A/N: Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or is reading but not reviewing!:)
Lindstrom-I agree. Hans is a master at mind games, and Elsa shouldn't talk to him anymore. Yes, Olaf likes chocolate...lol. XD I figured Anna would probably forget something important like that, so...yeah.:P
jr74-Thank you!:) I'm glad you're looking forward to the sequel:)
Danazia Gray-Yes, insulting Anna makes Elsa mad.:P More mad than if someone insults Elsa herself...
AnnaElsahaters-Um, I don't get the point of your review at all. Sorry!:P
minerbuilder12-Lol:) Glad you're looking forward to the sequel.:)
FanGirl Jen-Glad you're looking forward to the sequel and this chapter, too:)
despicme95-I don't know how to 'explain' my story...sorry if it doesn't explain itself well enough.:)
princessdianaofparadiseisland-Thanks for the review, sis.:) Yes Hans is a pompous jerk. Elsa should have frozen more than just his feet.:P
Fatten Saad-Lol, Elsa SHOULD have frozen more than just Hans's feet.:P P.S. I don't think that really 'fits' with what I'm trying to do with this chapter, since I'm just trying to give Elsa the happy ending she deserves.:) BUT...I will make sure to include that in the sequel. It'll fit perfectly in that.;)
On to the story!:) {Um, THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER. There will be a short(er) 'epilogue' chapter after this, because it was going to be WAY too long otherwise. So, I'm sorry to anyone that was looking forward to reading the very end of 'Secret Passages.' I promise I'm not fibbing this time-the next chapter WILL be the last one! It's done, and I'll share it in a couple days.:)}
Elsa found her sister in the castle gardens easily-Anna was being noisy. Elsa watched as Anna chased Rapunzel around the gardens while Eugene sat on a bench looking amused. Taking a deep breath, Elsa closed her eyes, and an instant later, a large section of the gardens were covered in snow. I did it! And I didn't…make way more snow than I wanted to, either.
Anna abruptly stopped running and went over to Elsa. "It's so pretty, Elsa," she whispered in her sister's ear. "And don't be nervous-I know you aren't going to lose control. You're just gonna show us what you can do. And you look pretty in that ice-dress you made."
Elsa smiled and held out her hands; then dropped them back to her sides a moment later. What if I mess up? Actually…I know I won't. Anna is with me. "What should I do?" she asked quietly.
"How about we just start with a snowball fight?" Anna suggested. "That way you can either just make snowballs by hand or magic 'em into existence if you like. Whatever you're comfortable with." She gave Elsa an encouraging smile before adding, "Remember you did make that super amazing ice palace on the North Mountain."
"I did, didn't I?" Elsa's expression brightened. She suddenly knew exactly what she wanted to do. Elsa slowly walked to the center of the garden before painstakingly focusing on her hands as she created a miniature version of her ice palace. Running away to live there wasn't a good choice, but it's still my dream building. I made it to claim freedom…freedom to be me, but I wasn't free when I built that. I never could have been completely happy there without Anna. Pseudo-happiness, that's what that was. But I was happier in isolation free to be me than isolation locked in my room.
A bigger prison. In my mind, Elsa thought. That's all running off to the North Mountain did. But I still love that ice palace. It's the real version of something that depressed girl from before imagined in her dreams. Something she never thought could happen in 'miserable reality'. But it did. There's only one thing missing that would make that dream complete. Maybe, just maybe… Elsa gave her miniature ice palace a pensive look before running over to Anna.
"Will you come t-to the ice palace with me?" Elsa asked, her clasped hands betraying her nervousness that Anna would say no.
Anna hugged Elsa so tightly she was gasping for breath. "Of course I will! We could have a picnic up there and slide down those twisting staircase banisters and-"
Rapunzel tapped Eugene on the shoulder and nodded that they should go. "They need sister time," she mouthed. The two of them tiptoed away, leaving Elsa and Anna alone in the castle gardens.
"You'll really come?" Elsa whispered. Anna's really going to go up there with me!
"Of course! Why wouldn't I? Maybe you can give me a tour of your ice palace, too," Anna replied.
"My d-dream…complete," Elsa mumbled, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. If someone told sixteen-year-old me I would actually make that ice building from my dreams and I'd really get to play in it with Anna, I would NEVER have believed that person. Sixteen-year-old Elsa thought it was just an impossible childish fantasy…
"Dream? What dream, Elsa?" Anna asked in confusion. "Please don't cry…no wait, don't force yourself to not cry, I just mean I want you to be happy," she corrected, not wanting Elsa to think she had to lock all her feelings inside again.
