And you, little Elsa…come back when you're twenty-one and you'll be me. Until then, go away! Go away, go away, go away!" Elsa sounded completely hysterical. Why did her younger, innocent, naïve self have to terrorize her by coming here? She made this place so she could be free! Free to be herself and free from her past.
There was a bright flash, and Elsa somehow knew the two little girls outside were gone. She sighed in relief before wishing she had just let the little girls in. She could have just stayed on the other side of the room or something. Or let the little girls explore her ice palace downstairs while she retreated upstairs. That wouldn't have hurt anything. But no, she just made her younger self cry by informing her of what was going to happen to her instead.
Elsa ran up the staircase and leaned out over her balcony as she angrily threw icicles down into the chasm below.
Elsa woke up with tears streaking her cheeks. That wasn't a scary nightmare. It was just…sad. And I say NO MORE CRYING, Elsa! I am free here. Alone but free. "Alone but free," Elsa repeated aloud as she headed out onto her balcony. She ran her hand along the railing, loving the fact that she was actually touching something without her gloves on, even if it was just ice. She glanced at the sky, trying to judge what time it was. Around five or six PM, I think. Elsa sorely wished she had brought some food with her. Now that the euphoria of building her ice palace had worn off, she was starving. What on earth was she supposed to eat way out here in the middle of nowhere? A very beautiful nowhere, but nowhere all the same. Elsa knew she could easily learn to hunt for food and catch herself something to eat, but the thought of killing something with her powers, even for survival purposes, made her shudder.
Elsa decided she would wait until she couldn't stand it any longer to even remotely consider trying to hunt. She could probably last a long while just eating snow, right? And even if the natural snow on the summit melted-which it wouldn't, since it was there all year long-she had an endless supply of snow. She would never run out of that.
Elsa ran down the staircase leading up to her ice palace, wanting to see what it looked like from the outside. She gasped in delight as she gazed up at all the sparkling spires of her creation. It really was breathtaking. I love this place! It's all mine, and I made it, she thought happily. Elsa slipped off her icy shoes, wanting to feel the snow against her bare feet. Walking over to the lip of the crevasse, Elsa plopped down in the snow and dangled her bare feet over the edge. Now why am I doing this? I might fall, she thought logically. Then, I'm not going to fall. I know I won't. This mountain is my safe haven. I'm safe here. Elsa had no idea why she was doing something so stupid as to fool around at the top of a crevasse like that, but right now, she didn't care.
Instead of getting up and moving away from her precarious spot, Elsa flopped down on her tummy and began tossing snowballs into the chasm, trying to hear them when they landed. (She couldn't.) I have all the time in the world. Maybe I'll start staying up all night and sleeping during the day, just because. Nah, I don't want to do that…I don't have any light in my ice palace. Elsa hopped to her feet as an idea popped into her head. She could make an icy blue glow with her powers. Maybe if she could make the glow stay when she wasn't holding it, she could make her own lamps! That would be awesome. Elsa bit her lip in concentration, making the shimmering blue glow between her palms. The second she tried to let go of it, it simply disappeared. Elsa made a face. I can make a whole entire palace and I can't make a light. Dumb. I'm going to try again. Elsa tried over and over, but it simply didn't work. She could make the glow last indefinitely as long as she was holding it, but if she wasn't directly having contact with it, it would vanish. Oh well. I guess I'm just not meant to do that. That's okay!
Elsa sauntered back into her ice palace after it grew dark. She didn't know what sort of wild animals might come way up here, if any, but she didn't want to find out. I'll be safe inside my ice palace, though. As Elsa flopped down on her snowy bed upstairs, it came to her that she was thousands of feet above sea level. The air has to be really thin up here…I wonder why I'm not affected by that, can't even particularly tell. That's actually pretty cool. I can go up to a high mountain summit without feeling ill at all. Elsa smiled and turned over, quickly falling asleep.
Early the next morning, Anna and her new traveling companion turned to look back at the now-frozen kingdom. "Arendelle…" Anna said softly, biting her lip a bit. I bet Elsa doesn't even know she did that. I'm sure she can fix it, though.
"It's completely frozen," Kristoff put in.
"It'll be fine. Elsa will thaw it," Anna replied confidently. If Elsa made all that, then I'm sure she can undo it, right?
"Will she?"
