Chapter 3: Looking In – Mariah Carey
'She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbours adolescent fears.
She dreams of all
That she can never be.
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me.'
"Hey, Ol," you say as you find him in the hall. "What're you doing Saturday?" You both walk in the same direction, even though you don't know the destination.
"Saturday? Erm, I think I'm going to a party with Cait." He frowns in concentration for a few moments. "Yeah, this Saturday we're going to a party."
"Oh, okay." You smile at him and wonder what you'll do now.
"Why? You wanna come?"
"Oh. I just thought it'd be nice for us, Amy, Caitlyn and Reagan to hang out, y'know? But maybe we can do it another time or something?"
"Sure we can. Or-or you can all just join us?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Cait won't mind, like I said, she likes you." He shrugs. "And besides, we're friends. I've got your back, Karma." He wraps an arm around your shoulder and you wonder how much he knows.
"What?"
"I mean, you don't want to be around Amy and her girlfriend alone, do you? I just thought it'd be easier if you join us and then you can just leave, whenever. I mean, if you don't want that, it's fine. You don't have to come."
"Oliver," you say, getting his attention. "It's fine, I appreciate the offer. I don't want to be around them alone, no. So, Saturday is party time, hey?"
"Yup. Want me to come pick you up? I, er, I don't really drink and somebody has to make sure Caitlyn's home safe, y'know? I don't mind looking out for you, too." You smile and throw your arms around Oliver.
"You're the sweetest." He rolls his eyes and laughs lightly. You smile at the blush you notice staining his cheeks as he adjusts his glasses a little.
"You're welcome."
—
You thought the dreams had gone. That you were lucky to have peace of mind in sleep, what little you got of it but now you know you were wrong.
You see her above you, arms holding her body weight up off of you. Her breath on your skin sends shivers down your spine and goosebumps arise on your skin.
She kisses you. She kisses you everywhere and it's torturous because she won't touch.
"Not yet," she whispers in response to your pleas. "Not yet." And she just looks at you. Your laboured breathing fills the silence and you're pretty sure your heartbeat is loud enough, strong enough for her to hear. "God, you're so beautiful." She chastely kisses you again. On your lips, your chest, your stomach, she kisses you and finally, finally begins to touch.
Your skin burns wherever her flesh comes into contact with yours. You scream in agony and your throat feels as though you've swallowed glass.
"Karma, wake up."
You still see Amy above you, smiling as you wilt under her searing heat. Everything hurts, every nerve ending is sending pain through your body.
"Karma," your mother's voice screams again. You frown and wonder what she's doing here. "Karma, wake up."
You're shaking, uncontrollably. You feel someone touching you and it feels as though you've both opened and closed your eyes.
Your mother is above you, tears in her eyes that match yours.
"Sweet girl." She pulls you into her chest as you sob. Your throat feels raw. You feel raw. "It was just a dream. Shh." She rocks you both back and forward and runs her hand through your hair. "It's okay. It was just a dream." You tuck yourself under her chin and listen to her heartbeat as it lulls you into safety for a little while.
You can't remember the last time you had a nightmare and Amy wasn't there to comfort you.
You freeze with the realisation that for the first time, Amy now is your nightmare.
"Want me to stay with you, tonight?" your mother asks. You nod your head in response. You cannot speak, yet.
The day goes on and you're more tired than if you'd gotten no sleep at all. After the nightmare, you'd slept fitfully, fully aware of how messed up everything is, how messed up your life is.
You're now sitting on your bed, staring at your phone that's switched off. You've spent the day wanting to ring Amy but knowing you couldn't. This is your burden to bare and somehow, somehow you will get over it and let Amy have her happy ending with Reagan.
You're still no better by the time 8pm rolls around. It's Saturday and you've got to get ready for the party tonight. For a few moments, you burrow into Amy's green jumper that still smells of lavender and her, before getting ready.
