Hey guys, happy Friday :)) Thank you so much for the support you've shown, I'm so glad you like this story! Here's chapter 3 :)
They left the apartment half an hour later, after taking quick showers and only speaking when necessary. Jay was still in his sweatpants, but had put on a matching black T-shirt and Erin was wearing her jeans paired with another one of his jerseys, which she only agreed to wearing because her own shirt was stained from the previous night's events. She was getting more irritated by the minute, going along with Jay's plan only because she knew he wouldn't stop bugging her if she didn't. She desperately tried to shut him out and not let his baby blue eyes melt her defenses away.
Neither made a comment when he got into the driver seat and started steering them in a direction still unknown to Erin. On a normal day, she would have tried to steal the keys even though it was his car, and he would have made another comment about feeling like a house-husband. This morning, however, the tension between them was palpable. Jay's heart was breaking every time he saw the blank look on Erin's face, and he hoped his idea would work and allow him to reach her.
When the car came to a stop, Erin looked through the window to see a familiar building on her right.
"Antonio's friend's gym?" – She wasn't successful in hiding the surprise in her voice.
"It was. Now, it's Antonio, Roman and me…and Voight, sort of."
"What?"
"We just bought it out. Come on."
Erin hesitated, but followed Jay as he unlocked the doors and let them in. The deal had been finalized but the gym wasn't officially re-opened yet, so Jay had sent a quick message to Antonio telling him he'd bring Erin there and making sure that they would be alone.
"Jay, I don't know what…"
"Look. When I was in the army, boxing really helped me release the stress. I just thought… we used to love coming here before work, so maybe we could give it a try if you're feeling up to it. "
Erin sighed loudly. Damn, Jay Halstead always knew exactly what to say. He rarely mentioned his days as a soldier, so the little information he provided made her react. Combined with the mention of the hours they had spent in this very place, spoken in the softest voice, and he managed, for the second time that day, to convince her not to leave.
"Okay."
The smallest of smiles appeared on Jay's face, and a little bit of hope settled in his chest. He knew his Erin Lindsay was still there, he just had to find a way to get through to her, as Voight had told him in the precinct.
He took a pair of boxing gloves and handed them to Erin, before taking the round punch mitts for himself. Both of them climbed onto the ring and stood opposite one another.
"Okay, show me what you got."
Erin, still hesitant, started out slow. She aimed her punches at the mitts on Jay's hands, focusing on them and nothing else. Jay watched closely as her eyebrows furrowed in concentration and her lips pressed tightly together.
As the minutes passed, however, she grew more and more determined and her punches became more aggressive. The serious look on her face was soon replaced by one of desperation. Her lips parted and she started taking in sharp breaths, which echoed around the empty gym.
Jay had predicted this reaction. It was the reason he had brought her there in the first place – he had hoped that the physical exercise would allow for her anger and pain to resurface. He knew how it felt trying to block all the emotions out, and he also knew it wasn't healthy to keep them bottled up. It was better to express those feelings somehow, to release the pent-up tension. That was the only way to start the healing process.
As he allowed Erin to throw punches his way, he saw tears forming in her eyes and noticed that her breathing was becoming irregular. She was so distressed she was starting to hyperventilate. Jay backed away a step, but she advanced on him, not able to stop now that she was releasing all the stress she had been through. The inhuman sound that left her throat, reminding him of the one she had made when she saw Nadia's dead body, made Jay realize the exercise was enough for now.
"Erin. Erin, stop. Stop, it's okay. Shhh."
He quickly removed the mitts from his hands, not even flinching as she continued to punch, this time hitting his torso. She was sobbing now and he hugged her to himself, not letting go when she struggled to get away. After a few moments she finally stilled and allowed him to hold her. Her strength left her all at once and suddenly his arms were the only thing holding her up. Jay felt her knees give out and lowered them both to the floor. He gently took her arms and removed the gloves, then embraced her once again. Cupping the back of her head in his hand, he whispered in her ear.
"It's alright. Shhhh. Just breathe. It's okay, Er."
She lifted her head from the crook of his neck and looked at him. The unbearable sadness he saw in her eyes made him vow that he would forever do whatever he could to help her.
"It's not okay. She's dead. She's gone and it's all because of me."
"No, hey, listen to me." – When Erin didn't react, Jay crooked his finger under her chin and lifted her head to meet her eyes. – "It wasn't your fault. What happened to Nadia, what that monster did to her, it's not on you. It's on him. "
"But if I hadn't meddled in her life, she would have been fine."
"That's not true, Erin. Do you remember how Nadia was when we found her? She wouldn't have been 'fine' without you and she sure as hell wouldn't have been studying to become a cop. You helped her get better; you gave her a second chance. That is on you."
"And what about Hank? What about you, Jay? Everyone I care about I end up hurting."
"Hey, Hank may be rough around the edges, but he loves you so much. And me? You haven't hurt me, Erin. You made me happier than I had ever been."
Erin sniffled in response and Jay knew it would take more than one conversation to convince her. He was glad though that she was starting to come out of her shell. As heartbreaking as it was to watch her suffer, he knew letting it all out was necessary in order to move on. Jay tightened his hold on her and stayed like that for a few minutes, allowing her to catch her breath and calm down.
"You know what? How about we clean up a bit and then take a walk in the park? The weather's nice today."
Erin nodded, wiping her eyes. This was exactly what she hadn't wanted, but now, after crying for the first time in days, she appreciated that Jay hadn't left her alone. She felt slightly better after releasing some of the emotions she had been blocking out since Nadia's death, and she had to admit that the boxing gym idea had been a good one. It would still be awhile before she admitted that to Jay, though.
Jay discreetly left Erin to freshen up in the restroom and gave her a small smile when she emerged a few minutes later. Her eyes were still puffy and red, but her face was dry and she looked a little bit more like the old Erin, Jay's tough partner that he'd come to care about so much.
