Chapter 6: Thinking 'Bout You – Frank Ocean
'Yes, of course, I remember, how could I forget? How you feel?
You know, you were my first time, a new feel.
And it won't ever get old, not in my soul not in my spirit, keep it alive.
We'll go down this road 'til it turns from color to black and white.
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever. (Oooh)'
"So how'd things go with Reagan?" you ask, tearing apart the food in front of you. She smiles and Oliver throws a sad smile your way.
"It was good. We're good. Thursday's are our night, now." You smile and hope it's believable but it doesn't matter, Amy's looking down at her phone smiling.
"That's good. That's really good, Aims."
"Yeah," Oliver cuts in. "Oh, before I forget, we'll pick you up around 10 Saturday, okay?"
"Sure. I'm looking forward to it. How's Cait? I haven't spoken to her in a while."
"She's good but I'd suggest you call her soon." He smirks at you. "I think she's missed having a girl around to talk to." You smile and try to think when you can call her, when you can talk to her and say thanks for her keeping your secrets, even from Oliver.
"I will."
"Speak of the Devil," Oliver says, looking behind you. You turn and notice Cait walking towards you.
"Hey, sexy beasts." Everyone throws a 'hi' her way and Amy looks at her confused, amused but confused. "Where've you been hiding?" she says, sitting next to you and nudging you with her elbow.
"I've been spending time with Amy."
"Yeah, sorry I stole her back for a few days." Cait smiles.
"No worries since you brought her back in tip top condition. You're looking good, Mama." She shimmies in front of you before leaning in for a hug. "Just don't forget to text me sometimes so I know you're alive."
"Sorry, I got distracted." You catch sight of Amy's frown turning into a smirk that matches the one on Caitlyn's face. Oliver blushes with a grin in place. "Not like that, idiots." Everyone starts to chuckle and you feel at peace, you feel happy with the three friends that matter to you surrounding you.
"Hey, ladies, Oliver," Shane says, nodding to each of you as he sits next to Amy.
"Hi. Oh, this is Shane, Shane this is Caitlyn. She's a friend of mine and Oliver's."
"Oh, it's so nice to meet you. I haven't seen you around here before."
"Yeah, I don't go to school here. I just drop in to check on my two Bae's."
"Bae?" Oliver questions and you look at him with an equally confused expression on your face. She rolls her eyes, mirroring Shane's expression and you catch Amy smirking and smile at the sight.
Everything runs smoothly, everything is okay until he sits down next to Oliver. You feel the tension around the table and want to run, want to escape and breathe and leave but you don't. You don't because everyone needs to move on from this, everyone needs to see that you and Liam aren't anything anymore.
"Hey guys," he says. Amy squares her shoulders and bites her teeth together.
"Hey, Lee. How're you doing?" Shane says, trying to diffuse the tension by pretending everything is normal.
"I'm good. I've just been busy with school and art and stuff."
"Cool." Caitlyn sits, confused at where the tension is coming from. You should have told her this part of the story but you didn't think she'd need to know. Oliver looks at you and you can see how concerned he is. You swallow down your fear and clear your throat.
"How's the artwork going?"
"Good, good."
"That's good." You smile and it looks much more like a grimace.
"How's the music going?" he asks and everyone just sits in silence, listening.
"Really well. I've been writing a lot, y'know? And it's just…yeah, it's going well."
"Good."
"Yeah. Well, I should go-yeah, should go. It was nice meeting you, Cait and nice catching up with you all." He looks at you for a few moments and you see, you finally see that he's not as bad, as horrible as people think. He's just a guy trying to do his best but getting it wrong a lot. You smile. "I'm glad you're doing so well, Karma. I can't wait until I buy your music and tell my grandchildren about this famous girl I used to go to school with." You're still smiling and you wish, you wish you didn't hurt him and he didn't ruin things between you and Amy. If that had never happened, you could've been such good friends.