You slowly turn the heat up in the shower and relive the burning sensations of your dream all over again. Your skin is red raw but you like the feeling. Now it's just physical and it makes you feel clean, refreshed, purged of all the guilt, all the wrong things you've ever done.
Before you know it, Oliver is escorting you into his car and towards the party. You cannot take your mind off of the dream, off of her and all her painful perfectness that you once could have had.
It's not long after you and Oliver manage to find a space standing against the wall, drinks in hand when you spot them walking in. They've only just entered and already you're burying your head in Ollie's shoulder, trying to shelter yourself from seeing them together. They're holding hands but even that makes you jealous. You remember all those times you got to do that and now you can't.
You know you can't keep doing this, can't keep reacting like this. You and Reagan will have to get a long for Amy's sake, for her happiness but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't stop the words that are seared in your throat from trying to get out.
It doesn't make loving her so much any better.
"Hey, hey, hey," Oliver says, pulling you tightly into his chest. You rest your head on his shoulder and close your eyes, trying to force back the tears. "It'll be okay, I've got you. If you need to leave, just say the word and I've got you." He pulls you even closer and for a moment, for a very brief moment you forget about the hurt, for a moment everything feels a little better. Better until you hear a not-so-subtle-cough from Amy.
"Hey, Karms." You pull away from Oliver and wipe your face. "What's up?" She frowns and moves closer, placing her arms on you and you shiver. "What's wrong?" You catch sight of Reagan rolling her eyes and take a breath, willing your voice to stay strong.
"Hey, guys." You pathetically wave in Reagan's direction. "Nothing's wrong. Just me getting over emotional over song lyrics again." Amy smirks, Reagan scoffs.
"Stupid, you know you shouldn't talk about music in public." She nudges your shoulder with her own. "Especially if I'm not here to cheer you up." She hugs you. "My emotional, girl." You note the tension flood into Reagan's body and the crease in her brow that gets deeper by the moment. You pull away.
"Hey, Reagan. How's it going?" You look her in the eye and forge a smile. She tries to give you one back but you're both aware how unconvincing it is. She looks around the room.
"It's going good. Hey, I'll be right back. I'll just go get me and Amy a drink. Do you guys want anything?" She looks and you and Oliver
"Nah, we're good," Oliver answers for you. Amy frowns. You frown as Reagan lets go of her hand and walks away, smiling. Reagan knows, she must know about how you feel and yet Amy cannot see it or chooses to ignore it. You hope it's not the latter.
"So…this is a nice party," Amy says, taking in the sight of girl after girl grinding and dancing with their male counterparts. The place smells so strong of alcohol, you can almost taste it and the smell of sweat doesn't make it any more bearable.
"It's pretty cool, y'know, as far as house parties go and…yeah." Oliver rubs the back of his neck and you can't help but be charmed by his shy personality. You smile at him. "Cait should be here soon." Amy frowns.
"She's a friend of mine and Oliver's. You'll like her." You spot Caitlyn walk through the door. The pink highlights in her hair act like a beacon to you and you honestly do think her and Amy will get along. Their attitudes and use of sarcasm tell you that. "Hey, she's there." Oliver waves her over.
"We'll just go get Cait a drink." His smile seems so much more sincere, it melts your heart a little.
It's just you and Amy, now. You look down and stand, shuffling from foot to foot next to Amy. She grabs your hand and nudges your shoulder.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just tired, y'know?"
"Then why are you here, stupid?" Your face softens and your smile becomes less indulgent and more sincere. You reach for her hand. You can't help but note how good she looks in the blue shirt and tight trousers she's wearing. Your hands are almost shaking with the need to touch her but you can't.
"To see you, idiot."
"Yeah, but—"
"Hey, here ya go," Reagan says, coming back and thrusting a red plastic cup between you both. You let go of Amy's hand and take a step back. You turn your head but still manage to catch a glimpse of the kiss Reagan supplies her with. Amy looks shocked for a few moments before responding.
"Thanks."
"Welcome, Shrimp girl."