"…Yeah. Now come on. This way to the North Mountain?" Anna asked, pointing straight ahead.
Kristoff chuckled. "More like this way," he said, pointing Anna's hand up at the mountain.
Elsa ran all the way there this fast?! Then again, she IS immune to cold and stuff…maybe the weather actually helps her traveling speed or something, I don't know. "How long does it take to get there?" Anna asked.
"You crashed the sled. So it's going to take a while. Also you were way, way off course to get to the North Mountain before."
Anna huffed. "I said I was going to replace it! It's not my fault a bunch of wolves started chasing us! And ok, I don't have a super awesome sense of direction. Sor-ry."
"You still crashed it."
"Okay."
"I know where we are now!" Anna announced a few minutes later. "I went swimming in that pool with Elsa when I was little!" I must have gotten WAY off track when I stopped at Oaken's…we should have gotten here long time ago. I think. My sense of direction must be kinda yucky. Blah. Oh well. She pointed at the frozen pool with the waterfall. Anna also noticed that for some reason, this particular area was absolutely beautiful and sparkly. Elsa must have been a little bit happy when she went through here. This isn't all spiky and scary-looking like those icicles she threw in the ballroom and the frozen fountain. "I never knew winter could be so beautiful," she said, pushing aside frozen willows, listening to the ice tinkle.
Suddenly Anna heard a voice seeming to come out of nowhere. What in the world is that?!
"Yeah…it really is beautiful, isn't it? But it's so white! How about a little color? Maybe some crimson…chartreuse…how about yellow? No, not yellow…yellow and snow? Brrr! No go!" A goofy little snowman came waddling from behind the trees, stopping between Anna and Kristoff and Sven. "Am I right?" he asked Anna.
Anna reacted on impulse. "AAAHHHH!" she screamed and kicked the little snowman's head, which flew off and landed in Kristoff's arms. Live snowman?!
"Hi!" the snowman-head said cheerfully.
"You're creepy," Kristoff told the head; then tossed it back at Anna.
The two began throwing the head back and forth.
"I don't want it!" Anna exclaimed.
"Backatcha!"
"Don't!"
"Come on, it's just a head!"
"No!"
"All right, all right we got off to a bad start-" That was the snowman.
Anna caught sight of something and, "Ew, ew, the body!" She slammed the snowman's head back onto his body, but upside down.
"Wait, what am I looking at right now? Why are you hanging off the earth like a bat?" the snowman asked in confusion.
Now that Anna had gotten a good look at the little snowman, he seemed a little familiar somehow. He looks like the ones Elsa and I made when we were little…except those didn't talk. "Wait one second…" She flipped the snowman's head back to right side up.
After more silly banter involving a carrot nose and the little snowman (whose name was Olaf) thinking both Kristoff and Sven were named 'Sven', Anna and her small entourage of Kristoff, Sven, and now Olaf continued on their way with Olaf in the lead since he knew where Elsa was.
Elsa walked down the mountain, hoping she might be able to find some berries or something to eat at a lower altitude. Nothing grew up on the summit of the North Mountain. The one good thing about that was that if there was nothing growing on the summit, then there was nothing to eat for wild animals either, so there wouldn't be anything attacking her ice palace or trying to get in. Elsa had left her shoes back at her ice palace, thinking high heels were no good for walking around on a mountain. The ground was all covered with snow, so she wasn't worried about stepping on something in her bare feet.
Elsa suddenly heard a wolf howling and she took off at a run back in the direction she had come from. Okay, I didn't find anything to eat, but I don't want to be wolf food either. She glanced behind her to see at least four big gray furry shapes that had evidently not spotted her yet. Not looking where she was going, she tripped and landed face-first in the snow. Great job, Elsa. You'd better get out of here because they definitely know you're here now. Elsa jumped to her feet and kept running. She could hear the wolves behind her, and she blindly threw icicles in that direction, not wanting to see where her shots might have landed. Home, Elsa…just gotta get home. Elsa needn't have worried about looking behind her; she hadn't hit any of the wolves, although they did lose interest in her and give up the chase.
