Chapter 1: How Do I Breathe? – Mario
'How do I breathe?
Without you here by my side?
How will I see?
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go?
When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?'
You climb up off of Liam, frown in place.
You can't do this. You dreamed of kissing her whilst here with him. You look down at him and want to cry. You look down and your heart doesn't speed up, your palms don't get sweaty. If anything, they itch to beat and pull and destroy every feeling inside of you.
He isn't what you want. You can't try anymore.
You couldn't have tried harder but he is just not her and you know it.
Goosebumps appear on your skin and you get dressed as quick as you can. You don't want Liam to wake up, you don't want him to think everything's okay. This was your thank you to him, this was your way of forgetting that she's with Reagan right now. She's with Reagan right now, probably touching and kissing and making love to her and not you.
You swallow down the lump in your throat and shake your head as if that could banish the images invading your consciousness.
It doesn't work.
You run.
You run and find your way home and to your bed where you pull your clothes off, burrow under the blankets and imagine your mind is as empty as the darkness of this night.
It doesn't work.
Your lungs burn like petals set on fire and you wish you could turn to ash and float away. The urge to destroy comes back and so you beat and scratch and cut at your chest, as if that could stop your heart from beating for her.
You cry.
You miss her, you miss home.
"I've been in love with you since the day we met."
And you have, too. You remember meeting her, seeing her in Kindergarten for the first time. It wasn't until later that you noticed how pretty, how kind, how caring she was. All you remember about that first meeting with her is feeling home, feeling safe, feeling happy.
That's how you know, that's how you know that she's your soul mate and Liam is not.
But you messed everything up and now she's with somebody else.
Your chest stings and burns and you like the feeling, you like it so much because now, now it's your turn to hurt instead of her. Even though she betrayed you, she broke your trust, you just want her to stop hurting. That's why you forgave her, that and the fact living without her is unacceptable.
She's your soul mate and you can't keep punishing her for your feelings.
You taste the saltiness of tears on your lips, your throat feels raw from being forced into silence, your head feels too full. You search for the photo of you and her, the one you took from your mirror and kept in your dresser draw and smile once you glimpse at it.
You crawl back under your blanket and stare at it, stare until your vision begins to dim and the fog in your head begins to lift, until unconsciousness becomes your friend as the sun begins to rise.
—
The sun blinds you when you wake. You feel something akin to a hangover, even though you haven't drunk alcohol in a while. You place the photo on the side and grab your phone to check the time.
12:43pm.
You never sleep this late. The urge to move and just do something is usually consuming you but not today. Today you lie there and stare at the ceiling, feeling drained.
You don't know if you like it or not. You're swinging from one extreme to other too fast. You're numb and yet you feel everything. You are a pendulum and no matter which way you swing, you're being pulled in the other direction.
Liam. Amy.
The world. Your parents.
Acceptance. Love.
You don't know how long you lie there but you know the sound of her in your house. You know the sound of each footstep, each note of her voice that greets your parents, each knock on the door as she alerts you to her presence.
"Hi," she says and you feel like still, you feel silent, you feel home even though your heart is beating double time.
"Hi." Your throat burns. That isn't what it wants to say. It wants to tell her you love her, you need her, you're hers but you can't do that. You can't let her know how much power she has to destroy you. You can't let yourself hurt her anymore. That's why you always chose Liam. It doesn't matter if you hurt him.
She looks down, catching sight of the scratch marks, the blood that litters your chest. You try to hide it but you know she has seen it, now. She frowns and swallows down the tears building in her eyes.
Her eyes. You love them. They're so pretty, so vivid, so perfect…like her.
"What-what? Why do you have?" She shakes her head. "Karma, what happened?" She walks over and sits next to you on the edge of the bed. You look down but she reaches out for you and forces you to look at her.
"Nothing."
"That doesn't look like nothing," she says, pointing at your marred skin. "Who did it? It wasn't Liam, was it? I'll fucking kill him."
"It's nothing. I promise. Nobody hurt me." You look her in the eyes. "I promise, nobody did this to me, okay?" She nods. "So, how was your camping trip?" You smile.
"It was fine." She shrugs. "Are you okay? Are we-are we okay?" You always thought she looked cute with the crease in her brow but now you feel bad, feel bad that you can't confide in your best friend anymore.
"Of course. C'mere." You hug her close and feel so, so relaxed. "I'm okay, I promise. You're here, what could be wrong?"
