Chapter 2: Rather Be – Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne
'We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace
Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete
It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity
As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be'
You're fine, you're content all day until you see them outside at lunch. You see Amy and Reagan kissing and smiling and happy and holding each other like you want to hold Amy. Your chest feels like a chipped window pane now fracturing under the pressure.
You run. You've always been good at that so you do it again. You run until you're safe, locked in a bathroom stall and crying so much your sobs can't keep up.
She's moved on.
You sit there until no more tears come, until the bell for class has been and gone, until your body aches from sitting still so long. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror once you move and wish that it would shatter, too. The red rings around your eyes, the blotchy skin gives you away and make you feel as ugly as you've ever felt.
No wonder Amy could move on so quickly. No wonder Liam hasn't even bothered with you. You turn away from the mirror in disgust and blindly walk down the corridor until you bump into someone.
Oliver.
He holds your arms and steadies you.
"H-Hey," he stutters and adjusts his glasses. You notice him freeze when he gets a clear look at you. "Are you okay?" You feel the tears come again and look down. Your body shakes and you only remain standing because of Oliver's grip on you. "Hey, hey, c'mon, let's sit down." He helps lower you down so you're both sitting side by side against the lockers.
You don't care if you get caught, you don't care about anything except for the fact that it hurts. It hurts so much. You whimper and he puts an arm around you.
"Hey, it'll be okay. Whatever it is, it'll be okay." You rest your head on his shoulder.
"I-I'm sorry." You hiccup. "I just-I mean—" You bury your head in his chest and cry. He wraps an arm around you and pulls you close.
"C'mon, let's go somewhere, somewhere we can talk or something, okay?" You nod your head in agreement and he keeps an arm around you waist and guides you to wherever you're going.
It's silent until you arrive.
"And all I had to do was get all the serial numbers for the locks, call the manufacturer and pretend to be the janitor. They sent me all the keys to the locks and here I am," he says as he swings open the door to the security camera room. You're impressed by his intelligence. You know Amy would think he was cool for it. "It was-it was pretty easy." He sits down and doesn't look at you for long. In fact, he looks anywhere but at you. "I know it's pretty weird but, y'know?" He shrugs. "I just wanted to see what I'm supposed to be like."
"No…No, I get it, kinda." Your voice is hoarse and you wipe your face, trying to remove the tear tracks. You're glad you wear waterproof mascara.
"Yeah." He drags the word out and you can tell by his excessive fidgeting that he's nervous. "So, are you okay? Do you-do you want to talk about it? Or movies? We can watch movies or TV shows or something? I-I'm sorry. I'm a little…awkward." He shrugs and you find the way he keeps adjusting his glasses endearing. You wipe your face one last time.
"It's okay. It's okay. Can we just not talk about it?"
"Oh, of course, of course. So, movie?"
"Sure."
"What do you want to watch?"
"What you got?"
"Whatever you want. I, er, I mean I can get whatever movie you want to watch up and we can-we can just…watch it?" He vaguely swipes his hand in the direction of a laptop, his you assume. It takes you a few minutes to decide on a movie.
"Twilight." He looks at you for a moment and you frown. What did you do?
"Twilight? Oh, okay. Twilight it is. Just give me a moment." He loads up his computer and you watch as he types faster than you've ever seen someone type before. "And there you go," he says, tapping one last button.
You lose yourself in the movie. The hopeless romantic in you can't help it. Oliver sits and watches it for the most part, silently with you. He scoffs, just like Amy at all the parts you find cute and sweet. You can't help but notice how alike and yet how different they are and Oliver hasn't even said much. He's just fidgeted and sat rigid next to you the whole time.
"Do you want me to go?" you ask as the movie ends. You're feeling better and you know how nervous and awkward he is. Your heart still hurts but you've got to move on, like Jacob, you have to move on. He looks at you for a few seconds before looking just behind your head and occasionally catching your eyes.
"You don't have to. I mean, if you're not ready to go back, we can hang out or something? It's really, kinda up to you, y'know?" He shrugs again.
