The wind blew around my hair and tickled my ears. Unlike most of the people on the island, I'd been paying attention to personal hygiene. Since I had curly hair, it easily and quickly matted into dreadlocks. For the first few weeks, I let my hair turn into what looked more like a single woolen blanket than many individual strands of hair. Later, after seeing that the boys were starting to look more savage, I decided to set an example. I used a sharp shell to cut my hair to make it easy to wash. It probably looked uneven, but I didn't mind. At least I was partway presentable. I'd also taken to washing in the stream every day so I'd look clean. Thank God the only person who knew where I was was Ralph, who'd become a brother to me, and I trusted him to a) not watch and b) keep everyone else from watching. When myself staying clean didn't work, I asked Ralph to enforce something stricter when it came to hygiene, to make sure that everyone kept clean. It was a certain paranoia that ran through me that started with a story my mother told me a long time ago. I don't remember it very well, but something about it had stuck with me. It was that when someone started looking like something, they became that thing. That's what scared me so bad. I was worried that the boys on the island would suddenly start acting like monsters when they started looking less like human beings.
For the most part, things went fine after that. Living on the island wasn't half bad. I found myself enjoying it at times. This was one of those times. Sitting on an outcrop of a cliff above the churning waves, leaning against Simon, I felt hopeful for the future. Hopeful that we'd be fine when the British came for us. Hopeful that they'd come. And even in my darkest moments, I hoped that they wouldn't come. That I'd get to live forever in this magical place. Those moments scared me too.
"Some days," I said to Simon, "I don't ever want to leave. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah. I mean, we get unlimited bacon, so what's not to love?"
I chuckled despite myself. "I'm serious though. What if when they do show up, we won't want to leave. What if... what if we lose our humanity? What if we become savages? I'm scared for us."
"Don't worry Ally, we'll be fine." Ally. It was his nickname for me.
"How can I not? What if we run out of pigs, then what? They'll be used to the meat. They won't be satisfied with fruits anymore. What if they try to eat the children?"
A long moment of silence descended upon us. "I won't let them," he said finally. "I know you won't either. Come on, we'll think about that when the time comes, ok?"
"Alright." I offered him a weak smile.
"There you go. Now come on. Let's see what everyone else is up to." He stood up and offered me a hand, which I gladly took and allowed him to help me up. We walked down the beach hand in hand, and I felt content.
The contentedness wouldn't last. As we neared the beach, I heard shouting.
"This can't be good." Simon muttered. I nodded in agreement and pushed ahead of him.
Ralph, Robert, and Jack had just gotten back from their hunt. They were flailing their arms madly, as if trying to describe something to the others. I could see the terrified looks on the faces of the boys' faces. As I got closer I managed to make out bits and pieces of what they were saying.
"We saw it! ... the beast... huge... billowing... there is a beast ... it's terrifying."
This stopped me in my tracks. For all these months, Ralph had been denying the existence of a beast. And only seeing it personally could've prompted him to suddenly change his mind. Which meant that there was a beast. I was stabbed with a fiery burst of panic, causing me to basically topple backwards. Simon caught me.
"There's - there's a beast." I panted, knowing that he knew, that he must've heard, but needing to tell him anyway.
"I know. I heard."
"We're going to die. It's going to kill us." I sounded whiny, I sounded like a baby. I knew these things but I was so afraid. I was too afraid for it to matter.
"Ally, don't worry. It hasn't killed any of us for the past few months. Also, if it was deadly it probably would've killed Ralph and the others when they saw it.
I nodded and forced a laugh. I was embarrassed. "You're right. Sorry."
He grinned at me, "Let's see what we can do."
I took Simon's hand and we jogged down towards Ralph. When he saw us, a look of relief crossed his face.
"There you two are," he said "We were worried the beast caught you. And… well … you know..." he drew his hand in a slitting motion across his neck.
"We're fine," I said, and Simon nodded. "What do you want us to do?"
"Everyone's scared. We need them not to panic. And we should just all stay together on the beach for now. Let things settle down." He ran a hand through his hair. It was a tick he'd recently picked up. The poor guy was under a lot of stress. He'd matured practically twenty years since we'd come to the island. You could tell from the way he walked, talked. I was going to say something reassuring, but Simon was already speaking.
"That's not right. We need to go after it. We have to see if it's a threat."
"No!" Terror. That's what was going through Ralph's head. "I'm tellin' you. We gotta stay on the beach. We gotta stay together. We have to!"
"Coward." Jack had come up without me noticing. He was wearing face paint and was flanked on either side by Roger and a boy I didn't recognize. "Ralph's a coward. He shouldn't be the chief. I should be the chief." Turning to the boys, he continued, shouting now, "Ralph can't lead! Look at what he's gotten us into! We're not rescued yet! There's a bloody beast after us!"
"That's not his fault," Simon said. "That we're not rescued yet. He tried to get the fire burning, but you and the hunters didn't follow through. So if it's anyone's fault it's yours."
"Fine," Jack replied, screwing up his face, "but we still got a beast that wants to kill us."
"How do you know that? It didn't attack you!" I shouted.
I was surprised by a crack of lightning. Without me noticing, clouds had rushed in and rain had begun to pour. Ralph took the silence as an opening. He blew the conch. "Fine! Everyone listen up. We gotta be fair about this. Raise your hand if you want Jack to be leader 'stead o' me."
A few of the older boys raised their hands, but there weren't near enough. I breathed a sigh of relief. Jack was furious.
"Fine! I'm leaving! If anyone wants to come, you're welcome to join me!" With that, he Roger, and the other boy ran off into the rain.