"Well hello there, ladies," Caitlyn says, smoothly pulling your arm until you crash into her. She hugs you tight and you relax into it.
"Hey, you."
"So…Caitlyn, this is Reagan and Amy. Amy, Reagan, this is Caitlyn." Amy puts her hand out for Caitlyn to shake. You raise one eyebrow and smirk at the strangeness of your best friend.
"Well hey there. It's nice to meet you guys." She pulls Amy into a hug and touches Reagan's arm. "So you're the famous Amy, then?" Caitlyn quirks an eyebrow, sizing Amy up.
"I guess so." Amy shrugs and looks away.
"And you must be the girlfriend?" Reagan looks shocked for a few moments before nodding her head in agreement.
"Yup, this is the one and only Amy and yes, that's her girlfriend," you say. "How've you been, Cait?"
"Not too bad, not too bad. Being home-schooled sucks. There's so much work to do and no one to hang out with." She nudges Oliver's shoulder. He blushes and pushes his glasses up. "Anyways, let's go have a dance, Ol. It's time to party."
"N-no. It's okay. I mean, I'll stay with Karma." He shrugs. "And besides, you know I can't really dance." She shrugs. Oliver looks at you, apologetically. You know he's trying to help, trying to not leave you alone with them but you want him to have fun.
"So? Karma's got Amy and Reagan. And we won't be gone long. C'mon, Ol." You smile.
"Yeah, go on, Ol. Have some fun. Come find me a later and then I can get my dance on with you both, too."
"Ha. Shorty, you ain't got nothing on my moves but I'll be happy to let you join us and embarrass you with my skills." Oliver scoffs. Caitlyn winks at you and you can't stop the smile on your face if you tried.
Reagan is smirking, amused at the scene before her and you expect Amy to react the same. She doesn't. She frowns and looks down and you wonder what's wrong but don't voice the question. It's not your place to with her girlfriend around.
"Are you sure it's okay, Karms? I mean, I really don't mind staying with you, y'know? That's fine, too and I'll have fun." You unwind his arms and push him towards Caitlyn.
"I'm positive. Go have fun. I order you to have fun."
"Ay, ay, Captain." Caitlyn salutes. "Let's move." She holds Oliver's hand and pulls him towards an empty space for them to dance. You watch for a few minutes, watch Ollie's awkward two step that's slightly out of rhythm, watch the way Caitlyn moves her hips and smiles indulgently at him. She reaches for his hands and pulls him closer. You can see his blush from here.
"So," Amy says, snapping your attention away from the happy scene in front of you to the awkward one you're part of. "Shall we go sit down or something?" She tilts her head in the direction of a half empty sofa. There's a girl sitting on a guy's lap and you hope you're not stuck next to them. You know what will happen soon. Before you can answer, she pulls on both yours and Reagan's hands. Reagan's face goes blank and you're pretty sure that's not a good thing but you didn't encourage any of this, you didn't even agree to sitting down.
You catch Oliver's eyes. He grimaces but you smile encouragingly at him and Caitlyn, who's slightly frowning. You know you'll have to fill her in soon, just so she understands but you're not looking forward to it.
As soon as you all sit down – you thankfully, furthest away from the couple at the other end of the sofa – it quickly gets awkward and you quickly wish Amy never came up with this idea. Reagan has her arm around Amy's shoulders and keeps throwing you looks you can't decipher but you know they're not good. The look of anger and dislike in her eyes makes you squirm and makes Amy notice you even more.
You think it's ridiculous, what Reagan's doing. You know Amy isn't yours. Reagan has nothing to prove.
But then it hits you. She doesn't know that, she doesn't know that you've given up the fight. All she knows is that you're possessive and – from that look she gave you that night – you know, she knew how you felt about Amy before you did. She knew before anyone else and she didn't even know you.
You down your drink and grimace as it slides down and sears you throat.