Elsa pulled herself away from Anna and went to stand next to the miniature ice palace. "That" she pointed at her miniature creation "is something I c-could only dream of before…You just t-told me you'd go to my ice palace with me. You've accepted me f-for me. You can't understand how m-much the fact that you w-want to go to my dream building with m-me means to me. Or the fact th-that the ice palace even exists in the f-first place. It's something sixteen-year-old me c-could barely think up in h-her wildest dreams…it was something I tried t-to concentrate on so much…to escape horrid r-reality and go to this s-seemingly unfeasible happy place that c-could never truly exist…" Elsa's voice trailed off as Anna hugged her close. But it's real. It's really real. I'm not completely out of control-I mean, I still make mistakes, but I can actually fix them now. And Anna is right here, and she's hugging me.
"No, Elsa. It does exist. It has always existed, in a way. You imagined it years ago. I would have accepted you for you and wanted to go see your creation with you then, too. Just…neither of us knew what the other would be like, I guess. I knew you were upset and scared for some reason, but I had no idea why. And you were so…"
"Just say it. Messed up," Elsa muttered. It's not my powers that were 'messed up' about me; it was…my mind…I was so depressed I got suicidal for goodness sakes. That isn't me anymore. It's not; it's not. I have Anna with me. I am not messed up. I am fine. Whatever things I still have trouble with are going to go away. Anna will help me…I know she will.
"-so convinced you weren't worth caring about you never let yourself actually feel better inside and realize your goofy little sister still cared about you lots," Anna finished. "Elsa, you are not messed up. You NEVER were," she added firmly.
Maybe not now, but I was before. Elsa just stood still and didn't say anything.
"And oh, have I got the perfect-est idea! You have GOT to do a demonstration of your powers for our public! That would show everyone how awesome your powers can be, and I bet everyone would love it! You could do it later this afternoon, and we'll go up to your epic awesome ice palace tomorrow. How's that?"
Elsa chewed on a fingernail nervously. Anna has a point…if I could make something nice-like an ice skating rink!-maybe it would help my public image some. It's just…what if I completely mess up or something? "Maybe…" she answered finally.
"Awesome! I gotta go take care of some stuff, and I'll see you in the entrance hall in a couple hours, 'kay?" Without waiting for an answer, Anna gave Elsa another hug before running off to do who knows what.
Elsa stayed behind in the gardens, wondering just what Anna had gotten her to half-agree to. And who knew what Anna was doing, although Elsa was fairly certain she was probably going to run off and get a guard or someone to go get a sled for Kristoff with her. She turned back to her miniature ice palace and plopped down in the snow next to it. I am free. I am home. I thought the North Mountain was going to be my home where I'd finally be free, but it's not. This is my home. The castle of Arendelle with my baby sister who doesn't hate me and still loves me.
Thank you, Anna.
A few minutes later, Elsa hopped to her feet and headed back towards the castle. She saw two guards taking Hans down the main entrance steps-presumably to the ship that would take him back to the Southern Isles-and suddenly decided she wanted to say something to him. He's not making me all upset again. So there. Elsa marched right up in front of him and just said, "You took m-my father's quote out of c-context. I checked for myself." Then she flicked her cape behind her and strode inside the castle, ignoring the angry and incredulous look Hans was giving her.
I have said my piece.
A tiny bit of Elsa felt pleased when she heard Hans calling her awful names and then the unmistakable sound of a sharp slap. Elsa, that's mean. You stop feeling happy that creep is getting slapped, even if he does deserve it. Elsa shook her head and decided to just do her best to forget about Hans entirely. He was going back to the Southern Isles, and hopefully she would never have to see him again. Elsa nodded to herself and smiled, as if trying to convince herself that it was true. She paused in the entrance hall to ask Gerda, "Where did Anna go?"
"Your sister found out about your 'Official Ice Master and Deliverer' title for Kristoff, and she ran off to buy a sled, Queen Elsa," Gerda said. "And she said to tell you not to follow her."
Elsa's smile abruptly disappeared. "Is Anna…mad at m-me for something? What did I do?" Why else would Anna not want me to follow her? Hey, wait a minute…Anna has literally spent nearly every minute since she helped me thaw everything right by my side. I should let her go off and do whatever social butterflies like Anna like to do. Maybe Anna said not to follow her because she knew I wouldn't like being around a ton of people and she didn't want me to feel like I had to go along. Yeah. That's what it is. Elsa's expression brightened, and she just clasped her hands behind her back before saying, "Never mind…I d-don't think Anna would have spent s-so much time with me if she was mad."