"Thanks, Oliver. I really appreciate-I mean, just thank you." You look down for a few moments trying to formulate the right words. "You didn't have to care but thank you for looking out for me."
"It's okay. I mean, Amy's pretty cool and you're her best friend so you must be pretty cool as well." You smile comes out as a grimace. From now on, you'll be her best friend, the greatest friend you can be but that's all.
"She's amazing," you say. He bops his head in agreement and you wonder if maybe he feels a little like you do right now. "So what do you do for fun?"
"Break into security camera rooms for anthropological research and watch a lot of documentaries." You see his shoulders visibly relax and smile. Maybe you could be friends. "You?" he says after too much silence.
"That's pretty interesting. I like music."
"I noticed."
"Yeah, and I like to watch movies and other teenage girly stuff that you probably don't like."
"Oh. That's-that's cool." The fond look that passes over your face isn't lost on him. He frowns.
"It's not really but thank you."
"You're welcome."
—
Oliver is around a lot more than you ever noticed before. You wonder if he's just checking up on you or if you really were that unobservant before. You assume it was the latter. You know how self-absorbed you can be.
He finds you a few days later, not far from the lockers you crashed into him in front of, quietly staring off into space when you should be in class. You wonder if he was going to class or just doing 'research'. You kind of like knowing he's watching. He's a good guy. Shy and awkward but he cared for you when he didn't have to.
"Hey," he says, walking over to you. "If you need a shoulder, I've got two. Or not if you want me to go away, just say. That's fine but if you need me." He stops talking when you walk over and place your forehead on his shoulder.
"I love her, I love her so much," you whisper and the world gets lifted off of your shoulders. It's so liberating to finally say it to someone and you know Oliver doesn't really understand what's going on but he's there. He's there awkwardly placing a hand on your back and begins patting you.
"And that's bad?" You nod against his shoulder in response. "How can loving anyone be bad?"
"Because she's my best friend and she's with someone else." You can't voice these confessions in anything but a whisper.
"Ah. I see. But you love her as more than a friend." You nod. "Have you told her?"
"I can't." You lean away and stand face to face with him.
"Why?"
"I messed up and I just can't." You shrug and don't even cry anymore. Everything but heartache has left. "We've hardly spoken the past few days, anyway." Agitation creeps into your voice. "She's too busy."
"Have you messaged her?" You shake your head.
"No."
"Why? If you want to speak to her, why not contact her?"
"I just." You shrug. "I just don't want her to get in trouble and I don't know what to say, anymore."
"Trouble?" He frowns but the look you give him makes him change topic. "Want to get out of here?" he says. You nod in the affirmative and find yourself watching movies with Oliver once again in the security camera room. You like it here, with Oliver. He doesn't expect anything from you and you don't have to do or be anything at all.
And little things about him are just like her, just like your princess.
"So, I've got this friend," he says just as you're getting ready to leave. "She's a musician, too and I play a little piano, myself. I thought maybe, only if you want to, of course. Maybe tomorrow night or something, we can jam and just play some music? I don't know." He shrugs. "I just thought that might be nice-that might be good for you and she'll like you and it beats just being two of us." He cleans his glasses on his jumper before placing them back on.
"That sounds…that sounds pretty awesome, Ol. Thanks for inviting me. I'll be there." You smile and note the slight blush on his face as he smiles back.
"You're, er, you're welcome." You exchange numbers. He smiles again and you throw a wave in his direction as you leave.
It's good to have someone you can talk to but won't push you. It's good to have someone that it's just so easy, so simple to be around because you're truly just friends. Well, maybe not friends yet but you're close to it.
You send a text thanking him again.
—
You have so much fun just playing around with your guitar and voice. The music sings to you just as much as you sing to it.
Caitlyn and Oliver have been keeping you distracted, too, goofing around and you've never seen Oliver so comfortable. Maybe Caitlyn is his Amy. You smile as you watch them both, now, pushing and shoving each other like they're 8. Oliver falls off his seat and his glasses fall off. You and Caitlyn laugh.
