A/N: Enjoy!

VII
Castle's Apartment

Castle worked in the kitchen most of the day, taking breaks when he would get tired. He his need for taking his pain meds was lessening which helped. He enjoyed cooking more than he would admit publicly. The fine art of taking raw ingredients and turning them into food was very satisfying. Early on in his writing career, as soon as he felt he could make requests of his publisher, he expensed a very exclusive Culinary Arts school for research. The tradeoff was having the murder in his book happen to a chef at his Cooking school. He received a topflight culinary education and a pretty cool way to kill some one.

As dinnertime neared he began to pull things together. The china and sliver were laid out on his finest linen tablecloth. The wine was chilling and the food ready to serve. He moved around the kitchen at a frenetic pace more anxious about this meal than he cared to admit.

"Geez Dad, calm down, everything looks perfect."

"I don't know, maybe I should use the china with the Juliet pattern. I hope Kate likes duck. I could scrape the duck and do steak. Do you think I should do steak?"

"Dad, calm down, you have cooked for Kate like a half dozen times now."

"Yeah, but this is dinner not breakfast. I want everything just right." Castle worried.

"She has been putting up with you for almost a year dad; I don't think she is going to bail because you overcooked the duck."

"You think I've cooked the duck too long.?" Richard worried.

"No, I don't. I'm just saying that you are worrying too much" Alexis said placating her father.

The doorbell rang before Castle could give voice to any more of his concerns. Alexis took the opportunity to run out of the kitchen with the excuse of answering the door. She felt a trifle guilty abandoning her father to fret alone in the kitchen, but she could only take his somewhat obsessive worry for so long. She opened the door to reveal a nervous Kate Beckett, dressed in a knee length red dress with a tasteful but slightly daring neck line. Alexis smiled reassuringly.

"Welcome to our home, Kate."

"That is a strangely formal greeting, Alexis." Kate replied

"You and Dad seem to be nervous tonight. So it seemed appropriate."

"Really your dad is nervous?"

"He has been in the kitchen all day preparing the meal. I hope you like Duck a l'Orange."

"Duck a L'Orange, wow! Now I feel underdressed."

"You look beautiful Kate. I think that this is only the third time I have seen you in a dress. It looks good on you. Poor dad, he is going to be totally distracted by that dress," Alexis giggled.

"Alexis don't hog the guest….." Castle stammered to a halt

"Close the mouth Rick, you're attracting flies." Kate jibbed

"Kate, I'm struck mute by your beauty." Rick flirted."Love the dress."

Kate blushed at the complement. "Thanks Richard."

"Would you like some wine before dinner?"

"Yes, please." She replied.

Dinner passed in the comfortable cocoon of camaraderie. The four talked of easy, safe topics. Kate and Richard would occasionally lock gazes each trying to communicate their nonverbal secrets. Alexis and Martha never let the silences last uncomfortably long, so the dinner moved along comfortably. When at last the dishes for the main course were cleared away, Alexis left to go to Paige's for a movie marathon and Martha went out to a Broadway premier and party, leaving Castle and Kate alone, again.

"I swear to you that my child and mother do live in this house, they don't just visit."

"I know Richard, I have been here before. I have even seen Alexis' room. They do tend to leave you to your own devices, don't they?" Kate replied.

"Too true, usually they stick like glue to me if and when Meredith and Gina are here. I guess they approve of you. I know all sorts of Female bonding went on while I was in the hospital. When I came out of the coma you all were as close as sisters. There was a time or two that I seriously wished I was back in the coma. It's no fun to be ganged up on by three women."

"You're a big boy Castle, you can take it. Speaking of your health, how are you doing?"

"Good most days. I only take the pain killers when I go to bed at night, or after physical therapy. I took some early afternoon so I could cook and not have to stop half way through. By the way we do have dessert I made chocolate mint cheesecake."

"Richard," Kate reached over and laid her hand on his."What about the nightmares?"

"Alexis told you didn't she?" he accused.

"Of course, Richard, we talk about you because we care about you. Alexis said that you didn't want to go see a doctor, but Richard you have got to do some help."

"No I don't. I am perfectly….."

"Castle, you wake up every night screaming, do you go back to sleep, I doubt it. Despite having you door closed I am sure Alexis and Martha know what's going on. You have got to talk to somebody."

"I am not going to talk to some shrink, who will somehow blame it on my mother and then try to medicate me and then five years down the road come out with a book about treating me."

"Richard," Kate tried a different tack, "After my mother died I had the nightmares, if I hadn't gotten help I would have put my gun in my mouth by now, and killed myself. I can't stress enough; you have got to talk to someone, if not a therapist the maybe someone in the clergy."

"Ha! Not happening. I would sooner be raked over glowing hot coals than talk to a priest."

"How can you be so stubborn? You did therapy after your divorce didn't you. Why can't you go again?"

"Because after I stopped being his patient I was the subject of his next book, the thinly veiled Rick Rook, with crazy, weird mother issues. I'll not be used like that again."