"Hey, Aims." You try your best to smile and sell it the best you can. "Can you go get me a drink?" They both frown at your suggestion but you give her the 'I-look-like-a-lost-puppy' look and she gives in. Reagan looks annoyed and you understand why but this is for the greater good, this is for Amy so you'll endure it for her.
"Do you want anything?" she asks Reagan. You look away as Reagan pulls her down and kisses her. You remember what it was like the kiss her. The softness of her lips on your, the sweet taste of her on your lips.
You wish you didn't know.
"Nah, I think I'm good, now." Reagan smirks at you. You try to smile back and it throws Reagan off for a moment. You are more convincing than you realise.
"Okay. I'll be right back."
And you thought things were awkward before but it's nothing compared to now. Your skin almost crawls as the tension ratchets higher and higher. You're both sitting as far apart as you can and she's trying to ignore you but you know what you have to do. You're calling a truce now in the only way you know how and you hope she understands that. This is your last chance to make Amy happy and by God, you're going to succeed.
"Hey. So…I never did say sorry about that night."
"No, you didn't."
"So, I guess…I mean…I'm sorry and." You grab your bag and begin looking through it. "Gotcha. And, here." You hand over an epi-pen. You hope she understands why you're doing this.
"Er-why?" She shakes her head. "I mean-I mean, thanks, Karma but shouldn't you keep this? Amy gave it to you for a reason, right…so?" She frowns but something tells you that for once, she's not angry at you.
"No. I don't eat peanut butter and after an accident once, my parents label everything in the house that Amy can't eat so we never have to worry, know? And we never eat out together anymore so…you should have it." You look around the room, anywhere but at Reagan. Something inside of your shifts and you feel too vulnerable to show her, to let her see that she wins. "Y'know, just in case. I mean, you're her girlfriend an all, right." You shrug. "So it makes sense, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess." She smiles. She's never smiled sincerely at you before and you see how different she looks, how pretty she is when she does.
"Yeah. So…apology accepted?" You look sheepish. She nods decisively once.
"Yeah, sure." She plays with the epi-pen, rolling it between her fingers and takes a deep breath. "I mean, I know I get jealous but you guys are so close and I mean, you fucking pretended to be girlfriends. It's just hard not to get jealous.
"I know. I get it but we're best friends, y'know? We're going to spend time together but." You shrug and look away. "But you don't have to be jealous. Amy really likes you and I just want her to be happy."
"I do, too."
"So it's settled, right? We're good, yeah?"
"As good as we can be, Queenie."
"Cool. So, I'm gonna go." You point vaguely behind you. "I'm gonna go find Oliver. He's taking me home and I've got to get in that dance remember." You both laugh and it doesn't sound believable to either of you.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay. I mean, Amy's getting you a drink and wasn't the point that we spend time together?"
"No. It's okay. Look after her though, right? I mean, we both know this isn't her scene and she'll probably get herself into trouble." She laughs. "And we can get to know each other another time." You take a deep breath and try to stop the lump in your throat from choking you.
"I'll look after Shrimp girl, don't worry 'bout that."
"Okay. Well, I'll see ya around." You wave and she does so back.
"See ya and Karma?" You turn to face her. "Thank you. I get it and thanks. I'm sorry 'bout that night, too. I was a bit of jerk but like I said, I'm a little possessive, sometimes."
"It's okay. No hard feelings or something." You shrug. "Bye." You walk away and begin searching for Oliver. He finds you first.
"Hey, Karms. I've just been looking for you."
"Yeah, well here I am." You open your arms to make your point and feel the tears begin to fall. Your voice cracks as you try to speak. "Hey, Ol, can we-can we go home?" He doesn't respond, just pulls you to him and begins walking you out towards his car.
"I'll just text Cait and see if she's coming with us." You wipe your face.
"I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey, hey. None of that. C'mere." He pulls you close and you hold on as if your life depended on it. You can't let anything else go, yet.