"If you ask me, I think Princess Anna's request might have to do with two things: one, she didn't want you to feel obligated to come along; and two, I am quite certain she was going to see that ice harvester, Kristoff," Gerda told her.
Elsa giggled. "Anna's a stinker! Just…do you think Kristoff is s-safe for my sister to hang around w-with? I want her to have lots of f-friends outside the castle….s-since it's my fault she c-couldn't socialize with a-anyone for so long…but I d-don't want her hanging around w-with untrustworthy people…" her voice trailed off. Untrustworthy people like Prince Creep. I know Kristoff is nice, but does he really care about Anna herself or does he just like her title? My hunch tells me he's genuine, though…
"Miss Elsa, all those years were not your fault. You never did anything to deserve being locked in your room. Nothing," Gerda said firmly.
"Eight-year-old me hurt my sister!" Elsa exclaimed. That memory is never going to stop hurting me inside. And I hurt her again and she literally froze to death so, so recently…
"It was an accident, Queen Elsa of Arendelle!" Gerda replied, calling Elsa by her full title to catch her attention better. "An accident, nothing more. And about Kristoff, he must be genuine or he would not have brought the princess back to the castle and been willing to leave her behind. I don't think you need worry about him."
I know it was an accident, but… Elsa frowned a bit, but she didn't say anything more about it. "Thank you, Gerda," she said finally. "Do you think…a demonstration i-in the courtyard is a s-stupid idea?"
"A demonstration of your powers in the courtyard? I think that is a very good idea."
Elsa smiled. I'm going to do it. If Anna is with me, I know I can do it properly.
Elsa decided she would go practice in her room until Anna came back. If I can stay in control in that room that's all full of bad memories by myself, I can stay in control in the courtyard with Anna, right? With this logic, Elsa ran upstairs and down the hall into her room, shutting the door but not locking it. Now…what first?
Elsa smiled and stamped her foot, making a smooth sheet of ice spread all over the floor. She just stared in surprise that she had made exactly what she wanted on her first attempt. It just…happened! I made exactly what I wanted. No more, no less. Elsa laughed in delight and began skating back and forth as she decorated her room's walls with icy snowflakes. It's high time this place had something pretty I made in it instead of…of creepy icicles hanging off the ceiling and whatever else. "MY signature snowflake belongs in here!" she exclaimed a moment later. "I belong in here-to work and sleep! Not to live in here! Someone's bedroom is supposed to be a…a happy place of retreat! Not a prison! So there!" Elsa suddenly realized she was shouting, not stuttering, and not sure why she was saying those things in the first place.
Why am I shouting all those things? Who am I mad at? Wait a minute… Elsa decided she knew exactly who she was mad at.
Two people she still genuinely loved.
Two people she still felt a bit guilty about their deaths, even though deep inside she knew she wouldn't have been able to change the outcome.
Two people she still wished had been willing to love and accept her just like she was.
Elsa sat down at her desk and began writing as fast as she could.
A while later, Elsa sighed and grabbed the paper she had been writing on before tiptoeing out of her room to where that portrait of her parents hung. She slowly pulled the thin black curtain aside and just gazed at the picture for a minute. Why did I come here? This is silly. Why am I going to talk to a picture?
Because you know Anna would tell you to do this. It'll help. Help make me genuinely let certain things go. The right things this time, and the right way. Not by running away to the North Mountain. Elsa bit her lip and started reciting the words she had written on that paper, not even really looking at it. She knew exactly what she had written down.
"Dear Mom and Dad, this is twenty-one-year-old Elsa talking here, your oldest daughter, former Crown Princess Elsa of Arendelle. I'm sorry I could never be the perfect normal daughter you wanted, but that isn't me. I'm not normal. I never will be. But I can control what makes me abnormal and different now. Does that mean you'd…like me better n-now, or would you punish m-me for letting all of Arendelle f-find out about my powers?" Elsa paused in an effort to calm herself down, realizing she was starting to stutter again. Just finish your little speech, Elsa. You can do it.
"I don't know…Papa, the key t-to controlling it is just love, but I have t-to be happy at the same time. Why c-couldn't you have helped me instead of…of locking m-me away from the world? I loved Anna f-for so long, but it didn't help a-any. I was too t-terrified…I know Anna loved me too, but…I wouldn't l-let her get close enough to show me… It took Anna s-sacrificing herself for stupid m-me to show me how t-to control it. You didn't m-mean to, but you hurt m-me inside for ten years, a-and by then I felt I c-couldn't do anything but what I'd b-been taught.