Elsa finally slowed her pace when she came into view of her ice palace. She paused with her hands on her knees, panting. Good grief. I need to find out some way to get something to eat, but I can't even go looking for berries safely…and I might very well end up finding poisonous ones and eating them. It wasn't like Elsa had a ton of experience foraging for food in the wilderness. She had zero experience. Even when she was little and had gone camping with Anna and her parents, they had just eaten food brought from the castle, not anything else. She knew she could recognize some berries as poisonous from a book she had read, but certainly not many. Elsa didn't even have much of an idea what plants and berries were okay to eat, just that a few specific ones were not.
Yes, you can go look for food safely, Elsa. You know you can defend yourself easily enough. Elsa frowned at that thought. "Maybe, but I don't want to kill anything," she said aloud a moment later.
Elsa slipped her shoes that she'd left on the staircase back on and floated back upstairs and out onto her icy balcony.
Elsa was still just gazing absently into the distance a long while later when she felt rather than heard a knock on her door from downstairs. She figuratively froze, wondering who on earth would be disturbing her home way up here in the middle of nowhere.
"Elsa? It's me, Anna," Elsa thought she heard Anna say. Anna?! How did she find me? Why did she come after me?! Anna…my little sister is going to see my ice palace! She's going to see what I made! Elsa smiled and ran down to the top of the double staircase, pausing as she stood a bit in the shadows. Sure enough, there was Anna at the bottom of the staircase. "Anna…" she said softly. She wished she could give her sister a hug, but she couldn't. I'm still not safe for her to be around. Anna doesn't belong here with me.
Anna looked toward Elsa in surprise. Is Elsa wearing a dress made of…ice?! Elsa looks really pretty. She looks so much happier than before, too. "Elsa! You look…different. It's a good different…And this place…it's amazing…" I can't believe Elsa was locked away for this. I'd love to be able to make something like this place! And Elsa was calling herself defective and whatever else because she could do this?! That doesn't make any sense…
Elsa smiled as she held out her hands and looked around her icy home. "Thank you. I never knew what I was capable of," she replied. Anna actually likes what I made! I mean, I know my ice palace is pretty…I love it, but still…ANNA LIKES WHAT I MADE!
Of course she never knew what she was capable of, locked in her room like she was, Anna thought. That was double unfair to her…Mom and Dad scared her half to death and locked her in the dungeon and whatever else…Elsa was already trying to make them happy and it just didn't work…and now I know why she was so cold those few times I was with her. She has super awesome ice powers! Why didn't she just tell me? "I'm so sorry about what happened. If I'd known-"
Elsa's smile disappeared as Anna started to climb the stairs after her. "No, it's okay," she interrupted. "You don't have to apologize…but you should probably go…please…" Elsa looked down at her hands sadly as she clasped them together on the railing. Anna shouldn't stay here. She should go home before I hurt her again…
"But I just got here," Anna replied in confusion. She knew Elsa was happy to see her-she'd clearly looked happy less than a minute ago. And now she was upset and telling Anna to leave.
Elsa backed up further. "You belong down in Arendelle," she said quietly. Unlike me. This is where I belong, Anna. Go home and be the best ruler Arendelle has ever seen. Please.
"So do you!" Anna said, going up another step.
Elsa held one hand close to her chest as she backed away more. "No, Anna, I belong here. Alone. Where I can be who I am…without hurting anybody." Especially you, Anna. I don't want to hurt you again. Please just leave. I can't go back to Arendelle. I don't belong there. She put both hands on the railing again, her wistful expression betraying the fact that yes, she did want Anna there. And a tiny part of her did want to go back to her old home. Elsa didn't mind being alone all that much, but she missed Anna terribly-even if it was just talking through her door-and Elsa had to admit to herself that she would probably die in the mountains eventually. There was nothing to eat and she was sure she didn't have the guts to go hunting.
But mostly she just wanted Anna back. Like when they were little. That's impossible, Elsa. This is your home now. Live with it.
Anna suddenly remembered the other thing she needed to tell Elsa. Arendelle being frozen was going to hurt people. "Actually, about that…" she started.
"…58, 59, 60!" Olaf exclaimed.
Elsa stared in surprise. Had she made a talking snowman?! "Wait. What is that?!" she asked.
"Hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!" the little snowman exclaimed, waving at Elsa.
"Olaf?" Elsa asked in surprise. Anna made Olafs with me when I was little…we built snowmen all the time…
"You built me," Olaf replied shyly. "Remember that?"
Elsa was completely astonished. "And you're alive?" I…made Olaf come to life?! I can make sentient snowmen?! Elsa looked down at her hands in wonder.