The lump in your throat gets bigger and the urge to hurt comes back in full force. You know what you did was right, you know you have to let some parts of her go but now you feel emptier than ever before, now you feel like something's missing and it is. Your soul mate is gone and what's worse, you know she's happy without you. You can never have her back like you did when you were just pretending, you can never love her like you want to, so badly.
You drop to your knees and Oliver does his best to cushion your fall.
"Hey, what's going on," you hear Caitlyn say. "Hey, what's wrong with Karma." You feel her come behind you and wrap her arms around you. You're sandwiched between two of your friends and yet you've never felt more alone because you don't have her. Oliver rests his chin on your head before he speaks.
"I'll explain later but we need to get her out of here and home."
They help lift and guide you towards the backseat of Oliver's car. You try to help but feel so weak and drained. You don't understand why it hurts so bad, why you feel so lost. All you can see is Amy and Reagan living life happily together and you can't even be angry at them for it. You have no one but yourself to blame for everything that happened.
Caitlyn sits beside you and strokes you hair as you cry into her shoulder. She smells warm, safe, like cinnamon at Christmas on a cold winter's day but it's not enough to comfort you, she doesn't smell like home.
Oliver and Caitlyn sit in silence and all that can be heard is your sobbing and music. You cry until you can't breathe. Tears blind you. Your heartbeat becomes an earthquake, shattering everything inside of you until it all fades to black and you can't even hear Oliver's radio anymore.
You're alone.
You're alone. The thought reverberates through your brain as you regain consciousness. You don't know what happened. One minute you're crying, the next, oxygen feels like it's trapped in your throat and can't reach your lungs, your blood feels like it's rushing through your veins too fast, your head feels empty and full at the same time and then there's nothing.
You look over and spot someone lying next to you. You frown and turn on the light next to your bed. You squint and your eyes begin to water as the light floods your vision.
Caitlyn lies, curled tightly on the opposite side of your bed. She's burrowed under a pile of blankets and her face looks so peaceful, so young as she lies there, her blonde hair framing her and making her look angelic.
You frown as the cliché thoughts running through your mind and shake your head. That's when you notice, notice how your head is pounding and your throat is dry. Your lips feel like they'll crack if they move them. Your skin feels sticky, sweaty and you wish you had the energy to get in the shower.
You swing your legs over and nearly fall as you stumble to lean against a wall. Your legs feel like wet paper as you try to take a step. You spot Oliver on the floor and watch him awake from his slumber.
You must have made too much noise.
You vaguely remember waking up as Oliver lifted you up the stairs to the tune of your Caitlyn's frightened whispers but otherwise, you don't know what happened.
Your breathing is heavy and tiredness settles over you in full force. You wish more than anything that you could sleep for more than a few hours, again but you're scared to dream. Even the good ones, if they involve her become bad and leave an ache that goes deeper than flesh and bones.
"Hey, are you okay? You should get back in bed." Oliver says, walking towards you. You nod your head and try to lean on the wall a little less.
"Water," you croak out.
"Okay. I'll get you some but let's get you into bed."
"Thanks."
"No worries." He guides you, arm around his shoulders, to your bed "I'll be right back, okay?" You nod as he tucks you in. Caitlyn still rests easily on the left side of your bed.
Before you know it, you're downing a glass of water that Oliver gave you. The coldness settles in your bones and wakes you up a little. You register that thought again.
You're alone.
The realisation knocks the air out of your lungs. Who are you without her? It's been the two of you for as long as you can remember, you're soul mates but now a part of her is missing, a part of you is missing and now nothing makes sense.
"How're you feeling?"
"Tired."
"Yeah, of course." It's silent for a few moments before he asks: "what-what happened?" You burrow your head into your pillow. He leans over you, sitting on the edge of your bed and rubbing your back.
"I don't know." You shrug and face him. "I guess-I mean…I've just got to move on but it's so hard, y'know?"
"I know."
"And I don't know what to do. I had my chance and blew it but I didn't know. I didn't know how I felt. I didn't." You're frantic now. "How could I have known? Why didn't I know? I'm so stupid."