She hugs you back, so tight and you revel in how she brings you close.
You both lie on the bed for a while, arms still wrapped around each other until her phone goes off. She replies but before long, she receives another text which causes her to frown.
"What's up?"
"I was supposed to meet up with Reagan but I cancelled and she's pissed." She shrugs, tucking the phone back into her pocket. You push her away and feel the burn back in your throat.
"You should go."
"No, I want to spend some time with you."
"No. Go spend some time with Reagan and make up with her. You can spend time with me whenever, I'm always here." She smiles at you and want to cry.
"Are you sure?" She rests her forehead on yours. You tuck her hair behind her ear before nodding.
"I'm sure. But I want to spend time with you soon, I miss you."
"I miss you, too. Hey, how about tomorrow after school, we have a movie night. Just us."
"Sounds perfect." You smile and kiss her cheek. "Now off with you."
"Okay. Love you." She gives you one last hug.
"I love you."
She leaves. You cry. You cry until your eyes sting and your lungs burn and your body shuts down. And you sleep peacefully, deeply until the next day. The next day when your stomach feels like it's going to turn itself inside out with hunger, and your skin feels sore and fragile and everything just hurts.
You spend the day hiding. Hiding your scratches, hiding your sheets that have drops of blood here and there, hiding yourself from everyone but her when she arrives.
Then you smile.
She sits next to you and you both sit staring into the box she brought with her. You can't wait to put everything back where it belongs. Your room felt empty without her presence to comfort you.
The days without her in your life, the days you spent ignoring her were truly the worst of your life. How could you ever function without your soul mate by your side? You wonder if you ever will be able to cope with losing her.
She reaches out and hugs you and you don't want her to stop. Everything feels okay, everything feels safe when it's just you two together but you know it can't last. That's why you pull away and begin filling the empty spaces with objects that remind you of her.
"Thanks for bringing this stuff back, Princess." You catch sight of her smirk and smile.
"You're welcome, Captain. Now, c'mon, let's watch a movie. You can pick." She taps the space next to her and winks at you. You smile. She almost always lets you pick and so you always decide but today, today can, today will be different.
"No." She frowns. "Why don't you pick the movie and I'll go get some snacks? You know where the laptop is and the password," you say, turning to walk out the room. "We can watch a documentary or something if you like."
"Okay. You sure?"
"Yup. Now hurry, you take so long to pick something."
"You lie."
"Mhmm, we'll soon see when I get back, won't we?" She looks endearingly at you and you feel your heart melt more and more when you're around her.
It doesn't take you long to find everything and carry it upstairs. You're standing in your door way, smiling.
You always found it adorable how her tongue poked out when she's deep in concentration. You lean against the door frame, popcorn in hand, watching for a few moments and soaking her in.
"Karma. Come help pick a movie." You wonder how she always knew when you entered a room, even without looking at you.
"I knew it." She glares at you for a moment before a smile breaks through. "The first one you look at…now." She groans.
"Twilight it is." You laugh and walk over, lying down on your front next to Amy.
"Well, how about we just watch one of the Scooby Doo movies?" You nudge her shoulder. "I know they're your favourite."
"Only because of you, stupid."
"Me? I thought it was Velma that did it for you."
"Ha-ha. Go and get the movie, short stuff."
"Hey, I'm not short." You go and find the DVD. She watches you and you like how easy this is. There's no tears, no anger, just your friendship. The best thing you have and the one thing you can't lose.
You head towards the bed and crawl towards Amy when you see her sigh. You frown as you watch her turn off her phone.
"What's up?"
"Nothing." You raise an eyebrow at her. "It really is nothing. And besides, tonight's just about us. Karma and Amy, right?"
"Right." You look sceptically at her.
"Exactly. So nothing else matters besides us eating this popcorn and watching Scooby Doo." You want to see her smile and not look so down.
"Scooby-doobi-doo." You do the obligatory bad impression and feel lighter as soon as you hear her laugh. She pinches your cheeks.
"So cute."
"Mhmm, move it or lose it, Princess." You push her over so you can lie next to her. "And hey, I'm not cute, I'm sexy." She smirks.
"I am sexy, aren't I?" She cheekily shimmies for you and push her shoulder. She falls to the side and brings you down with her. Half of you leans on her back and you rest your head on her shoulder. "Comfy?" You nod your head. "Good." You don't want to ruin the moment with words so you just watch the movie and feel her beneath you, laughing and happy.