Olaf looked down at his little twig arms. "Um…I think so?"
Anna knelt beside Olaf. "He's just like the ones we built as kids. We were so close…we can be like that again," she said hopefully.
Elsa smiled for a moment, but then she suddenly flashbacked to just what had started all the trouble in the first place. "Catch me!" "Wait, slow down!" …dead silience… Eight-year-old Elsa gasped out her sister's name and hugged an unconscious five-year-old Anna close. … … I hurt her! Elsa's mind screamed. I can't do that again…I can't… Elsa's expression contorted in pain as she finally replied, "No, we can't." I want to, Anna, I really do. But I can't…I'm still dangerous. She turned and headed up the stairs. I can't spend any more time with Anna, but I can at least tell her goodbye this time. "Goodbye, Anna."
"Elsa, wait!" Anna didn't understand why Elsa couldn't come home now that her secret was out. She was sure Elsa could just unfreeze everything and then they'd all live happily ever after. Simple!
"I'm just trying to protect you!" Elsa called back. I can't deal with this again. Anna, please go. Just leave me alone. You don't have to bother with me anymore. I know you don't hate me, and that's enough for me. I don't deserve to even have that. I hurt you!
"You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! Please don't shut me out again!"
Elsa peeked over her shoulder for a moment, but she kept retreating up the stairs. Anna doesn't know what I did. She should just leave. I'll be fine here.
Anna started singing now. "Please don't slam the door. You don't have to keep your distance anymore…'Cause for the first time in forever, I finally understand… For the first time in forever, we can fix this hand in hand! We can head down this mountain together-you don't have to live in fear! 'Cause for the first time in forever…I will be right here." And I will, Elsa. You don't have to be scared anymore.
Now in the main room with the snowflake pattern etched in the floor, Elsa turned back to face her sister. "Anna…please go back home. Your life awaits! Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates," she sang her reply, hoping since Anna was in a singing mood, then she might be more likely to listen to Elsa if she replied the same way. You've been wanting to open up the gates for ages. Without me there, you can. Go live your life without me and be happy. Please…
"Yeah, but-"
Elsa held her hands up, gesturing for Anna to be quiet. "I know-you mean well…but leave me be…" She strode out onto her balcony and smiled a little as she continued, "Yes I'm alone, but I'm alone and free." It's not perfect, but it's better than before. Anna should just leave me alone and move on. Elsa turned and headed back inside, her expression growing upset and sad again. "Just stay away and you'll be safe from me…" At least Anna can just live a normal life without me. I'll stay here by myself. I won't bother anyone, and I can still be me.
"Actually we're not…" Anna regretted saying that the instant after she said it, but it was too late.
"What do you mean you're not?" Elsa asked, dreading what answer she might get. What did I do? Did I freeze someone when I left? Did someone fall on my ice and get hurt on the castle steps?
"I get the feeling you don't know!" Elsa has no idea she froze everything. I know she doesn't…
Elsa whipped her cape behind her, wanting Anna to just spit it out and stop holding her in suspense. "What do I not know?" Just tell me. What did I do?!
"Arendelle's in deep, deep, deep, deep…snow…" Anna winced a bit at her statement, hoping Elsa wouldn't completely freak out. Surely she could just unfreeze it and everything would be fine.
"What?!" Elsa gasped in horror. For all the ideas that were running through her mind, the possibility that she had made it snow all over the whole kingdom hadn't occurred to her. She hadn't even known her powers were strong enough to do such a thing, let alone without her even knowing it.
"You kind of set off an eternal winter…everywhere…" Elsa, you can fix it. Don't freak out. You can do anything!
"Everywhere?!" What have I done? And I have no idea how to thaw anything, let alone something of that magnitude…I froze all of Arendelle without even knowing it?! Snowflakes began falling around Elsa, but she didn't even notice. What am I supposed to do?!
"It's ok! You can just unfreeze it!" Anna said cheerfully.
"No, I can't! I-I-I don't know how!" Elsa held her clasped hands out helplessly. What am I supposed to do?! I can't fix what I did. I didn't even know I did it! I've ruined everything again, and I'm not even there. Elsa, you aren't free. How could you think someone like you could ever be free? You're just stupid. Really, really stupid.
"Sure you can! I know you can!"