"Hey, hey. I know, I know. It's going to be okay. It will, I promise." He leans down and holds you as you cry for the umpteenth time. "Shh. It'll all be okay. I've got you. I mean, I know it hasn't been long but we're real good friends now, right Karms?" You nod your head in agreement. "And you know good friends are always there for each other. I'm not going anywhere," he whispers into your hair and for a few moments, nothing but both of your breathing can be heard.
"Thank you. I just-thank you," you say once you calm down.
"You don't have to thank me. Just know I'm there if you need me, okay? You should get some sleep now. Everything's better with a little sleep." You doubt him but at least he's trying, at least he's hair whilst Amy is probably fucking Reagan. You groan into your pillow and try to banish the images invading your mind.
"Can you-can you lie with me? I mean, you don't have to if it's weird or you don't want to but…yeah?"
"Oh. Of course, of course. Whatever you need." Even though it's dark, you can imagine the blush flooding his face and you feel a little bit at ease. You like the predictability of Oliver, the way you know him so easily, even though it hasn't been long since you officially met.
You pull back the covers and he climbs over, sliding in the middle and laying on his back, arms resting on his stomach as he awkwardly looks at the ceiling. You pull the covers over you and turn around, staring into the darkness that's always there, now.
"Thanks, Ol. You're the best," you whisper.
"I am, aren't I?" You laugh and turn around, resting your head on his chest. His arms stay where they are and you feel how tense his body is.
"I'm sorry, too, Ol."
"What for?"
"Ruining your night. I know you and Cait where having a good time. You hear his heartbeat increase. "I'm just…sorry."
"You don't need to be. It's fine. We hang out all the time." You sigh.
"Yeah, but tonight you were making progress and I just-I just got in the way." His heartbeat it at full throttle now and you feel him fidget against you.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not stupid, Ol. I know you like her but I won't say anything. I'm just sorry I ruined it, that's all. You're the best guy a girl could ask for. Caitlyn's really lucky, y'know?"
"Hey, be careful there, Karms. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were hitting on me." You scoff.
"Sorry, dude. You're not my type. You're not blonde enough and sarcastic enough for me."
"But I am sexy, right?" You laugh and pat his chest.
"You really are the best."
"I know, I know. Now sleep, you're exhausted."
"Okay. G'night."
"Good night. Sweet dreams, Karms, sweet dreams." You hear him yawn and exhaustion settles over you.
You don't know if it's because you're just that tired, Oliver being here or a combination of the two but you awake, refreshed and not a bad dream in sight. You didn't dream of her loving and touching and pleasing you, you didn't dream of her hurting and hating and punishing you. There was just blackness and emptiness and it feels so good, so refreshing to you.
You really need to get over it, get over her and start living your life. You've got new friends to help, you're beginning to let her go, you have to move on.
You check your phone. It's 11:43am and you notice a text from Amy, sent at 4:13am and frown. Surely she must have been sleeping or otherwise occupied by then.
You glance over and frown as you notice Oliver and Cait aren't in the room. You decide to quickly read Amy's text before going to find them:
Hey, shorty. I spoke to Reagan about what happened last night. You didn't even say bye I'm glad you're trying to get along but we need to talk. I'll see you later today, okay?
Love you. XX
You don't know how to respond to her so you don't, instead you send a text to Liam, the guy you fucked and forgot. You know it was a jerk move but he would have done the same so you don't mind. You send a quick 'I'm sorry' before getting up. Just as you reach the door, Oliver walks in, tray in hand.
"Breakfast in bed, milady." Cait follows behind and smiles at you. You wonder if they've spoken, if he told her and now she knows. You both hope he did and he didn't.
"Okay, now I'm really serious. How lucky can a girl get?" He sets the tray down next to you. You feel like you've just won the best big brother in the world. "I mean it, y'know, I really do appreciate you and all you've done for me." He shrugs and looks away but you reach out to hug him. You catch Cait frowning slightly before she wipes the expression away. You smirk.