Before you know it, the movie is over, the stomach pains from laughing so hard have gone and Amy is lying next to you, getting ready to fall asleep.
"You okay?" she quietly asks. You breathe in her scent. You cuddle into the jumper she let you steal and move closer, placing an arm on her waist. You love this jumper. It's green just like her eyes and she just looks so good in it.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you? Something was bothering you earlier." You frown into the darkness and your voice rises at the end with curiosity.
"I'm fine, it's nothing."
"Amy." You sigh.
"Nope. Unless you tell me what the nothing that happened yesterday was about, I'm not going to tell you what my nothing is about."
"That's stupid."
"Maybe but I'm worried. I love you, I just want to know what happened. Those scratches didn't get there by themselves."
"I just-I just fell, y'know." She scoffs and pulls you close.
"We've known each other forever. We both know you're lying."
"Okay. I'll tell you what happened but you have to promise not to ask why, yet."
"Why?"
"Please. There's just some stuff I can't tell you, yet. One day I will, I promise but just not yet, okay?"
"Okay." You rest your head on her chest.
"I was just hurt and angry and stuff." You begin tracing shapes on her hip and focus solely on that. "I did it to myself but it's okay, it doesn't really hurt and they'll go away soon." She's silent for a little while but when she speaks you know, you know she's sad by the huskiness in her voice and the way she grips you tighter. She pulls you so close, there's no room between you.
"Karma, it's never okay that you've hurt yourself like that. It won't ever be okay that you hurt yourself. I know you can't tell me why, yet but can I do anything to fix it? Can I make whatever's bothering you better? Oh, God. It's not because of me, is it? Because of what me and Liam did?" Her body tenses and she begins to speak fast. "I'm sorry, I'm so—"
"Amy, no," you shout loud enough to stop her talking and lean up to look at her in the dark. "No. This wasn't your fault. At. All. Not one bit, y'hear me? And you are fixing it. Right now, you're making everything better, you're making me better."
"Are you sure? Are you sure there's nothing else I can—"
"No."
"Okay. But you promise it's okay now? And you promise if you need me, you'll say?"
"I promise and hey, you." You lightly tap her nose. "Don't think I've forgetting there's something bothering you."
"It's just Reagan." You feel her shrug. "Sometimes she gets jealous when I hang out with you." You frown. You know this is partly your fault. You shouldn't have caused trouble at the dinner that night. None of what happened was Reagan's fault but you couldn't help it. You were so jealous that she got to spend time with your Amy. Your Amy that isn't really yours but you've never been able to accept that. Now you're trying, though, now you're going to learn for Amy's sake, for her happiness.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's not your fault."
"It kinda is."
"Well, maybe a little bit but you're my best friend. I'm going to spend time with you no matter what."
"I know. Maybe, um, maybe we should all meet up or something and I can apologise and she can see there's nothing to worry about?"
"Maybe. She kinda has to get it over it though. I can't and I won't lose you."
"I know. I can't lose you, either, my princess." You cuddle in close to her and smile. No matter what, you can't lose each other.
And even though there words are lodged in your throat, you can't never spit them out and tell her. You can't risk it. You need to have your best friend in your life forever.
You rest your head on her chest and fall asleep with a smile.
You wake up smiling, too. Amy has always cuddled you in her sleep and this morning, you wake up spooning each other. For a brief moment, you wonder if best friends actually do this but then decide it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how others are because this is how you guys are.
"Morning, Sunshine," she says. The sleep filled husk to her voice sends shivers down your spine and creates goosebumps on your skin. "Did you sleep well?" Her arms tighten slightly around your waist.
"Yup. Did you?"
"Slept great. Like, seriously, your bed is so much more comfortable than mine." You laugh at the predictability of her. She says this every time.
"Well, time to get up for school, Princess, so c'mon." She groans and cocoons herself within the blankets. You get up and stand by the bed, hands on your hips.
"Karma, I was comfy." You smirk.
"C'mon, love. It's time to get up." You shake her a little and pull away the covers.
"Okay, okay. Fine." She pouts. "You're so lucky I love you." She heads to your door.
"Where're you going?"
"To shower. You woke me up, I get the shower first."
"But Amy," you groan. She runs off before you can say anymore and you groan again. "You're really lucky I love you," you shout and hear her laugh in response as the shower turns on.