Snow began swirling around the room, showing Elsa's stormy feelings. She had tried to fix things by leaving herself, but it didn't work. Even miles and miles away, she was still causing trouble. I failed again. "I'm such a fool; I can't be free!" Elsa couldn't even really register her sister trying to get to her troubled mind, still trying to convince her that everything would be fine. She knew Anna was there, but that was it. I've ruined a whole entire kingdom this time. I'm never going to be free…I can't fix what I did…I'm useless for everything except messing things up or destroying them!
You made your ice palace. That wasn't destructive, the logical bit of her thoughts reminded her. That was-and is!-pretty.
STUPID. That's ridiculous and selfish, Elsa! You think you deserve to be happy, even by yourself? Well, you don't. You're a defective freak, Elsa's nasty thoughts insisted. You ruin things. You froze Arendelle. You hurt Anna! "No escape from the storm inside of me!" Elsa hated her emotions; they were causing trouble again. They never did anything good for her. They made her spin out of control.
Elsa's safe haven was filled with the physical manifestations of her internal storm. That storm was invading her special happy place. She couldn't get rid of it. The more she tried, the more the snow just whirled and blew around stronger and faster. Control it, Elsa! Conceal! Don't feel! "I can't control the curse!" she exclaimed, panicking further. Why wouldn't it go away? Elsa wanted it to stop, leave her alone. She was starting to feel dizzy and numb all over.
Now Anna's voice cut into her thoughts. "We'll reverse the storm you've made!"
You can't! I can't! We can't! It's hopeless! I'm stuck this way. I can't fix anything I've done! "Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!" Elsa realized she was probably going to literally explode like she had done a few years before on Christmas Day if this went on much longer. Anna needed to get out of there. Elsa had no idea what that sort of explosion would do to her or her surroundings now, since she was so much stronger than a few years before. Anna, get out of here! Get out! Please!
Elsa turned and stared at her distorted reflection in the icy wall. That dumb girl looks terrified. And stupid. Dumb ice-dress. Why did I make that? I shouldn't have done that. Announcing what I am. I don't want to be me. I'm still that scared girl locked in her room. Just this time she's locked in her mind than actually physically. Locked from ever having a normal life because she's a defective freak. Locked from the rest of the world in an ice palace because she's dangerous. "There's so much fear!" The sickening sensation that she was about to explode was just getting worse and Elsa snapped back to her senses. "You're not safe here!" Why couldn't Anna see that there was snow viciously swirling around, and probably only around Elsa? Why wouldn't Anna leave?
Go back to Arendelle and face what you did, Elsa. Anna wants you to come back anyway. "No!" Elsa had no idea what she was going to do, but she was not going back to Arendelle. She'd probably just make everything worse. And she was sure nobody wanted her there anyway. I can't fix anything. I hurt Anna. I want her back, but I can't. I froze Arendelle. I can't be free. I can't control this. I can't make everything all right with Anna again. I can't even touch her or give her a hug. I can't be a proper sister to her. I can't do anything right!
Get rid of this storm in here before you hurt Anna again. Make it stop! Make it stop!
"Catch me!" "Wait, slow down!" …dead silence…
"Just until the storm is over." Seventeen-year-old Elsa turned away from her father and gazed out the dungeon window, her chains rattling behind her.
I'm useless for anything and everything besides hurting the people I care about. I should just relieve everyone of the trouble and leave myself. Eighteen-year-old Elsa pressed a sharp shard of ice against her wrist.
"It's messed up to shut yourself away all the time! And you don't know what this has been like for me!" Anna exclaimed angrily.
Elsa's mind flitted from one horrible memory to another. Make it stop! Make it stop! I can't deal with this anymore! And get rid of that storm! I can't! Make it stop...I can't. MAKE. IT. STOP! I can't! MAKE IT STOP, ELSA! With all her willpower, Elsa forced the storm to retreat back inside her, trying to conceal it, make it stay in, not to explode, not to remember anything else, not to flashback to some other nasty memory from the past. It hurts…storm has to go out…it hurts…make it go away! Go away!