"'Conceal, don't feel' is wrong. I know it is. I d-don't know if I'll ever be able t-to dump that mindset entirely, but I c-can't live like that anymore. Please f-forgive me…I know I am NOT p-perfect, and I've m-made horrible mistakes, but you messed up too. You messed me up inside. Locking a little g-girl in her room for a d-decade wasn't necessarily wrong c-considering the circumstances, but k-keeping that little girl from even t-talking to her little sister th-through the door was definitely wrong. I think I w-would have been at least m-mostly okay if I'd j-just had that. I'm so glad m-my sweet baby sister was the regular l-little girl you wanted, even if I n-never was. You should be p-proud of her. Did you know Anna s-saved Arendelle all on her own? And she h-helped fix me in the process.
"I wish you would h-have just held me and given eight-year-old m-me a hug. I wish you had t-told me everything would be f-fine eventually. I wish you'd t-told me you s-still cared about m-me even if I was m-messed up. I wish you'd assured me I w-was perfectly fine just the w-way I was. I wish you'd j-just…accepted me…a-and treated me like a n-normal girl…not l-like a…a…defective thing that's n-not quite human…something you dealt w-with only because I c-couldn't be gotten rid of. I am not defective! I'm d-different, and I'm abnormal, and a l-lot of other things, but I'm not defective. I want t-to say thank you f-for giving me credit for having the s-smarts to take c-care of Arendelle. I want to say thank y-you for not…disposing of m-me, even if you didn't approve of m-me. I'm grateful f-for those things.
"I will not be c-coming here again, so p-please listen up…I don't c-care what you thought of me-I s-still love you. The past is in the p-past. I'm going to try to l-let it go. I forgive you f-for everything. Absolutely everything. I hope y-you can forgive me f-for the bad things I d-did too. I promise I w-will do my absolute b-best to be a g-good monarch for Arendelle. I may n-not be the perfect daughter y-you wanted, but I'll still try t-to make you proud of m-me, at least as queen. And lastly…I'm sorry I s-sound funny when I talk n-now. I stutter a l-lot of the t-time when I try to talk, but I'm g-going to try to fix it. Your daughter, Elsa of Arendelle."
Elsa jumped when she felt someone's hand on her shoulder. Oh, it's just Anna. Good. Wait a minute… "Anna, how much of that d-did you hear?" she asked, turning her tear-streaked face to Anna.
"From when you said 'conceal, don't feel' was wrong. Which is true." Anna gently brushed Elsa's tears away and hugged her close. "I'm so proud of you!" I know it couldn't have been easy for Elsa to come say all that. But she did anyway.
Elsa couldn't remember the last time anyone had said they were proud of her. No one ever told her that. The best she ever got was 'That's good, but you need to try harder' or something else along those lines. Okay, she received 'Good job' on her lessons often when she was little. But no one ever told her they were proud of her. Anna said she was proud of me. Proud of me. Except…why? I don't even understand. Happy tears trickled down Elsa's cheeks, and she didn't try to wipe them away. She just hugged Anna back.
As if she were reading Elsa's mind, Anna said, "I'm proud of you for saying all that. I know it couldn't have been easy to get that all out, but you did. And guess what? I'll do all those things for you. I will give you lots of hugs. Everything IS fine. I will always care about you, but not 'even if you're messed up', because you aren't. I will always assure you you're perfectly fine just the way you are-'cause you are." Wait a minute…those are the same things Elsa said she would do for a young girl who was terminally ill or disabled or whatever a couple years ago. I knew those were things Elsa wished someone would do for her! She just outright said so. "And I will always accept you and treat you like a normal girl…although Elsa?"
"What?" Elsa asked softly. Anna literally just erased years of me hurting inside with what she said. She's giving me everything I wished for for so long…Anna, why are you doing that for me? I appreciate it so, so much, but…
"I think normal is overrated. Who decides what 'normal' is? I mean, EVERYONE is their own normal, so that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Anyhow, I'll always accept you as just plain Elsa, my super awesome and sweet big sister with the amazing ice powers. I think that's what you meant. Not 'normal girl', because there's no such thing. Like if you talked to every girl in Arendelle close to our ages, I think you would get a zillion definitions of 'normal' because everyone is different. Anyhow…yeah! I love you, Elsa. You should be proud of yourself for making that little speech thing." Anna pulled away from Elsa, but still held her hands. A moment later, Anna started giggling.
Elsa just looked puzzled. "What's so funny?" Anna just told me I'm my own normal…Marshmallow said that, too…
Anna released Elsa's hands and pointed at her sister's cheek. "I just noticed you have freckles on your face! Really light, almost invisible ones, but freckles all the same. I thought I was the only one with freckles…it's just funny, I don't know why…"
Elsa had known she had light freckles dusting her cheeks, but she hadn't particularly paid much attention to the fact. They were just there, the same way she had big blue eyes, platinum hair, and extremely fair skin. "Um, Anna? Why are my freckles funny?" she asked.