"Thank you. It means a lot. I'm glad your artwork is going well. I'm sure you'll make it big time." He smiles and walks away and it feels as if everyone can breathe again now. Amy looks at you with a weird look on her face but you just smile and shrug and so she smiles back.
Everyone dives back into conversation and you just soak in the lightness of the moment.
Maybe things will be okay. Maybe you can really get over her now.
—
Time slips passed you so much, lately.
It's already Saturday. You're at a party and god knows whose house with Oliver and Cait. You pull down the dark green dress that's currently riding up your thigh before looking around, making sure nobody saw you.
You catch Cait smirking at you, eyes sparkling in amusement and stick your tongue out at her. She smiles and grabs your hand, pulling you along with her.
"Stop fidgeting, Poison Ivy and let's go have some fun." She pulls you towards a wall and Oliver follows. "Wait here and I'll come back with drinks for us all." You both stand there, wearily looking around the room. You smile as you think of how much Oliver stands out. His white pressed shirt and dark jeans a stark contrast to the t-shirts and shorts the other guys in the room are wearing.
You take in the sights. The night is in full swing. Hips are grinding, music is blasting and alcohol is spilling over. For a moment you're unsure before you decide, fuck it, you want to have fun, you want to enjoy yourself and forget all the heartache, all the sadness you've been carrying around. Amy is moving on so why can't you try? Why can't you have some fun and just let go.
"Hey, Karma," Liam says, standing beside you and making you jump. You wonder how he always manages to be at the same parties as you, how he always manages to be everywhere when you just want to forget.
"Hey." It's slightly awkward and Oliver moves closer to you.
"You look good," he says, taking another sip of the unknown substance in his cup.
"Thanks."
"What're you doing here?"
"Just parting. Having fun, y'know?" He nods his head a couple times and notices Oliver's protective stance next to you. Oliver who has his hand on your arm and stands facing Liam.
"Nice to see you again, Oliver."
"Good to see you." It doesn't sound believable to anyone but at least he's making the effort to be civil to Liam. You know Oliver blames Liam for some of what happened and you kind of feel bad. You know everything is really your fault.
"I better go find Shane, save him from getting in trouble or something. It was good seeing you. Have a good night, guys." He turns and walks away, getting lost in a myriad of people and you exhale in relief. Now you can let go, now you can have fun.
"Was that Liam I just saw?" Cait asks, carrying three cups that have liquid spilling over the edges. You take two out of her hands and hand one to Oliver. "Thanks."
"Yeah, he just said hi and left."
"Oh, cool." She sips her drink and you and Oliver copy her.
Before you know it, your cup is empty and you still feel parched.
"Let's go get another drink." Oliver throws you a look you can't quite decipher. "I'm just loosening up, having some fun, Ol." You grab his face in your hand and laugh at the way his lips pout. "You should, too. Right, Cait?"
"Amen to that. Loosen up, Ol. Come have some fun with us ladies." He smiles and obligingly follows you both to get more drinks.
—
Before you know, you're beyond tipsy and you know, you know that the alcohol is why you're doing this, why you're pressed against this girl with your hands on her hips but you don't care, you don't care because it feels good. God does it feel good to feel her softness, her gentleness, her feminine curves that are under your command. It's so different, so different from the hard contours you're used to. It's like silk and you vaguely acknowledge that maybe Amy isn't just an exception, maybe you like girls, too. Of course you still like guys but everything feels so different, incomparable, nice. It just feels so nice.
The music gets it's inside of you. Melodies extend through the fingers as your arms wrap themselves around her and stroke her skin. You're not even really sure who 'her' is but you know you like this.
She pulls your hips closer, creating a steady rhythm of push and pull between your bodies. Your hips moving and swaying with hers, the friction creating a delicious tension that creates goosebumps all over your skin. You're heating up but you don't know if it's because of her or because it's just that hot in here.
You run your hands up her hips, up her sides and wrap one hand around her neck, the other tangled in her blonde hair.
She kisses your neck. You never realised a kiss could be so different, so gentle, so soft, so mind numbingly delicious that shivers run down your spine. Your breathing becomes heavy. She takes your hand and leads you away from the dance floor and you find yourself with your back to the wall.