Finally the painful pressure of the ice and snow building up inside Elsa was too much for her to handle. No Elsa, don't explode! Think of Anna! Don't explode ice out everyw-
Elsa couldn't keep it in any longer no matter how hard she tried. "I CAN'T!" she screamed. Ice exploded out of her in all directions as a searing pain wracked her body all over. It hurts! Why did my own powers do that to me? Make it stop! Make it stop…please…wait…Anna… Elsa's own pain was forgotten at the thought she might have hurt or killed her sister. That ice had exploded all over. Unless Anna had dropped flat on the floor fast enough, Elsa had to have hit her no matter where she had been standing. Anna, please be okay. Please. I can deal with me getting hurt, but not you.
Elsa gasped, her heart racing, as she saw her sister kneeling on the floor; then felt a bit relieved when Anna told her she was fine. She looks fine…maybe I didn't hit her. Anna would be unconscious or worse if I hit her, right? Elsa suddenly realized there was another person in the room now, a man. And not that Prince Hans. She drew back against the wall. "Who's this?" Elsa asked in confusion. "Wait, i-it doesn't matter. You have to go." Get out of here, Anna. Before I really do hit you. I'm completely out of control; I can't do anything about it.
"No! I know we can figure this out. Together!" Anna was determined not to leave Elsa behind, even though she had indeed hit Anna. Elsa needed help. A lot of help. I can't leave Elsa here by herself like that! She's apt to start getting those icky thoughts again. And with no one here to stop her, she might actually do it this time. Anna was actually more concerned for her sister than anything else now. Elsa completely lost it. I don't think she even heard anything I was saying…
"How? What power do you have to stop this winter? To stop me?" Elsa asked desperately, clasping her hands together against her chest. You can't help me, Anna. Nobody can. I'm a lost cause. Threatening-looking icy spikes began spreading on the walls, turning Elsa's beautiful palace into something far less inviting.
"Anna, I think we should go," the blond man said.
Yes! Take Anna and get out of here! Elsa thought.
"No! I'm not leaving without you, Elsa!" Anna insisted. You just need someone to talk to and calm you down, Elsa. I'll be your friend. You don't have to stay here by yourself.
Elsa suddenly knew what to do. She had made Olaf; she could make another sentient snowman. With a firm but regretful tone to her voice, the Snow Queen gave her order. "Yes. You are." Elsa threw her hands out, willing into existence another snow creature, but this one was much larger and more menacing-looking. Anna, please don't hate me. I know I deserve it, but I still love you. I'm just too scared to try to fix anything. I'll only make everything worse. She knew her snow creature would do what she wanted: simply deposit Anna and whoever her companion was outside. What she did not know was that because she was so jumpy and frightened when she'd made him, the snow creature could be easily provoked into being doubly protective of Elsa and her ice palace.
Elsa withdrew into her icy bedroom and let herself cry. There was nothing she could do to fix the mess she had made. A kingdom-sized mess. I was so naïve and stupid to think I'd be free here just because I was miles away from everything. I'm never going to be anything except that scared and defective little girl I was a dozen years ago. The only difference is that I'm a lot more dangerous now. I wish I didn't exist. All I've done my whole life is cause trouble. Even when I was little before the accident, my parents didn't really want me. "They wanted a normal little girl, like Anna," Elsa whispered bitterly. "I didn't understand why then, but I do now. They should have just gotten rid of me when I was a baby. Then Anna would have been Crown Princess of Arendelle and nobody would have been the wiser…"
Elsa jumped to her feet and ran over to her ice sculpture of Anna standing in the room. She knew it was silly and probably completely insane if someone had been watching her, but she didn't care. Elsa hugged Ice-Anna tightly and sobbed. I love you, Anna. I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I can't fix anything. I don't even have this place as a refuge anymore. I can't escape from myself, after all, and that's what I need.
There is one thing you could do, a morbid thought told her. You could just leave yourself, you know. Nobody would care. You froze the country.
"No!" Elsa shouted firmly. She hurled that ice shard that had appeared in her hand away from her. "I will not do that! I promised Anna I wouldn't! That's one promise I can keep!" Besides, if I did do that, Arendelle would be permanently frozen with no way out. I'm the only one that can thaw it…it's just that I can't because I don't know how. My death would not fix Arendelle. I know it wouldn't. Elsa tried her best to banish those thoughts away. She would not just give up. I ruined practically everything else in existence, but I will not break my promise to Anna. I won't.