Simon helped me round the littluns up into the hut. I told them stories above the thunder. I reassured them, until one by one, they dropped off to sleep. By the time the last one had nodded off, the rain had stopped. I left the hut and walked up the beach where Simon, Charles, and Ralph were talking quietly.
"Hey," I said, sitting down on the sand next to them, after Charles scooted over a bit to make room for me.
"We're talking about what to do," Ralph said.
"About what? Jack? Or the beast?"
"Everything. We've lost five guys in the last hour while you were puttin' the kids to sleep. They decided to join Jack. That leaves us with less people to defend ourselves with. 'Specially cause the guys that left were all hunters. They were some o' the strongest."
"We need to find the beast. Watch it. Maybe there's more than one. Find out about it. Then we can decide what to do with it. Until then, we're in the dark."
"Tha's wha' I keep tellin' 'im," Charles said. "He won' listen."
"Ralph. You have to at least send out a search party for it. You don't have to go." He shook his head, so I continued, "We need to do something. Otherwise, Jack will and it'll be something stupid that will make it mad for real. Then it'll kill us."
"You're right," he sighed.
"Tomorrow, we'll set up a search party," Simon said. "Now, we just need a good night's sleep. We'll meet here at sunrise and decide who'll be going."
Since we were all in agreement, I started up the mountain to my personal hut in the clearing.
After laying down, I couldn't fall asleep. No matter how hard I tried, my tossing and turning was endless. I decided to go out on a walk. Leaving my clearing, I ambled aimlessly around the forest for what I meant to be about half an hour. Pretty soon, I stumbled upon another clearing. There was a putrid smell and the sound of buzzing filling the air. It took me a few seconds to figure out what the sound was. Flies. Thousands of them. Buzzing around something that probably died. Curiosity took over and I went to see what it was.
Finally I found it. To my disgust, I saw a pig's head impaled on a spear. I gagged almost throwing up. Jack must've killed it. It was freshly dead, telling from the wet blood still dripping down the sow's neck. Suddenly, the it spoke to me.
"Yer lookin' for the beast ain't ya? Yer thinkin' you can find it ain't ya? But we both know yer wrong. You and me both know. Ya knowing what the beast really is ain't ya?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Yer the beast. Ralph's the beast. Simon, Charles, Jack, the lot of 'em. But you 'specially. Yer here to kill us all. But ya knowing that ain't ya?"
"No. I don't know what you're talking about."
"The beastie. Is' inside ya. Ya feel it there. Ya feel me there. I'm jus' waitin. Waitin' to come ou'. Soon, we'll see ya. Soon we'll see who ya really are. Soon."
"No," I whispered, my breathing shallow and quick. I started backing away. "No. That can't be right. I'm trying to keep us civilized. I'm trying. I can't become like that."
"Ya will. See. Ya feelin' it."
"No. No!" I turned and ran, ran through the forest. Not caring where I was going as long as I was far, far, far away from that horrible apparition. From the Lord of the Flies. Luckily, I ran out of breath quickly and found myself close to my clearing. Clutching my spear, I fell asleep, terrified, but still quickly.
I awoke immediately when I heard a branch snap and the leaves around me rustle. Jumping out of the foliage, I brandished my spear.
"Who's there?"
"Hey, it's just me," Simon came out of the woods with a smirk and his hands up in mock surrender. "Don't worry."
I lowered the spear and breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment I'd thought that the Lord of the Flies had come. Which was dumb because it was literally a pig's head on a stick. "What are you doing here? It's so late."
"I was worried about you. Especially with the beast around and all."
"You know I can handle myself."
"Yeah. I was still worried," he hung his head.
"But that's not why you came."
"No. It's not."
"No one knows you're here, do they?"
"No."
"What are you doing here, Simon?"
"There was just something I had to tell you."
"What?" At that moment, he looked up at me with his huge dark eyes. At that moment, I knew.
"No." The word wasn't a whisper. It was a breath. A wisp of air. Then, gone.
"I'm sorry."
"You know you can't feel this way. You know that I can't. You know that we're practically in the middle of a war. We have to worry about survival. We can't think like this. We can't - We can't feel like this."
"I'm sorry," he said again.
But I was getting frantic. "It's not your fault. I just don't know how. When? Suppose we're stuck here forever? I'm the only girl! Does that give me certain… responsibilities? You know I can't! I can't do this. I just… I just can't. I'm so afraid."
"You don't have to be."
"But I'm so alone." I pointed above our heads. The clouds had cleared in such a way that a single star was visible. "You see that star? It's all alone. I'm like that star. Billions of miles away from anything. I don't know what to do and there's no one to help me."
"That may be true. But just wait. Soon as those clouds clear up, you'll see that you're surrounded by friends that are here for you. That'll help you. You have Ralph. You have Charles. You… you have me."
With that, he leaned in and kissed me. I was caught by surprise. He pulled away quickly.
"Do you want me to do that again?" His voice was soft, so soft, I barely heard.
No. I wanted to say. No. Go away and take your feelings with you. I don't want you here.
But what slipped out was a single word: "Yes."
I was frozen, terrified at what I'd just said. Then suddenly, just as quickly as it had come, all the tension seeped out of my bones. I relaxed. And I did the unthinkable. It was irresponsible. Immature. Especially in my situation on the island. It was something I'd sworn to myself I wouldn't do. I made a commitment, a promise. I kissed him back.
Nothing else happened that day between us. But as I lay on the ground, I looked at the sky. Above my head, the clouds cleared and the night sky was peppered with shining stars.