"Er, thanks, Karms. I just-I mean, we just wanted to make you feel better, y'know?"
"Yeah." Cait shrugs. "And if you need to talk or anything, we're here. I mean, I know I don't know what's going on and I don't go to Hester but…I'm here-we're here." You smile and will back the tears. You really need to stop crying so much.
"You guys want some?" You hold your fork out with a slice of fruit on it.
"Nah, we're good. Ol cooked us something. We're full." She flops down on your bed, arms outstretched.
"Oh, cool. Thanks guys, you're awesome."
"No worries, short stack," Cait says and Oliver sits precariously on the edge of your bed, smiling.
"Hey, I am not short."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too." You place your food aside and hit him with a pillow.
"Are not."
"Hey, sorry to interrupt," your mother says, poking her head into the room. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
"And who are these lovely people?"
"Oh, this is Oliver and Cait. I go to school with them."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'll leave you guys alone. See you later. Love you, baby." You hide your face and try to repress the blush that's working its way across your face.
Oliver and Caitlyn laugh and that's how you spend your day, eating, laughing and joking alongside Ol and Cait. You don't even realise how much time has passed until you hear Amy walk into your room.
When she sees Oliver and Cait, she freezes momentarily but you notice.
"Hey, guys," she says.
"Hey." Oliver checks his watch. "I think it's time we head home." He hugs you and Cait does, too.
"Yeah, we'll text you later. Call either of us if you need someone." She kisses your cheek, you hug back a little tighter.
"Thanks for everything, guys. I'll see you later."
"Bye." Amy says and lifts her hand as if to wave. They smile and wave back before the room is silent.
"So—"
"So, we-we need to talk?" you say.
"Yeah. But first, I brought this back." She hands you her epi-pen. You frown.
"Why?"
"Because I gave it to you, not Reagan and I like knowing you have it." She shrugs. "You'll always be there if I need it, anyways, you always are." You smile.
"I just thought."
"No, you kinda didn't. If I wanted Reagan to have one, I'd have given her one, stupid. Now c'mere." She opens her arms for you and you don't hesitate. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you." It's a while before you both separate. You're so confused over your friendship. Was it always like this? How could you have not known how you felt if it always was? "How was the party?" You turn away and begin getting your things together to shower.
"It was alright," she shrugs. "but you left so it was kinda no fun pointing out stupid things about people. Even Reagan looked a little confused."
"She did?"
"Yeah."
"I was just exhausted."
"Oh, okay." She sits on your bed and you sit next to her.
"Yeah."
"You know I'm here, too, right?" You look over to her.
"I know but you've been busy and I've just been tired and stuff. You know me, I'm always okay."
"We both know that's not true, idiot. You're like a toddler when you're tired or upset. And you know you're more important that Reagan, right? I mean, you're my best friend so that makes you special. Well, to me it does." She shrugs. You frown.
"You're my best friend, you're special to me, too. I mean, I know I've been an idiot with Liam but you're still special."
"Yeah, sorry." She traces patterns on your blanket. "Just doesn't feel like it sometimes." You place the things in your hands down, walk to the top of your bed and get a pillow before throwing it at her, and hitting her in the head.
"You're such so stupid sometimes." You roll your eyes and cross your arms in front of your chest. She looks at you, brow furrowed. "I picked you, even when you were being a jerk and ignoring me."
"And I picked you," she shouts back as loud as she does. "Even now, when you're ignoring my texts, I'm still here picking you."
"I got distracted, that's all." She scoffs.
"Distracted by Oliver, your new man of the week." You laugh in disbelief. It's loud, booming and comes from deep within your abdomen.
"Oliver? Are you serious right now? And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one." You shake your head. "Just for your information, I don't fuck every guy I see. You don't know the half of it. And we're supposed to be best friends, right?" You swallow down the lump building in your throat. "I think you should go."