"They make you look younger or something, I dunno. But mostly it's just funny 'cause I have freckles too, so we kind of match. Except mine are way more obvious than yours," Anna said.
Great. So not only am I barely old enough to rule Arendelle in my own right anyway, I don't even look twenty-one? Oh well. If that's one of the bad things about me, I'm not going to worry about it. Elsa shrugged. "If the Snow Queen looks l-like she's about twelve, oh well," she quipped, giving Anna a lopsided smile. "So did you g-give Kristoff his sled?"
Anna started bouncing on her toes. "Yeah, and I kissed him, too!" she blurted. "Elsa, he's so nice! You know what else he told me? He said your ice was amazing and that I should be honored to be related to you. He loves ice…y'know since he's an ice harvester and stuff…Elsa? Elsa, did you hear me?"
"You kissed him?!" Elsa asked, her face turning bright red, thinking she couldn't believe she was talking about the subject of kissing with her sister.
"Yeah! It was nice, but kind of weird. Like I felt tingly all over, and, well, yeah. I think he's my real true love. Kristoff is loads better than Prince Creep, and he's actually genuine, and-"
"ANNA!" Elsa interrupted. Anna went and kissed someone?! She shouldn't do that… "Why on earth d-did you kiss him? Or wait a second…did he kiss you w-without asking first? I'll freeze him f-for that!" She started for the door, but Anna grabbed her arm.
"No, Elsa, he asked first. I said yes, and I kissed him on the cheek before-"
Elsa's eyes grew big. "You just went and did it y-yourself first?! Now he'll think i-it's okay to kiss you all the t-time or something. And it's NOT! Anna, please l-listen to me. You can h-hang out with Kristoff if you w-want to, but no kissing. Or hugging. Or any…romantic stuff of any k-kind. Okay?" Selfishly speaking, I don't want to lose Anna again; and objectively speaking, Anna shouldn't get involved with someone so quickly like that…
Anna stuck out her tongue. "Stinker." And Elsa's bossy! Hmph. But…Elsa's my big sister. She's supposed to be bossy. The simple fact that she's being bossy means she's at least mostly happy. That's good, anyways. She changed the subject by saying, "Are you ready to go downstairs? I told lots of people in the marketplace about the demonstration, and said 'pass it on'. I can't wait! It's gonna be awesome, and everyone's going to love you!"
Elsa didn't say anything for a long moment as she bit her lip. I'm scared. What if I mess up? But…I should do this. I should be okay as long as Anna helps me. "I think I'm…ready," she said finally.
A few minutes later, Elsa and Anna stood in the main entrance hall to the castle. Elsa suddenly planted her feet in one spot right in front of the doors and refused to go any farther. "Anna, I c-can't do this! I'm going to m-mess up again and lose c-control or something. I'll r-ruin my reputation even further…please…j-just go outside and tell everyone I'm s-sick or something…besides, nobody w-wants to see more ice! I just f-froze everything, and…" Elsa's voice trailed off. Nobody is going to want to see what I can do…
Anna frowned. "Elsa, I hear lots of people outside calling for you! They will love you! You'll be fine."
"They probably w-want to get r-rid of me," Elsa muttered pessimistically. Come on, Elsa, even you know that's not true. Most everyone was happy to see you when you walked back to the castle with Anna after you thawed everything.
Anna ignored this comment. "Come on, Elsa, everything will be fine. You know the key to controlling your powers now. You won't mess up."
"But what i-if I do? What if it gets out of c-control again?" Elsa asked. I don't know what I would do if I lost control again…
"You won't, Elsa. I know you won't. Besides, even if it did, I'd stay right by your side and help you fix it, no matter what. Love will thaw, remember?" Anna reached to give her sister a hug.