The kissing doesn't stop.
It's just so…different. Different from Liam's rough kisses, different from Amy's tentative ones. It's hard, but not too hard with just enough passion for enjoyment. There's no love here and you love it. There's no pressure, no judgement, no anything but pure animalistic pleasure and for once, you find something other than music and Amy to thrive off of.
She runs a hand over your skin and it settles on your ass as she pulls your hips closer but you don't care.
You don't care that Shane and Liam have probably seen the show you're giving, you don't care that everyone here might gossip and question you. You don't care because why should you? You're young, you're having fun and it just feels so good.
Somebody taps your arm and you hear the mystery girl groan.
"What?" Her voice is gravel and dust and it rains over you. You love the husky tone to it. It's not as perfect as Amy's voice but it's nice, sensual.
"Sorry to interrupt," Oliver says. "But it's time for us to go, Karms," he says, lightly grabbing your arm and encouraging you to move. His jaw is tense, everything about him looks a little tense. You smile.
"Loosen up, Ol. It's party time, right?" He smiles indulgently at you.
"Yeah, it was party time but now it's home time."
"Hey, she doesn't have to leave if she doesn't want to," mystery girl says, brushes your hair behind your ear. You look at Oliver a few seconds longer, trying to will the dizziness away.
"It's okay. He's my ride home and I should leave now, anyways." You turn to face the girl and offer and smile. She smiles back and you like how pretty her brown eyes are, how bright and shiny they are. You can see glimpses of Amy in her but you know she's not her. You smile. This could be just the distraction you need. "I hope to see you again, Diamond eyes." She smiles and bites her lip.
"Oh you will see me again if I have any say in it." She winks and you giggle. You catch sight of Oliver looking away, trying to be respectful even though he's embarrassed. You giggle again.
You begin to walk away before you feel a soft hand, gently tug at your arm.
"Hey, pretty girl," diamond eyes says, smiling at you. "Give me your cell, I'll give you my number." You look at her for a few moments and notice once again how good she looks. Blue is certainly her colour as her dress clings to her curves.
You absentmindedly bite your lip and inhale.
"Sure, here ya go." You hand over your phone and watch as she puts her number in. Once she hands it back, you look and see her name's Danny.
"It was good to meet you," she kisses you cheek. "Get home safe." She turns and walks away. You admire the sway of her hips and remember what they feel like in your hands. She looks back and throws a wink your way before disappearing.
Oliver coughs.
"So, let's go?" You look at him for a few moments. The alcohol is wearing off but you still feel pretty good. You notice his frown deepen, the way his jaw clenches tight once again.
"What's up, Ol? This was your idea. Get over someone by getting under someone, right?"
"I know." He holds his hands up at face level and shrugs. "Liam." He sighs. "Liam saw you guys dancing. He was gonna walk over but I stopped him." He shrugs again. You're completely sober now. You knew Liam or Shane would see. You knew it. But it's only now that you care, only now that you realise the consequences. What if Amy finds out? What if she gets angry? What if other people find out?
"Oh."
"Yeah. He didn't look too happy but it doesn't matter. You had a good time, I had a good time, Cait had a good time." You look around for her but you don't see her.
"Where is she?"
"She's in the car, waiting." You're grateful he's here. You're grateful he looks after you all so well.
"Sorry, Ol," you say, sheepishly.
"S'okay but I think we should head home. It's 3am already and I'm tired." He looks embarrassed but you just wrap an arm around him and head out.
"Let's go home. My feet are killing me." You've danced for hours, they really do hurt. You lean on him as you whip your shoes off and begin walking, bare foot to the car.
Oliver drives you both home. You feel bad. He always stays sober, always does things to cheer you up and you left him all night.
"I really am sorry." You yawn. "I shouldn't have disappeared all night."
"It's fine. I knew where you were and you were enjoying yourself. That was the point, right?"