"Karms, I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"
"No. Just go. Go pick Reagan and leave me alone." You begin to walk away before she grabs your wrist. You pull away and stand in front of her, arms crossed.
"Karma, c'mon. I'm sorry. It's just, we hardly spend time together and all this stuff's going on with you but you won't tell me and I'm scared." You frown. "I'm scared because we don't talk and a guy came between us. I mean, we're getting past it but what if I lose you? I need you in my life but it feels like all we do is spend time apart or argue." She deflates. "I just miss how it used to be, before I messed it all up." Your face hardens and your body tenses at that last sentence. You want to scream but instead, grit your teeth.
"You didn't mess anything up." Something akin to a growl comes from you. "I'm not making your feelings an issue, you are."
"Yeah, because unlike you, I can't just ignore them." It hurts. It hurts that she has no idea just how much you can't ignore them. "I can't pretend like I'm not in love with you. I may not cry at stupid movies and song lyrics but I hurt." She hits her chest to make her point and you notice the tears coming from her eyes.
You can't stand it when she cries and lately, it's always because of you. Lately, you've seen her cry more times in a few months than the rest of your friendship combined.
You want to hold her, hug her, make everything better but you're too raw, everything's too much so you don't.
"Yeah, well so do I. You're not the only one." She scoffs and you see the anger re-ignite inside of her.
"And the world doesn't revolve around poor little Karma, y'know?" she spits at you. "I'm so sick and tired of you thinking you have it any worse than the rest of us. We hurt and cry, too. We want to fit in. You're not so special." You take a few steps back and look at her, look at what you've done to your best friend. She looks feral, sneering in anger at you. There's no more tears, she's hardened herself to them, to you now.
You don't say anything, just turn and pick up your things for a shower. She doesn't chase after you this time, not like she used to and you didn't expect her to. Not now.
You burn. Your skin is red raw and it hurts but you can't turn the temperature down now. Your arms and forehead rest against the wall as you let the scalding water run down your back. You wonder how this happened, how your friendship, the best one in your life managed to get so damaged, how you managed to break your best friend. That's how you know, that's how you know that you should leave her alone, you should stop hurting her and let her live her life.
You cry. You cry and it comes from a place deeper than you've ever known. If you hadn't have realised, if you didn't love her like you do, everything would be okay. How can you both love each other so much and it ruin everything?
When your skin feels sore, when every drop of water feels like a needle stuck in your skin, you get out of the shower and head towards your room.
You know she won't be there but it still hurts when you walk into an empty room. Is this it? Is this how it'll end? You sit on the bed and look blindly ahead of you. There's a note beside you but you can't bring yourself to read it. You can't bring yourself to think that all those years, all those times you were there for each other will be over.
You see her. You see her seven year old self, curled up on her sofa watching cartoon whilst she was ill. You skipped school that day and found the spare door key to sneak in and cheer her up. Both your parents were furious when they found out (it didn't take ten minutes for you to be discovered) but it was worth it to see her sick face light up in a smile. And even though you caught her illness, too, it was worth it.
She's always been worth it.
You take a deep breath before picking up the note. The paper shakes along with your hands and you will your eyes not to close, you will your eyes to take in the words and process them. If this is the end, you'll accept it. For her happiness, you'll accept it.
Friday night, I'll be here. We need to talk. Keep this weekend free.
Amy
You take a deep breath and place the note in your drawer, in your drawer where you keep important things that remind you of her. If this weekend is the end, you'll catalogue every memory, even the bad ones and cherish them.
A/N:
Sorry this chapter is so long. Well, not really, only if it annoys you. I know it's much more 'angsty' than the previous version but Karmy will happen in the future, we just need to get through the ups and downs of that, first.
Also, let me know if you prefer the new or old version of this story! If most people prefer the old one, I guess I could stop working on this new version (though I do like it better, myself).
I hope you enjoyed reading. If you didn't, I am sorry! I really am!
A
P.S. if you have Tumblr, let me know. I need more Karmy on my dash!