"My glasses. I can't see without my glasses." You double over with laughter.
"Jinkies. What will you do?" Caitlyn says, handing them back to Oliver. He rolls his eyes and smiles at you both.
"Nice to see you're both so good to me."
"Aw, Ol. We're nice but even you must admit that was funny," you say, pinching one of his cheeks. "Our little Velma." He pushes you, gently away.
"Shut up and get playing."
It's late before you leave and you think tonight, you'll be able to sleep easy for one night, at least.
Caitlyn and Oliver welcomed you so easily into their friendship. You know how music has been their thing with each other for so long but they didn't mind you interrupting that, if only for a day.
Once home, you text Oliver and Caitlyn, letting them both know you're home safe like they asked you to do and giving your thanks, once again.
You're trying so hard to move on, to build a space separate from Amy like she's doing with Reagan and they're making it so easy for you.
You smile for the first time in a while as you greet your parents before heading off to bed.
Today has been a good day.
—
You're walking with Oliver to class.
"So, how about a jam session, tonight?" he asks. You're surprised and he notices. "What?"
"I just thought it was a onetime thing, y'know? Just to make me feel better."
"Well, it kind of was." He shrugs and scratches the back of his head. "But it was pretty cool, all three of us and Caitlyn really likes you. She, er, she actually text me to ask." He shrugs again. "So, what do you think?"
"Yeah." You nod your head and smile. "Yeah, I can make it. It was pretty awesome playing with you guys." You purposefully bump into him. "I can't get over how good you are at the piano and Caitlyn is an amazing guitarist."
"Yeah, she's pretty amazing," he mumbles. You note a light blush and smile even more.
"She is." You'll resist teasing him for today. You've noticed the affection, the looks that pass between them.
You spot Amy looking at you from a distance. You shrug it off and try to ignore the way you react to her, the way every sense is focused on her, the way you know exactly when she walks over because you just cannot help but to notice everything about her.
You love how form fitting her top is, the way it accentuates the curves and dips she usually likes to keep hidden. And God what you wouldn't do to run your hands through her hair and across her skin. But you can't. So you shake the thoughts from your head and smile when she reaches you both.
"Hey, Amy," Oliver says.
"Hey guys." She awkwardly waves and you can't help the fond look that passes over your face, the way everything in you relaxes a little bit. You never noticed just how free she makes you feel. "How's it going?"
"I'm just walking Karma to class." She looks between you both and frowns, quickly, but long enough for you to notice. Her lips harden and you wonder what's wrong.
"Oh, that's cool."
"Yeah." You shrug. "We've just been hanging out lately."
"Ah, okay. So, anyways, I was thinking, we don't spend much time together lately so how about a movie night, tonight?" She smiles at you and bounces, lightly on her tip toes in excitement as she grabs your hands. "A girl's night, like old times." Now it's your turn to frown as you look between Amy and Oliver. Her excitement dies down and she lets go of your hands. "Or not, if you don't want to?"
"Aims, it's not that, it's just I've made plans now."
"N-No. It's okay. We can re-schedule and you can spend the night with Amy."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. We can hang out, some other time, right?"
"Right. Tell Caitlyn, I'm sorry, though." The crease in Amy's brow and the way she looks between you both, tells you she's confused.
"I will. Don't worry, Karms." She freezes and stands rigid when she notices he called you that. "We can jam anytime."
"You play for him?" The hard line of her mouth now dips down a little.
"Kinda." You shrug. "We just play around and I never do originals but Ol and Caitlyn are pretty amazing musicians." You reach for her hands and hold them. "Originals are just for you to hear, Princess." She smiles at you.
"Oh, I didn't know you wrote your own music."
"Yeah but like I said, only Aims gets to hear those." He smiles and laughs a little nervously.
"That's nice."
"Yup. So tonight, you're coming over to mine? Or?"
"Yeah, I'll come over to yours." You hook your arm in hers and kiss her cheek.