"Yeah, I guess. So, what did you get up to?"
"Danced with a few girls, danced with Cait." He nods to the rear of the car, never taking his eyes off the road. You turn and notice the brunette, head tossed against the window as she lightly snores. You scoff.
"Classy as ever." You both laugh. "So you and little lady there had a dance, eh?" He blushes and doesn't respond. "Did you show her your sexy moves? Show her how those hips work?" He coughs and doesn't say a thing, his blush deepening and you laugh. You laugh and it feels real and comes from deep within your stomach.
Today has been a good day. No matter what happens, today has been good.
"It was good to just have fun and let go a little, y'know?" He asks, glancing at you before focusing on the road again.
"Yeah, I get you."
"So, anyways, enough about me and Cait. What about you and your lady friend?" You smile and look away for a moment, formulating your response. You didn't talk much but you think you could be pretty good friends. She made you laugh more than once and she has a damn nice body to look at, to feel.
"She's nice."
"Nice? Is that all you have to say?"
"I don't really know what to say. We talked, we danced, we had fun. That was the point, right?"
"Right." He nods his head in agreement and stops the car outside your house. He nudges you with his elbow. "So, you're a real lady lover, eh?" He always knows how to make you laugh.
"Kinda? Maybe? I don't know. I liked how she made me feel, I like how Amy makes me feel but I also liked Liam, too, y'know?"
"Ah. So you like both, huh?"
"Maybe." You shrug. "I guess it doesn't matter, anymore. I'm single and my parents and Amy will accept me no matter what so…I guess I should just have…fun?"
He smiles and hugs you as well as he can within the confines of the car.
"I'm glad you had a good night, Karms. Sleep well."
"Night, Ol. Thanks for everything. You're the best." You kiss his cheek before getting out of the car. "Tell Cait I had a good time, too." You slam the door shut and head towards your house.
Once you're at your door, you wave at him before entering your house. You lean against the door and smile. Tonight has been a very good night.
—
"What the fuck?"
You knew it. You knew she would find out but you didn't expect it to be so soon. Your head is pounding and the sunlight burns a little.
"What?" Your voice is much more hoarse than usual. You need water. You mouth tastes disgusting and you feel disgusting but you briefly smile as some of the memories from last night come back. You smile until you realise how furious Amy looks right now.
"So you're making out with random girls now?" You groan and try to burrow deeper into your pillow. She pulls your blankets off. You turn and glare angrily at her.
"Hey, I was comfortable." She stands at the side of your bed, arms crossed and not a smile in sight. You sigh. "Fine. I kissed a girl, yes."
"I heard you did more than that." You groan in response. "Why? I thought you were straight. You can't play with people like that just because you drank too much." You look away.
"I thought I was, too and I'm not playing with anyone. It's nothing serious."
"So what? You're just gonna go 'round experimenting with everyone?"
"Isn't that what you did?" She growls.
"That's fucking different and you know it."
"Why does it bother you so much, anyway? You have Reagan." You wish she didn't but she does and you're accepting that, you're moving on for her sake, can't she see that?
"Because."
"Because?" you encourage her. You reach for her hand and pull her to lay on the bed with you. Even though you feel disgusting, even though you don't really want anyone near you, you know she needs this, needs this physical connection to help calm her down.
"Because I'm your best friend and you're changing and I have to find everything out from other people."
"Princess—"
"No. You don't tell me stuff. You hurt yourself and don't tell me why, you spend all your time with Oliver and other people and now, now the things I thought I knew about you are changing and you don't talk to me about them." She sighs. "I bet you talked to Oliver, though, right?"
"Aims. It's not like that."
"Then tell me."
"I-I can't." She climbs off your bed and begins to walk away before she turns and faces you.
"You know what? Fuck you, Karma. Let me know when you care."