Elsa smiled a bit and hugged Anna back. Thank you, Anna. "I remember…it's just…Anna, I still loved y-you all that time in the p-past. Why couldn't I c-control it before?" I know it had something to do with me being terrified all the time, but still…
"I don't know, Elsa. But I think 'cause you were so scared, it outweighed the positive emotion-love," Anna replied. "That matches with what I heard you say in part of your little speech thing you made upstairs in front of the portrait, too…"
Elsa suddenly understood exactly what the trolls meant when they had said "Fear will be your enemy" when she was eight. It was my fear, not others'. I misread that statement, just like Mom and Dad did… "Stupid, cryptic explanation," Elsa muttered in disgust. Maybe if that troll had explained things a bit more clearly, she and Anna wouldn't have had that rift between them for so long in the first place. She would have known the key to controlling her powers and wouldn't have been scared to be around Anna; and despite Anna's altered memories, Elsa could have explained what happened to her sister and everything would have been like it was before. Except, Elsa thought, I would have been doubly careful whenever I played with Anna. Elsa glanced at Anna's puzzled face and realized she thought Elsa must have meant her explanation was stupid and cryptic. "No, n-no, Anna, not your explanation. When our parents t-took us to the trolls a-after the accident when we were little, they s-said 'fear will be your enemy.' The p-picture-thing he showed us was a-an older version of m-me being chased by other people, s-so I thought that meant f-fear from other people…that obviously w-was wrong. It was my fear. Fear is the o-opposite of love. That's why fear m-makes me out of control, while l-love leaves me in p-perfect control."
Anna huffed in annoyance. "Those trolls gave an annoyingly cryptic response when Kristoff took me there after you…accidentally froze my heart, too. 'Only an act of true love will thaw a frozen heart.' That could have been ANYTHING! Except, obviously, anything regarding stupid con artists like a certain Prince Creep we all know and hate. Although the trolls are kind of cute, don't you think? Just…a little dumb." She paused before adding, "You never have to live in fear like that again. I'm right here for you, and I always will be."
Any act of true love that Anna performed herself, Elsa thought. Which ended up being sacrificing herself for me. I didn't deserve that. Not after I shut her out for so long. Anna's just…too much. She cares unconditionally, evidently. Elsa had been looking down at the floor after Anna mentioned the whole 'freezing heart' thing, but she immediately stared back at her sister when she heard Anna say the part about 'stupid con artists'. "I hate Hans. I don't w-want to talk about him."
"That's fine. I don't blame you, Elsa." Anna smiled and held out her hand, inviting her sister to hold it. "Come on, Elsa. I've got your back if you do mess up, but I'm not going to need to. I've got faith in you."
"You have faith i-in the person that l-literally froze you. Anna, you're c-crazy. And always loyal t-to the end," Elsa said softly. I think Anna trusts people too much. Trust is a good thing, but you can't go and trust people all the time. They let you down. I suppose someone you love is someone you trust…or else it should be. The two go together. You can't trust someone you love when they repeatedly let you down, but you can love them despite it. Anna shouldn't trust me like that. I don't deserve her trust…
"What else are sisters for?" Anna took Elsa's hand herself, since Elsa didn't seem to be taking the hint to hold her hand.
Elsa jumped a bit at the unexpected contact, but she didn't pull away. "Thank you, Anna. Let's go. I think I can do this." I can do this. Anna's with me. And I am the Snow Queen. Ice and snow are my elements…well, figurative elements, since water in any state is a compound, not an element…good grief, Elsa, who cares?! Go outside and wow your public and go ice skating with your little sister. "I'm ready."
Elsa gripped Anna's hand tightly as the two of them stepped outside. "I'm scared, Anna," Elsa whispered. "Too many people…"
"Elsa, look. They're all clapping for you. You're gonna be fine, Snow Queen Elsa of Arendelle! Show your public what you've got! And if you start feeling uncomfortable, find me in the crowd and pretend we're just playing together like when we were little. Got it?" Anna gave Elsa's hand a comforting squeeze and smiled at her. Then she ran down the castle steps, announcing her sister was coming.
Elsa just stood stock still for a moment, her fingers nervously fiddling with her dress. Okay, Elsa, no turning back now. You can do this. Calm down. You easily made a perfect ice rink in your room. She pressed her hands flat against her skirt, concentrating on the pleasant coolness of the ice fabric against her palms. Elsa closed her eyes and took a deep breath before walking down the steps herself.
Elsa paused when she reached the center of the courtyard, scanning the crowd looking for her sister. There she is. I'm just doing this by myself with Anna. I can do this.
I am the Snow Queen. And she isn't a horrible…I don't know what. She's going to make something pretty this time. Elsa's mind flitted to her ice palace on the North Mountain, and she suddenly felt almost completely relaxed. My ice palace is perfect. What I make now is going to be perfect too. "Are you ready?" she asked finally. I used to ask Anna that when we were little and we played in the ballroom. A slightly hesitant smile spread across Elsa's face as she decided this moment was going to erase as much of her painful past as possible. Please like me. I won't ruin everything again. This is the real me…is that okay? Will you accept me? Please? Elsa needn't have worried; everyone in the courtyard was happy to see her. They weren't looking at her with contempt, like she was some defective freak or something, and they didn't look frightened of her, either.