They left the gym in silence and after stopping by their favorite coffee place, headed to the park, each with a steaming cup in hand.
"Erin…" – Jay started out tentatively, knowing that after the brief moments of vulnerability, Erin would be even more adamant about distancing herself from him.
"Look, Jay. I really should go."
Jay turned to look at her instantly, swallowing hard and shaking his head. It was like she had waited for him to say something in order to shut him down right away.
"No. Go where? Back to Bunny's bar?" – His words weren't harsh, if anything, they were dripping with concern.
"It's none of your business anyway." – There, she was back to shutting him out. He knew her so well and yet he didn't know what to do in order for her to let him in. He hated himself for that. – "I don't need your help or your lectures, Jay. I just wanna be alone."
"I'm not here to lecture you. I told you this morning, Erin. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to right now. But I also once told you that I will always have your back and I meant it."
There was a quick flash of recognition and pain in her eyes, so quick that he would have missed it if he hadn't kept his own eyes trained on hers. Although her stare turned blank again, he knew he had managed to hit a nerve saying that, making her remember their break-up and their promise to be there for each other no matter what. Making her remember what they had not too long ago.
"Look, why don't we just sit on that bench over there for a while? You don't have to talk. Please. "
They stared into each other's eyes for a few moments before Erin shrugged, sighing loudly and walking over to the bench. Jay followed her, glad that his methods, although he himself wasn't entirely sure what they were, seemed to be working for now.
They had been sitting for a while, both lost in thought, when suddenly Jay's soft voice cut through the silence:
"You know why I vouched for Mouse when I brought him to the unit?" – Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Erin stiffen and turn her lead just a little in his direction. She didn't say anything, but he knew she was listening.
"One day, in Afghanistan… we were driving in a convoy, me and Mouse in the lead Humvee. All of a sudden there's a big explosion and we're thrown in the air. I don't remember much after that, just bits and pieces. There was smoke and fire and I heard screams all around me, but I couldn't move. I remember trying to look around and just seeing blood everywhere. Turns out one of the Humvees behind us drove like an inch to the right and triggered a land mine. "
Jay's eyes clouded with tears. He never talked about his time in the army and no one except Mouse knew that story. He had decided to share it to try and get through to Erin, to show her that he understood her pain. But deep down, he knew that it was for his own benefit as well. He had been keeping the memories of his time overseas to himself for so long, and although he hadn't gone down the same path as Erin, he was still struggling under the weight of it all.
"Anyway, I was hurt pretty badly. A piece of shrapnel was lodged in my abdomen and I couldn't move. The last thing I remember was Mouse crawling over to me and telling me to hang on. I found out later that he had managed to get me to safety and then remove the thing and stop the bleeding, while he was injured himself."
Erin couldn't help but release a short gasp. Jay's story had captured her attention. Even when they had been together, he hadn't shared anything about his military past and she knew it was a very difficult subject for him. She watched as he lowered his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. Her own eyes filled with tears when he turned to look at her, sadness written all over his face.
"Me and Mouse were the only ones who made it back home. Out of our whole unit. "
"Jay…" – Erin didn't know what to say. She had gone from being angry and ready to leave to wanting to reach out and squeeze Jay's hand. She felt confused, she hadn't even wanted to stay with him but somehow he had convinced her and now she was listening to a story she knew he had probably not shared with anyone else. Still, she kept her distance and didn't reach out to him, and could only watch as a few tears rolled down his cheek and he brushed them away. He turned to look at her again.
"Erin, I just… I just want you to know that I understand what you're going through. The guys from my unit, they had so much potential. Some of them had wives and kids waiting at home. And then they were dead, just like that. None of them deserved it, and neither did Nadia."
Erin flinched at the mention of her late friend's name, closing her eyes briefly to try and control her emotions.
"You were right earlier, in the gym. Saying that it's all gonna be okay is wrong, because the people we lost are never coming back. That feeling of guilt? It never completely goes away. Even though everyone tells you you're not to blame, and you know they're right, you still feel like you could have done something. I… I still wonder why I survived and they didn't. But this is how it is, Erin. We're here and they're not. It's unfair and sad and so frustrating, but we can't bring those people back. All we can do is try to live our lives honoring them."
Erin looked up at Jay and they locked eyes, neither trying to hide their emotions. Silent tears rolled down both their cheeks. Hesitantly, Jay reached out and gently squeezed Erin's shoulder, trying to comfort her while still maintaining some distance. She didn't flinch or try to pull away, so they stayed like that for a while, both taking their time to pull themselves together.
"Jay, I can't… I don't know how to deal with all this. I don't know if I can talk about it."
"You don't…"
"Wait." – Erin didn't let him finish, already knowing what he was about to say. – "Thank you for sharing that story, I know it must be so hard for you. I appreciate what you did today and last night. But… I don't know where I'm going from here. I just don't know right now. So I'm going to go, okay?"
Erin stood up and Jay followed suit.
"Hey. I don't need you to explain yourself to me. But if you feel the need to talk, or cry, or punch someone, you call me. That's why you have backup." – He managed to bring the tiniest smile on her face.
"You know I quit, right?"
"I know that you need some time. But I'm not giving up on you, Erin. And for the record, neither is Intelligence."
So, for this chapter I had two main ideas that I'd really love to see play out on the show - Jay bringing Erin to the gym now that the guys own it, and Jay sharing something from his past (btw, if there are any incorrect terms in his story, I apologize, I made it up without really doing any research). The gym would be a great place for Erin to release stress and distance herself from negative influences. And seeing Jay open up about his past I think could also help her.
Tell me what you think! Reviews are appreciated :) The next chapter is the last one (at least for now) and I'll have it up soon.