Elsa forced herself to stop crying, realizing she could very well be unleashing more winter weather down in Arendelle and not even know it. She paced back and forth in the main room with the snowflake-etched floor for hours, not knowing what else to do. "Get it together. Control it! Don't feel, don't feel," she muttered to herself, wishing the eerie red walls of her castle would return to their original color. "Don't. Feel!" Icicles spread up the walls, seeming to point accusingly at her. Elsa felt very small all of a sudden, overwhelmed with everything. She had effectively done something by herself that a whole huge group of people wouldn't be able to do. I froze my whole entire kingdom. Wait, it isn't my kingdom. It's Anna's. I don't belong there.
Elsa glanced up at the walls as ice crackled around her, giving the room a sinister feel to it and unnerving Elsa even more than she already was. The one pretty thing I was able to make with my powers is ruined. Just like everything else I do. No longer were the walls those cheery, calming blue and purplish colors they had been. It was nighttime now, and it just accentuated the creepy feeling those reddish walls were giving her. Elsa felt like her own powers were taunting her, reminding her how utterly ridiculous and stupid it had been for her to feel free and happy for the first time in her life. This is all you'll ever be, Elsa. Scared of your own self and unleashing destruction on everything. A monster. Dangerous. Just like those red walls.
Elsa jumped when she heard a deep voice calling her name. Now what? She hesitantly peeked down the stairs and saw the big snow creature she had made. Elsa ran down the steps. She wasn't going to hurt a snow creature she had made herself.
"ELSA IS UPSET," Marshmallow rumbled. "MARSHMALLOW WILL HELP."
Elsa gave her snow creature a hug…or rather, she gave his leg a hug. His name is Marshmallow? Okay then. "You can't help, Marshmallow. I froze Arendelle and I can't fix it. But thank you anyway."
"FROZEN IS GOOD. NOT A PROBLEM."
Elsa gave Marshmallow a sad smile. Of course Marshmallow doesn't see a problem with that. He's perfectly at home with everything freezing cold. "It isn't good for normal people…"
Marshmallow carefully picked up Elsa in one of his huge icy hands (claws?) and stared closely at her. "ELSA IS NORMAL," he said firmly in that deep rumbling voice.
Elsa shook her head and burst into tears. "No I'm not. I'm just a…a…a defective freak. I ruined everything!" She had no idea why being held high in the air by Marshmallow didn't faze her in the least, but it didn't. It actually felt nice to be held, even if it was 'just' her live snow creature. I can't hurt him.
Marshmallow clumsily hugged Elsa close, cradling her as if she were a little girl instead of twenty-one. "ELSA IS NORMAL. HER NORMAL. NOT A FREAK. THERE IS NO NORMAL NORMAL."
I'm…my normal? I agree that there is no 'normal normal', but I still don't like my normal. I ruin everything… Elsa didn't know what to say, so she said nothing and just leaned her head against Marshmallow.
"ELSA SHOULD SLEEP. IT IS DARK AND LATE," Marshmallow rumbled, patting Elsa on the head.
Elsa smiled a bit. "Thank you, Marshmallow," she said softly.
"IS ELSA HAPPY NOW? MY JOB: KEEP ELSA SAFE AND HAPPY." Marshmallow carefully set Elsa back down on the floor.
"No, but I feel a tiny bit better," Elsa replied honestly. The only way I'm going to be happy is if I can fix everything, and I can't.
"MARSHMALLOW WILL GUARD OUTSIDE. PROTECT ELSA'S FORTRESS," Marshmallow told her.
Elsa nodded and headed back upstairs. "Thank you." I guess I'll try to go to sleep. I'll think more about how to fix this tomorrow. I'll fail, I know I will, but I definitely won't even be able to think if I don't sleep. She was pleased to notice that the dark red walls upstairs had faded to a worried pink, and the creepy-looking icicles were gone.
Elsa curled up on her snowy bed and managed to fall asleep.
A/N: Sorry Elsa didn't do anything super interesting in her ice palace before Anna showed up. I tried to keep it realistic...so yeah, Elsa just slept for a while (and had a sad dream), and tried to figure out where to get some food.;)
Please let me know if the FTFTIF Reprise scene made sense. I wanted to keep it mainly from Elsa's POV, but she's completely freaking out and somehow I really don't think she heard most of what Anna was singing.:/
I always thought Marshmallow wasn't really mean; he's just overly protective of Elsa and her ice palace. So...yeah.:)
Next chapter coming soon!:)