And she had Anna back. And while she knew she wasn't as comfortable with her powers as she'd been when she was little, she was a far cry from that scared and depressed girl from just a couple days ago. I'm much, much better. I'm not perfect, but I'm home. I'm free. For real this time.
This is my home. Elsa stamped her foot, and smooth blue ice as smooth as glass spread all over the courtyard. Delicate tendrils of ice swirled into decorations along the castle walls and the roof. I just made that! And it's actually…elegant and pretty. Elsa's sweet smile announced to everyone around her that she was so happy. With a sudden burst of confidence, Elsa quickly froze both courtyard fountains before putting both hands together and tossing sparkling blue ball high in the air that exploded into thousands of tiny snowflakes. I did it! I really did it! Those fountains look pretty this time. I stayed in control. Completely!
Elsa felt as if she were on top of the world. That scared and depressed girl from before was nowhere to be seen. And she's not coming back. Ever. Elsa realized this was the same feeling she had felt right after finishing her ice palace, only better, because it was for real this time; and not something she had only convinced herself was true.
A moment later, Elsa spotted Anna slipping and sliding toward her. Elsa quickly caught Anna before she fell. Anna still can't skate. Just like when we were five and eight. I'm going to teach her.
"I like the open gates," Anna said. I told you you could do it, Anna's look seemed to say.
"We are never closing them again," Elsa replied. Never, ever. I mean, of course we'll shut the gates for safety purposes at night and stuff, but I will always let guests in if they have something they need to take care of, and I'm not staying locked away in my room anymore. And I didn't stutter when I said that! She glanced down at Anna's boots and quickly created a pair of ice skates.
Elsa, you look so pleased with yourself for making those, Anna thought. "Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't ska-a...ack!"
Elsa grabbed her sister's hands and skated backwards, pulling Anna along with her. "Come on! You can do it!" She giggled in delight as Anna slipped and slid along. I'm not going to let Anna fall. I know I won't.
Elsa just stared as a large reindeer went sliding by. What in the world?! Oh…oh yeah, I remember seeing that reindeer with Kristoff when Anna introduced me to him.
"Look out! Reindeer coming through!" Kristoff called.
"I got it, I got it! I don't got it…" Anna said as her feet slid out from under her.
Olaf came up and pushed Anna back upright. "Glide and pivot…glide and pivot…"
Elsa laughed and pulled Anna closer to her. "Thank you for making me do this. I'm so happy," Elsa said quietly, although she was clearly excited.
Anna tried to give Elsa a hug, but only succeeded in falling instead, knocking Elsa over along with her. "I'm sorry…oops. Big oops…are you ok, Elsa?" Anna asked.
"I've never been better." Elsa didn't know why she wasn't embarrassed to have fallen right on her backside in front of a ton of people, but she wasn't. She scrambled to her feet with ease, the slippery ice not affecting her balance in the least. "Try again?" That stupid adage 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'…Maybe it is true. I tried for so long to control it…failure for thirteen years…but no more! I have Anna back now, and I know the key to controlling my powers now.
I am the Snow Queen.
Late that night, Elsa ran silent as a cat down the hallway to Anna's room. She glanced behind her to see frosty footprints all down the hall, glistening in the moonlight. I should have known I wouldn't be able to get through the night by myself with no bad dreams…Anna told me I could come to her room if I needed to… "But I don't want t-to bother her," she whispered. Elsa bit her lip, wondering whether she should knock on that door or not. Anna has told me the truth about everything else, so I know she didn't just say I could come here simply to make me feel better. Elsa, just knock.
Why aren't I knocking?
You don't know how. "Stupid, you just take y-your fist and knock," Elsa muttered to herself.
Elsa finally just closed her eyes and knocked on her sister's door for the first time. To her surprise, the door opened almost immediately.
"I knew you would come, so I stayed up waiting for you," Anna said, pulling her sister into her room. "I didn't want you to come here and knock and then get upset 'cause I didn't open the door 'cause I was sleeping." I knew it wasn't a good idea for Elsa to try to sleep by herself in her own room, but she wanted to try… She sat Elsa down on one side of the bed; then plopped down next to her. "Now you talk. I'm listening. And you can just stay in here too if you want to."
"I froze you, and y-you didn't thaw….a-and then everyone w-wanted to get r-rid of me, a-and I c-couldn't get those shackles off, a-and…just never m-mind…" Elsa's shaky voice wouldn't let her say anything more. She could still feel herself being dragged across the courtyard in that awful dream, her hands bound, and completely helpless to escape for some reason. And Anna wasn't there to save her that time…she was dead because of what Elsa had done. I was happy earlier. Why did I still have an awful nightmare? Anna's here. She's real. I'm not chained up again. Anna's alive. Elsa looked down at her hands resting in her lap and wished she could take those gloves off, but she didn't dare. Not if she was going to try to get back to sleep.