"Oh, Richard I'm so sorry. I didn't know…. Wait a minute, how come I haven't heard of this book?"

"Because when I got word that it was coming out, I sued his ass until I bankrupted the bugger. Now I have the only copy in print and it is buried and will never see the light of day."

"Isn't there anyone you can trust?" Kate asked.

"There are a few people that I trust, but I would never want to burden them with my problems. You see the people that I trust implicitly also happen to be the people I love. I could never place this burden on you or Alexis."

"Trust? Love?" Kate was stunned. Why was he being so cavalier with those words?

"Kate" Richard smiled a sad smile. "Is it so impossible for you to believe that I trust you? How many times have we been chasing some murderer and you have pulled my ass out of the fire? How many times have you saved my life? Is it so hard to believe that someone who has spent most of the last nine months with you would find reasons to love you? I love you Katherine Beckett."

"Oh, Castle no…."

Castle gently pulled Kate into an embrace. He could feel her heart racing. She was trembling. He did not know if her trembling was out of fear of being loved or something else. He turned his head so that he could look into her eyes. The fear was there as well. He thought that behind the fear he could see the young woman she had been before her mother died. The open hearted, trusting girl she had been before her tragedy. He mourned her loss. Slowly he pulled her closer. She resisted at first but when he whispered her name her resistance crumbled. His first kisses were light almost teasing but as their desire increased so did the pressure of their mouths. Their lips parted in unison as their desire to taste each other deepened. It wasn't until Richard had pulled them down so that they were lying on the couch that he noticed that she was crying.

"Kate, what…?"

"I am so sorry I… can't… say…."

"Sssh, there is no need.'

"But, you.." she sobbed.

"Yes I did, I said the L word. But honey, I am not going to pressure you into saying anything before you are ready. We both have our trust issues, don't we? If you were to say those words I would probably be trying to find a way to jack rabbit out of here."

"You deserve….."

"Haven't we already had this conversation before?"

"How can you…..?"

"Ssssh, we have all the time in the world." He said as he wiped away her tears away.

"But we don't have all the time in the world. Something could happen, one of us could die….."

"All the more reason to enjoy ourselves while we are together, and not worry about words." Castle assured.

It was Kate who pulled him into the embrace. For the two of them, time seemed to stop. It felt as if they had been kissing for days. They were both intoxicated with the joy of discovering those sensitive places where lover kisses evoked pleasure. At last they reached that point where to go any further would mean crossing the unspoken barrier that they had erected for themselves.

As they lay in each other's arms, Kate was lulled but the strong beat of Castles heart. Its steady beat was a reassuring pulse through her whole body. The sense of belonging increased. She was born to be right where she was at this particular time.

"After my mother died, and before I went to see a therapist, I would have dreams of dying. I was the one that had died. I would wake up just as the knife would enter my back. You haven't heard screams like I used to wake up my dad with. There was a time that I assumed that my father drank because he was trying to get a good night's sleep. It wasn't until after my initial bout of therapy that I understood that dad could not deal with mom being gone and that is why he was drinking."

"I don't dream about my death." Castle stated.

"Oh?"

"I first had the dream in the hospital. I am standing in a graveyard. It's gray and rainy; there are mourners all around a gravesite. Everybody is there, Martha, Alexis, Ryan and Esposito. You are standing beside me and….."

"And" Kate supplied.

"And" Rick swallowed "….and you are asking me why I hated you so much, because I allowed you to die. Dominic killed you and it was my fault because I had not warned you that he was coming after you and Alexis. You're incensed, really ripping me a new one. I don't try to stop you because I know it's my fault. And just when I think it can't get any worse, a shot rings out and Alexis slumps over dead, killed by Strom. I…. I don't think I could survive. I know that I wouldn't want to….. Anyway I am sure a shrink would have a field day with my abandonment issues. I am not afraid of my death; it's the death of the people I care about that kills me. Sorry for the pun."

"Most people are afraid of their own death, why not you?"

Rick smiled sadly."I stared down that specter, back when I was in college, but that is a tale for another time."

Kate lay on the couch with her partner and perhaps closest friend and pounder the enigma that was Richard Castle. Why was he more scared of others dying? What could possibly have happened in college? How could have been so easy for him to say 'I love you'? In other relationships she had been in, when Love had been used, if it was not immediately reciprocated then all hell would break loose. How could Richard Castle be so mature about the situation and still act like a child so much of the time? She did love him, she could admit that to herself, but she still couldn't bring herself to trust in the relationship? What was holding here back, and could she overcome the trust barrier and speak the words she longed to say. As she wrestled with her conundrum she realized that Castles breathing had become regular as he had drifted off to sleep. At first she was offended but soon realized that it was a complement. He felt so comfortable with her that he could relax. She snuggled deeper in to his embrace an tried to contemplate the future as she drifted off to sleep.

A/N: I should get to the Ball in a chapter or two. Not entirely happy with this chapter. Let me know what you think.