"Cool. I'll see you later, then. Text me, okay?" She nods.
The bell goes and you and Oliver head off to class.
"It really is okay for me to skip out on tonight, right?" He laughs.
"Of course, K-dog. Amy's you're best friend and we really can all get together and play around anytime. It's no big deal, just fun."
"Okay." You feel better after his reassurances. Even if it did bother Oliver, you would have still picked Amy but you're glad it doesn't.
—
You know something's bothering Amy as soon as she enters your room. If her quietness didn't give her away, then the way she wouldn't look you in the eye and the down turn of her lips would have done.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." She sighs. "So you and Oliver, huh?" She flops down on your bed and buries her face in your covers.
"Yeah. Ol's a pretty cool guy when you get to know him."
"Oh, yeah, I guess he is," she mumbles and it takes you a few moments to figure out what she said.
It's silent for too long as you try and figure out what's really bothering her. You know her too well. She always hides herself from you when she doesn't want to talk.
"What's up, Aims?" She sits up and brings her knees to her chest.
"You two look close."
"We aren't really. We're just friends, y'know?"
"Just friends?"
"Just friends." You nod your head decisively, once for emphasis. "I realised after the whole Liam thing that I need more friends. And besides, I can't keep taking up all your time. I have to share you now with Reagan so…yeah. Me and Oliver are friends."
"Oh, but you know," she says, tracing patterns on your blanket. "You know all you have to do is say and I'll be here." So that's it. You move closer and hug her.
"I know, Aims, I know. But I don't want to get in the way of your relationship, that's why I don't text. You know I'd spend all day, every day with you if I could." You chuckle. "How could you forget? We're soul mates, right?" She smirks.
"I didn't forget, I thought you did."
"Never." You tackle her onto her back and begin tickling her. "Say you're sorry, Princess."
"No."
"Ha. You're going down."
"Nope. I'll never give in."
By the time she has tears in her eyes and is gasping for breath you smile in victory.
"Okay, okay. I give. I'm sorry. You win."
"I always win. Muhahaha."
"Karms, that laugh was terrible."
"Yup. But it made you smile."
"You always make me smile."
"You always make me smile." It goes silent, again but this time it's comfortable. You're climb off her and lay by her side, looking at the ceiling. "How's-how's Reagan?"
"She's good."
"Things are good between you two, right?"
"Yup."
"Good."
"Yeah."
"Hey, why don't we do something Saturday and invite her? I can invite Oliver and Caitlyn and we can group hang." You lean back and clap your hands in excitement. "It'll be awesome."
"I don't know. I mean—"
"C'mon, Princess. It'll be nice for us to all hangout, right? I mean, we're best friends so we should meet and spend time with each other's friends and girlfriends, right?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Okay." You sit with you knees bent beneath you and shrug. "Well, you can ask I guess but if you really don't want to come." You shrug, again. "I won't make you." She gasps.
"Who are you and what have you done with my Karma?" You push her arm and join in her laughter.
"Shut up, idiot."
"I'm your favourite idiot."
"You're my favourite everything." You know you shouldn't be saying all these things but you want her to know she's loved, she's needed, she matters. You won't ever try to take her away from Reagan, not again. Not when you know she can make Amy happy in ways you can't. "Love you."
"Love you, too. Now let's pick a movie." She gets up and walks around your room like it's her own.
You smile.
"I vote for the Notebook." She groans and rolls her eyes but you know she likes it. You wouldn't have chosen it if she didn't.
"Fine but only because if not, you'd pick something worse."
"Mhmm, that's why. Keep telling yourself that, Princess." She smirks.
"I will, shorty, I will." You lie on your front as she sits on the edge of the bed and loads the movie on your laptop. Before you know it, the screen is in front of you and she's jumped on top of you.
"Thanks for that, Aims."
"You're welcome." She doesn't get off you. She just adjusts herself so she's comfortable and her arms are around your neck. She kisses your cheek. "My comfy little pillow." You smile at her playfulness.
You've missed this.