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Driving was proving to be difficult for Jay for the second time that night. He was constantly looking to his right to check up on Erin while trying to focus on the road, the fact that he had managed to get her to come with him doing little to ease his concern.
"Er, you feeling okay?"
" 'm fine."
"Tell me if you feel sick, okay?"
"Mhm."
Worried that she might feel nauseated, Jay tried to drive carefully and at a reasonable speed. The drive to Erin's apartment seemed to take forever when in fact it was only about 15 minutes. He parked in Erin's spot, since her car was still in front of Bunny's bar, and turned to talk to her.
"Hey, you're home. Let's get you upstairs."
Erin lifted her head from where it rested on the window and looked at her apartment building. Her gaze traveled up to the windows of her living room and suddenly the fog of her drunken state lifted and she was pulled back to reality.
"No. Jay, I can't go in there. I don't want to… Too many memories."
Her speech was still slurred but she was nowhere near as drunk as she had been when Jay had found her. The alcohol made her talkative, though, and she was finally admitting things that she had been trying to avoid since Nadia's death. She had tried to be strong and continue living at her apartment as though nothing had changed, but it was impossible. She saw Nadia's body, broken and lifeless, everywhere she looked, in every corner of every room. Even when she had been drunk with Landon, she had tried to block out those images and not let them get to her, ignoring the way the alcohol was playing with her emotions. She was drinking to forget, not to remember.
This night was different. She had had such a rough couple of days, she had decided to distance herself from the Intelligence unit to protect them, she had just quit her job. But now Jay was here and as much as she didn't want to feel, his presence mixed with the alcohol in her system somehow threatened to crumble the walls she had built around herself.
It only took Jay one glance to his right to realize that she was on the verge of losing it. The deep green shade of her eyes that he had come to love was clouded with a desperation he never wanted to see. Hesitantly, he reached over and gently grazed her hand with his fingers, and his own eyes filled with tears when he felt her twitch. He couldn't bear seeing the woman he cared so deeply about in such distress and it pained him that she was trying to handle it all by herself.
"We'll go to my place then, alright?"
For the third time that night, he felt slightly relieved when she nodded without putting up a fight. He didn't want to take advantage of her drunken state but if it meant her allowing him to help her and sharing with him just a little bit of the weight she carried, he would seize the opportunity.
It took them another 15 minutes to get to Jay's apartment. He exited the car first and went to open the door on Erin's side. She was struggling with her seatbelt so he leaned over her, unfastened it and helped her out of the car. She wobbled slightly and he hugged her to himself, letting her lean on him and walking slowly into the building. The elevator ride made her nausea return and he was glad when they finally arrived at his apartment door. Quickly unlocking it, he led Erin inside and helped her to the bathroom, where she emptied her stomach once again.
He saw tears trailing down her cheeks and when she was done, he let her fall back against him. The defeated whimper that escaped her lips would be etched in his mind forever.
"Jay…" – She was so exhausted, physically and emotionally spent and barely keeping it together.
"Shhh, Er, you're gonna get through this. I promise. Shhhh."
He got up to get a towel from the cupboard and knelt back down, clutching Erin with one hand while gently wiping her face with the other. Jay wanted to talk to her more, to tell her none of it was her fault, but he knew it wasn't the time for that. She needed to rest and he wouldn't push her further tonight. It was enough that she had come to his apartment willingly.
There was only one question that couldn't wait until morning.
"Erin, listen to me. This is important. Did you take anything other than alcohol? Pills, something else? Please, if you did, you need to tell me because it could be dangerous."
"No. I swear I didn't." – One look into her eyes and Jay knew she was telling the truth. In her state, she didn't have the strength to lie. Releasing the breath he had been holding, he decided it was time to call it a night.
"Okay. Come on, let's get you to bed."
He helped her to her feet, but she was too tired to walk and she slumped against him. So Jay wordlessly picked her up in his arms and took her to his bedroom, sitting her on the bed. He rummaged through his dresser and found a Blackhawks jersey for her to sleep in.
"Erin, let's just change you out of these clothes and you can go to sleep, okay?"
She nodded, barely keeping her head up, and didn't fight him when he helped her put on his T-shirt and removed her jeans. She was just so tired.
Jay arranged the pillows, stacking them higher than usual against the headboard, knowing that she would feel sick again if she was lying down, and then allowed her to settle against them, covering her with a blanket and kissing her forehead.
"I'll get you a bucket just in case."
He went to the bathroom and was back in no time, setting the bucket next to the nightstand. When he looked up at Erin, she was already asleep. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, red and puffy from the night's emotions, and went to the living room to call Voight and update him on the situation. After the short conversation, he came back into the bedroom and settled down on the other side of the bed. Sitting up against the headboard, still in his clothes, he took one last look at Erin and allowed his eyes to close.