Anna just hugged Elsa tightly, not caring that her sister was extremely cold to the touch at the moment. "It wasn't real, Elsa. I'm right here, perfectly fine. And no one wants to get rid of you. Think about all the fun we had skating in the courtyard. You were so happy, remember?" She frowned when she realized Elsa was shaking all over, as if she were trying not to cry. "Elsa, let your feelings out. Go ahead and cry if you need to," Anna said quietly. "It's all right."
"I m-might hurt you," was Elsa's whispered response. I can't cry with Anna hugging me like this. What if…
Anna pulled her sister away from her, keeping her hands resting on her shoulders. "You're already crying," she said simply. "And you aren't hurting me. So let the rest of the upset-ness out. You'll feel better."
Elsa hesitantly hugged Anna herself and let the tears fall. Anna's alive, and I'm okay. We're going to be fine. "You're alive…you're alive," Elsa repeated.
"Of course I am," Anna replied. She gently stroked Elsa's hair, hoping it would help her sister calm down.
"Mama d-did that when I w-was really l-little…" Elsa whispered into Anna's shoulder. Before she and Papa thought I was too much of a…a defective freak to love or care about…I can't even remember if Anna was born yet then or not, so I must have been really, really young-no older than three and a half or so…
Elsa sounds like she's really little right this second, Anna thought. "How old were you, Elsa?" So Mom, at least, DID care about Elsa when she was little…when did that stop? The accident? And me and Elsa-Elsa and I?-should talk about that, but I don't want to make her upset, either.
"No older than three a-and a half, I don't think…" Elsa's voice didn't hold an ounce of bitterness in it-she had let those feelings out with her speech at the portrait. Now she just sounded sad and a bit plaintive and wistful.
"You mean they pretty much just quit loving and caring about you like they should have around when I was born?" Anna asked. "That means you were still practically a baby! That's stupid and so not fair it's not even funny!"
Elsa's teary blue eyes just gazed at Anna for a moment. But Anna loves and cares about me. I don't need to be upset my parents didn't really like or approve of me. "It's okay, Anna. I'm fine now. That happened i-in the past…it can't hurt m-me anymore. Well, at least n-not too much…" Elsa gave her sister a slightly rueful smile, figuring that yes, the past was still going to hurt sometimes, but it didn't have to define her anymore. I'm not going to let it. The past is in the past. That 'perfect girl' is gone…she was never there in the first place, and that girl trying to hide part of who she was behind locked doors and gloves and whatever else isn't me either. Those fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. I have Anna with me now.
Elsa made a surprised sound when Anna pulled her onto her lap. "What was that for?"
"Mom and Dad shouda done it for you before when you were little. So I'm going to do it now. I don't care if you are twenty-one; you never had a real childhood in my opinion. So right now you're a little girl and I'm going to hold you. I love and care about you, even if Mom and Dad didn't. I think they loved and cared about me enough, but you, Elsa…never you. That's not right. So…I'm gonna fix that." Anna held her big sister in her arms, not caring she was treating Elsa like she was five. That was kind of the point anyways, right?
Elsa snuggled closer to Anna, feeling perfectly contented. She felt safe for once. There was no one making her feel sub par and inadequate; there was no one trying to put her in the dungeon; there was no one trying to kill her, like in the ice palace. Ironic…I should be the one taking care of Anna since she's my baby sister, but she's taking care of me. I'm the one with a built-in defense system, not her…but she's protecting me."Anna loves me," she whispered to herself. A second later, the gloves Elsa was wearing were discarded on the floor. She didn't need those right now…she was happy. Very, very happy.
Anna grinned when Elsa threw those gloves on the floor. Elsa took them off herself! Good job, Elsa. "Of course I love you, Elsa. I always will."
Elsa gave a happy sigh. "Thank you, Anna. Thank you, thank you, thank you…"
Five minutes later, Anna carefully tucked Elsa under the covers before climbing into bed on her half. Anna was happy to see Elsa still smiling in her sleep. I don't think any more bad dreams will bother Elsa tonight. She looks completely happy, I think. "Good night, Elsa," Anna whispered.
A/N: So, like I said at the beginning, look for an epilogue chapter of sorts in a couple days.:) That WILL be the last chapter, lol. Sorry for the confusion.:P
Was Elsa's little speech at the portrait in character to you? Opinions please...:)
Last chapter/epilogue coming soon!:)