"I do care." She scoffs. You climb over your blankets and stand in front of her. Your arms are on her shoulder, gripping her tighter than you mean too. "I do fucking care about you. That's exactly why I can't tell you and besides, you broke my trust so maybe it's good I've found somebody else to confide in." You note the crease in her brow and know she's confused and furious. You know it's a bad excuse, it sounds lame, even to you but you have to do something. You don't want to hurt her even more. "I just can't tell you." You exhale and it feels like everything just leaves you. She reaches out and lifts your face to hers.
"I know I fucked up. Believe me, you don't have to tell me but I thought we were better than this. You can't tell me shit just because of a mistake, a mistake you know I'll never do again." She deflates and it breaks your heart. "You can tell me, I promise. It's just me, your best friend, your soul mate." She smiles a watery smile.
"I-I." You begin to cry and feel weaker than you ever have. Not even when Greg was bullying you in first grade and Amy had to come save you did you feel this weak. You have to tell her or you'll lose her but if you tell her, you might lose her anyway. You cannot win and you hate it. You sigh and finally realise that you've been fighting a losing battle all along. She was always going to find out because she knows you, she knows everything about you and you can't stop it now. "I-I'm in love with you," you whisper and hope she doesn't hear. She freezes and you know she did. "I'm sorry. I'll get over it, it's okay. I'm not asking for anything, that's why I didn't tell you and Oliver's been helping, Cait too. And we went to that party last night to help me move on and it was nice, it was nice kissing that girl…even though she wasn't you but that's not the point. And I need to go shower so it doesn't matter. We can talk later." You walk away as fast as you can and she's still standing there, face blank and frozen still.
She's sitting on your bed when you come back, refreshed from the shower and weighed down by the tears.
"Hey."
"Hi," she says. You sit next to her and both look ahead for a little while.
"I'm sorry. I know you have Reagan, that's why I didn't say anything, y'know? I just didn't want to upset you like this." You play with your fingers as a distraction.
"It's okay. I get it." She's still so quite. You don't like it.
"Have I messed everything up? I just didn't want to lose you? Talk to me, Aims, please?" She reaches out and stops you playing with your fingers. She still doesn't look at you but she holds your hand.
"I don't-I don't know what to do, what to say." She faces you and crumbles. You pull her close and lie down with her as she cries.
"Shh. It's okay. You don't have to do anything. Nothing has to change, okay? This is us. We can get through anything." You thought you knew heartbreak when you found out Amy slept with Liam but it's nothing like seeing her hurting so much because of you. You kiss her temple. "It's okay, everything will be okay, I promise." You begin to sing quietly to her, tears in both your eyes, until she begins to calm down.
It's quiet for so long, you think she might have fallen asleep but then she leans back and looks at you with a look you can't decipher.
"What's wro—" She leans forward and kisses you. She climbs on top and you become hypersensitive to everything about her. The way this kiss is harder, more passionate, more consuming than all of the others. The way her body glides across your skin and makes you feel more electric than anyone or anything else before.
You thought kissing Danny, kissing Liam was good. It's incomparable to this. The way she feels against you, the way your heart beats triple time, the way you'd be happy to die in this moment.
But you know, you know this is hurting her and you can't do that and so you push her away. She frowns at you.
"Isn't this wh—"
"Reagan," you whisper. "Don't fuck things up with her because of me." You rest your forehead on hers. "It's not worth it."
"You are."
"No, Princess." You swallow the lump that's threatening to tear you apart, down. "Just think about things. You're just shocked, now." She sighs.
"I know. Sometimes I forget how well you know me." You laugh.
"Well, I'll never forget how well I know you." You pull her down and hug her. She somehow manages to move around under your grip and place her head on your chest.
"I love you."
"And I love you." You're torn. You want to smile because now she knows the truth of those words but that's exactly why you want to cry.
You both know the truth.
Amy belongs to someone else.
A/N: So…I suck. I'm sorry it's been so long. Life has been hectic and stressful and sadly, I've let some thing's slip. I'm determined to finish this story. It might take a little while but I'll do it. Thanks for being so patient and thanks to .98 and Deezy2016 for the messages to finish and everyone else who's been reading/enjoying/encouraging me to write more. I appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
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