-
The next morning, Jay woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand, realizing that it was his usual time to go to work. He reached for his phone to see that Voight was calling him. Looking to his right, Jay saw that Erin hadn't even stirred, so he quickly got up and went to the living room to talk.
"Sarge."
"Halstead, how's it going?"
"She's still sleeping. Didn't wake up at all during the night." – Although Jay had been asleep, his days in the military had taught him to always be alert, so even the slightest sound or movement could wake him up. That's how he knew Erin had gotten a full night of sleep.
"Good."
"Sarge, I…"
"Jay, take the day off and stay with her. Try to get her to talk and call me if anything happens."
Jay was grateful that Voight was still on the same page as him. He was just about to say that he really didn't think leaving Erin would be a good idea, and he was glad that his boss was thinking the same.
"Okay. Thanks, Sarge."
Erin woke up a couple of hours after that. She looked around and it took her awhile to realize she was in Jay's bed. She groaned as the previous night's events rushed back to her, and she felt the need to leave as soon as possible. She didn't want to be around Jay, not when he made her feel and think. She didn't want that. She wanted to be numb, to get rid of the pain. And she knew if she stayed around Jay long enough, he would break down her walls and make her feel it all.
Slowly she got up, shutting her eyes as a wave of dizziness hit her. She lifted a hand to her head, massaging away the headache that was beginning to form. Even though she felt like crap, the hangover wasn't as bad as it should have been after the amount of alcohol she had drunk the night before.
Hearing the clutter of utensils, she knew she couldn't leave without at least facing Jay, so she sighed and carefully made her way to the kitchen. She was greeted with a sight that, even after everything that had happened in the past months, made her heart flutter in her chest. That was exactly what she was trying to avoid – Jay trying to make her feel better. It was what he always did – trying to protect her, to help her. But she didn't deserve his help. And, seeing him in his black sweatpants and grey T-shirt, setting up plates with scrambled eggs and bacon, her favourite breakfast meal, she hated him for being so… Jay-ish.
"Hey. How'd you sleep?"
"Fine. "
"Do you want me to give you some sweatpants?"
It was then that she realized she was wearing his Hawks jersey. She didn't even remember putting it on the night before. It was big on her, swallowing her whole frame, but she still tugged on the hem, trying to cover her bare legs. She felt out of place. She wasn't Jay's girlfriend. They broke it off because of her issues, so why was she in his kitchen, wearing his favourite jersey after sleeping in his bed? She didn't deserve any of this. He had suffered so much because of her and she wanted nothing more than to distance herself from him so that she couldn't hurt him again. However, he seemed to be intent on making it so hard for her to do that.
"No. Actually, I think I'm gonna leave."
Her voice was cold and the look in her eyes was blank. Now that the effects of the alcohol had worn off, she was back to shutting him out. Jay sighed, having predicted her reaction.
"Please, Erin. You had a rough night, at least sit down and eat a little and drink some coffee."
She was actually hungry and coffee was exactly what she needed to make the hangover go away, so she found herself agreeing to his offer, deciding to leave after breakfast.
"Fine. "
They ate in silence, with an air of awkwardness between them that rarely if ever happened. Even after their break-up, they had managed to fall back into their partner routine fairly quickly, keeping an understandable emotional distance but still able to work together in perfect synch. Now the space between them was so big that it made Jay wonder what he would have to do to get through to Erin. His thoughts were interrupted by the clatter of her fork against the plate.
"I'm done. Can I go now or are you going to lock me in?"
She sounded so angry, but Jay knew it was all an act. She was taking it out on him because she knew he cared and she didn't want him to care. She wanted to be around Bunny and probably the guy from the other night, because they didn't have high expectations of her. They were the only ones who wouldn't try to make her feel better or say that it's not her fault. She blamed herself and she wanted to be surrounded by people who wouldn't tell her otherwise.
"If you want to take it out on me, that's fine. I know you don't want to talk about it and we don't have to talk right now. I don't want to lock you in here, but I do want to show you something. It involves leaving the apartment, with me. Please, just give it a try. "
Erin sighed, knowing that he wouldn't just let her leave. The kindness in his eyes didn't exactly make things easier, either.
"Fine. But if I don't feel like it, and I'm sure I won't, whatever it is, I get to leave and you'll stop bugging me."
Her words were harsh but Jay didn't feel hurt by them, understanding that he was colliding with Erin's defense mechanism. He knew how she was wired, because he was the same - his mind flashed to the time after his tour overseas. Time he had spent pushing people away, because they were trying to make him feel better and he didn't think he deserved it.
He knew exactly what Erin was going through, he just had to find a way to help her fight through the darkness.
"We'll see." – He couldn't promise to leave her alone, even if it was what she wanted at the moment. He wouldn't stop trying until he managed to reach her, and until then, he was fine with being her figurative punching bag.
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An intense chapter 3 coming your way soon.. ;)